Me (27F) and my partner (29M) have been together just under five years. My partner has severe, severe anxiety and depression (and I think CPTSD). For years he coped using alcohol and avoidance, which obviously helped him feel better in the moment, but was not a healthy long-term solution.
I didn’t understand how bad it was until about a year after moving in with each other (about 2 years into our relationship). When things were at their worst, his poor mental health not only nearly ended our relationship, but it also damn near ended his life. Like when I say damn near, I mean it.
I am so thankful that he was finally able to seek help, start therapy, and start medication. He takes Zoloft (Sertraline), as well as an antipsychotic, and recently, bipolar medication. Truly, he is thriving, and chose to stop drinking, which is something I thought I would never see. He has hobbies, has made a community for himself, and it truly brings me so much joy to see him finally blossom.
Now for the bad news: the Zoloft has absolutely destroyed our sex life. Like, he has truly no sex drive. He’s not even ‘cranking the gadget’ anymore. When we do have sex (MAYBE every few months, and less now that he quit drinking), I know it’s just because he feels bad and is doing it For my sake. When it happens, he is never able to finish. I really appreciate the thought, but I don’t want to have him do it just because he knows it’s something I want.
He has tried changing his meds to ones that are known to be less libido-crushing, but they didn’t work, and I almost lost him during that switchover. It’s not worth trying a change again now that he’s on something that works for him. At this point, I really know that it’s either meds & no sex, or no meds and he kills himself, so the choice is obvious. His doctor said that sometimes with SSRIs the impact on libido gets better with time, but if anything it has gotten worse.
I miss the sex, but moreover the built-in closeness and connection we used to get from sex. I don’t blame him or hold any hard feelings against him. He is truly the love of my life, my best friend, and I don’t really desire or want to spend my life with anyone else. We have a very secure and trusting relationship. But at the same time, I’m really, really struggling, and my mind is starting to wander.
Recently, part of me has wondered if asking to open the relationship on my end (for purely sex) would help at all. Like, my first choice is to have sex with him, but since that’s not an option, maybe just any old sex would do? I don’t know. I also know that I would NOT be okay to open things on his end as the current situation stands.
If the roles were reversed, I probably would be open to it for his sake. But I don’t want to hurt his feelings by asking, and I know once I ask I can’t un-ask that question. He has a really hard time talking about (our lack of) sex life, and seems equally bummed out but also deeply ashamed, even though I know it’s not his fault and we talk about how he has nothing to be ashamed of. I worry about what asking him might do to his mental health and/or to our relationship.
TL;DR: Partner’s medication saved his life but destroyed our sex life. What do I do? Is it fair to ask to seek sex (and only sex) outside of our relationship? Is this sustainable? At some point do I need to consider leaving the relationship? Is anyone else experiencing something similar? I really would love to hear from others experiencing similar things, especially someone who is in the same position as my partner.
Comments
So he’s alive, you are horny, and apparently that’s now a moral dilemma. Relationships are awesome!You already know the cost: either you stay and mourn a kind of intimacy that once anchored you, or you risk fracturing the thing that survived his unraveling.
What you’re asking isn’t selfish. It’s honest. But asking for sexual freedom while denying him the same… makes a high risk proposition even harder.
sex outside the relationship, even with consent, its opening the pandoras box, it may not start bad, but will end badly.
you just need to accept you two are not meant for eachother, its sad, but theres no real solution for your situation but this, you both can be happy with more compatible partners
This is tough. As someone who is also on Zoloft, I totally understand the frustration with its impact on sex drive.
That being said, it took me longer than a few months for my sex drive to get better. I’m talking a couple of years. But I can say now that my desire is significantly improved compared to the beginning. So I would say there’s always a chance things will improve over time.
The other option would be to decrease the dose. Of course he would have to work with a doctor on this. But there’s a chance decreasing it a bit will still give the benefits while lowering some of the side effects. That’s not a given and given his bad reaction to changing meds, I’d be careful here.
Have you guys discussed the possibility of other kinds of intimacy. Perhaps one that doesn’t involve his libido as much. I’m talking using toys, oral, etc. things he can do to satisfy you that are not reliant on him being in the mood as much. As someone who has struggled with similar issues, I was more than willing to accommodate my partner because I know it’s important and as you said you can see he is also upset that your needs aren’t being met.
As for opening the relationship, I would hesitant to do that. Once you ask you can never go back. I wouldn’t want to ruin something great like you have.
Have you considered couples therapy? It can really help you guys navigate this difficult issue. And find ways where you’re both happier than current.
I’m sorry y’all are going through this. It’s a tough position to be in. I empathize because I’ve been on both sides of this exact scenario.
Time to start figuring out a different definition of sex and what sex looks like to you as a couple! If you’re both game to get creative, and if you can move beyond guilt/self consciousness….I think there’s a lot of ways to find intimacy and fulfillment.
If he’s just putting up a brick wall and not willing to face this head on, then that’s another story and you shouldn’t feel guilty for your needs.
Rather than changing meds and risking the return of his depression, maybe he could consider adding something like Wellbutrin that doesn’t have sexual side effects and is often taken in addition to Zoloft. Then he can lower his dose of Zoloft slowly and see if he sees a corresponding drop in how well it’s working. Maybe he could try stopping the Zoloft and trying something new while maintaining the Wellbutrin, so he still has something to rely on for his depression during any transition period?
People on this sub are going to shit all over the idea of opening up the relationship but it can work. I’ve had relationships where we opened it up due to mismatched sex drives and for me it’s been a positive experience and I’ve been on both sides of it.
The critical part is clear open communication to a level that can be exhausting and difficult. If he’s someone who is prone to jealous you also can not do it.
Opening the relationship has to benefit both parties and you can not have it framed through him not being enough.
If the choices are break up or try something, I see no reason why not to try and find something that works
I was on SSRIs for 10 years and adding Wellbutrin helped a little. It could be worth looking into since going off meds is not a viable option for him.