TL;DR: MIL trying to ruin my daughters birthday plans again. Took steps to avoid it, but husband sent a text that makes me think shes trying to get him to change the plans to pick them up and drive them. No one has said anything to me.
My baby’s 2nd birthday is this weekend and I am so stressed about the logistics of it. I posted last month or so and everything I feared/tried to avoid is coming true. I mentioned wanting dinner at my parents house, but there are some renovations that havent been finished. In laws are very judgemental and after all the disrespect MIL dishes towards mt family already, no one feels comfortable having her over with the house in this state. I made reservations for all of us at a restaurant. I made sure the restaurant was easy for my in laws to get to, and closer to them. I didnt want any excuses. Instead of the theme park, we are taking my daughter to the local zoo in the morning before the dinner. I sent the invitation with clear instructions to RSVP for the zoo by a certain date so we can make a plan for the day. I figured they would both not want to go to the zoo, and just meet us at the restaurant but they insisted theyd be at the zoo too. OK that is great, and my daughter will love having them there. I gave them the address and told them the best way to get there. FIL said he would be comfortable driving.
Now I am piecing together that she is trying to talk my husband into driving them to the zoo and around all day. He’s at work but told me he is going to clean the car tonight so “everyone” can fit on sunday. He hasnt answered my question yet about what that meant. Here’s a million reasons why that DOESN’T work for us:
The zoo is closer to my parents, and about an hour and a half away from in laws. If we are taking them in our car, we have to take the babys carseat out to fit them both, and baby would have to use the carseat in my moms car.
If we stay home the night before babys birthday: my mom would have to either stay over too with my family’s only car, or drive 3 hours round trip to pick baby up for the zoo morning of her birthday.
If we stay at my parents the night before babys birthday: my husband will have to do the 3 hour round trip, instead of spending as much of the day with our daughter as possible. I think this is what his parents expect us to do. Our AC is broken in the car and I can hear his parents complaining already. Plus when we go to pick up the cake or if there is time between the end of the zoo, and the restaurant, they will be stuck with us instead of being able to shop or even go home between.
There is the option of splitting up but I dont want him to miss birthday morning over this.
I need help bringing this up and dont know how to approach it….I want to find out from my husband what they’ve said to him and are trying to do. But I also need MIL to see that I am not going to let her try to change a situation ans go behind my back to get my husband to change his mind too. Last I talked to FIL he was comfortable driving them both in his own car, so this reeks of MILManipulation. How do I shut her down?
Ps. My husbands going to get a stern talking to for even entertaining the idea by saying the thing about cleaning the car. I know I have a husband problem and we are working on it. I know he just wants the day to go as smoothly as possible but thats the kind of stuff MIL feeds on.
H e l p! And thank you for reading
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The way I would be filling the car with stuff – “oh I told my mum I’d bring this huge kitchen equipment for her to borrow, it’ll have to go in the back because the boot is going to be full of everything LO will need. Oh my parents said to make sure I leave space in the car for all of LOs huge presents too!” I’m petty though.
The mature thing is to talk to your husband and make it clear its your LOs day and you two and LO are going to be spending the day together. If his parents want to join best they figure it out themselves!
This is more a husband problem than a MIL problem. Tell him the day is about his daughter and if his parents require him to drive around all over the place, they are no longer welcome in your plans and you’ll plan something to celebrate LO with them at an alternative time!
“Hey just wanted to confirm this (proceed to explain your version of how birthday day will go) is still the plan for the birthday zoo and dinner.
If he says “but fil changed his mind and isn’t comfortable driving anymore” then MIL/FIL miss out because you are not a taxi for them.
“How does it make sense to spend 3 hours of baby’s birthday driving your parents around? If they don’t want to drive, we’ll celebrate with them another time. This plans feels less like it’s a fun day celebrating baby and more like a day to focus on your parents”
“I will not be ruining OUR child’s birthday for your mothers need for control. They can pick another day to throw demands and requests around, you will be putting our child first for at least their birthday. Wake up DH”
“When you said you were gonna clean the car out so everyone can fit who exactly is everyone. The the way I planned it out everyone (including my parents, and your parents) are meeting us at the zoo so it should just be me you and baby in the car. I’m not entertaining the idea of giving anyone rides and adding a three hour round trip to the zoo. The logistics just do not make sense. So what I’m wondering is if you and your mother-in-law decided to change plans on me. If you did, why because I find that very disrespectful. I also don’t plan on spending baby‘s birthday crowded in the car for three hours. If your parents can’t drive themselves to the zoo, then they’re not going.”
If it’s more important to him to drive his mommy around than to make sure baby has a fun birthday, then I would take her to your parents’ house the night before and tell him you’ll meet them at the zoo.
Stick to your original plan, with or without your spineless husband. If he wants to put his mother ahead of his wife and daughter then it’s his problem to deal with, not yours! Let him miss half his baby’s B-day because his mother is selfish and manipulative.
If he will talk to you about it ahead of time (he should) I think it’s very reasonable for you to say no, that makes no sense and is hard on Our child whose birthday it is. And if he springs it on you? I’d be prepared – as in give your parents a heads up – to cancel. Physically do not get in the car. Because doing that to you, meaning avoiding the topic until he figures you won’t have time or the ability to say no – is akin to deceit, manipulation, and him allying himself with others against you. I know that sounds dramatic, but you aren’t the one acting like a jerk about a two year old’s birthday.
Look him in the eye and tell him that he better not be thinking of being a taxi on your daughters birthday. End of. Dont pussyfoot around it or try to be diplomatic. Ye are a partnership, it should be easy to talk to him.