First off I’m writing from the top of my head so fuck grammer and all that. Lol.
I (37f) have a bf (39m) whom I’ve been with for almost 2 and a half years. We’ve known each other for 2 years online already before we started dating. So 4 years friends and 2 and a half years “dating”.
He’s a bit of a hot head sometimes. Because of this I’m scared to tell him how I feel about certain situations. In a situation before I mentioned how I felt about him going out with a female coworker, just once (I didn’t know they were even going out that day) and he accused me of overreacting and being jealous and told me if I’m going to get jealous for him simply going out with a co worker then he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me so I apologized and we’ve been fine. What did they do? They went fishing. She hung out at his house and left late about 11pm. He’s never went fishing with this coworker again. But do i get to hang out with him like that? No. Fishing is something I expressed doing with him but nothing. This year I mentioned him taking me fishing and he smiled said okay in one conversation but when I asked him one day when he’s taking me fishing with him (when fishing season opened) he said idk so I dropped it.
In the beginning of our relationship he said to me “We can’t have a real relationship untill all our kids are grown” I should have dumped him right then and there but I didn’t. I didn’t really understand, until now. For context, we both have kids. 3 girls each. My youngest is about 4 years younger than his oldest. My other two slightly in the same age group as his younger two but still younger. I love him but I’m tired of thinking he’ll treat me like a gf when I know he won’t.
He’s a great dad and son though. He takes his kids out to eat as well as his mom. I know he should be doing that, I just wish I was good enough for that too. I did confide in his girls once and they got him to want to take me out to eat but I said no. Respectfully, I know I am better than a Hardee’s lunch date. His excuse was he doesnt like to go out and isnt good at finding places to go eat out at. I’ve never asked to be taken out again. Last time we did go out on a date you guys can do the math, John Wick 4. At his instance more than mine. This year will be Demon Slayer at my instance but that’s it as far as dates.
I feel like I can be treated better but don’t know how to talk to him because I know he’ll probably hear something and blow it up out of proportion like he always does. This is why I don’t say anything.
He was married at one point. This is important to note. She cheated and that was that. I know everything there is to know and I’m okay with it. I’ve never been married but respect how he feels about it even though I don’t care about that anyway.
Would it hurt if we broke up? Yes. I fell for this man hard but I’m not stupid and I’m not going to feel like I don’t mean anything either. I’ll edit if anyone wants any more context on anything but I’m done writing for now.
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Backup of the post’s body: First off I’m writing from the top of my head so fuck grammer and all that. Lol.
I (37f) have a bf (39m) whom I’ve been with for almost 2 and a half years. We’ve known each other for 2 years online already before we started dating. So 4 years friends and 2 and a half years “dating”.
He’s a bit of a hot head sometimes. Because of this I’m scared to tell him how I feel about certain situations. In a situation before I mentioned how I felt about him going out with a female coworker, just once (I didn’t know they were even going out that day) and he accused me of overreacting and being jealous and told me if I’m going to get jealous for him simply going out with a co worker then he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me so I apologized and we’ve been fine. What did they do? They went fishing. She hung out at his house and left late about 11pm. He’s never went fishing with this coworker again. But do i get to hang out with him like that? No. Fishing is something I expressed doing with him but nothing. This year I mentioned him taking me fishing and he smiled said okay in one conversation but when I asked him one day when he’s taking me fishing with him (when fishing season opened) he said idk so I dropped it.
In the beginning of our relationship he said to me “We can’t have a real relationship untill all our kids are grown” I should have dumped him right then and there but I didn’t. I didn’t really understand, until now. For context, we both have kids. 3 girls each. My youngest is about 4 years younger than his oldest. My other two slightly in the same age group as his younger two but still younger. I love him but I’m tired of thinking he’ll treat me like a gf when I know he won’t.
He’s a great dad and son though. He takes his kids out to eat as well as his mom. I know he should be doing that, I just wish I was good enough for that too. I did confide in his girls once and they got him to want to take me out to eat but I said no. Respectfully, I know I am better than a Hardee’s lunch date. His excuse was he doesnt like to go out and isnt good at finding places to go eat out at. I’ve never asked to be taken out again. Last time we did go out on a date you guys can do the math, John Wick 4. At his instance more than mine. This year will be Demon Slayer at my instance but that’s it as far as dates.
