I know a lot of women on social media want the “provider” man. Where they can stay home and not work. I get it. I wanted that. I had that (married 10 years, divorce in progress)…and then it got abusive and I didn’t have money saved and my story is not in any way unique.
Leaving him got me thinking about my whole perspective on life. I feel like the whole “marry for money” thing was just forced into my brain by older women relatives. But now? I want to work and I don’t think I ever want to NOT work for an extended period of time because I realize the safety that comes with having my own money.
Any of you with men who make less? Or with men who weren’t well off when you met but leveled up with your help? I feel like I want someone who can be there for me in ways other than money at this point in my life because I can make my own.
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I have always wanted an equal. The “protect and provide” mentality really gives me the ice.
I’m pretty sure most of these “trad-wives” content pushes come from Russian and right wing propaganda. It’s much easier to exploit people who are desperate and have children they need to take care of. Keeping wages low, and pushing a conservative narrative of only having one income for the family means that women are more vulnerable (no education, no income), and men are more desperate because they have a family to feed and not enough means to do it. They’ll accept worse working conditions and pay just to keep a job.
A man is NOT a plan…there’s a reason only younger women are part of the trad-wife propaganda pushing and not the 40/50+ year old women who were dumped and left to fend for themselves after keeping house for decades.
There’s always an increased risk of abuse and infidelity with a provider man. Plus, if you get divorced, it leaves you at a huge disadvantage in terms of your career. I do worry about young girls being exposed to that side of social media.
My husband did make less when we were married but it was understandable because he was still in grad school. He now makes more than me. Personally, I didn’t mind him making less because he contributed in other ways.
I got together with a guy who at the time made a fraction of what I earned, but was smart, kind, funny, attentive and basically made me love every minute of being around him.
It was the right call in so many ways, but since your question was about money, over the past decade he’s developed his career (with some guidance from me) and we’re now at a similarly senior level in a fairly high paying profession.
He’s the best partner I’ve could ever ask for and our life is pretty amazing these days. I’m certainly glad I chose someone for the connection, fun, respect and shared values rather than income or wealth.
My husband wasn’t rich when we met. He leveled up when he got his MBA, but I leveled up when we moved to a city with higher-paying jobs. Except for a period where I legally couldn’t work, I never needed him to provide for me, and I certainly wouldn’t ask that of him. The idea of not making my own financial contribution makes my skin crawl.
I totally agree with you that a woman should never rely on a man financially.
Some women like the idea of being a stay at home mom and just rely on their husband’s income… I know how I felt when I was on maternity leave (1,5 years) and I hated feeling that vulnerable and dependent… some men really take advantage of that and some rub it in your face “I make more than you…. Therefore I’m better than you, you wouldn’t survive without me… look at all I’ve done for you…” women should never be placed in that position.
I know of a few women who are the breadwinner in their marriages/relationships, and honestly they all make it work. From my experience, I’d rather be in a happy marriage than be with someone who makes a shit ton of money, doesn’t treat me right, uses money against me…
It truly depends on the person you marry… you could marry a doctor or a lawyer and they could be one of the worst people in the world, or you could marry someone who makes less than you but they always roll out the red carpet for you, they truly love and care for you…
So long story short, money isn’t everything. Yes it’s always nice to have money, but in my opinion it’s the person that matters more than their paycheque
My partner makes less than me, started out with ~40k in debt. He’s a provider in the fact that he has paid off almost all this debt in 2 years and pays a lot of bills. He also provides by doing housework (unprompted) and being an amazing emotional support person. He provides me safety and comfort.
I provide a good amount of the money, love, cooking, and same safety and support.
In the past I’ve almost exclusively dated guys who made the same or less than me and it’s always been great. I have 2 college degrees, I don’t think I’ve ever dated anyone with a degree. The one time I dated someone who made more than me, he was extremely mentally and emotionally abusive and had me wanting to off myself. We weren’t “married” but lived together and I struggled to make enough to afford his lifestyle that I had to keep up with, which meant he was paying most the bills on a house we jointly owned. It took 18 months to legally and finically untangle myself from that. Looking back I can’t think of why I ever thought I loved him or how I could let that happen.
What I’ve learned, money isn’t shit. I’d rather be “poor” and in a loving happy relationship than with someone cold hearted and “rich”. I’ve also convinced my current partner that if he couldn’t afford something without me or vice versa then we don’t need to be buying it. This also helps if someone suddenly loses their job.
