Anyone else feel nameless and/or flinch when someone says your name?

I think my name was an afterthought, and I’m just realizing now that barely anyone actually called me by name in my entire extended family. They didn’t really talk to me much in general. It was more of a “I follow around anyone but my Nmom and hope they say something at me” situation.

The main person who said my name was my mom, and she only ever really said it during abuse. So now when I hear it, I flinch and get filled with overwhelming fear and dread. Every single time.

Also as a consequence, most of the time I feel nameless, and it’s weirdly comforting. But I also feel like not feeling attached to a name may also be why I have such an identity split. I’ve named different parts of my identity or rather they’ve adopted different titles over the years. It almost feels wrong to have a single name. I feel like this amorphous, undefinable thing that is an amalgamation of multiple but connected and titled identities, and adopting a single name wouldn’t fit. It also is a slightly scary thought since it would mean merging these different identities I have developed to cope into one, and I don’t think that works for me.

This is undoubtedly part of my depersonalization my mom caused, I’m sure. Narcs are vile for what they do to you.

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March 31, 2025
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