As a first-generation Chinese American, born in China, raised in the US, I am aware of coroners, body preparations for the burial or cremation, western-style funerals with people wearing all black and listening to the cleric, obituaries in the newspapers, the transfer of wealth while the person was still alive and when the person is dead. I see cemeteries near churches. Do you have to belong to the parish? Even when westerners visit the dead at the grave, they treat the dead completely differently from how my Chinese relatives treat them. In Chinese, it’s called 扫墓 and it is part of what westerners call ‘ancestral veneration’. The western and Chinese gravestones also look different. I am just wondering how do I fit in.
Comments
Not all cemeteries are associated with a church. Many, if not most, are for the general public.
If you’re quiet and respectful, that’s really the main issues.
Traditionally it is rude to walk atop a grave, but in general burial is a dying practice with more and more people are electing for cremation.
Mainly cremation. Funerals are out, mainly celebrations of life where the body isn’t there.
It depends greatly on family tradition, personal preference of the deceased, and religious affiliation, etc.
Some people want to be cremated. Some want to be buried.
If you are a member of a specific church, I imagine you’d want to be buried there.
Many people specify what they would like to happen to their bodies after death in their wills, but it is for sure a personal choice.
Also, since this is America we are talking about, there is a whole industry surrounding death. Death is really expensive. You generally have to buy a plot in a cemetery unless you have a family plot, which I don’t think is very common. So your, or your family’s, income and insurance makes a pretty big difference too.
There’s such a wide variety of funeral customs because people have a variety of backgrounds. It’s not like there are two customs in the world, “Western” and “Chinese”.
FWIW my dad was cremated and we still have his cremains. They’re…in a closet. It’s not a great situation. My sister and I couldn’t come to a perfect resolution on what to do with them, and then my aunt (my dad’s sister) wanted to be there to scatter them, and we haven’t conferred with her either. At this point we’ll probably end up just keeping them until our mother passes and we can scatter the ashes together. :/
This is not a cultural tradition. This is just my family being disorganized.
For your older relatives, you should probably ask the person what type of funeral they want before they die.
For yourself, you can go with whatever mix of traditions you feel like.
There are all sorts of variations on this. Graveyards are attached to churches and they make the rules about who can be buried there. There are also various cemeteries that are just businesses that anyone can be buried in. There is also cremation, or being placed in an above ground crypt as an alternative. There are certain cemeteries that are designated for current or former members of the military only as well. Funeral homes can help you with all of this. Letting you know what is available in your area.
Basically every member of my family has cremation in their will. It’s less a cultural thing and more a making it easier thing. Planning a funeral makes the mourning process worse.
I haven’t decided yet for myself though, I’m leaning towards burial at sea or fertilizing a tree, but I’m young and I hopefully have decades to decide.
Another important death related tradition in my family is a shiva. It’s a Jewish tradition where the whole family gets together, sits around and talks about the dead person, sharing happy memories and such. It’s usually a multi day affair but in my family it’s usually one day max.
I’m an American who has lived in China and South Korea for work. While the rituals are different, death is pretty much the same for all of us regardless of location or culture. It’s sad for the loved ones left behind and it’s the final act for the person who passed.
As for cemeteries, I actually don’t know anyone in the US who was buried in a church cemetery. They were all buried in private, commercially owned cemeteries so you don’t have to be a member of a specific place of worship to be buried in them. So, if needed, you can be buried in one of these if you’re not religious.
One folk American tradition is to “pour out a little liquor for the homies”. Moreover, some Catholics have an extensive practice of ancestor worship. People put flowers, jarred candles etc on graves on the day after Halloween (All Souls Day). Jewish people tend to put pebbles on graves.
I mean the short answer is you fit in where you want to fit in. Does your family still hold strong to traditional Chinese family values and culture or has everyone embraced western culture and norms?
I’ll assume you are younger. Where do you see yourself over the next 50 years? Marrying another Chinese person or marrying a non Chinese? That would play a huge role down the line when your time comes.
Go to a funeral home and preplan. They will walk you through every choice from cremation/burial to what flowers you want. I did it for a family member and after that family members death we had a 20 minute meeting reviewing everything I previously chose and I just said “yes, I still want that” or I made small tweaks (I changed how much to donate to the priests). Made everything more understandable, got it in writing and gave me peace of mind.
As you are probably aware, there is a significant diversity of religions in the US, and many of them have different practices/customs. At a Jewish cemetery, for example, you will see small rocks on the headstones (there are various explanations as to why people do this). You are unlikely to see the same thing at a Catholic cemetery, or at a civil cemetery except on a Jewish grave.
Being buried someplace often doesn’t require being a member of a particular church as a lot of cemeteries are open to the public. However, there are some church cemeteries that require the deceased to be of that particular faith or denomination.
As for how people act when they go to a gravesite, that’s a personal thing. Some go to visit and peak to the deceased and feel closer to them, some just go on special occasions to clean the site a bit. Some never go visit.
Some people are cremated and have their ashes spread at a favorite location so the family has no one place to visit, just an area like a mountain or a lake, possibly the sea shore.
Your choice when it comes to your remains is up to you. How you act when you visit someone’s grave is also up to you. Just try to be respectful.
There are a lot of different customs, but I would say that a common thread between all of them is that there are two parts.
A solemn ceremony where everyone says goodbye and there is a ceremony of some sort. This can be done as a church service and/or at the graveside if it’s a burial.
A more informal get together. If the person was old (the death isn’t considered an untimely tragedy) this can be a bit more light-hearted where people tell funny stories from the person’s life. If the death was unexpected or the person was young, this part can actually be harder than the more formal funeral because people really let go of their reserve.
While some churches have associated cemeteries, the majority of American cemeteries are not bound to a particular religious institution.
I am Catholic. In my culture (American Roman Catholic), the dying are given Last Rites by a priest. After dying, the body is prepared. There is often a viewing. Then, there is the Funeral Mass, followed by the burial.
When we visit our dead, we often bring flowers to the grave. Sometimes, we will bring objects that represent what the deceased loved in life.
Catholics believe that those who were good people are in Heaven with God, and that they are aware of what is happening on Earth.
Read the book Stiff. It’s very interesting. Although, reading it made me sure I want cremation.
We cremate and move on. My family believes in honoring the person when they are alive.
I want my remains to be scattered at Disneyland.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I put my mom’s and grandma’s ashes in build a bears. Went to the mortuary and they took care of the ashes themselves
Natural burials are becoming a big thing where I am. I have two friends who were buried that way on their family properties in the past two years.
I go back and forth between wanting to be cremated or composted…
Hell some of us are launching our remains into space, some go for cremation, some are planted with a tree etc. there’s sooo many different ways people handle death in the USA.
