When he and I started dating it didn’t matter to me and he hadn’t even started his transition yet and e
when he told me I offered him all my support.
As time went on, this feeling started to grow because I didn’t see any change in him, not even physical like a simple haircut.
i feel so jealous every time i see a couple where the man is a trans guy and he really looks..like a boy.
The worst thing is that this feeling only stings when it’s MY boyfriend, not other trans men.
Its so annoying and makes me feel so bad, i know it’s not his fault but mine.
I really wish he was cis, things would be so different and I feel a little disappointed every time I remember what his biological sex is…
what should I do?
EDIT
Before updating, thank you very much to those who guided me to have a more open point of view on the subject, thanks to you I was able to better clarify my arguments and position.
We had a call, because I wasn’t able to see him in person as I am now in another state for the vacations and as it was something that was really keeping me awake at night, so I decided it was time to talk about it.
I did it in a VERY respectful but above all sincere way, which is not the same as being cruel.
Things ended somewhat badly, on his part as this topic , has always been a sensitive one for him.
And after that, this is what he wrote me:
“I’m sorry if I write to you after what happened, but I can’t go on with this feeling that won’t go away.
I don’t have to ask you for forgiveness in the first place, you should ask me for forgiveness.
And maybe you will say
“Why should I ask this guy for forgiveness?”
Well I’ll tell you why
I’m tired of us always ending up like this.
Basically you showed yourself with an attitude of repudiation towards me.
Even if you didn’t notice it. The way you expressed yourself, the way you spoke, the way you said what you felt.
All of that was a mixture of things that hurt me like you have no idea, and I want you to realize that.
I want you to realize the damage you did to me as soon as the conversation started.
And the truth is that I spoke to you because I knew I was wrong about your point of view towards my identity.
Your attitude was immature, and you will say “what does it matter to him if everyone calls him that” well, I’m still half closed with that topic and every time I tell someone; they make mistakes, and I don’t want people to find out from other people so I kindly ask them to treat me as “him” in private and in public as “her”.
About make-up…you can’t be so closed minded, you really disappointed me a lot on that subject.
Men and women can wear makeup, it’s an art, a form of expression.
Not a symbolism of who is more feminine than the other.
And maybe you want me to be masculine to the max, and well, I wish they would let me dress like this without telling me that I look ugly or bad.
I must repress myself a lot to tell you the truth,
What would you have felt if you were trans and I called you by your dead name and told you “if you are cis don’t look for me”?
I don’t want to be with someone
like you
I am so sorry if at some point you felt cheated but even you know that I have always been like that.
I’ve always liked to wear things that society calls “feminine”.
And I am so sorry that you are part of that society…
And I’m sorry if I offend you but from my point of view you were just cruel, whichever way you look at it, you acted very badly and you should accept it if you think you are more mature than when we were together.
Maybe you tell me “it’s just my opinion, and you shouldn’t judge me for what I want or what I’m looking for”.
If you really didn’t love me for who I was, why didn’t you just be honest and tell me that you wanted a man with a penis and that he dressed like one?
To be honest is to have told me from before that you were bothered by my tastes and you very well remember that I also wanted to make up like you.”
nothing more to add, we broke up.
Comments
Taste is taste. We do not choose our taste, our attractions, our desires.
Not wrong at all.
Now in a relationship, you have to see the overall, can you compromise some of what you desire for the good points you have? Will it grow within you, the desire for cis man action? I dunno, only you (perhaps) can know.
It’s Man.
Not “cis man”.
He deserves someone that loves him as is.
if you’re disappointed they’re not cis, you should break up.
You have your preference and it’s not him. Let him go and you both find someone suitable.
Youre attracted to men and dating someone who looks like s woman so it makes sense you’re not attracted.
You two may not be compatible
Unfortunately, neither of you will be happy in the long run. You’re expecting fast physical results when it’s already so so hard to just BE trans today. That doesn’t really make you wrong or a bad person, I just think there’s a disconnect between you and what it actually means to be trans.
he honestly deserves better. if you’re having doubts about him just leave him for someone who’s 100% accepting of who he is.
You wish he was a cisman but you started dating him as a ciswoman before he even considered transition? Are you a man or a woman? Why would you date a ciswoman if you’re attracted to men? I can’t tell if this is a sexual attraction issue or something different because it doesn’t really make sense if they were a woman when you initially started dating.
I know it is hard but you have to understand. You two are no longer compatible.
A breakup is butter than a divorce.
In the long run, this could make you both unhappy. If you genuinely feel like you aren’t attracted to them anymore and you’re incompatible, then break up and start looking for cis men and maybe stay friends with your ex if that becomes the case, and continue to support them.
