So I 21F come from a very religious Christian family who does believe that sex before marriage is wrong. Therefore I did not tell my family when I started sleeping with my boyfriend who I’d been dating at the time for about a year. He is incredible, we are still together and for reference he is 24, me and my family love him! Back to the story, my friend is about 25F i met with to ha g out for a bit while hanging out with her she asked me how things were going with my boyfriend, she also asked me if we were sleeping together. Since my family is so religious and I don’t have very many friends I hadn’t told anyone about it I also never talked to anyone really regarding sexual intimacy. Since this friend is married and a few years older than me I opened up and told her the truth but I also asked her not to share anything with my family . While skip forward six months (she is also friends with my family) she met with my sister and my sister told my parents. My boyfriend and I went to have dinner with my parents anaware they knew, right before dinner and they opened the whole can worms. I was in tears!! My family had recently been through a lot! I felt like I let them down by sleeping with my boyfriend. Now a year later at my brother’s wedding she came up to me and asked if we could talk she apologized and asked me to forgive her. She was in tears told me she was struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. I said I forgived her and we could start over and maybe meet for coffee. I know what I said and I know my sister is also to be held accountable. And I am worried about her. But I still feel hurt and I really don’t want to see her right now. I don’t know what to do?
Sorry BTW for the long post Iwas just trying to explain it as well as I could
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Backup of the post’s body: So I 21F come from a very religious Christian family who does believe that sex before marriage is wrong. Therefore I did not tell my family when I started sleeping with my boyfriend who I’d been dating at the time for about a year. He is incredible, we are still together and for reference he is 24, me and my family love him! Back to the story, my friend is about 25F i met with to ha g out for a bit while hanging out with her she asked me how things were going with my boyfriend, she also asked me if we were sleeping together. Since my family is so religious and I don’t have very many friends I hadn’t told anyone about it I also never talked to anyone really regarding sexual intimacy. Since this friend is married and a few years older than me I opened up and told her the truth but I also asked her not to share anything with my family . While skip forward six months (she is also friends with my family) she met with my sister and my sister told my parents. My boyfriend and I went to have dinner with my parents anaware they knew, right before dinner and they opened the whole can worms. I was in tears!! My family had recently been through a lot! I felt like I let them down by sleeping with my boyfriend. Now a year later at my brother’s wedding she came up to me and asked if we could talk she apologized and asked me to forgive her. She was in tears told me she was struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. I said I forgived her and we could start over and maybe meet for coffee. I know what I said and I know my sister is also to be held accountable. And I am worried about her. But I still feel hurt and I really don’t want to see her right now. I don’t know what to do?
Sorry BTW for the long post Iwas just trying to explain it as well as I could
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You’re not wrong for not wanting to talk to her for awhile. Tell her that you’re still working on your feelings. You forgive her, but you’re not ready to deal with her yet.
You’re not wrong. You don’t owe her anything. Forgiveness is for you to let it go and move on. Unfortunately, you can’t trust her, you’re better off investing that energy into others.
While you are within your right to choose not to forgive, I do think it’s something that would—for me, at this point over a year later—be forgiven. We’d have to work through all of the feelings of betrayal for sure, and it would take forever before I’d trust her (and prob NEVER with something super secretive!!), but I think it’s something good friends could work through.
That said, I’d also be concerned with the dark thoughts she’s having. Is she the type to manipulate—like do you think she threw that in to ensure your forgiveness or make you feel guilty or even deflect from what she did wrong? Or do you think she was being sincere? With tears in her eyes SOUNDS sincere, but you know her better than we do.
You seem like you’re really sweet but stuck in purity culture. Setting boundaries & living life on your terms is hard for everyone, but I think more so with people from purity/religious trauma due to the feelings of guilt & shame. I do not think you should meet with her. I do think you should look for a therapist who can help you to visualize what you want, how to set boundaries, how to grow a support system, how to release yourself from the guilt you have been indoctrinated to accept. I hope you find peace and are able to live on your terms.
This is one person I would completely cut out of my life.
What exactly does her personal problems have to do with the fact that she thought it was ok to tell your family all about your sex life?
Did she tell your sister she was depressed and suicidal also, or just salacious gossip about you? If not then why would she talk about you and not herself?
I’d never speak to her again. Friends keep confidences and she clearly isn’t a friend.