Personally I plan on having my remains launched in to space when I eventually die. If I don’t make it out there alive I sure as hell want to at least make it out there
Done this a few times
Coroner will pick up the body. If there is no reason no autopsy is performed. If there is a suspicious death, autopsy may happen. After that the body is transferred to a funeral home. You can go either simple cremation for about 2500 or a full burial which starts at about 25,000. Cemeteries May or may not be affiliated with a church. Then if the person was active in the church they can have a full mass at the church, then a graveside service. Or, if you are less religious we did simple graveside services with my parents with various people speaking, sharing memories and the memorable things they did. Then will go and have a get together afterwards.
As far as their belongings, anything that has a survivors name attached to it-banking, autos, property, goes directly to that person. If someone is married, property goes to the surviving spouse. If not, then the rest has to be divided up. This you have to do through probate where values are declared and things shared equally amongst survivors, or you can modify it. My mom’s house and her 401k had to go through probate, while everything else my brother and I just split.
As far as once everything is done, as I live out of state, I go visit when I return, clean off the headstone. Usually sit there in quiet and remember my parents and the things we did together. Always do this in private as I don’t want to talk to others. Plus, my son has the same name as my grandpa and this very much upsets my wife when she sees it.
My mom died in January. We had a service at her Catholic Church, and then the coffin was driven to the cemetery a few miles away where there was another small service at the grave site. I haven’t been back to the cemetery and I don’t know that I will ever go there because to me, that’s not where she is.
There are some cemeteries in the US that were designed to be like parks or botanical gardens. There’s still the expectation to be quiet and respectful, but people do go there to walk and draw and meditate.
As long as you’re quiet, respectful and don’t walk on somebody’s grave. Most are open to the general public. Being buried is becoming less common though. I fully intend to be donated to science, with the hope of being shot out of a cannon. Aunty Cup finally getting airborne before she splatters spectacularly into a wall.
Nothing really. They’re cremated and that’s about it.
Each culture will have different funerary rites and practices. There is no single “western” practice. A Jewish funeral and an Irish funeral will be two totally different things. An Irish Catholic and Irish protestant will have different practices. A Polish Catholic and Italian Catholic will be similarly different.
I was a pallbearer for my grandmother’s casket who was buried next to my grandfather. They had a service at the retirement home. I haven’t been back in like 15 years. It’s Maryland somewhere and like an hour drive.
Six Feet Under which I didn’t finish changed a lot. It is a song and dance. I don’t get the open casket. The industry is just unnatural. When my father’s friend died suddenly, it just seemed too much on the family having everyone there. A couple years later when my dad had cancer, he was cremated and he didn’t want to have one. My mom bought like a plaque to remember him by and the urn is somewhere.
When I’m died, just throw me in the trash.
I was raised Catholic. Generally, we would have a wake/viewing and then a Mass for the funeral. The body was embalmed and the casket was open.
More recently, we’ve had “celebrations of life” where we reflect on the good times we had with the deceased. My more recent deceased relatives were cremated. When my cousin died her husband went to Europe and took her remains to places she had wanted to visit.
Grief in America is highly individualized is what I’m getting at. In the military I did 100 funeral honors ceremonies and all of them were a little different.
So, OP, how do all these compare to your traditional Chinese way of dealing with death?
In my family, most people are cremated and their ashes are spread somewhere they enjoyed. That’s it. There is nothing memorializing their death years later. We still talk about them, but the death date is pretty meaningless in my family.
I’m Jewish so we have very specific burial requirements. We have to be buried in a certain type of wooden coffin that will fully biodegrade so we can return our bodies to the Earth. The immediate family of the deceased sits shiva for seven days, there are rules about what you’re allowed to do during this period and for the next year.
You can absolutely have a Chinese funeral in the US, I’m sure it’s fairly common considering the large number of Chinese immigrants. I would look into Chinese funeral homes. If you want to follow your own traditions that’s extremely doable
It helps to be set up with a long-standing reputable funeral home in your area, maybe even have plots bought in advance at a local public cemetery. The funeral home can help you navigate what kind of service to have and how. For my family (when I still had some) it’s been cremation and then having a small private memorial service a few months later at either the funeral home or graveside (burying the urn). I honestly don’t know how people pull together having a funeral right away.
There is a huge range of customs. The last funeral I went to was just a “celebration of life.” The person had been cremated and then family and friends gathered at the funeral home. His family had a rotating set of pictures from through his life projected on a screen.
His family made some remarks. A couple friends made some short remarks. Then his brother gave a longer eulogy.
Afterwards we all enjoyed some food and mingled giving condolences to his family and talking amongst each other.
For me as a Catholic is a bit more of a thing. Usually family gets together the night before and has a wake. It’s a big gathering and the casket with the body is there. Drinks and food are there.
Then the next day there is a mass with holy communion (receiving the Eucharist). Part of the mass involves the eulogy which is normally given by a close family member but sometimes a friend. Then after the mass there is a procession to the graveyard where the person is to be buried. The priest comes as well and there is a specific funeral rite done.
There are a lot of commonalities and general trends but to be honest there isn’t “one specific way” to do death ceremonies in the US. There are so many cultures here that handle death differently, you can really make it what you want.
You can purchase a burial plot or multiple plots from a cemetery ahead of time especially if you want multiple people near each other. You can also purchase one after the death as well. Most are independent, even if they have a religious sounding name. Head stones are very customizable, you can get more western ones if you want to blend in, but you can really put whatever you want as long as it meets the cemetery guidelines. I’ve seen gravestones with images carved in, you can leave a photo of the person displayed, etc.
You can also do cremation, donate the bodies to science, some areas allow aquamation, human composting, natural burial, etc. though local laws really determine what’s available. Many places offer columbarium’s for cremated remains that you can visit without purchasing a plot, you just pay for a slot in the wall.
Funeral homes are often able to accommodate any type of service if you tell them what you’d like to have. I’m sure you wouldn’t be the first Chinese funeral for most businesses.
If you live near a big Chinese community there may also be a cemetery or other funerary services that cater to Chinese customs.
All in all, you can do whatever feels right.
Ask A Mortician on YouTube has a lot of videos on funeral services and customs around death, How to do a low cost funeral, different types of services, what services are unnecessary, etc.
My grandparents had pre-purchased their cemetery plot for their cremains, had a nice little memorial for each of them in their church. I visited and left flowers the last time I was in their state but it was 20 years ago.
My mom was cremated and we didn’t pick up her remains so they’re just wherever cremains go. We weren’t a religious family but we still had a weird little memorial at the church near the house. She worked at the hospital and her colleagues put on a memorial in the hospital chapel that was way more emotional and meaningful.
If my dad doesn’t get his shit together and make a plan he’s getting a weird little memorial too.
You are free to do whatever you want within the law. It’s not necessary to fit in for the sake of anyone else or society. Do what feels right and best for you and those you care about. As far as cemeteries, contact the ones you want to consider and see what their requirements and policies are. Be respectful of others when there. That’s it.