Yeah this was me. My ex made almost 200,000 a year, so I didn’t need to work. I hated it. I was miserable and depressed all the time.
I will never stop working like that again. I like making my own money. I’m dating someone now that makes about as much as I do and were way happier than I ever was before. Money can do a lot, but it won’t make your marriage any happier if you aren’t with the right person.
I’d rather make less and have some struggle but deeply love who I’m with than have more money than I needed with someone that didn’t love me.
My last husband made great money with the military, and then he also beat the living shit out of me bc he can’t handle stress.
I bought this one a pair of shoes on our first date. Five years later we bought a house and he’s fantastic.
If you think you’re “marrying for money” what you may very well be doing is marrying a man who can make money, but not handle any other part of being a husband or a good person.
Marry someone you love then go make money together.
My advice to younger women is to never under any circumstances put yourself in a position that you are dependent on someone else.
When I met my husband we were both broke 25-year-olds, me more so despite having “come from” more money. He was a Job Corps kid who got a trade, and moved across the country with zero credit. I was the dumb young adult with tens of thousands in student loans and trashed credit.
His job is reliable, necessary, and essentially recession-proof. He worked MORE hours during COVID than during regular times. Our essential bills and health insurance were covered by his check, letting me do less reliable creative work. I helped him maximize his retirement contributions and build his credit (since I had already made the mistakes), he supported me in the slow years of my business. Now 10 years later I’m earning more than him, and we’re very comfortable homeowners in a HCOL area.
We essentially allowed for each other to “level up” in our own ways, and it feels very balanced and equal now. We’ve basically had joint accounts since we got engaged.
My provider husband has been great and we are still together. Not everyone wants to do it all themselves
I will never understand the desire other women have to become a trad-wife. Without your own skills & income, you are at such immense risk. If you marry the right man, it could work great. If you marry the wrong man, you could essentially end up being a hostage in the relationship due to finances. And let me tell you… life experiences change people. The right man can turn into a very wrong man later in life.
I made more than my ex when he was finishing school. Once he graduated, he made significantly more than me, but ended up turning into a complete monster a year later. I am so thankful I never had to rely on him to survive, otherwise I would probably be a “statistic” now.
Women should have skills and income beyond being a stay at home parent.
Mmm. I think it can work. I’m married to a provider man but still work and am on a path to FIRE soon-ish. I don’t want kids, just plastic surgery and money.
Half our savings is in my account, half in his. I wouldn’t be comfortable any other way. I don’t think you have to give up a wealthy parter – just find one that’s not using finances to manipulate you. And keep your career going, there’s no reason not to.
This exact situation is first of all why there has long been such a long focus in the feminist movement for women to have their own livelihood, not as a denigration of stay at home mothers, but based on the dire economic situations of many women who had been staying at home mothers and then found themselves essentially discarded or abandoned by their husbands.
This is also why one school of feminism is in favor of the type of social supports that exist at least in parts of Europe, where stay at home parents, regardless of marital status, are provided a decent income so they can stay at home with their children in their formative years, and why countries like Mexico have begun enacting pensions to women who spent a lot of their lives doing unpaid domestic labor.
There still is, as far as I know, not enough ways to address not just the unpaid nature of domestic labor, but the great disadvantage stay at home parents face in terms of decreased earnings if/when they return to the workforce, and then to compound that, a decreased pension. Even when the relatively more advantaged women are comfortable, I’ve still seen more than enough of how economic dependence on a husband can negatively impact not just the marriage, but the wife and their kids. So it’s never been anything that has had any appeal, as much as the whole rich, provider husband is hyped up now.
I’ve honestly been happy dating relatively broke guys who were great partners in other ways in the past. With one brief exception, if my exes were less than ideal partners, it had nothing to do with their low earning power. Since emotional well-being and relationships are important to me, I really would never want to be in one that was distorted by economically depending on a husband, and the vast power imbalance of that, that has led to so much hardship for women and even their children. Frankly a lot of the psychological wounds of the patriarchy which I suspect women on the whole are still healing and growing out of, happened due to the survival pressure of depending on a man.
Also, there’s a difference between a very young woman with little to no education and/or career experience becoming a stay at home mother, versus a woman who has a masters degree becoming one. I feel especially concerned that very young women with no experience of being on her own are being encouraged to marry for money, and especially how for some, there’s a weird idolization of a young woman marrying an older, presumably rich “silver fox” type literally old enough to be their dad. That’s not to say educated women who become stay at home mothers aren’t also sometimes extremely economically vulnerable, just that the vulnerability can be even worse for the younger, less experienced women.