I feel like I can be treated better but don’t know how to talk to him because I know he’ll probably hear something and blow it up out of proportion like he always does. This is why I don’t say anything.
He was married at one point. This is important to note. She cheated and that was that. I know everything there is to know and I’m okay with it. I’ve never been married but respect how he feels about it even though I don’t care about that anyway.
Would it hurt if we broke up? Yes. I fell for this man hard but I’m not stupid and I’m not going to feel like I don’t mean anything either. I’ll edit if anyone wants any more context on anything but I’m done writing for now.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Full stop: you can break up with anyone for any reason at any time.
I think it’s clear this man has no intention of building a life with you. Get out now, feel the pain and then move on with your life. Make room for yourself to heal and then meet someone who will value you and be a an actual partner.
If I were you, I would find some low-cost therapy. It is obvious this guy is stringing you along or you’re allowing yourself to be strung along. at some point you’ve gotta say “I’ve had enough” and make it so. A therapist could help you understand why you are not operating in your own best interest.
One thing is for sure, nothing is going to change, nothing. You can stop trying to convince yourself things are going to get better, because they are not. Obviously, you know this person better than anyone your asking advice from but from the way you portray this guy, you need to wake TF up and check yourself because you know good and well if you were on the outside looking in, you’d think that person is crazy for staying with someone that has a ‘co-worker’ that is a female, and for some weird ass reason goes fishing, like wtf is this, who does that, and just why? I have so many questions for that individual but it’s pretty damn obvious, shit ain’t gonna change, never will, get out while your still young and get the heartbreak over with, you’ve got your children to think about, and they cant have a toxic relationship based on lies as the atmosphere they grow up in, what kind of picture do you think that will paint for them once they get old enough to start to understand what’s actually going on? They will most likely adopt some behaviors that will be directly affected by the toxicity between you two, and you don’t want that, no one does and those children don’t deserve that, one bit. If you were single at least you could devote all your attention to your children, which is where it should be anyways and not trying to figure out who ole boy is going fishing with this week and having mommy a nervous wreck or unhappy constantly because you know your unhappy and being taken advantage of. But that’s just what I think, I hope you come to either work things out OR find a better life for you and your girls so that they may be the best possible little humans they can be and not directly exposed to mom and dads issues.
“He’s a bit of a hot head sometimes. Because of this I’m scared to tell him how I feel about certain situations”. That right there is the only reason you need to dump him. You should not feel scared addressing a problem with your partner at all, you should feel heard and respected.
I’ll just be over here trying to solve that math problem…
Her youngest is four years younger than his oldest. Her other two are slightly in the same age group of his youngest two but still younger.
You don’t need any reason at all to break up with someone. He could be the greatest guy ever, and that doesn’t mean he’s the greatest guy for you. But if you need validation, it definitely seems to me like you’re putting a lot more into this relationship than he does. You can find someone who matches your energy.
This sounds a lot like how I felt in a relationship that completely tore down my self esteem.
Don’t feel bad for wanting to leave, just honor that feeling. It may hurt at first, but I promise that in the end you’ll be so grateful you left and feel so much happier without all the wondering why you weren’t “good enough” for someone who never even deserved your love.
He’s in the way of you finding the “one”. Time to move on, no one deserves to be treated like that.
>He’s a bit of a hot head sometimes.
99 ties out of a hundred this means “He has zero emotional control, and he frequently makes me feel unsafe, and generally doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with that.” Which is totally break-up material.
I don’t think this is really about him. This is about you. Your self esteem is so low it’s warped your sense of worth. With the way you describe this man how did you ever develop warm and fuzzy feelings towards him?
I’m truly baffled. He’s sounds unbearable to be around.
Re: “Fishing”
A neighbor’s husband went on frequent hunting trips and they had mounted heads all over the walls as proof.