I just buried my father in March:
He was a Veteran/ military retiree. The wake had the usual calling hours, with an added non denominational religious service from the American Legion. Day of the Funeral, another prayer service by the Legion, followed by the Procession to the Cemetery.
At the cemetery, a very short service, with Flag Folding ceremony by the Air Force( he retired from the ANG) and a 21 gun salute by the Legion
Fun fact..he was the coordinator for organizing these for other veterans who passed away, so it was even more gut wrenching
As the eldest, I received both the flag and the spent shells. The flag has been placed in a display case and it is sitting next to my mom’s( also a military veteran. The shells have been engraved with his name and distributed amongst family members.
Afterwards, we went to his Legion, drank a few toasts in his name and I won $300 playing his favorite gambling machine. Whicwas exactly how much he had won the last time he was there( we think the night he actually passed. He wasn’t found until a couple of days later).
Every family has their own thing. It’s not even cultural to the extent of ‘ all Italian people do X’ or anything like that
It’s really so super varied, you can choose almost anything really. A mix of traditions, ceremonies or not as you choose, the options are nearly endless.
Most large cemeteries don’t require you to be a member of the church anymore in the US (Protestant ones at least) but it depends a ton on the church itself. And there are cemeteries that aren’t associated with churches at all. Some that are beside or behind a church might have started belonging to that church but might no longer belong to them.
My grandparents are in two different cemeteries – one with upright gravestones (my preference) and one with flat-to-the-ground ones. My parents own plots in the second one. They’re considering cremation instead of regular burial, but will probably be buried in a plot together even so, I don’t know that my sisters or I want their urns in the corner cabinet, you know? My aunt wants cremation and doesn’t care what’s done with her ashes, she suggests scattering them in one of her favorite locations to visit in the mountains, so if I’m still around and able when she passes (she’s only 12 years older than me) I’ll try to see that happen. I’ve told my family I don’t care what happens to my body, but I want an upright gravestone (preferably an old fashioned looking one) and they are to go place a chunk of dry ice at the base of it each Halloween before dusk. And if my cat has passed before me, his ashes are to be buried with me.
As for ceremonies, that also varies. I’m in the US South, so that’s where my experience is. The “full” thing I’m familiar with is a “viewing” and “receiving friends” at the funeral home the night before the funeral, where the coffin is set up surrounded by flowers that were sent and the family has a receiving line and people can drop by and express their condolences. I’ve seen this done with the urn from a cremation as well. Then the next morning usually is a funeral service at the funeral home or church, with a pastor speaking and people close to the deceased giving eulogies. Then after that, the casket is put in the hearse, followed by immediate family in limousines, and other family following behind in their cars (and escorted front and rear by police cruisers usually) for a procession by car to the cemetery. The hearse goes slow, and all in the procession turn their hazard lights on and follow slowly, but like any line if you’re last, you have to rush to keep up. Traditionally other drivers on the road pull to the side when they see this until the procession passes by, as a sign of respect. Then once at the gravesite, the casket is placed over the thing that lowers it down, the flowers are placed on and around it, and a small ceremony (usually under a tent) is held usually with close family and relatives. If the deceased was a military veteran, there will be military members there who fold the flag on the coffin and give it to a close member of the family, and there might be a rifle salute and someone playing Taps on a bugle. There’s usually some song or music involved both there and at the full funeral. The service ends and then the coffin is lowered down, and usually covered after the family has left in my experience.
But it could be any mix of things, or no ceremony at all. I have a cousin who passed suddenly who was in poor financial straights, and had direct cremation done. Her ashes were buried in a family plot, and at some point later on the family had a graveside service done all on our own to honor her. Someone brought a canopy, everyone brought lawn chairs, a cousin who is a professional singer led the service asking people to speak about the cousin who died, we sang some songs, a final prayer and we were done, and all went to dinner after. Simple and beautiful and free.
Food is also a big thing around deaths in the South of the US. Someone dies, and people come out of the woodwork bringing casseroles and deli trays and all sorts of food, and it’s common for funerals to be followed by a meal either out somewhere or provided by a church group. Food is the Southern love language.
My grandfather was cremated and we held a brief wake on his birthday, and set his urn next to his daughter, my aunt’s urn
I can only speak to recent times in a big city but I feel like respecting the wishes of the deceased is more popular. Not always do they want a traditional tombstone casket graveyard situation. I know someone who wanted their ashes spread at their favorite places in America.
Things are changing from what you may see in tv & movies. There used to be hard & fast rules about wearing black or at least dressing up. But when my little nephew was born but only lived for about 20 seconds, we had a kid appropriate funeral. It was 100*F at the graveside & my brother & SIL asked everyone to wear Superhero themed shirts and shorts or whatever was most comfortable for the heat
Rules for cemetery plots vary with depending on which cemetery it is. Most don’t or no longer have church affiliation. Most plots you see are either already reserved or bought & paid for, like you would any piece of land.
We honor the place where our loved ones are buried but most don’t worship or pray to ancestors. But there is such a melting pot in USA that there’s room for everyone’s individual funeral rituals & The funeral parlors who organize everything are trying really hard these days to honor the requests of the person that has passed or of the family.
But you’ll find pockets in some places with their own unique traditions like the “2nd Line” in New Orleans funerals.
So with all the differences that are becoming more accepted you should be able to find a place where you can fit in & bring your own special traditions to the proceedings.
We tend to cremate, have a small memorial and a late lunch where we tell stories about the deceased. That’s just my family
My parents have pre-paid at a funeral home and arranged their cremations. I’m thankful they are so organized, and when the time comes, I won’t have to think about it.
My family tends to do cremation but not exclusively.
One of my grandfathers had a viewing and then was cremated. His ashes were in the trunk of my dad’s car for years until he was eventually sprinkled in a forest. Viewing, Funeral and wake (gathering at home to remember the loved one).
His wife had a closed casket ceremony and was cremated. Her ashes went to one of my aunts. When the aunt died, she was cremated, and they were both sprinkled in the ocean. Funeral and wake.
My husband’s grandparents were all cremated. His father’s parents’ ashes were buried in a veteran’s cemetery. His mother’s parents’ ashes were mixed and sprinkled in their hometown lake. Funerals and wakes.
My other grandfather was cremated. My grandmother kept them, and when she died, the ashes were buried with her. He had a wake in the form of a picnic, and she had a banquet for a wake and a little gravestone unveiling ceremony where we played the music she wanted.
My husband’s father’s death was from an accident and obviously sudden. Also in a foreign country. So he was required to be cremated (which is probably what he would have wanted) and was sprinkled at his favorite non-national park natural wonder.
