I (f26) became anorexic when I was 18. I’m 5’8 and was 100lb at my lowest (think all spine and ribs and thigh gaps). Over the 8 years, there’s been plenty of times where I wanted to gain weight but legitimately couldnt.
Now that I’m living on my own and make a good living, I was excited to gain weight. Which I have.
I don’t have a scale but I’m definitely the biggest I’ve ever been since 18. I went from a 24 inch waist (22 at my lowest) to most likely 30. I’ve had moments where I panic while looking in the mirror but then reassure myself that if I go to the gym again while eating the way I am I’ll be healthy and happier.
But now, I’m starting to get the high again from skipping meals and seeing how little I can consume in a day.
It’s like a literal high. If I was disciplined enough to go to the gym this most likely wouldn’t be an issue. Anyways. That’s all.
Comments
I totally feel you there. Some days I am so proud of myself for eating and getting calories in… but some days it feels so good to sort of float on the other feeling
I kinda feel yeah. 6′ 2″ male at 125 lowest. 135 now.
I don’t have anorexia, I think. I just don’t really have an appetite or drive for food.
What seems to help keep weight on or put on some more are eating snacks when anxious and drinking milk in random intervals. Also sauced up foods.
See if those can help 🙂
I struggled with anorexia in high school and I feel those thoughts creep in all the time. It’s a daily struggle. Just wanted to share that you’re not alone.
ED sucks and those that never had it will never understand how we fall into a place that literally what we need to keep us alive is also what’s taxing us mentally (food). I hope you can get better, I’m at my lowest currently and unbelievably so, I’m not anorexic since my blood tests came clear but I’m trying to gain some more muscle by going to the gym when I feel like it… eating is hard but I realized drinking juice and eating açai (it’s like a ice cream mixed with guarana that has a lot of calories for a small portion) is what’s making me get my calorie intake :’)
Before responding, u/Radablagh, I glanced at your post and comment history. I read the beautifully written comment/reply you gave to someone dealing with lust, where you stunningly detailed your spiritual awakening and relationship with God. I myself am a recovering alcoholic and addict whose spiritual experience strongly resembles yours. It was also at the bottom and also tried what I’d never done before. Surprise: It worked. But yes, it then kinda got worse. But also like you, I learned through that to rely on God and not external things.
For me, living a spiritual life is really the only life worth living. But it is a constant, ever-changing work in progress. Right now, in many ways, your life has never been better. So, not surprisingly, your disease has come knocking. There is a saying in AA that while we’re sober, our disease is doing push-ups, waiting. I think that’s true. It may be true for anorexia as well; I’m not sure. But either way, you know you are at risk. Hence today’s post.
When I first read your post, I was going to reply, “Can you please get help?” Then I looked over your comment history and was reminded of a conversation I had with a close friend years ago who is also sober. At the time, my life had also gotten incredibly good.
Then something happened professionally that didn’t seem fair. I was angry, bitter, and thrown off balance. I called my friend and spilled my guts. I expected him to give me some real world practical advice. Instead, after my sob and rant, he quietly said, “Perhaps this is an opportunity to grow closer to your Creator.” Yes, it was.
its tough to feel this way. recovery is not linear and relapses happen. try focusing on what makes you happy instad of the scale
crohn’s sufferer. I get it. I feel so much better when I fast, don’t give a fuck if I lose 10lbs in a week. I FUCKING HATE IT AND I FUCKING LOVE IT. I’m on a fight for my life it seems, every single fucking day. You aren’t alone. Thank you for putting it out there. also love the praise I get for having “control” when it’s obvious I am so very out of control. Fuck society.
Obviously your relationship with food and your body image is problematic to say the least. I don’t know if you really want to wrestle this dragon on your own. Perhaps you should seek support from a health mental health professional that specializes in eating disorders and body dysmorphia and I’m sure there’s something like a 12-step type group of people with like experience who can help you. I don’t think you’re just going to grit your teeth and get through this and the fact is this is something that can actually kill you. Take care of yourself. And go get some help.
i understand. im almost 32 and it’s been about 10 years since i consciously stopped. i feel it creep in every now and then, but i have learned to not fall back into it. therapy helped, so if you feel like that might help, please consider it. please dont let this monster back in.
Something to keep in mind is that at your lowest weight, you were not done growing. Even if you were to get to a very low weight today, your measurements would be higher than they were when you were a teenager. This obviously doesn’t address the disordered eating habits that are creeping back in but it’s weirdly something that didn’t occur to me for ages about my own weight gain since I was younger.
I’m so sorry. Anorexia/ED’s are a lifetime illness. Don’t feel bad that you are feeling this way, just know that you have to make conscious decisions every day to choose what is the best for you. Everyone struggles sometimes, making sure you have a support network, even if it’s one person who knows is important. When I’m feeling this way I think “if I wanted to eat, what is a food I really like? Or what is a food that I think looks pretty/interesting to try.” If I want strawberries for example, I’ll eat some. I’ll at least try one. Good luck & know there are people rooting for you.