I had my baby over a year and half ago and am in a strange state of mind. My husband (36M) and I (35F) have been married for 5 years now. I just feel so much anxiety surrounding my husband’s family. I had invited my JustNoMIL to stay with us 2 months after our first baby boy was born. My husband grew up far away from his parents his entire life, I don’t want to go into details regarding his childhood as I do not want anyone to identify us. I thought that it would be nice if my mil got to spend some quality time with the first baby in our house. My own mother was staying with us at the time too, working full time but helping when she could with my post partum. (our FILs are no longer in our lives).
The whole time mil was here she seemed to be in constant competition with my mother even though she was barely around. Instead of helping us, mils routine became competing against my mom, doing the opposite of what I asked, not eating regularly because she doesn’t eat leftovers and we asked her to just cook enough for herself everyday if she wants to eat fresh food. Everything I said would make her feel hurt and she would act sad all day in the house and call her relatives acting like my mom and I are torturing her. Every time anything happened she would feel hurt and tell my husband about it. Meanwhile, my husband was working full time as he did not get paternity leave so didn’t know a lot of what was going on. Even when I told him what had happened he would say it will be okay.
Things just kept escalating. Every morning she would ask my husband indirectly to bring baby to her so I can “rest” or clean the bottles. I was left with barely any time with my little one. I kept trying to talk to my husband and with my mil about how we do not have much maternity leave in the US so I would like to spend time with my baby. It fell on deaf ears. I tried really hard to breastfeed but my baby would not latch. When I did bf him in my living room, my mil would try to talk to him and disturb the process. So I started taking him upstairs to my room so I could feed him without disruptions. I was also pumping while bf-ing because I wanted to prep bottles for night feeds. When I would take my baby up, she would always ask if I am feeding him “my milk” (breastfeeding) or bottle. She always wanted to feed him even though I said I wanted my husband and I to bond with him while feeding during my mat leave. Everyday it was one thing or another. She was supposed to stay for 6 months but we had to tell her to leave in 2. My husband and I were constantly arguing and he would sit with her for entire days. I thought I was giving him time to bond with his mother but it was like she was driving a wedge between us.
Now a year and half later, I don’t know what she has been telling her family members but people seem distant from us. I have heard that she tried to say I kicked her out of the house and she has been telling people how strange it is for the DILs mother to be staying with us. She hates my mom and clearly doesn’t like me either. I have blocked her on my phone and removed her from any social media. It just feels very overwhelming. My husband and I are not the kind of people that share our personal business with everyone so I guess people will hear mostly her side of the story. It’s just so bizarre that someone would go to that extent to ruin their own son’s new family. I was really upset with my husband because he didn’t know how to set boundaries but we are learning that now, together.
Our relationship has gotten a lot better once she left but she still tells him how I have her blocked and that I won’t speak to her. She apologized once or twice when she was here, after the fights, but she said she only apologized because my husband had asked her to. In her mind, she has done nothing wrong. She seems to take no accountability and is spreading comments about us being bad, kicking her out of the house. I just feel so guilty for making her leave because my mom still stays with us. She takes care of our baby because we did not want to start day care so early. My mil is unable to fully take care of our child because she never does what we ask and always does the opposite. She also doesn’t have the physical capacity due to poor health. I can’t stop thinking about this because it affects how others see us now and it has taken a big toll on mine and my husband’s mental health. I have to constantly think 50 times before I do or say something.
When everything was happening in my house, I had to leave my house with my small baby and go somewhere for a few days twice to get away from the chaotic situation. I was just learning how to be a first time mother, healing from birth, breastfeeding, and navigating my new relationship dynamics with my husband. I have never had to make such a tough decision, speak up to an adult in such a way, and somehow I feel bad because I feel like I changed myself/ my behaviour because of mil. Am I the JustNo?
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as Kiyokiru posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Kiyokiru JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
You’re not the just no, but you’ve been through the ringer during a very vulnerable time.
Get some talk therapy to help deal with that trauma. You need spmeone IRL to help validate you.
Don’t let anyone tell MIL. She will use it against you.
No, you’re not the JustNo, your MIL is. One thing you need to remind yourself of is you didn’t do anything wrong. Your MIL disrepected you, your role as a parent, your mother and your home and even your husband. She didn’t respect boundaries and when you finally kicked her out she played victim. Do not let the fact she is in poor health cloud the fact that her mouth works just fine and she’s using it against you. You have every right to want peace in your life and in your home and blocking her was the best thing you could have done for yourself. Do not concern yourself with what she’s telling other people and how they are reacting. If those people cared about you and your husband, they would consider your side before passing judgments. And you don’t own them any explanations on your lack of contact with your JNMIL. Also, your mother is with you because she respects your boundaries and she’s an actual help to your family. If she were to act like your MIL, I’m sure you wouldn’t hesitate to kick her out too. Your MIL brought this on herself.
No way! Your MIL is awful. Don’t look back and keep her blocked.
You did nothing wrong. Your husband let you down big time. Your mother in law……I’d have kicked her out after a week. I can’t imagine how you lasted that long. She wants to compare herself to your mom? Ok. Cool. The only comparison needed is your mom is helpful and respectful of you as a mother. MIL is anything but.
It doesn’t matter what people think of you, honestly. Anyone who blindly believes what MIL says is never going to see things your way anyhow. So now you get to create your own little family and surround yourselves with people who are kind and genuine and love without strings attached. I’m glad your husband is slowly coming around. He’s allowed to be sad, but I hope he understands that he’s mourning the mother he WISH he had rather than the one who tried to make everything about herself after you gave birth.
OP, Is it a cultural/religious expectation that the son, DIL & new born stay at all times with the Sons family of birth?
I am in the US Midwest, very American woman and her statement “she has been telling people how strange it is for the DILs mother to be staying with us.” is pure claptrap.
From the teeny bit you have posted here, you are not the just no, you are now acting as an adult woman who is growing a backbone to raise her child.
You are not a JustNo
You are a FuckNo, and I mean that as highest praise. You called out her BS and made her stop disrespecting and manipulating you, even if it took kicking her out and cutting her off.
Own it, Mama Bear!
No. You are not the just no. Your mother-in-law knows what she’s doing, she just doesn’t care how she’s affecting your family. You owe this woman nothing. She has already ruined your postpartum. Do not let her live rent free in your head any longer. Keep her blocked.
Enjoy your family and the piece that comes with blocking your MIL. Congratulations on the newbie.
Sounds like you are a kind person and raised to respect your elders. This is all well and good if the elder in question is not abusive.
Stop feeling guilty because your mom is still staying with you. The reason your mom is still staying with you because she is helpful, respects boundaries, and is respectful to you and your husband.
Your MIL was abusive. Intentionally try to prevent bonding between you and your child, like how fucked up is that?!?! The boundaries you put up for a direct results of her behavior. Has she not behaved like that she would still be in your home? You were more than kind to invite her in your home. She thought because she was your elder she could treat you like dirt. You are teaching your children that the culture of abusing your daughter-in-law stops with you. You are teaching your children not to abuse or accept abuse.
You’re fine but your MIL is evil. It doesn’t matter why she is the way she is, what matters is not letting her ruin your family and your peace any more than she already had. Your mom gets to live with you because she’s not evil. Any family member that stops talking to you over this did not care that much about you in the first place.
If there’s someone from the family that you care to keep in your lives, you can try having a heart to heart with them, but otherwise just carry on.
Remember that even if they are talking about you now it will only last a minute. People are more interested in themselves.
I agree with what others have said about your MIL.