My husband jokes that he wants a pyramid to be buried under. In actuality, his wishes are like mine. Bury, cremate, aquamation, composting, whatever, just no embalming. Bury, sprinkle, inurn, an urn on the mantel, whatever is most comforting to the ones left.
I have picked out a few songs that I think would be appropriate for my funeral, memorial, or wake, and so have my parents. My dad wants a bagpipes at his grave or ceremony.
well, if it brings you peace to visit cemetaries, then that’s one of many places that you fit in! of course as others have pointed out, there are MANY different cultures and ways that Americans venerate their dead and their ancestors, but one big difference is that with a few exceptions, since most people have only been here for a handful of generations, you often won’t find a ton of places where people have ancestral burial plots that go back more than two generations.
OP, if you are interested in care for the dead, i highly recommend maybe reaching out to a mortician in your area, i know two people that have gotten into that particular line of work, and i personally believe it is a great and noble calling. Care for and veneration of the dead is something we do very differently in the US, as you have seen since being here (and welcome, im sure youve been here a while, but still) some people even from the same religion and from the same family, in fact, have “traditional” (traditional is definitely a blanket term across all facets of american life to mean Christian, as you mentioned people listen to a cleric, often a catholic priest or a protestant minister) burials, while their siblings may opt to be cremated, and even then some will choose to have the ashes put in an urn and kept that way, some will opt to have loved ones scarter the ashes after they pass, some of these will have permanent markers, and some will not. totally depends on where and who you are and what the preferences of the deceased were.
You fit in wherever you are, and however you grieve your ancestors or honor their memories is as american as we all are!
It really depends. Typically to be buried in a church cemetery you need to be a member of that faith not necessarily that particular church but there are other public cemeteries where they’ll bury anyone. Cremation is an option or you can do human composting in many states now. Is really up to what you want and finding a funeral home that provides the service.
Being a nation of immigrants, we have most world traditions here. That said, the standard response in the US is to call the coroner, who will verify time of death and sign the death certificate. Also the police if there’s a suspicion of foul play. Then there’s an autopsy if needed. Then the body goes to a funeral home to be embalmed. Depending on religion or family tradition there may be a viewing of the body for closure, or it may be an open casket funeral. The funeral will either take place at the funeral home, or at a church. Then the casket is transported to the cemetery in the funeral procession, ie a parade of cars following the hearse. The other common option is to be cremated, which is more or less handled the same way, but the body is burned instead of embalmed, and the service will just be at the funeral home or church. But even all of that is relatively new in the US, and you don’t have to go back very far to the era where everything was done in a family home and the body buried in a family plot on private property.
When my father died a few years back, the preparations all fell to me. The biggest priority for me was to honor my father’s wishes in terms of what he wanted. He wanted to be cremated and his ashes spread in a lake he grew up near.
In my family because we are Catholic it always goes death becomes imminent, priest is called, person dies, family accompanies body till mortuary can arrive, embalming, a rosary and wake is held the night before the funeral, the next day there is a funeral mass, family accompanies the casket to the cemetery, 6 of the younger men act as pallbearers, some sort of meal after, done. For those who are creamated things are basically the same, the urn is just interred instead of buried.
To my understanding of what “veneration of ancestors” means, Westerners don’t do anything like that. When we go to visit someone’s grave it’s usually because it’s the anniversary of their death or we miss them, and we just want to say “hi” and maybe tell them something we’d like them to know and maybe leave some flowers or something because they would like that. I think most people don’t actually believe that the decedent can hear you or that they can hear you better at their grave than they’d be able to somewhere else, but it’s where their remains are so you feel more of a connection to them there.
There are cemeteries that have Chinese sections oriented towards people that want to follow traditional beliefs, or traditions. They may also have sections for other groups, as well.
In the south people are supposed to bring food to your house when there is a death. No one brought me food when my mom died. I was disappointed.
Are you seeking advice for a particular situation, or just curious about the general practices?
You fit-in exactly like the rest of us “__– Americans,” ……………………….
in a chaotic, melting-pot sort-of-way.
You pick the way that makes you feel the most comfortable, that makes you and your family feel like you’re honoring the past and future.
Even in the past 20 years, my own ideas of a proper funeral, whether I would like to be cremated or buried, etc, have changed significantly.
When my father-in-law passed away, his ashes were divided by the mortuary into many little canisters. He and my mother-in-law have a big headstone in a cemetery with family members, and part of his ashes are buried there, part of his ashes were spread in the planting of a tree in their backyard, and each child was also given a portion. My husband keeps his in his nightstand.
The best part of being an American is choosing the best parts of the cultures in your life.
Try to grab the social security payment before the government gets to it first
For my grandparents we had a big celebration of life party and poured the ashes off their dock at their beach house. Lots of alcohol and cannabis consumed at the party.
For my dad we spread them around a tree and garden. We did have a church service for him, celebration of life type thing.
And for my dogs I buried them on the bank overlooking a river.
For me I’d like to be cremated and dumped in the ocean.
My wife’s dad is a pilot and takes people up to dump them from the air sometimes.
I’ve never been to a funeral where someone had a casket and was buried.
I think the classic Catholic funeral and burial is outdated, overpriced, and “falling out of fashion”. A lot of nonpracticing Catholics have either become more agnostic, atheistic, or even switched religions all together (Unitarian). This was directly caused by the way the church reacted to their sexual assault and pedophilia allegations. More people are choosing cremation due to burial costs being astronomically high. I personally like the way hunter s Thompson had his ashes shot out of a cannon by Johnny Depp. That’s the way I want to go! After donating my body to science/medicine, shoot my ashes out of a cannon!
We do not have a “set custom” persay.
You don’t fit in.
As America is so vast, full of variant, it is so wildly varied, you can’t fit in.
Regions, Families, Religions, Personal rituals, many things factor in. I’ve been to so many funerals and none were the same. You just take the lead of the family of the deceased and kind of follow along the service best you can.
As for the place, it depends.
Some cemeteries are private. Some public.
Do you have to belong or be active to a specific parish to use the church, cemetery, or pastoral staff? Not necessarily, in a lot of places, no.
As an Asian American person, we do mostly regular American stuff when it comes to funeral traditions – have a wake/memorial, head to the cemetery to bury the deceased, and then go to someone’s house or a banquet-style Chinese restaurant to eat a meal 😅
The only Asian tradition we do is annual commemoration of the deceased. It’s not unlike the Mexican Day of the Dead, except we have more than one day (in our family, we have one day for my mom’s family and one day for my dad’s family)
I used to tell people we have “death-iversaries”
Usually for the cemetaries you see near churches, those people have either belonged to the parish or they were subscribers to that religion’s faith (i.e. Catholics buried next to Catholic churches, Jews buried next to synagogues, etc.). Most of the time, you can usually choose to be buried pretty much anywhere, you just have to buy the plot.
