I (30) have been dating this girl (28F) for a few months and something she recently said is seriously making me reconsider things and run
She told me very explicitly, that whoever she dates or even marries, must make more money than her. She was firm about it, saying it’s non-negotiable. She also believes the man should pay for everything especially if he’s older (weird mindset in today’s day and age)
I’m trying to understand this mindset, but I’m struggling. Income isn’t always something we can control. careers change, life throws curveballs, I’d like to believe that in a healthy relationship, things like money and responsibility are shared or at least discussed openly and flexibly.
It’s not even that I mind paying sometimes. I certainly do and I have but the expectation that it’s my duty just because I’m a man or slightly older feels off ngl
I’m now questioning whether this is just a personal preference of hers or if it’s a deeper value misalignment that I shouldn’t ignore.
Am I overthinking this or judging her too quickly? Or is this a red flag I shouldn’t ignore? Curious to hear from others who’ve dealt with similar situations.
TL;DR – Girl I’ve been dating says she’ll only date/marry a man who makes more than her and believes the man should always pay, especially if he’s older. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or if this is a sign of deeper incompatibility. Is this mindset a red flag?
Comments
If she is telling you this a few months in, just imagine what she isn’t telling you yet. I’d end it before your feelings get deeper.
If she wants to stick to the old ways then she should stay home, barefoot and pregnant This is a red flag.and hypocritical of her.
Nope. Not overthinking.
Better she say this now, than when you are 40 and fall on hard times and she leaves you for another man.
In my marriage my wife has earned more than me and when I lost my job you always have a worry that they will leave you and this is when she swore she would stay.
She started saying that I failed the family and I wasn’t a man. She regretted it later, but the point is if my wife who generally doesn’t believe that though about leaving, a woman who does will run.
Sounds like she has some underlying beliefs about things which may or may not be worth talking about further to see if she will change her mind based on some fresh perspectives. I guess it depends on how invested you are in the relationship? Good luck OP
Dont see an issue if thats what her preference is. As long as theme is consistent of a typical gender based role & whether you are okay to align with such roles.
Her mindset isn’t going to change. Your money will always be “our” money & her money will always be hers.
You can have fun with it (before breaking up if you don’t want to be a wallet that will be dumped the first moment you can’t pay for what she wants or she earns equal/more) & say it’s great she feels like that because you’ve always wondered what it would be like to never have to lift a finger at home & have someone ready to cater to your every need when asked.
You aren’t compatible. Move on.
Ya this is total incompatibility but also really great communication this early on! Just say you find what she said a red flag and go your separate ways.
Run! There are so many red flags here, and it sounds like your gf wants to be a tradwife, or something similar. Those antiquated gender roles was might be ok if both parties are into that nonsense, but most modern women prefer something more equitable.
Why would it be wrong to question her mindset? Think about it. You’re the one who is ultimately affected by it. What if someone says, “You’re wrong for questioning this.” Why does it matter if it’s wrong to question it or not? It’s your life, question anything you want to. Instead, focus on if you want this in your life. She says what her expectations are. There’s nothing wrong with having expectations. They’re what she wants. What are your expectations? Does she fulfill them? If your expectation is to have a partner who is more flexible to life happening, does she fulfill that? No? Then move on. Are you able to fulfill her expectations to be the breadwinner permanently? No? You’re not compatible. Done.
I think most of what people call Red Flags on here are simply preference differences. In this case, it sounds like you’re more progressive and she’s more conservative. The deeper question is “are these differences something you’d be ok compromising on or are they incompatible”?
Y’all are 60% stronger in strength, don’t have periods and barely wear makeup. Where is that extra headspace and physical strength going??
Uhhhh I’m a woman and if you reverse this so it was a man saying it to me, that would be an instant breakup for me. Do you want to be trapped in traditional gender roles with no possibility of change and resentment if you fall short? I sure wouldn’t want that.