So I did something out of character and hooked up with a guy on the first date (which I don’t necessarily regret because I still enjoyed myself) BUT looking back I’m really annoyed with how he handled some things. Not sure if I should chalk it up to immaturity, a misunderstanding, or selfishness, but he was quite forceful/rough, even after I communicated my discomfort multiple times. He didn’t appear to believe me when I told him I was sensitive and didn’t seem all that concerned when he hurt me a couple times. he also kept trying to talk me into having sex without a condom. I even told him I wasn’t on any BC and was scared of getting pregnant especially after a scare a few months ago, but he still made multiple attempts to change my mind.
We did show each other our STI results prior (all negative) and he was very sweet/affectionate besides the rough handling, and he was eager to make me finish. After my experience with the last guy, that on it’s own felt like a huge step up. But obviously I know that’s the bare minimum of being a good sexual partner. So am I making the right call to take a huge step back and consider cutting things off? On top of the physical stuff, his energy on the 2nd date was immediately off and it gave me that familiar gut feeling that I’ve always ignored (unfortunately). He hasn’t texted me yet either and it’s been a few hours.
Please tell me I’m being stupid and just need to trust my damn intuition lol
Comments
Trust yourself, we have gut feelings for a reason, and to be honest, you don’t need a gut feeling to know this guy isn’t worth your time.
You are not being stupid, but you DO need to trust your intuition. This man did not care if he got you pregnant. This man did not care about your boundaries. This man hurt you during sex. This man is now ghosting you.
This man is not worth your time.
This man is potentially dangerous.
This man waved his red flags early. Will you heed the warning or ignore it?
Yes, please trust your “intuition”, aka your rational experience that he disregarded your boundaries and was pushy. Next step is stealthing.
He has shown who he is. Now it’s time for you to show who you are with two options.
someone who silently accepts this behaviour and shows him he is now able to escalate further
someone who has too much selfrespect and walks away from this man who despite all communication doesn’t care for your stance
The main takeaway from The Gift Of Fear by Gavin de Becker is to trust your intuition because it is right A LOT.
Please tell me you’re not going to see this disrespectful misogynist again. What is wrong with these men? No means no. A woman in pain should not be arousing. These are low bars. Love yourself, value yourself and set your standards accordingly. (Hint: This guy doesn’t meet them.)
Trust your intuition!
He’s not stupid – he knows what you meant when you communicated discomfort. He didn’t care. It’s so easy to try and twist it to think he really isn’t like that, surely?
But he is. He heard you. He understands English. He just didn’t care.
Cut him off!
Trust your intuition. He already showed you his pair of red flags while being in the position of being the sweetest man possible to hook up with you.
If you’d rather feel it out, talk with him about stuff said in his post, just to see his reaction (most people wouldn’t even bother, to be honest).
You gotta take some time to feel people out first.
Don’t waste your time on someone who’s not respectful of your safety.
What happens when he relaxes even further and is mostly rough and painful to your body or “forgets” the condom?
Unfortunately this guy doesn’t sound trustworthy.