Or, you can choose to not be buried and do something else. Be cremated, donate your body to science, etc. For example, I have already arranged and paid for some of my ashes to be sent into space (deep space, not coming back to Earth).
So you ask where you fit in; you fit in where you want to fit in. It’s your choice what to do with your own remains. So think about what would make you happy or content, make your intentions known to your loved ones and in your will, and run with it.
I’m not religious. I want to be cremated and my ashes spread somewhere out in nature. I don’t want anyone holding onto my body in any form. I don’t want my body to be buried in a casket and I don’t want my ashes to end up stuck in an urn in a closet or on a mantle.
My grandparents are buried in standard cemeteries. I think my dad wants to be too; pretty sure he has a plot already. Not sure about my mom. I don’t want to pay for anyone’s funeral so I hope they have money saved up for them.
What specifically are you wondering about?
Generally, you should wear black to a funeral. There’s no paper-folding or -burning, and there’s probably no incense, unless it’s a Catholic service. You also won’t receive anything from the family; things like red string or candy aren’t part of Western tradition. And there’s no banquet after the service. The family might invite you back to their house and put out some food, but it’s nothing like a full Chinese banquet.
It sounds like you already have a lot of information on what happens here in the US, but typically you’re either buried or cremated.
If you’re buried, you’re buried in a graveyard that is owned by a church or a private company. Some churches will let you be buried in their graveyard if you’re not a member, others won’t. Some families have church and graveside services in addition to the burial or cremation, others don’t. Some people regularly go to see their family member at the graveyard, others don’t. There’s no real formal thing you should do or say when you’re visiting someone’s grave in America, although it is considered good manners not to run around laughing or being boisterous. Some people will leave small gifts at their family member’s grave, like a teddy bear. Flowers are very common.
If you’re cremated, you can bury the ashes or put them in a masoleum similar to a graveyard. A lot of people keep the ashes and display them in their home or scatter them somewhere special. You can have a ceremony with this as well if you want.
All in all, I’d say that there’s a wide range of socially acceptable behavior and customs here for death and what happens is largely dictated by family preference.
Where I live most of the cemeteries are municipal ones, maintained by a city or county government.
My mother is mixed-race, and her family is from Louisiana. They “keep the watch,” which means at least two at a time stay with the body from death until burial. They will stay up, tell stories about the person, drink coffee. It is very important to them that the newly deceased be surrounded by family during this most vulnerable time. After, they visit the graves periodically, to talk to the gravestones and remember.
Do whatever feels best for you and brings you the most peace. For something as personal as grieving, there is no such thing as a standard to fit into.
>I am just wondering how do I fit in.
The nice thing about the US in this regard is that there are so many variations that you can “fit in” anywhere or any way that you want.
Most people in my family choose to be cremated. Then we scatter the ashes in an appropriate place. My mom passed away and her ashes will be divided between a top of a mountain and the ocean. Her sisters wanted a place to “visit” her, so we had a tree planted in her honor at a local park. Now we can picnic in the park near her tree.
My husband’s family does funeral services either in church or graveside, with cemetery burials. People make regular visits to the cemeteries.
Cremation has become much more common. Along with that, it’s more common to scatter ashes in parks and wilderness and bodies of water. The last several deaths in my family, all four were cremated. Only one of them had their ashes interred at a cemetery- the rest were scattered in water.
Not everyone has a formal funeral service. It is very personal and individualized now for many people. Music selections of favorite songs of the deceased, not just religious music.
The cemeteries near me are not affiliated with specific churches or even next to one. There are sometimes areas of a cemetery for specific faiths. You have to buy a burial plot, and sometimes elderly people buy plots in advance.
Military veterans can get headstones from the Veterans Administration, and Boy Scouts decorate their graves on Memorial Day.
Funeral homes are notorious for trying to upsell survivors on expensive caskets and other add ons for the deceased. It can be very expensive to bury a loved one. My parents paid for their cremations in advance through the Neptune Society, and I’m grateful they did. When the died, the hospital contacted Neptune, which showed up and took their bodies right away. I just went to a Neptune office to pick up the ashes a couple weeks later.
Most of my family has been cremated and placed in a cemetery for veterans. Rather than full funerals, we tend to have family gatherings in someone’s house. My mom wants to be cremated and her ashes spread in the Rocky Mountains. She wants us to have a party, blasting classic rock and telling stupid stories about her. I want the same.we want to celebrate the life lost rather than mourning the death. My sister wants pretty much the same, but for everyone to dress up like pirates so wherever she is, she can laugh at how ridiculous we all look.
I can only speak for my own family because there is no one custom in the United States since we are a culmination of so many cultures, but since my family is from Ireland (1 generation back), Cremation is becoming more popular and my husband and I will go that way when we die. We had big get togethers for a day or two before burial called a wake. You tell stories, the body is laid out or the urn is out, and it’s fun and a celebration of the person’s life. Then you have a Mass for the dead, and then a graveside burial or the ashes are interred. I will be interred in a Catholic Columbarium. But there are options for every belief system and options for more modern burials- scattering ashes, being buried in a pod where a tree will grow over you, and even freezing. After the funeral, our family holds a lunch for final respects to be paid.
>I am just wondering how do I fit in.
However you want to. You are just as American as I (a white guy born in Kentucky) am. It’s different for everyone and every family.
I’m a Southerner, and a Catholic.
Typically, we have a funeral Mass, where the body is either cremated (and inurned, per Canon Law, you may be cremated, but not scattered, I guess the logic is you must be in one place for the Resurrection…instant Catholic, just add holy water? I dunno), or has been embalmed and is now in a closed casket covered by a simple pall.
The night before the funeral, there is visitation, and a Rosary, and a wake. Visitation and the Rosary are at the church. The wake is usually held at the home of the deceased, and you bring food, and drink, and remember the dead.
After the funeral, and the procession to the cemetery for burial rites, there is, as is Southern custom, a funeral repast, which means the church ladies put together a luncheon. You sit and eat too much, and the family of the deceased takes home the leftovers. You talk about the deceased, and the good times, much like the wake but with less alcohol.
I’ve noticed the Protestant sects here do much the same, but the day before is visitation, not a wake, because they tend to frown on alcohol more than we do, and after the funeral and burial they have the funeral repast. The biggest similarity is the repast.
People in my Southern California area wear dark or sober colors to a funeral, but black is not a requirement. And cemeteries are not always associated with a church. There are traditionally community cemeteries as well, and these tend to be non-sectarian, and are open to non-christians as well as Christians. These days, they tend to have niches for cremains along with whole-body burials. It seems to me that the sectarian cemeteries are either Roman Catholic (and often but not always associated with a parish) or Jewish.
Finally, an interesting question!
