I 39/f have a 35/m bf that I was recently on vacation with.
Im pretty open about talking about previous relationships and usually ask him about his. He doesn’t ask about mine and claims it’s due to jealously but I think he just doesn’t care.
His first love was in university and she cheated on him.
Most recently while on vacation we were walking down the street and I noticed that a redhead was checking him out. I asked if he noticed after we passed her. He said no but wondered if it was his ex. It got me thinking why he was so quick to think of her. Later on it came up that he would be interested in seeing and catching up with her, possibly go to dinner. He says there’s nothing romantic behind it and he isn’t interested. He’s just curious how her life turned out as she was apparently very academically smart but wanted to waste it on becoming a mother.
I was shocked and hurt that we were together on vacation yet he’s hoping to run into his ex so he can catch up. I told him this was a red flag and he understood where I was coming from.
I asked him if the roles were reversed how he would feel. He said he would entertain the idea if I wanted to catch up with an ex.
I feel like he wants to see what he missed out on.
Comments
I don’t think he should be interested enough in his ex from decades ago to go meet her in person.
Super disrespectful. Your assessment seems accurate. F. that dude.
Sounds like he feels like she’s the one who got away. You deserve to be with someone who only wants to be with you
Yeah he’s rude if he loves you he wouldn’t even think about something like that
Why not meet her too?
Edit: Would he be ok with that?
Him saying he’d entertain the idea is a way for him to try to get you to go along with it. It’s weird he’s so quick to think of her.
Not wrong, it’s weird.
If my partner ever suggested he wanted to go to dinner with his ex I’d drop him ON THE SPOT 💀
I have a hard boundary about exes being in the past and don’t believe in “we can still be friends” bullshit. You used to be together? Well not anymore, now she’s a stranger and you have nothing to catch up about with strangers.
He is doing you dirty, girl. Like, not even his THOUGHTS should be there.
Girl……I’d be out. He doesn’t want to hear about your exes due to “jealousy”, but he’s out here telling you he wants to catch up with his ex from college and get dinner with her? While you’re on vacation together?
You feel like he wants to see what he missed out on because he DOES want to see what he missed out on. He’s 35 and still thinking about his ex from college. That’s not okay.
I’m still friends with a bunch of my exes.
I could see wanting to catch up with one, but I’d absolutely have invited my wife along if I did. There’d be no question of one-on-one time until/unless my wife was completely comfortable with that.
(We’ve also been friendly with some of my wife’s exes. This isn’t a one-way street.)
This attitude is disrespectful to you. You could be enjoying your vacation and your boyfriend could be excited to meet his ex. It’s all very strange.
No you’re not wrong. Shut that shit down.
if my boyfriend said this, I’d be single that same day. He doesn’t ask you about previous relationships because he’s jealous, but would entertain the idea of you going out to dinner to meet an ex…??🧐
I read this exact thing last night.
Sometimes things pop up in our heads and curiously it gets us thinking about the past. I wonder what happened with my ex husband who I divorced and now has moved on. I would have more than a couple questions for him.
Ye that’s disrespectful to you and while it’s a wonderful thing he’s comfortable enough to communicate with you but ye this is just plan disrespectful
I feel like if that’s his genuine situation he would want to grab lunch with both of you, catch up for an hour, see what she’s up to and show her what he’s up to and that’s that. See you again in a decade maybe.
If she’s just lingering on his mind and he doesn’t want to openly talk about it, id feel bad vibes there.
Being interested in a person from your past isn’t necessarily chasing a lost love. You two aren’t old but you’re starting to become older. Eventually everyone wonders what happened to the things that are no longer in their life, how they might compare, or want to prove to themselves that they did OR DIDN’T miss out on anything. He could want to see how mundane and unimpressive her life turned out to appreciate how well he has made it with you, or he could be horny, or anything in between.
It’s the trust you two have built so far that I would rely on. The idea itself isn’t a red flag. Thinking a random person was her could be. Cutting into intimate vacation time to seek her out would be. How well a couple can communicate during moments of tension like this is a key indicator of how things are going and other woman or not, point out things a couple may need to work on together.
Unreal. I would end it.
Secrets secrets are no fun. Secrets secrets hurt someone
He should have immediately invited you along.