I supported my spouse through med school and residency. He makes considerably more than me, now.
We both saw our careers as callings, and we wanted to support each other. What I mean is, my work is important to him, and his is important to me, because we are both in helping professions. We didn’t and don’t care who makes more as long as we both have the opportunity to do the work we feel is our commitment to our community.
But! He obviously carries the family financially in a way that I cannot. Our children going to the colleges they want to go to is all thanks to his salary.
Oddly I’m in somewhat the opposite position. I’m the breadwinner and my husband is not working (by his choice). We’ve been together since college and I knew based on the degree I picked I’d likely be the breadwinner.
My thoughts are that both partners should be working (if possible and not due to lay offs/health) and be financially independent.
It makes the dynamics more level.
My husband quit his job a few years ago with the promise of switching from blue collar to white collar. Our marriage is not doing great because he is literally choosing not to work and I’ve been very clear that I am very unhappy with this decision. Partly because as a woman our daughter is more my responsibility and because he doesn’t want a romantic relationship anymore. He wants for me to basically financially take care of us forever, do 50%+ of chores and parenting of our child, pay for vacation. As well, while he did work he did nothing to save for retirement, but he also did not have ANY bills to pay. Literally his money went to food or whatever he wanted. I’m likely initiating divorce this year.
Me and my husband started on the same foot. I got my college degree first. He followed suit. I have a career that I make low six figures. He makes slightly more than me. I take pride that we are equal with money and work and education. And at home we are equal. With kids. With house chores etc. I never felt like I was his maid or a nanny to our kids
I’ve had both in relationships and what I’ve found is that you need a mix of providing financially (or at least contributing) and providing emotionally/mentally. The balance is important for both people to have valuable roles that contribute to the relationship. I do personally prefer to work and have a career because it feels safer to me. Best of luck with your situation!
I’m dating a woman, but I can tell you that even if I was dating a man it would be the same: I don’t need a provider
I find people who want to stay home and live on their partners dime to be lazy and unmotivated. It’s also stupid to put your entire financial future in the hands of someone else and just trust that you’ll be taken care of
And no I don’t care if kids are involved. Go back to work as soon as you can
Amen girl. My mom told me all the time growing up she married my dad because “she thought he had money” lol. He didn’t have a ton of money but he worked hard and provided for us and my mom never had to work. Fast forward to her being 45 and getting divorced with not even a high school diploma and no skills. She does not get alimony because my dad cooked the books so hard for his business that it shows he made very little (he was in construction so all cash).
Anyway, my fiancé is a musician and, with me being in tech, I make way more than him. But I don’t mind at all. He does ok. We split things equitably and he does all the cooking and cleaning. In my experience the women who say marry for money are the ones that can’t make their own money. Learn to make your own money and the world opens up for you.
Luckily for me no woman in my family has ever pushed this narrative, actually quite the opposite. It was always “marry for love, work for money” so I worked hard, did well in school, and never expected to rely on a man. My last relationship was abusive, which makes me glad that I didn’t rely on him financially.
Yes.
I married a man who made half as much as I do, was not educated (as I am), and had no ambitions to be a higher earner in the future. I was fine with that. He presented himself as a loving, supportive, thoughtful partner who agreed on the issues that are important to me and shared a vision for the future.
Immediately after we married, he started cheating and became emotionally abusive. The man I had known before marriage was all a lie (and he would eventually admit as much). I still tried to make it work for a few months, but when I’d had enough, there were no practical circumstances preventing me from walking away. I would have no trouble paying my bills by myself again; he would be the one to struggle.
It was very obvious in the group therapy classes I attended during and after my divorce what a stark difference there was between working wives and those with “provider husbands.” In almost every case, those who did not work tolerated abuse and neglect for decades until finally leaving (or, in many cases, their husbands discarded them). They were struggling to find work and figure out how to start a career in their 40s and 50s. Those who worked throughout their marriages were much quicker to leave when the abuse started, and obviously had an easier adjustment to post-divorce life.
Some comments have alluded to divorce or abuse, but what happens when you don’t have your own source of income and something terrible and unfortunate happens to “provider man”? Also, children are not free, their needs and wants get more expensive over time. The financial arrangement that works when they’re babies may not be viable when it’s time to pay college tuition.