The traditions people have surrounding death are many, and in the US we make every effort to honor the traditions of the deceased and their families. There are professionals called “funeral directors” whose job it is to understand the those traditions and make it so that they are honored. There are so many people of recent Chinese ancestry in the USA, most funeral directors will have some knowledge and experience in Chinese funerary practices and can help see that they are followed. In some areas, there may be so many Chinese people that you’ll even find a funeral home that specializes in that (I just did a Google search and found a few within a 20 minute drive of where I am right now; near a large city).
Typically what you would do is contact a funeral home / mortuary when a loved-one dies. Let them know what you are looking for with regard to honoring the deceased, and try to make arrangements. They will know all the options – graveyards in the area, etc. Some graveyards are owned by churches, some by towns, … they have all the information about everything in the area. They don’t typically create grave markers, but they can direct you to companies that do, and they will work with you to make something you like (some graveyards might have rules limiting the size and weight of markers). These businesses typically try very hard to meet your needs to the extent that they are capable of.
I’ve been to all sorts of funerals over the years, and they’ve been very different. Irish wake, Greek orthodox, Jewish, Indian, Ghanian… Everyone handles honoring the deceased differently.
Most funeral homes and cemeteries in the U.S. are owned by large corporations. Even many of the ones with family names are owned by a corporation, and managed by the family. That’s why in modern cemeteries, you’ll see only flat headstones, that lay level with the ground. This allows the lawn mowing tractors to pass over them. So what you see is the highly corporate, depersonalized end of the funeral practice.
Funeral practices vary widely depending on the decedant’s culture, religion, and personal preference. Although the Catholic Church does allow for cremation, many Catholics still prefer a burial in consecrated ground, so they would choose a Catholic cemetery and have a Mass said in church. A military veteran or public servant like a firefighter or police officer would usually have an honor guard assisting with the ceremony. In many American cities in the early 20th century, both firefighting and police work were dominated by Irish and Scottish immigrants, so bagpipes are traditional. In New Orleans creole culture, a festive parade with a jazz band is traditional. (This is one of my favorite traditions.)
Cremation is popular because it is inexpensive, and allows for multiple people to take custody of remains. So every one in the family can do what feels best for them.
Some cemeteries are associated with Churches, but from my experience most aren’t. I feel like every family has their own customs for funerals. For mine, my family usually goes for cremation then either burial or get scattered. But we also hold a memorial party after they die to celebrate the persons life. There is food, drinks, and telling stories about the recently deceased.
If you go into those cemeteries, you’ll also see the headstones are in various states of care. Some plots are meticulously kept up, while others obviously have not had anyone looking after them for a long time. There are general religious and cultural guidelines, but actual customs can vary widely depending upon the people involved with the procedures.
You don’t have to belong to a particular parish usually except for cemeteries specifically attached to a certain church, like my town has several cemeteries that are for anyone who can afford a plot.
We have one that’s considered “Catholic” by many but I personally know of Baptists buried there somewhat recently.
We also have one that’s considered “Jewish” no idea of what the difference is and it’s literally next door to the Catholic one (separated by a fence).
My grandpa was Catholic and buried in a general use cemetery in the veterans section and the cemetery was selected to be close to my where my grandma lived which was around an hour from their home church.
There’s also something called a “Potter’s Field” where indigent people are buried very plainly (no actual headstone etc) or cremated.
And the US is huge with a wide variety of burial customs from somber religious ceremonies, to basically celebrations of life
The answer to that question is going to be extremely regional, even within state lines or even geographical sections of the state. For example, NC has Appalachian customs, Tidewater (swamp) customs, and the micro-cultures of the Sounds and Outer Banks. And that’s not even including the Piedmont, which stretches through VA and SC as well. ETA; And I haven’t even touched the Indigenous populations and their unique customs, of which we have the largest east of the Mississippi.
If you ask three or four different people from those three or four different regions this question, you will get three or four different answers based on a whole host of factors- like when and how their ancestors got here, where they were from, and who they married when they got here.
There are many different ways that people do funerals in America. There is no one standard way to do it.
Some people are buried in cemeteries. Some cemeteries belong to churches, some are businesses where burial plots are sold.
Some people are cremated and their ashes buried or scattered by their loved ones.
You generally have to belong to a church for a church funeral, but funeral homes have chapels that can be used for a funeral, irregardless of a church membership.
One thing with a multi-cultural society is that there are very, very few rules around what to do when someone dies. It can be a little messy.
Some religious and ethnic subcultures have their own guidelines (for example: I would bet that many (but not all!) first and second generation Chinese Americans follow Chinese traditions). Some people have family traditions over who does what, when, and how. Some people plan their own funerals and leave their family/friends with detailed instructions over everything that should happen when they die. And then some families just try to figure it out and put something together based on what they’ve seen in real life, in media, and what feels “respectful” to as many people as possible at that moment.
For your specific question about cemeteries at churches? It depends, but yes, the deceased person usually has to have had some connection to the church or parish before they died (also, not all churches have cemeteries)
it just depends on you. all people have some sort of origin, even now when its so muddied with migration and whatnot.
traditions sometimes change with that process. my ancestral backgrounds are finnish, starting with my great grandparents. i was born here in the US, so my family has gone with standard US practices starting in the 1800s/1900s. with being born in china, and raised in the US, it will be a little different for you, because you have more ties to china, background wise, than you do here. at some point in the chain, your family, kids, grand kids, great grand kids, will eventually evolve to what the norm is for the region, i would expect. its really going to come down to how much of chinese tradition gets passed down, but usually, it fades over time.
as far as how you fit in, its really whatever you want to do. do you want to hold chinese tradition, do you plan on passing it down to your kids, and even further? if you dont plan on passing it down, then it probably doesnt matter which road you take, because whatever you do will just affect you, and probably go no further.
Well first of all…we don’t wear all black. That’s specific to religion and class. Its more of a movie trope now. Most Christians do not wear black and you might even be questioned as to why you are wearing black if you do. We wear color and celebrate their life.
Visiting a grave is a personal choice not s requirement. Asian cultures are more superstitious than western culture and so we don’t have requirements for visiting the dead. For westerners it’s about grief and self healing.
For the most part we just do a funeral and grieve before getting on with our life. We don’t have the luxury of dragging it out. People get annoyed with you, your work gets annoyed with you. You will suffer even more.
Western culture if all about suck it up butter cup.
I’ve had 5 family members die in the last decade. It’s opened my eyes to how unnecessarily showy it all is for corporate greed.
My grandma did it the right way. She planned and paid for everything in advance. No headstone. no plot. No funeral that forces family who don’t like each other to rub elbows. Just dead, cremation, ashes dumped at sea.
A lot (most?) of the churches you see with cemeteries next to them are Protestant rather than Catholic, so “parish” is irrelevant. The church may have a policy about who can be buried there or it could be a “community cemetery” that predates the church. It could also be a “family plot” inside a church cemetery.