Then he went through about an 18-month stretch of having really bad luck on his weekend hunting trips and never managing to bag anything.
He wasn’t hunting.
Just saying…
I’ve been you. When you get to the point where you won’t even bring up “normal” things because you know he will blow up. Do yourself a huge favor and move on now. It won’t get better. You can build your confidence and self esteem so much on your own and then you will find yourself in the company of people who will treat you the way they should. Wishing you the best.
He sounds like a horrible boyfriend. You can’t even talk about what’s bothering you because he’s a hot head. And going out with his female co worker until 11 at night? I don’t think so. Red flags everywhere. Run….
Look, I didn’t read past “I’m afraid to be honest with him”, or in your words “Because of this I’m scared to tell him how I feel about certain situations”
I don’t want to spend my time with someone I fear the reactions of. I don’t want to tie my life to someone who I can’t trust to hear me when I speak. I can’t imagine a good reason to stay in an intimate relationship with someone I am occasionally afraid of, even if it’s just them reacting poorly or shouting.
Please don’t hesitate to leave him or anyone else who is making your life harder/worse. I’m not saying relationships are all sunshine and rainbows and kittens, but you need to be able to address worries and conflicts without fear and outbursts.
Yeah, I don’t think he’s fully in. And you do absolutely deserve better.
My (37f) partner (38m) was married before and has two kids with the ex and we still have date nights as often as we can.
I had a bit of a similar situation where I was insecure about a coworker, and when I sat down and talked to him about it he reassured me that there’s nothing going on, which I actually do believe because he’s not the cheating type (his ex cheated) and I think I was mainly insecure because I was once the “coworker” in my last “relationship”. But what I’m trying to say is, he calmly responded, didn’t call me jealous or insecure (even though I absolutely was) and tried to reassure me that he’s all in with me.
Being in the right relationship means you can have these talks and it be okay, you don’t have to keep things to yourself in fear of starting an argument. Also you deserve to be taken out.
If you are wanting to stay with him, then I think having a conversation about how his actions make you feel (don’t use words where it sounds like your blaming him as he will probably get defensive) and say that you would love to spend more one on one time with him.
While I think the general guidance of “break up at any time for any reason” is unstable as fuck, the fact you can’t communicate to him for fear of his reaction is a pretty big deal. The guy then threatened the relationship after you brought up an issue so he’s pretty childish & maintains a double standard.
Why you trying to live with that?
Dump him and spend the free time in therapy analyzing why you would be with him.
You’re in a one-sided relationship.
Upvote button for IDGAF…
You are not his girlfriend. You are a convenience. You deserve someone who delights in you and makes you feel special. That does not have to wait till your kids are grown. Break up with him. Give yourself six months or more to just be in your own. Then date…just date…for a while. Dinners out. Movies. Wineries. Concerts. Don’t get into something serious for a while. Get used to being treated well. (I’m not weighing in on your level of intimacy with these dates.) You are young, yet old enough that men your age should have the maturity to conduct themselves like adults who appreciate and value your company. If he does stuff like this current guy…he’s just not that into you. Don’t take it personally. Just move on.
You can do better. MUCH better. Listen to your instincts and leave him. You deserve a partner who wants to do things with you and for you.
Your feelings are not wrong. Nor should anyone make you question the validity of your feelings. They are yours. You deserve respect for how you feel and you deserve date nights. This guy is not showing appreciation for you. I wouldn’t talk to the kiddos about this though. I’d just leave him.
I’m kind of amazed and saddened you went as long as you did. You sound like you don’t know your worth-
If one of your kids were grown and in a spot like this, what would you tell them?
I’m sorry you had to ask OP. No one deserves to be treated that poorly or to live knowing they can’t bring things to their partner because they’ll blow up. It sounds like maybe life taught you differently and I think it’s time to know you deserve so much better.
He is telling you who he is and you are still waiting for something else, you know is never going to happen, and you are teaching your girls that is ok to put up with mistreatment,
Doesn’t sound like they went fishing
Is this Sex and the City? Wild to act like neither of you can really have a relationship with kids.