I am with you OP, I wouldn’t take that well. If he’s that interested, tell him to go find her and have fun. You’ll be gone when he gets back.
And poof, single.
Seriously, big red flag.
This is not the red flag that you think it is. Sure, if he gave you any reason to doubt your relationship, then go down that path. If he ever made you feel like you were a placeholder, then let his statement upset you. HOWEVER, if he has never made you feel less than, you need to power down.
Of course he’s curious about her. That means they are not connected on social and no one he knows talks about her. Invite this icky into your relationship if you want but I see his comment as just a simple act of aging and a little bit of reflection.
Arse he would
Everyone else is jumping straight to a conclusion about romantic feeling, but is it possible that he wants to show her how much better off he is?
Makes more sense to me, especially since it wasn’t just a breakup, but she straight up cheated on him.
I’ve never felt that motivation as I only ever had 1 cheater & I cut her out like cancer & dropped her back in her trash heap where she belonged. Aside from a stalker, I stayed friendly with all the rest until we fell out of touch eventually.
I’d be fine if my bf wanted to catch up with their ex. I understand the draw. But I’m also super fresh out of a relationship. 10 years or so… that’s a long time to still be thinking of it
Uh,No
I don’t think you’re wrong in your assessment of the situation. Also, why would anyone get jealous of past relationships? That’s always so weird to me. I mean, these are people you had in your life, people you learned something from while being in a relationship, people you grew with, people you have memories with good and/or bad. It’s a red flag to me when anyone is like, “I don’t want to hear about your past because I’m going to get jealous that you had a life before me.” That coupled with the “coincidence” of being where his ex is and wanting to meet with her just makes him seem like a jerk.
Nah…you don’t leave your current gf home while you go on a date with your ex unless you’ve been pining for her the entire time. I’m sorry. Not sure this guy is worth investing/wasting any more time on.
They say a man never gets over his first love and they will wonder what life would have been with her if it ever worked out, which to me is always a slap in the face and insensitive to you and your feelings as the woman who isn’t his first love.
He more than likely wants to see where she is in life.
I wouldn’t want to run into any of my exes. They belong in the past.
NOR
“He said he would entertain the idea if I wanted to catch up with an ex ” hahaha…yeah, OP , please remember this and i want you to someday plan that you met an ex at some place and went to catch up for a very quick coffee and that you will go out and see him on the weekend….
let us see how that turns out.If he doesnt flinch he doesnt care.
And I’m going to tell you that he is absolutely totally lying if you told him that you was going to meet and ask and have dinner just to catch up and see how he was doing. He’s only saying that he would be okay with it because he wants you to be okay with it when he brings it up to you soon that he would like to look up his ex and see what’s going on. You’re not a placeholder you are not somebody he should be settling for either. You are worthy he shouldn’t be thinking about anybody else except for you because if that’s what’s going on he’s doing nothing but wasting your time. You might want to start looking at him with the side eye hmmm 🤔
Dinner with an ex feels extremely inappropriate. That’s basically a date? And they dated so long ago. He should be able to see how this isn’t fair to you and he should care more about that than “catching up” out of “curiosity”. This is so weird that it makes me feel like he is still interested.
Dinner becomes drinks becomes a night at her place or a hotel. He doesn’t have to be ‘romantically’ interested in her for things to end very badly for you. This is why exes stay in the past. He’s likely been thinking of her through the years, & if she expressed any interest in him, he’d probably drop you like a hot potato.
Might be time to be singlr
Damn, girl…
I was once on a work trip to a part of the country where one of my exes lives and I messaged her on social media to see if she wanted to grab dinner and catch up. She’s married with kids now and there was absolutely no intention to hook up or talk about our relationship or anything like that. I simply wanted to see her and get caught up on each other’s lives. We had dinner, went for ice cream for desert and then she dropped me back off at my hotel and went home to her family. So it’s possible that he really is wanting to catch up and see how she’s doing.
That being said, I was single at the time and didn’t need to worry about jealously issues from my end. If I had been with someone, I don’t think I would have even thought about meeting up with her just to avoid the potential of my partner getting the wrong idea. Especially on a shared vacation instead of a work trip alone with plenty of time to kill in an unfamiliar city.