When my dad was dying we had options of a plot in a public cemetery (paid for, an aunt had given my dad the deed years earlier), a plot in another public but mostly abandoned cemetery ( family plot, my mom’s side, no one else left to claim it), or a spot in a cemetery at a church he was never a member of. He chose the church cemetery, they were willing to sell him a spot but I had 4 spaces there already that had been given to me so I gave him two of mine.
The best thing you can do to prepare is to talk to a funeral director and make whatever arrangements you want. They’ll handle all the details, from reporting to the newspapers to having whatever kind of funeral you want (within the law), to burial or cremation. For dealing with inherited property, talk to a lawyer. You can usually get a will for a few hundred dollars, and that will spell out what you want done with your property when you die.
As a general rule, a churchyard cemetery will only be available for members of that church, and some require you to be a member of a particular religion, but most public cemeteries are open to anyone. If you’re cremated, then you’ll want to choose someone you trust and tell them what to do with your remains.
My family and all of my friends do cremation and an informal memorial where we sit in a circle and take turns talking about our loved one. There isn’t really a standard “western” way.
My father just passed away. Cancer.
We thought he had more time, he was literally landscaping a couple days before then his lungs stopped working right.
The towns around here own the cemeteries (at least some of them). The funeral homes also have services to help you. Some churches own cemeteries as well, and I know at least one person who owns a cemetery (it came with his house).
So lots of options available.
There are a lot of different ceremonies and beliefs regarding death in the US. You arrange what you would like for yourself or your deceased family member. As long as it doesn’t break any laws then you can do it.
Not all cemeteries have a connection to a church. For many you can just purchase a plot. My parents bought a plot in a cemetery for themselves when I was young. When my mom died she was buried there. When my dad dies he can be buried there too. People might visit the graves of their loved ones. I don’t find that comforting. To me my mom is not there. I don’t go there.
When I was a kid it was our custom to visit all of the graves of our family in the area for Memorial day. We would clean the graves and place flowers. We would drive to 3-4 cemeteries. My parents would tell us about our family as we did it.
My parents were cremated and their remains installed in what is called a columbarium according to their wishes. I have never seen this because it is located in their hometown across the country and I have no reason to visit there now that they are gone. In my state, we have human composting and that is what I have chosen for my final wishes.
Huge range. Here’s an example:
Two of my grandparents passed – they were long time members of a Southern Baptist Church. The turnout and ceremonies were huge. The family stood in a line ahead of the casket and everyone came in, walked down the line, shook hands/hugged, shared condolences, etc. Then the pastor of the church gave a sermon and eulogy, then one of the family members spoke as well. Probably sang 3-4 hymns too.
For my grandfather’s funeral (he was a Korean war veteran) they did a flag folding and presentation, plus a lone bagpiper playing amazing grace.
Then we had the potluck (because it’s not a funeral without food in South Alabama.)
On the other hand, my wife’s mother passed at 60 in 2015. Hospice came and got her, took her to…idk, the coroner? And mailed us an urn with her ashes a little while later. No ceremony, no burial, no nothing (which is pretty much how she wanted it.)
When my dad died the funeral home director helped us with basically everything. We chose the funeral home because it was in our town and had been to wakes there before. He helped us write the obituary, decide if and when we wanted viewings, what church to coordinate with for a service, and what cemetery to bury my dad in. I’m not sure if all funeral homes provide that kind of help, but that’s where I’d recommend starting!
I go to the cemetery weekly to visit my grandparents’ headstones. We are Hispanic. To the right of them is a headstone with a Chinese name. Above them is a person of Indian descent. To the left of them are headstones with Vietnamese, Korean, and Armenian names. And to the bottom of them is a headstone with Japanese and what I’m assuming is an African name of which I don’t know the origin of. They were all Americans at one point, but I’m sure they all approached death differently. Point is, it really depends on individual to individual. The “general” American approach, which I guess stems from the European Americans who have been here for generations, is similar to what you’ve described. And as generations pass and Americans gradually lose the customs and cultural influence of their origin country, you’ll find them gravitating more towards the “general” approach. But even then, it really depends
That’s a big topic with a ton of variations but one thing to note (for the US) is a lot of funerals aren’t done at churches and many people are buried in public Cemetery. Most churches don’t have attached graveyards Even religious people…my dad was a pastor. The only thing we had at the church for both his & my brother’s funeral was a buffet after the funeral.
many of us don’t visit the grave regularly afterwards…we also don’t tend to acknowledge death anniversaries with ceremonies etc or really at all except talking to each other.
But it varies even within the same family…my grandad’s service was at a funeral home but his wife my grandma was at their church…my siblings and I don’t really mention dad’s death anniversary but we try to call mom around the day with happy stuff (or I do). But my SIL had a celebrate Joe day(not his name) & invited everyone to her church for food games and stuff to remember him by (I came home with a Hawaiian shirt from when he was in coast guard in 80s/90s & a flashlight from his collection) last month because his death anniversary was on a Saturday
Grief is weird…people grieve differently and that’s ok.
I’ve also never intentionally gone to visit my family’s grave/gravestones. Some people get comfort from spending time there or even talking to their loved ones. And that’s fine.
Grief is different for all & for some it’s private and for some it’s public and for some it varies.
This will vary by family.
When my mom died, we had her cremated, and we scattered her ashes. We had a funeral service, but we don’t have a gravesite to visit. We did place an obituary in the paper. There was no wealth to transfer or anything like that.
If it’s cold enough, I’m planning on leaving my husband in the backyard for a while. Am definitely following older mourning customs that surround the body not being whisked off in a van right after he’s passed.
All I can say right here is that back when my parents were 85 and 75, and arrangements were still hazy, I recognized that as the oldest son I really ought to step up.
I contacted several local funeral homes. Most would give me no information by phone or email; they wanted to get me in their office for a high pressure sales pitch. But one here answered all my questions and sent me a price list with full particulars. Guess where I ended up making an appointment.
I’m glad that I did. Dad passed very suddenly, as in he was dressed to take his dog for a walk, this past January at age 92. With basic arrangements already made, it was just a matter of a few phone calls to set things in motion. At Dad’s request we opted for cremation…but a “traditional cremation,” with a casket, embalming, viewing, and traditional funeral service at his church prior to cremation and eventual inurnment at our local veteran’s cemetery (he served in Korea).
The cemetery behind my church is a private cemetery, to be buried there you have to purchase a burial plot. The state can’t come in and say this unknown person died and needs to be buried here.
It’s totally up to you, there’s no true standard.
My family is not religious and are very casual about death (it’s not scary, love long enough and it’s a welcome conclusion to a life well lived. No afterlife, maybe you left a legacy, certainly you left an impression within the family that will be remembered a couple generations at least).