And I’d never confide anything to my sister again. That’s a worse betrayal than what this woman did. What were the two of them thinking? That they have such pathetic lives that yours should be equally miserable? Or were they jealous that you have a good bf? Sister especially.
This is only part of the problem with religion. You give your trust to your friends and that is a good path to a stronger friendship. Your friend trashed that for clout with your family and their magical sky genie.
NTA you need friends that will put you first. This one proved incapable. She is at best an acquaintance and can most likely never attain the trust needed to be a true friend.
Why did she tell them?
You don’t have to be friends with her.
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I can’t understand why some Christian’s are dark on sex before marriage, considering the god they worship got a teen pregnant. A teen who was supposedly married to another man.
I went through a VERY similar situation once. I had a friend from church who was known for sleeping around. We were both 17 and she made her way through all our friends in the first year of us knowing each other. I also knew her mom because we went to the same church but our parents were just acquaintances. One day I told her how I wanted to lose my virginity to the guy I had been seeing. For context, my plan was literally impossible. He lived in the city and I had ZERO way to make this happen. She took what I told her and ran with it. She told her mom and while I was at youth group her mom told my parents and I came home to her and her mother sitting on the couch talking to my parents about what I confided in her. I was absolutely crushed. I hadn’t even done anything just brought up a thought in conversation. Her mom had the audacity to say to me “bless your heart” while her literal ran through daughter sat there silently. I ended up remaining friends with her for a few years after she apologized but I quickly learned that our friendship was only there when it was convenient for her and she didn’t actually care about me. In hindsight, I wish I had cut her off then and saved myself years of putting up with her poor treatment of me.
ETA: not to mention this event completely destroyed my relationship with my also conservative Christian parents for years. I was still picking up the pieces when I decided I had had enough and enlisted at 20.
You have nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for. You are an ADULT and adults are entitled to have sex lives if they want. Your friend is no friend at all. Do not trust them. They probably got sent to get more of your personal info for your shitty family.
Oh please don’t believe the BS about how sorry she is. She did this on purpose. You never speak to anyone about your sex life ever. That is totally disrespectful to your partner. I have always believed that sex should only be discussed between the two people having it. Why do people find the need to share their private matters with friends or family for that matter? I can understand a joke here and there but discussing intimate details is off limits. If you let her into your life again remember that she has already shown you who she is, be very careful what you share with her.
You don’t owe that friend anything. It’s sad if she’s depressed, but that doesn’t mean you owe her anything. It is her job to manage her own depression, not yours. You’re allowed to say, “I’m still hurt, and I’m not able to help you now.” It doesn’t have to be you. She can talk to another friend or, better yet, seek professional help. Being depressed doesn’t absolve her of her past actions.
I say this as a person who has struggled with suicidal ideation and depression for decades. It is MY job to manage MY emotions. It is her job to deal with her depression. If you want to hang out with her and support her you can, but I can’t say this enough, it doesn’t have to be you who helps her. You need to maintain your own boundaries and take care of yourself first.
Honestly, fuck her reasoning for doing it. It doesn’t excuse it at all, and that’s all she’s trying to do. I honestly don’t know that I’d even believe her comments about why she told your family you were sleeping with your boyfriend, because those two things are completely irrelevant to each other and almost certainly would never have naturally come up in conversation together.
Tell her you don’t actually forgive her, you don’t believe her, and you don’t ever want to see or hear from her again because you can’t trust her.
Don’t light yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm. If you’ve not ready to be around her yet, you don’t have to be. You can forgive her but let her know that you still need some time.
It was straight up sabotage.
You sound like a sweet person so, I don’t think you did but is there any reason for this woman or your sister to feel vengeful against you? Your friend let the secret slip because she has some sort of anger with you. She knew what would happen when she told your sister but chose to do it anyway.
When she apologized, she spoke about her depression and suicidal thoughts, but did she speak about why she told your sister? Are they closer than the both of you? And while she might have been depressed/suicidal at the time, why did she betray your confidence knowing how deeply it would impact your relationship with your family and how they view you and your relationship with your boyfriend? What else has she done to others in her depressed/suicidal state that has been damaging to them and the relationship she shares with them?
By forgiving her, you already did more than I know I would have. But right now you have two people who are problems: your sister and your friend. Even though your friend is suffering, I’d consider your sister the priority focus. I wouldn’t be in a rush to “start over” with either until they’ve come clean enough for you and your feelings are resolved.
she’s weaponising mental health to guilt trip you. do not talk to this person anymore.