Yes. I had that. It was something my mother really aspired to for my sisters and myself – in the same breath she wanted us to work, but really the example was, you need and cannot do anything without a man.
So yeah. It most certainly bit me in the ass. It was a privilege to be able to stay home and raise my child (who was very ill often and likely would have interfered with a solid job), to create a beautiful home and entertain our families often, to take care of my mother for months when she got cancer, take care of my mother in law after her stroke, and take care of my ex-husband’s every need throughout his near-fatal bout with cancer.
I saved that jerk’s life (actually) and he cheated on me.
I had to start an entire new life at 48.
I am a cautionary tale. I also wonder if married the wrong person because I was raised to focus on finding support rather than supporting myself.
I’m the breadwinner. I’m about to start a grueling workweek and mentioned as much to my SO.
He said he’d handle meals this week and not to worry about it. They’re my biggest daily stressor and having him pick up the part of the partnership where I was going to struggle this week is so nice. And so caring.
I don’t care who earns more. Partnerships are about supporting each other.
But always have your income. Always.
IDK I’m not conventionally attractive and I knew that no man was coming to save me.
I’ve always worked, and I hope that I’m physically able to always have employment even if it’s just part time.
Your question is a little weird to me. It sounds like you wanted a man to control your destiny.
I was married for 20 years and my ex usually made less then me. However he usually had health insurance while I didn’t (I had to go on his) and having 2 incomes in a working class household is always easier than doing everything yourself.
I had a partnership with my ex though, not a “oh he’s going to take care of me and that’s that.”
I’ve never really used a man’s income as much of a determining factor in relationships. I mean he should have a job or otherwise be able to support himself but I prefer things to be equitable, I don’t want to be trapped in a huge power imbalance. Most of the men I’ve dated are average to low income. Money is a tool. It makes life easier, but it’s just a tool. I prioritize other qualities.
My mom went through the same thing. Fully trusted my dad (I mean duh she married him not thinking he would be a horrible person) and then was left with nothing.
I would say if you wanna be a SAHM then have an “allowance” for the work you do at home that you can stash away and not be expected to contribute with. That way, you’re at least getting paid because you’re child rearing cooking cleaning etc. a paid service for that would be thousands of dollars a month and if he loves and respects you he will understand that you need a fall back since you’re literally giving up years on your resume and skills and experience being a mom.
I’ve always been the breadwinner in my relationships, but sadly due to me bringing in a high income it’s allowed for some men to really financially abuse me. I think there is downfalls either way.
My next relationship the man must be financially stable. I’m not looking for a provider. Just someone who can look after themselves, just as I do.
Met my partner when we were both poor and relatively young and we’ve both grown together. He’s outearned me at times and I’ve earned more at others, including now. We’ve both been very upfront about wanting a partnership of equals, which means that we split things equitably and talk about what it takes for each of us to feel that things are fair and that we each have independent and shared financial security. We have different backgrounds so our needs on that are different, but we’ve worked on making sure we communicate and check in regularly so that as our perspectives and circumstances change (because life happens) we can adapt how we share money/resources/risks and responsibilities like chores and life admin. Because it’s a compromise often neither of us is 100% comfortable with what we land on, but we get clear on each of our priorities and try and make sure that we find a solution that meets each of our most important needs, even if it means we have to concede on some less important stuff.
It definitely hasn’t been easy and there is genuine pressure being the breadwinner, but because we’re both committed and stubborn, we’ve made it work.
Kind of, though we weren’t married. I do miss money never being an issue, I could ask for/ have anything I wanted. But he was controlling…
I always advocate for women to have a job. Don’t rely on no man!
Was a story in the papers here yesterday. Woman in her 50s, stay at home mother, got divorced, half of everything. Retrained and updated skills but nobody wants to hire a 50- something woman into an entry level role. It’s hard enough as one with considerable skills!
The other side is my partner has an ex wife who stayed home and wouldn’t work because she had a religious background. It destroyed their marriage as he wasn’t raised that way and didn’t want a dependent, but an equal partner.
I know the workplace is stacked against us, but it won’t change if we opt out.
My husband makes A LOT more than me. He owns his own business and is very successful. I have worked for the Federal Government for 13 years. I do not need to work but I hold onto that job for dear life because it’s my independence. Let’s me know I could walk away any day and still have income. I have good credit and a strong work history. But I still long to go back to school and become a Doctor or something. Some days I don’t want to be married to a rich man, I want to be a rich man.