Funerals in my family have included burial in a cemetery (secular, you pay for a family plot), cremation then burying ashes, or cremation then scattering ashes in a preferred place (ocean, river, mountain top…). Some included church service before going to the cemetery, but the cremations did not. Small gathering, share memories, toss ashes, cry and laugh. Some of our funniest family memories are from funerals, oddly enough.
Most are remembered on birthdays or death anniversaries. We share stories, maybe have a family dinner to support those closest to the departed. Visiting graves is less common, anecdotally I’d say the Catholic side of my family does more of that. For those cremated, you feel them and remember any time you’re in a similar natural environment.
Do whatever makes you happy. I mean as happy as a dead person can be.
Hubby and I are getting cremated. No sad funeral. A nice open bar with a nice buffet spread with all of our friends telling stories and laughing and being together. So basically an Irish week, even though neither one of us are Irish.
There’s a county cemetery that the 4 original families to establish that county cash be buried for free on my dad’s side. I could be buried in the middle of cow pasture down miles of red dirt road.
It depends.
My mom’s side prefers burial. My mom prefers we turn her into a decorative colored glass ball. I’ve got each child.
Here’s what happens in my family. The day after someone dies, you go to the funeral home and arrange things. The dead person is either embalmed or cremated. The next day is the viewing or wake. We call it a viewing and it’s usually from 6-9pm. It’s at the funeral home.
The next morning is the funeral. Usually a minister or pastor spends a half hour talking about religion and 2 minutes talking about the dead person. Songs are played and there may be some sort of short military or Masonic ritual. After the funeral there is the internment service that either takes place at the burial site or at a chapel at the cemetery. This is usually dependent on weather. My family members tend to die in the winter so I haven’t been to a grave side ceremony in years. The minister/pastor/funeral director speaks and then everyone leaves to go to a lunch. Some call it a repast. Generally this is for family and close friends. There is absolutely no alcohol at this event. Probably for some Protestant reason. I don’t know why exactly. People talk and catch up with people they haven’t seen in a while. After lunch people disperse. In my experience this is when the immediate family deals with any plants from the funeral. Sometimes there are none, sometimes there are two van loads.
Depending on how expected/unexpected the death is, the family will order the grave marker a few months/years later. This may vary in other families. We wait for the ground to settle first. Sometimes fund raising needs to be done first.
A few people in our family are donating our remains to a medical school. When they’re done studying it, they cremate and then return the ashes to whomever is designated in the paperwork.
> I see cemeteries near churches. Do you have to belong to the parish?
To be buried there? I don’t think so.
> Even when westerners visit the dead at the grave, they treat the dead completely differently from how my Chinese relatives treat them. In Chinese, it’s called 扫墓 and it is part of what westerners call ‘ancestral veneration’. The western and Chinese gravestones also look different. I am just wondering how do I fit in.
Could you be a bit more specific in ways the customs differ, in your estimation?
We typically visit, maybe chat with the person a bit, maybe pray, maybe just stand silently (thinking of them or lost in thought), and often leave some flowers or other token at the gravesite. In Jewish tradition they leave a stone or pebble of some type. Other people might leave flowers, or some remembrance — such as for a child maybe a small toy.
Cemeteries might have regulations on what can be left, due to the grass needing to be safely mowed. Items left on the grass might fly up (if mowed over), and harm the caretaker.
Florists and cemeteries can sometimes offer services such as a blanket or wreath on the grave as well. Some cemeteries or marker manufacturers might offer a hook from which a plant can be hung. Other times it’s a vase near the marker.
There are many religions here, and how a person mourns can vary by family tradition, or by personality also.
There are city, military, church, and private cemeteries. Funerals and obituaries are not required. Religion is not required. Burial is not required if the body is cremated. Bodies are generally delivered to funeral homes, who arrange burial or cremation according to the deceased’s written plans or the family’s wishes.
My family usually has a Doaist come to the family grave site to perform the ritual in the US. Cash burning, fengshui the urn placement in the grave.
Grave stones are more horizontal than vertical like they are in Asia. Markers have both Chinese and English on them.
I wonder if the Chinese tradition is more in keeping with the Mexican tradition of the “Day of the Dead.” It’s more a modern tradition of honoring ancestors. That is why you see skeletons in traditional costumes. We have such a large Mexican/Hispanic demographic in the US it is still carried on with festivals. I’m in TX and the tradition is celebrated quite a bit. Around the country it has been translated in US culture as “Halloween.”
My daughter was assigned to Mexico during her career and brought back a plaster statuette of a woman skeleton in traditional costume, 28″ high? I didn’t know what to say … until she explained it in depth; the obvious is not obvious at all. 😉
We also have Jews who have married into our extended family, from observant to casual. Tradition is more obvious when a loved one passes … sort of return to tradition?
We know ours is an unusual family … we have Chinese who have married into the family. One of my daughters speaks fluent Mandarin (her job) and was assigned to China for five years. We got to visit her during that time frame. Wonderful visit … so impressed, gracious people.
You kind of have to assess what culture this melting pot of people translates to. We’re a big country; we’re different, all over. If you were to visit the west coast San Francisco/LA, Seattle, Portland, you have a vibrant Asian culture.
We’re all a mix. My husband and I are both old veterans. We’ve both made the decision (and wills) to be buried at National Cemeteries to focus on our service; that’s the only thing we want. There won’t be a funeral … honestly, most our close friends are gone. The only people that matter are our surviving kids. We’ve made wills and arrangements.
I hope you’re comfortable here. Do whatever satisfies your culture and mindset. 😉
Do what feels right to you, the dead don’t care.
I’m the assistant superintendent, head gravedigger, and do burial services at a large cemetery. I have worked with many kinds of ethnicities, including Chinese. Where i work, you do not need to be a member of any church. All are welcome. I see people mourning in many different ways or traditions.
I’m open to any questions.
My father is a veteran of the Vietnam war and wants a military burial. Because he served, the cost of the burial is minimal for both himself and my mother. They will do that.
I will likely never visit their graves. I don’t see a point. They aren’t there.
I want to be either composted or turned into a tree. My husband doesn’t care, so he’ll be a tree. My brother wants whatever is cheapest. We inherited a cemetery plot from my grandmother so I’ll probably put him there.
There are many cemeteries not attached to any church, or particular faith.
Every family is different. My family are atheist, so we have no particular religious customs. Once the person has died, the body is just a corpse to be disposed of. The person no longer exists in any way except memory.
Most of my family has opted for cremation because its cheaper faster and easier disposal than burial plot and ceremony.
Usually we have a big family dinner to remember the departed at whatever date the entire family is available. Thats pretty much the extent of ceremony.
Obviously there’s the occasional exception. One of my grandmothers was a Lutheran, so she had wanted and got a Lutheran funeral and burial.
And I’d imagine most other families have their own traditions here.
I really like the less traditional postmortem routes that are becoming more common like terramation and aquamation. Traditional funerals and burials are such an enormous expense and waste of resources IMHO.