Idk I’ve been depressed and anxious and it’s never been a reason for me to be a shit human being.
You are not wrong for not wanting your sex life to be public. 24 is not the age of a boy 21 is not a girl. Sex is a body function and so most have that ick reaction as we feel about anyone talking about any other body function. You’re fine. You know if you want to watch a movie, go for a walk, or procreate. If you are not interested in being his wife stop seeing him if he wants to be your husband and you want to be his wife make it legal.
Don’t get guilted into meeting with her- I’m not saying that was the reason why she told you her story, but it’s certainly has that effect on a decent person, feeling obliged to listen and help her. Either she’s a manipulative narcissist who wants you back in her sphere, or she’s seriously troubled and wants you to (help) save her. You’re not qualified to help her whatever way she wants, and even if you get to a place where you can freely forgive her— THIS WOMAN IS NOT A FRIEND OF YOURS. I doubt you’ll forget that, but it’s really not hard to sometimes when things go right back to the way they were before. Don’t give people like this any more chances to screw your life up! AGAIN!!! (unless they’re family, and even then Buyers Beware)
Forgive? — Yes, for both your sakes. Forget? . . . . no, please NO
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
You don’t need to forgive her, ignore her. She broke your trust. Being depressed or suicidal doesn’t make you a shitty friend. But she isn’t your friend. This is something you learn as you become an adult. Would you have done what she did to a friend? I bet the answer is no. And there are repercussions for breaking someone’s trust. You don’t need her in your life. She’s also responsible for her own actions, no matter what those actions are. Ignore her. Protect yourself. This was a hard lesson to learn but you’ll get through it stronger. Good luck on your relationship. And having sex outside of marriage is not a sin. Having people outside of the relationship being involved in your personal business is sinful in my opinion.
Depression isn’t a reason to make you gossip about others, when you can simply talk about your own self
Talk, forgive if you feel it in your heart to do so, but do not trust this person again. It sucks that she’s going through a hard time and my heart goes out to her. But maybe she’s learning a very hard lesson that you won’t keep friends if you can’t keep confidences. She will be lonely for a while, but will be better for it. Detraction is a sin too, after all.
Is nice that you forgave her but I’d suggest that you from now on treat her as an acquaintance and not as a friend. Keep your private life private from her and your sister, only talking about things that won’t affect your life if other people hear about it
She’s not your friend. Your sister sucks. Your parents are horrible. Throw them all away except the boyfriend.
I wouldn’t be able to trust her again. You can forgive, but you don’t have to forget or trust them again.
Cut her out of your life. She’s going to always run back and tell some shit. You’re a young adult and can make your own decisions so to hell with feeling guilty
If my parents brought up my sex life after I became an adult this would be the correct response “my sex life is none of your business.” End of story. As for the person who told your sister, they are a creepy loser who you need to eliminate from your life. Your sister is just as creepy for telling your parents and you know that she isn’t to be trusted.
Any “ friend” that tells others, especially those you specifically told not to tell us not a friend. Drop this person immediately, they seem to want to control or even ruin your life.
I had a friend tell sensitive information to someone I told them not to tell and they gaslighted me. Said they don’t remember if they said anything. But they did. Bye, bye
So OP you make her own all of the work to re-establish the friendship. If she invited you out and you have time you can say yes. If she doesn’t initiate the conversation or meet ups they don’t happen. Actions have consequences and you specifically asked her to keep your secret snd she didn’t. Your sister would be completely ignored as if she doesn’t exist until she made an apology in front of your parents for speaking about things that are none of her business.
Her depression does NOT justify her complete betrayal to you. I might also say to her, “I will forgive you in order to not carry the bitterness in my heart, but I’m not ready to meet just yet, I’m still upset about it.
A secret is not to be shared, it’s a secret! She told your sister something she had authority to share. I would never trust her again and if asked would just say that she has proven herself to be untrustworthy. Your sister purposely shared private knowledge at a stressful time to cause harm and embarrassment. Your sister could have “tattled” at a less hurtful time but she wanted you feel the maximum punch. Your sister has proven herself to be vindictive, conniving, inconsiderate, untrustworthy, un compassionate and as far from Christ like as can be. Jesus didn’t publicly shame ‘the woman at the well’. John 4:1-42 He didn’t condemn her. Jesus told her the sin she was committing and said sin no more.