My husband loves to talk about how her married up. I’m an engineer with a Masters. He’s in the trades. I will likely always make more than he does.
When I was 17 my dad made a comment that, “You’re not going to marry the guy you date in high school. You probably won’t marry the guy you date in college. So focus on yourself and your career. The right person who loves and supports you for you will come along.” And damn if dear old dad wasn’t right on the nose with that one.
I think having both of us working also takes the pressure off a bit. My coworker’s wife was laid off 18 months ago and still hasn’t found a job. He is CONSTANTLY stressed about it. Having to support an entire family by yourself for years and years sounds super stressful, regardless of gender.
I have never been in a relationship where I had the option to not work and be provided for. I have also always earned more and been more naturally ambitious and hard working. I am currently with someone who I thought was my equal but am learning that he needs some motivation to achieve that. I am exhausted. Saying all that, I would never not work, the loss of independence would drive me insane. Even if I had a partner who made enough for me to not need to work one day.
>Or with men who weren’t well off when you met but leveled up with your help?
Girl no. You need a partner not a project
My husband is great. He makes twice as much money as I do as well. (Not that that is saying much since we’re barely making ends meet right now.) But I’m not naive or dumb. I’m making my own money and will never not make my own money. I have an entire backup property I can move into if anything goes south, and its one I can afford to live in even with my crappy income. Taking care of myself has always been my number one priority.
I was kinda the opposite. I let him take all of my money basically. When it ended, I realized nothing was in my name but I paid for at least half if not all of everything. He tried to leave me with nothing and I had to fight. Only the receipts in my bank account saved me.
I worked as an assistant at a divorce law firm for two years and that scared the shit out of me. The firm primarily had female clients. I saw so many women who didn’t pursue a career (or left a career) in order to stay at home & be the primary caretaker get absolutely raked over the coals during the divorce process.
Seemingly well educated and caring husbands regularly cut off health insurance, cell phone service, stopped paying the car & house note, etc., during divorce proceedings. I saw so many women completely caught off guard and without a backup plan.
The second scariest thing I repeatedly witnessed was younger couples fighting over debt during the divorce proceedings. They spent way too much on their wedding, took out a huge loan for their home, had credit card debt and student loans, expensive car leases, etc., etc. No real assets or properties — just debt that had to be split plus tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees.
My husband makes about half of what I make and it took him a few years to “level up” by contributing in other ways (i.e. doing work around the house).
Be wary of men who want to do 50/50 because it’s never equal. Be wary of men who talk about gold diggers. Always keep “socks drawer money.” Always see how they keep and maintain their home and make sure that you can live in that environment. You don’t necessarily want a “provider,” sure. But you want someone who won’t mooch off of you either.
I’m almost 40. I have never wanted a provider man. And I say that as a woman who’s been disabled since 15 and haven’t been able to live independently since. The fact that so many women my age and younger seem to have made it their goal is unfathomable to me.
Maybe it’s because I grew up poor as hell, maybe it’s from all my accumulated childhood trauma but I just could never expect anyone to provide for me.
Well, I can’t answer your title question, but I can answer to say my husband made less than me when we met. It wasn’t unusual for me to have more money than anyone I dated just because I was frugal and eventually because I got a great job. I also knew I would never give up my job to rely on a man. Then again, my mom was usually the breadwinner when I was a kid and the whole idea of a stay at home mom was but a legend to me, lol.
I’ve always made more than my husband and always made more than the guys I dated before him 🤷🏼♀️ I worked hard to get where I am. My husband doesn’t have the same drive though and I have had to push him to really pursue a career. What’s funny is though, is he manages his money way better than I do my own.
I think I’m at a point where I empathize with the people who believe in “tradwifery” even though it’s not the answer. Part of how we have gotten here is because women are looking for an escape for how abusive and unsustainable work culture has become. Not everyone wants to be a workaholic or a “girlboss.” Having a male partner with a well paying job might lead to the possibility of only having to work part time to evade burnout- honestly, I would love to get to this point (of only having to work part time). It does seem that a lot of men resent their wives for staying home or only working part time, even when they do all the housework, which is frustrating.
Edit: For context, my husband does not make much money, but he is basically perfect in all other areas and does lots of cooking and cleaning lol.