I’m a trans man and if my partner didn’t want to be with me because I didn’t have a penis I would want to break up. It’s a compatibility issue, a preference issue. It will lead to resentment and hurt feelings. Don’t be cruel.
It’s not wrong to have the temu version of a thing and yearn for the real deal.
I think you know.
Break up. I can tell you confidently he would be devastated to know you feel this way
yes u are in the wrong
What parts of the relationship do you like? Do the good things outweigh the bad? How do you feel when thinking about your relationship 20 years from now assuming their gender presentation won’t change? No relationship is perfect. Your feelings are not wrong, but they are also unlikely to change. What do you want to do?
break up with him
So you started dating him when he looked like a woman???
This is probably above reddits pay grade. This is probs something you should talk through with like a therapist. I would guess that there is a more complex and underlying tangle of thoughts and unexamined feelings. It may help to examine where the pain source and complex feels are coming from for you to understand if it is something that is addressable or if it’s something that is fundamentally something that makes y’all incompatible. If you’re not willing to do that work, I would suggest breaking up so your boyfriend isn’t with someone who is sad about being with them.
I think the problem is, is that the person you’re dating is playing head games with you. It’s time to break up, and I would suggest getting into therapy
yeah, idk about this one chief. pretty sure your boyfriend is already disappointed with the fact that he’s not cis, he doesn’t need you to be disappointed with him on top of it too.
date someone you’re not unhappy with and let him find someone who’s happy with him as he is.
I think you are not compatible. Genitals are important because sex is important. Gender presentation is important , if you are attracted to masculine men with a penis you should perhaps date cis men.
Just break up. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who wishes they were someone else (personality or physically). It’s not fair to your partner, even if they don’t know it yet, one day it will come out and that’s going to be awful for them. Set them free to find someone who wants who they are not who they might be.
No but why date him if you want a cis man? People would be so much happier if you live in your truth and stop holding yourself to these standards you made up in your head. Break up out of respect for your partner but as well as yourself. The longer you stay the more resentment you both will get and he doesn’t deserve that.
Become straight?
So you want a man with a penis. Is that what I’m reading?
Perhaps this is not the right relationship for you.
No. Pretending to make a small portion of society happy isn’t sustainable. You have hit a wall of reality.
Why even stay with this person? It’s not wrong to have preferences.
This boils down to one simple thing:
You wish your partner were somebody other than who they are.
Break up.
Leave it
Why you are wrong if you follow the nature of creation. Go get a real man
Not wrong at all. You’re not transphobic or anything. It’s just personal preference. If it’s not working for you it’s not working for you. Doesn’t need to be made more complicated than that.
It more sounds like you just wish he put in effort to appear his gender which I actually get as a bi girl. Im attracted to men and women but.. differently. A man meeting my taste for women would just not be my type, because that’s not what I want in a man. You both sounds incompatible if they arent making the changes, I would just leave and let you both find someone who truly gets what each of you want.
Two people can be wonderful people but that doesn’t mean they’re compatible.
Just to be clear, is not the fact that he is trans that’s a problem is the fact that he isn’t as masculine as other trans men?
Either way this kind of unsatisfaction, regardless of what’s about, will only lead to resentment and bitterness. So you should just break up.
You don’t have to date trans people to be an ally or good person
No, he is a cis man. He’s just confused.
I went through exactly this, well, almost exactly. I was with a man who later decided to transition. And I’m bisexual, so I thought it’d be easier to work through and even watched she-male porn to see if I could still get off. And I could.
But then it finally clicked that, I’d planned on being with a man for the rest of my life, and I couldn’t work around that change. We’re still really good friends, and we even do our makeup together. But unfortunately, we did need to break up. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
I’ll put it like this: I dated a younger guy than me for a bit, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was that was weirding me out. He was funny, intelligent, and we had so much in common. I finally realized that he looked too much like a teenager to me. Though he was hot, it was like dating a hot teen and it made something like bile rise up. I felt…almost pedo because he had that teenage look. Once I put my finger on it, I broke up immediately. (Without telling him that reason, of course. That was my issue, and he’d be fine with someone his age, or maybe someone my age who didn’t have an issue with that. Gross.)
You might be experiencing your own version of that. You said your BF looks like a boy. It messes with one’s mind. No matter how much I told my mind my ex was a man, I couldn’t change my body’s and mind’s reaction to the fact he physically appeared like an attractive boy and it made me feel sick to my stomach.
