My husband (27) and I (30) have been together for 9 years and we have 2 children together. My BIL, husband’s oldest brother, in the last year has become a new father. Unfortunately things didn’t work out with his gf, they broke up, he moved back home with us. While my brother in law might not want to admit it, the breaking of his relationship and being a single dad has hit him HARD. Naturally my husband and I are becoming worried, so I decided I would do small things here and there to help him out. He works graveyard shifts 6pm-6am, so on days where I meal prepped for the week, for my husband and I, I would also include my BIL and make his lunches. His room was in complete disarray, so a few of his cousins and I got together to help clean his room and gather all the things necessary you need for a baby.
Now the situation. Father’s Day is coming up, it’ll be BIL’s first Father’s Day with his son. We already knew BIL’s ex wasn’t going to do anything special for him, she isn’t even letting him see his son on Father’s Day. So I decided I would get a small gift, for his son to give him on Father’s Day. I told my husband this, and while he liked the idea, he did find it alittle weird. Mostly because BIL isn’t my father, and isn’t my husband. I just saw it as a nice gesture, and didn’t want him to feel alone on a day that’s supposed to be about fathers.
More added context. My father isn’t in my life, so Father’s Day really isn’t a big deal to me, it’s more so for my kids, and my nephew I’m putting in all this work. Both of my kids are under the age of 6, so any Father’s Day celebrations is already put on me, I just figured I’d include him as well.
So am I wrong for helping my BIL and including him in father’s day celebrations?
EDIT: My husband has found all these gestures weird and feels that I’m pushing a boundary. The only reason he hasn’t complained as much as he’d like, is because my husband knows I’m just trying to help.
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Backup of the post’s body: My husband (27) and I (30) have been together for 9 years and we have 2 children together. My BIL, husband’s oldest brother, in the last year has become a new father. Unfortunately things didn’t work out with his gf, they broke up, he moved back home with us. While my brother in law might not want to admit it, the breaking of his relationship and being a single dad has hit him HARD. Naturally my husband and I are becoming worried, so I decided I would do small things here and there to help him out. He works graveyard shifts 6pm-6am, so on days where I meal prepped for the week, for my husband and I, I would also include my BIL and make his lunches. His room was in complete disarray, so a few of his cousins and I got together to help clean his room and gather all the things necessary you need for a baby.
Now the situation. Father’s Day is coming up, it’ll be BIL’s first Father’s Day with his son. We already knew BIL’s ex wasn’t going to do anything special for him, she isn’t even letting him see his son on Father’s Day. So I decided I would get a small gift, for his son to give him on Father’s Day. I told my husband this, and while he liked the idea, he did find it alittle weird. Mostly because BIL isn’t my father, and isn’t my husband. I just saw it as a nice gesture, and didn’t want him to feel alone on a day that’s supposed to be about fathers.
More added context. My father isn’t in my life, so Father’s Day really isn’t a big deal to me, it’s more so for my kids, and my nephew I’m putting in all this work. Both of my kids are under the age of 6, so any Father’s Day celebrations is already put on me, I just figured I’d include him as well.
So am I wrong for helping my BIL and including him in father’s day celebrations?
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I think you’re a wonderful person for doing this. And I’m sure he will be grateful. This also sets a good example for your children, to be there for a loved one when they’re going through a rough patch.
Not wrong At all. It’s so kind of you to acknowledge him that way. Your husband needs to check his weird meter. Hope your BIL feels better soon
It’s thoughtful and compassionate
It’s a sweet gesture.
Not wrong.
You are incredibly kind.
You are kind & thoughtful when you have two children of your own to manage & apparently a grown man child. I am happy he wasn’t an ass about it. But please ask him to pull out the imaginary rule book for Hallmark Holidays? Sure there are traditions most people follow and I’m not hating on the day itself…but would he make a stink about adopting parents being celebrated? If anything now more than ever does the BIL need to be supported and know his son will appreciate his efforts as a father.
Help him get a custody order.
He should always have his kids on Fathers Day.
Beautiful youre doing this, no question. However if a grown man now responsible for a child cannot clean their own room then maybe you’re enabling him a bit. Help him learn to cook etc rather than doing it for him.
I think it’s wonderful of you to do this. When my sister & her husband divorced, he had joined a religious cult, hadn’t worked in 2 years because “God would provide”-in other words, a real nut job. They had small kids. I would take them to town to pick out gifts for their Mom for birthdays & holidays. I love doing things like that.
It’s a gift from his son, not from you, so a kind gesture. NTA
Not wrong at all. It was super sweet of you to think of him.
Nta
“She is not letting him see his son!?!” He needs a good attorney ASAP
It’s wonderful that you’re going out of your way to support your BIL.
It’s more “weird” to me that BIL’s own brother hasn’t shown as much interest, kindness, or support.
Not a wrong idea. If your husband is creeped out, the gift could be from your kids to their uncle.
You are such a nice and thoughtful person. Someone going through this type of heartache and it is nice for you to help in anyway. Your husband should be very lucky that you treat his own brother like yours. There is nothing weird about it.
Your husband is jealous. Sit him down and explain that you are trying to support his brother being a Dad on his own. Tell him you are doing this for him (your husband) and your nephew. That all you are trying to do is be supportive. Y’all have each other. Ask him to help you support his brother. If he’s an active father ask him to help brother when he has baby to show his support to. All you are doing is supporting family.
What’s he doing for his child though. It doesn’t sound like he even sees him or fight to see him. It sounds like he works , sits in his filth like a pig and is just pure lazy man baby. Your doing all his adulting for him. Stop doing that , he needs to learn how to live.
Just add you can request in parenting plans that you’re guaranteed Father’s Day or mother’s Day depending on what you are in the child’s life. I insisted on this in my parenting plan 18 years ago and it has helped me a lot to know that I got my children every mother’s Day,, just a friendly FYI.
NTA
Perhaps your husband has a possessive streak, and doesn’t like to see you being nice to another man, even an in-law.
Or perhaps your BIL has started to privately tell your husband that he’s a lucky man because you’re a perfect woman, and he wishes he’d paired up with someone just like you, instead of that B he was with…
You have a huge heart. The world needs more people like you.
Your BIL needs to go to court and get the custody issue worked out. Ex isn’t even “letting” him see his son for Father’s Day. Ex doesn’t have the right or the authority to dictate when and if he can see his son. He needs to have established visitation. It is in the best interest of the child to have 2 involved parents that love them.
Not wrong but I think your husband is caught in between two thoughts. He knows his brother is having tons of issues and you (mainly) and some family are just trying to help and he gets that hit on the other end he feel a little off or maybe even jealous that his wife is including him in a holiday for him your husband even though he knows why and that it’s you being nice.
Some times out thought and feeling are weird as they are valid and then also wrong to some degree.
Maybe ask the cousins to do the Father’s Day gift so they give him something from his son so you are not doing the gift yourself and you can keep your participation to just your kids.
Also, please push him to get the child custody though the courts and have very detail drop off pickups and days (holidays) in writing as this will get worse for him. That is if he hasn’t already.