*TW: DV, SA, drugs, and alcohol abuse mentioned.
Also sorry this post is so long; I have tried to shorten it as best I can. 🙂
I (19F) have a friend (19F) who is in a relationship with her boyfriend (19M). I am contemplating whether or not to cut off my friend because of her relationship/her bf.Â
For backstory we have been friends for almost 6 years now and are in a friend group with a few other girls. We are very good friends and have been a close group through those 6 years. She was in a past relationship when she was younger with a boy who was not a nice boyfriend nor good person in general. He would cheat on her, embarrass her and manipulate her for years. He and I, in particular, would fight constantly. As I was and always will be, the friend who refuses to let my friends be in bad situations or toxic relationships. This really put a strain on our friendship with the constant lying about not being together, telling the group’s personal things to him, and overall her putting him before our friendships.Â
Fast-forward to the present. She has a different boyfriend now, and he is by far WORSE. I will admit at the start of their relationship he sounded like a good, decent guy. However, over the last month she has revealed things to me that have made me lose sleep.Â
Recently they had a normal teenage couple’s argument about spending more time. She reached out to me to help her word and communicate how she felt (she is known to have difficulty putting her emotions into words, which I am always happy to help her interpret). As we were talking, she started revealing more disturbing behaviours and comments he’s made. He has a lot of “traditional standards” that she has to meet, which were along the lines of no clubbing, no male friends, no drinking, no smoking—i think you get the point—a very “perfect, clean, pure woman.” She didn’t mind this, but she did have her own standards for him, which were basically the same as his. However, he has done all the above and begged for her approval. She let him, but then he said he didn’t want to let her “use him doing it as an excuse for her to do it.” Which was the first red flag. After her admitting this, I started basically interrogating her to see what else he has done. She admits he told her she couldn’t talk to us (her friends) about their relationship, that he has made comments about the clothes she wears, and when he gets angry, he refers to her as “bitch,” “woman,” or the n word (he’s also not black). After hearing this, I tell her these are forms of domestic abuse if not red flags that may lead to it. She processes the information and freaks out, saying she’s going to break up with him. I didn’t want her to make an irrational decision, so I told her to sleep on the information and reevaluate in the morning. She spoke to other friends and decided on her own that she needed to talk to him in person. After that she told him what he was doing, how serious it was, and that he needed to stop. He agreed, and they stayed together. I told her it’s good she told him and to make sure he doesn’t do it again.Â
A few days ago a situation happened including him spreading rumors about one of our other friends. Unfortunately it ended in our other friend and her ending their friendship. Straight after this her and her BF have another fight where again she confides more information. I don’t feel comfortable going into details, but I will list the topics:
– refusing to delete nudesÂ
– sexual assault 3 different occasions (in my opinion)
–Â drug abuse (blamed on her)Â
– alcohol abuse (blamed on her)Â
– comparing her to other girlsÂ
– telling her to change things about her body
– him talking about other womenÂ
– him being extremely misogynisticÂ
I understand you may need context here for some of the things listed, but it is not my story to tell and is just for my story’s context.Â
I am completely mortified and start trying to get her to understand how extreme her situation is and how extreme it may get. I read her articles on DV and let her put together how it relates to her situation. I read her laws in our country and what is considered SA. At this point I do not care about irrational decision-making. I tell her to LEAVE HIM IMMEDIATELY. I don’t know if that is what you’re supposed to do, but I did it. She then decided to sleep on it and had a talk with him the next day and forgave him. She refuses to let anyone speak ill of him and gets angry at anyone who tries to tell her he is not a nice guy.
Obviously I am not in her relationship, nor do i want to be AT ALL. But her relationship is taking a mental, emotional and physical toll on me. I’m losing sleep from her calling me constantly, for example, from 7pm to 5am. I’m also losing sleep knowing she is in this situation. I am having to put my all into comforting her and encouraging her to leave him and then getting told it’s not that big of a deal. I have been through SA myself, and it hurts me to think she has and is in denial of her experience. I am terrified this man is going to get worse. But I don’t know if I can put my mental health on the line anymore for someone who keeps telling me they don’t want my help.
So am I the asshole?
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Backup of the post’s body: *TW: DV, SA, drugs, and alcohol abuse mentioned.