Since you decided that you want to be around her again, don’t be surprised when your information starts spreading again. You said you don’t want to talk to her again, but yet you’re still going to? Do you have trouble saying no or standing up for yourself? Let her have coffee with your sister without you.
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Behold, religious trauma strikes again!
I had a friend who did this to me as well. We never fully recovered. We are still friends, not to the level we were. My family is not overly religious, but things like sex and periods had this weird taboo environment going on. Of course, I was confronted, and it was embarrassing. My friend told me she was worried about me, which I found hilarious because I was more responsible than her, in general. I stopped telling her things, she started to think I was jealous of everything she was doing that I was not included in, but really I just wanted to take a long step back after that betrayal.
The depressed and suicidal comments seem like emotional blackmail to me to get you to forgive her. You really should block her and don’t speak to her.
Ask yourself what YOU would get out of meeting her. You can forgive her but being a good person doesn’t mean you have to be close to her again. Actions have consequences and she is seeing the consequences of betraying someone’s trust. Maybe next time someone tells her something in confidence she will not share it.
She’s not a friend. She told a secret. She broke your trust. Then she comes up to you crying (for sympathy), says she’s struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, to manipulate you back into friendship. At your brother’s wedding no less! That’s abusive. That’s narcissistic. That is not a good friend. Don’t. Go. Back. Go, no contact.
I once listened to a pastor preach “forgive but never forget” the sermon focused on forgiveness is for you, not the offender. That’s it’s safest for you to not forget what has been done, as you learned important lessons because of it. People can and do change, but that doesn’t take away the pain they caused. This doesn’t mean let yourself get stuck in a trauma loop, but instead take an objective view. If you touch a hot curling iron, you learn to be more aware of the shiny part while it’s on. Dealing with other humans isn’t much different.
RIP Pastor Bobby. Taught me so much, including my loss of the Christian religion. (Story for another time and place.)
You can try to forgive her if that’s what you want. And then slowly ghost her. That’s what I did in past.
Do not let this woman weaponize mental health issues. She is trying to manipulate you by making you feel bad for her. She’s full of sh!t. Also, no one tells their family they’re having sex with their bf. Unless I guess you’re a very open family. Two, you told her in confidence and explicitly told her not to say anything. So yeah your sister sucks but the friend is the one at fault. It’s ok to forgive her, cause she isn’t worth the mental space. But don’t let this girl back into your good graces as a friend. She’s involved in your family’s life so be cordial but other than that she should kick rocks.
I’ve met a person who used his suicidal thoughts to make me stay in a situationship. However, this is only a friendship. Just go low contact with her. She might use this to get you to forgive her and restore everything. Also, is your friend super religious? I find it odd that she asked about your sex life if she is.
OP you sound like a sweet gently person.
This friend is walking all over you. Let’s break this down.
She is your family friend so she should know you well, yet she asks you such a personal detail about your relationship.
She literally tells your family, for what reason!?
She could be using suicide as a shield to forgive her, because why would anyone be mean to a suicidal person.
Seriously, she is not a friend. The situation with your family is a bit different and tough because of your religion, I will only come from a atheistic point of view so all I will say is, you shouldn’t feel bad about sleeping with your bf. It must have been an emotional decision for you.
Your friend is a nasty person and will keep trying to make you miserable, for all we know she has some kind of thing against you. Perhaps jealousy or she is just a nasty person.
Cut her out you told her in confidence and she betrayed you
NTA
The traitor is the asshole. Her baggage has nothing to do with trashing your trust.
Fine to accept her apology, also fine to not want to have any contact with her.
I would call her an acquaintance and not a friend.
Sometimes friendships end, and that’s okay. I wouldn’t want to be her friend.
You’re definately not wrong…. People need to mind their own business…. I came from a religious family, baptist religion… So i understand all the religious stuff… You do you girl! Get rid of the Toxicity in your life, and live your life on your terms! I would never trust that so called “friend” again… Or your sister for that fact…. It they really cared about you they would have minded their own business and just been there for you if you needed support… And wouldn’t have thrown you to the wolves… Friends don’t do that! Siblings shouldn’t do that!
This is one of the reasons I got away from religion… And once I got out… I realized how CULT like it felt…. If you believe in God and you trust in God… You don’t need a religion to show that! And you’ve got no one to prove it to sweets… You just be you!!! Best of luck 🤞
Stay sweet!