Stop overthinking it, or second guess if you’re being insensitive. You can’t deny what your gut is telling you.
tbh I don’t think it was handled badly on his part. You told him how you feel, and he told you how you made him feel. Even without knowing the full context, I can feel that his words ring true. I hope you reflect on them, and they sit with you for awhile.
I think you should leave him
Trans male here. I look and sound like a woman. No matter how much I bind my chest, inject testosterone (under guidance of a doctor), put on male clothes, cut my hair, don’t wear makeup (I still wear foundation, I have a skin condition) walk and act masculine, everybody calls me she, and just thinks I’m a butch lesbian. I’ve got hips, and thighs, and an ass. So I said fuck it one day, and just decided to embrace some of the feminine aspects that I missed. I own women’s shirts (like 3 tank tops). Every once in a while I paint my nails black. I don’t deepen my voice anymore. I’m still trans. I just can’t change what testosterone and my natural body have done to me. Maybe he’s disheartened because he feels he can’t change what nature has done to his body in the same way I feel? Sometimes when you know you can’t pass, you just…. Stop trying. It’s too much of a reminder of what you were robbed of. That’s my opinion anyways.
Something I don’t see mentioned is that it sounds like he’s been telling you to drop it because you’re bi. It’s almost like he’s using that as an excuse to not transition (she likes both so she should just like me in both genders) and it’s making you feel bad for wanting some consistency to your relationship. I imagine it’s confusing and difficult for you if you’re trying to support him as a male but constantly being around him while he’s presenting and acting like a woman. (Especially if he seems to be having fun with others presenting as a woman.)
Maybe he’s not ready to come out of the closet and live life presenting as male, which is ok, that’s part of his path. But it feels a little gaslighty and avoidant to make you feel unsupportive rather than discuss the emotional journey he’s on.
Maybe his gender identity is more fluid than just transmale but if you need stability, you’re not going to be able to figure out if his dynamic is something you want to be a part of until he figures out what that dynamic is. If you need to break up for your own emotional health, that isn’t selfish, that’s just acknowledging that where you two are isn’t compatible.
I’m sorry to all the other trans brothers who do not share my feelings. You are valid but so am I. This is my single opinion and if you want your feelings respected please respect others.
I believe that it’s not up to our cis partners to make allowances for us. They do not have to accept the confusing ways to interact with some trans folks. Transitioning from one sex to the other is a medical issue and not a social one. I know I’ll get downvoted to hell with that. But this exact thing is a fine example of why I hold my views. It’s so confusing to meet and begin a relationship with someone who says they are a man then wants to look like a women and further to be referred to as a girl these times but a man other times. It’s not up to the cis partner to deal if they are not in the trans social community already. Enbys and social transitioners are fine but we should have a separate category for them. Transitioning and being trans is a medical issue and should be treated as such. It’s not something to be pushed to the forefront of one’s relationship. I’m a trans man but never talk about it, do not advertise it and do not expect my wife to stay or to change just because I did. I know going into my life fully would limit my dating pool.
Have you quite quite quite gently let him know that it is ok for him to be more traditionally masculine ? He might be thrilled to be more so and hesitates so as not to shock you ? Also, he has to undo his protective conditioning which has kept him from being lynched all his life .
If you love him, please share this with him sensitively.
If you don’t love him, that’s completely different .
Edit: Also, is OP a gay man or a straight woman ? Preferences are so varied nowadays, so there are trans people who are homosexual as well as heterosexual , I should have not assumed above .
You can adopt if he can’t get you pregnant like you want and that way you don’t have to go through pregnancy
As a cis hey guy, Im very sure there have been girls who broke up with me because I wasn’t “masculine” enough (not assertive enough, not boisterous enough, not muscly enough, not tall enough, not hairy enough, jawline too soft, etc, whatever traits are associated). It hurts to be rejected by someone you want. Im sure the added stress of being a trans-man makes it harder. However, as all people looking for love need to accept as a harsh reality: just because someone doesn’t want to date you, that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to change. It just means you aren’t their cup of tea. I’ve never really cared about manliness. I’ve seen trans men who seem way manlier than me. I have just settled somewhere a few steps to “manly” side of non-binary. It’s obvious to me that it is not manly enough for some women, but it’s just right for my current partner. There’s a wide spectrum of tastes. As a trans person, it must hurt even more than for me, seeing as its a hard gender position to hold in this culture, but from their reaction, it seems like they’re taking it more personally than they should. Not all trans men need to be a 9 or 10 on the manly scale, or even a 5 or 6. If your partner is comfortable being a 2 or 3, then that’s where they should be. It’s just not your ideal cup of tea dating-wise, and that’s your decision to make too. Gender is personal, and so is orientation.