Also sorry this post is so long; I have tried to shorten it as best I can. 🙂
I (19F) have a friend (19F) who is in a relationship with her boyfriend (19M). I am contemplating whether or not to cut off my friend because of her relationship/her bf.Â
For backstory we have been friends for almost 6 years now and are in a friend group with a few other girls. We are very good friends and have been a close group through those 6 years. She was in a past relationship when she was younger with a boy who was not a nice boyfriend nor good person in general. He would cheat on her, embarrass her and manipulate her for years. He and I, in particular, would fight constantly. As I was and always will be, the friend who refuses to let my friends be in bad situations or toxic relationships. This really put a strain on our friendship with the constant lying about not being together, telling the group’s personal things to him, and overall her putting him before our friendships.Â
Fast-forward to the present. She has a different boyfriend now, and he is by far WORSE. I will admit at the start of their relationship he sounded like a good, decent guy. However, over the last month she has revealed things to me that have made me lose sleep.Â
Recently they had a normal teenage couple’s argument about spending more time. She reached out to me to help her word and communicate how she felt (she is known to have difficulty putting her emotions into words, which I am always happy to help her interpret). As we were talking, she started revealing more disturbing behaviours and comments he’s made. He has a lot of “traditional standards” that she has to meet, which were along the lines of no clubbing, no male friends, no drinking, no smoking—i think you get the point—a very “perfect, clean, pure woman.” She didn’t mind this, but she did have her own standards for him, which were basically the same as his. However, he has done all the above and begged for her approval. She let him, but then he said he didn’t want to let her “use him doing it as an excuse for her to do it.” Which was the first red flag. After her admitting this, I started basically interrogating her to see what else he has done. She admits he told her she couldn’t talk to us (her friends) about their relationship, that he has made comments about the clothes she wears, and when he gets angry, he refers to her as “bitch,” “woman,” or the n word (he’s also not black). After hearing this, I tell her these are forms of domestic abuse if not red flags that may lead to it. She processes the information and freaks out, saying she’s going to break up with him. I didn’t want her to make an irrational decision, so I told her to sleep on the information and reevaluate in the morning. She spoke to other friends and decided on her own that she needed to talk to him in person. After that she told him what he was doing, how serious it was, and that he needed to stop. He agreed, and they stayed together. I told her it’s good she told him and to make sure he doesn’t do it again.Â
A few days ago a situation happened including him spreading rumors about one of our other friends. Unfortunately it ended in our other friend and her ending their friendship. Straight after this her and her BF have another fight where again she confides more information. I don’t feel comfortable going into details, but I will list the topics:
– refusing to delete nudesÂ
– sexual assault 3 different occasions (in my opinion)
–Â drug abuse (blamed on her)Â
– alcohol abuse (blamed on her)Â
– comparing her to other girlsÂ
– telling her to change things about her body
– him talking about other womenÂ
– him being extremely misogynisticÂ
I understand you may need context here for some of the things listed, but it is not my story to tell and is just for my story’s context.Â
I am completely mortified and start trying to get her to understand how extreme her situation is and how extreme it may get. I read her articles on DV and let her put together how it relates to her situation. I read her laws in our country and what is considered SA. At this point I do not care about irrational decision-making. I tell her to LEAVE HIM IMMEDIATELY. I don’t know if that is what you’re supposed to do, but I did it. She then decided to sleep on it and had a talk with him the next day and forgave him. She refuses to let anyone speak ill of him and gets angry at anyone who tries to tell her he is not a nice guy.
Obviously I am not in her relationship, nor do i want to be AT ALL. But her relationship is taking a mental, emotional and physical toll on me. I’m losing sleep from her calling me constantly, for example, from 7pm to 5am. I’m also losing sleep knowing she is in this situation. I am having to put my all into comforting her and encouraging her to leave him and then getting told it’s not that big of a deal. I have been through SA myself, and it hurts me to think she has and is in denial of her experience. I am terrified this man is going to get worse. But I don’t know if I can put my mental health on the line anymore for someone who keeps telling me they don’t want my help.
So am I the asshole?
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Honestly you’re not wrong at all. Go take care of yourself sometimes when someone’s drowning they won’t see your helping hand as help, they’ll see it as you trying to drown them faster. so this is one of those extreme cases. that man has some issues I’d get restrainin order if that was me
(give upvote pls)
Hell no. Life is too short for toxic people
Can you reach out to her parents and let them know?
Tell her that you love her and want to be her first call when she’s ready to leave but until then you can’t watch her be abused anymore.