I went through this coming up on 12 years ago. I did NOT marry for money (I come from a wealthy family, he came from absolutely dirt poor origins), and I wasn’t afraid of work. But I wanted to be a mom, and I wanted to be home with my children and homeschool them. At the time I felt that was the best childhood I could possibly give them. I was heavily influenced by religion in this. So I found someone who agreed and we set about raising a family. We both worked very hard in our roles. But he was making money with his work and I was not.
He was happy to use college savings I had to purchase a house, and to kick off his real estate business. But then he became angry any time I spent money on groceries, or on thrift store clothes for the kids. I have one of those “snapshot” memories forever in my head of me coming home from the dollar store excited to help him about a set of mixing bowls with lids I found for $5. I was excited because I was always looking for things that were practical and a good deal. I thought these fit the bill. We needed the bowls, and we needed a way to store leftovers, as we were operating with almost nothing at the time. He was enraged and berated me for “always spending [his] money on stupid things.” I had to account for every penny I spent. I never bought anything new. We lived on a miniscule amount and I was very careful, so I wasn’t putting us in debt.
He really thought I was lazy. I did not have an uninterrupted night of sleep in our entire marriage between a honeymoon pregnancy and having a bunch of kids. He did zero parenting, much less night time parenting. But he’d get to work in the morning and call just to make sure I hadn’t fallen back asleep. He was angry when I was sick. He was angry when I was in the hospital having a baby and he had to care for the other kids.
Anyway, it was hell. There were plenty of other issues but his disdain for me and my efforts and his controlling attitude were big themes. By the time he finishes paying child support he will just about have paid off the money he got from me and the money he loaned from my dad and still hasn’t paid off lol.
Now, I will NEVER not work unless it is literally physically impossible. I will find some way to make my own money and keep my own savings. Even though I have a wonderful partner now, I wouldn’t stop working even if he made a whole lot more than me. I will NEVER allow myself to be fully dependent again. Even though I don’t think this man is even capable of being controlling, shit happens. He could get ill. He could lose his job. We might (god forbid) find ourselves having to split up. Fortunately, he understands my need for independence completely and supports that.
I had one and hated it!!! I experienced HUGE financial abuse in that relationship. When we met I was the bread winner. I got him the job he had and then when I had our daughter he wanted me to be a stay at home mom like his mom. At first I was cool with it but then I quickly discovered I gave up so much power and security. Sure enough when we got divorced I was the one that suffered. I had not worked in YEARS, missed out on lots of growth and experience in the job market, had no saving, no retirement. I didn’t even have the money to hire a legal team to help fight for what was legally mine. I was also now a single mom trying to survive on a basic job (because that’s all that would hire me) until the courts forced him to pay support which took almost 7 months because he had 2 lawyers and I had none. I ended up doing it all myself. In the end I ended up with almost 6k in child support and spousal support but man it was a brutal battle to get there. I will NEVER EVER allow a man to have full financial control of me again. This is how women get stuck in relationships they can’t afford to leave. Now I make about 30k more a year more than he makes now (almost 200k a year) but man it was a struggle to get here.
The provider man can get laid off. Women place themselves in bad situations by fully depending on a man. When my “provider” husband got laid off and was proven to be a cheater, I was able to leave him because I had my own financial independence. I will never put myself in a situation where I don’t have my own money and my own retirement.
I have a few friends who work while their husbands are SAHDs. They’re not perfect relationships either; I often think the women have the same unreasonable, entitled expectations that working dads with SAHMs have.
I think the power dynamics are just tough when only one person’s name is on the check.
To be honest, the happiest relationships I know are ones where both parties are somewhere between 60-100% of each other’s wages. Close enough that they’re both meaningful contributors to the finances and joint decisions are a given.
When I see all this trad wives/provider man stuff being sold for the younger generation I just want to stage an intervention. Like, girl, didn’t you learn the lessons of generations of maltreated women in the past?
The big difference between most women who work outside the house and those who don’t, is that the one’s who work outside the house still have to do most, if not all, of the homemaker duties as well.
A lot of people, especially when young-ish, are (sometimes unknowingly) scared about the world or are intimidated by it, and gladly relinquish their own agency or control to someone that they trust and who they believe loves them, in order to unburden their psyche of having to plan and act. Following can feel easier.
The pressure it puts on the breadwinner is a lot and some people handle it well and others dread feeling that burden.
When we get older, and learn more about navigating life, it may not scare some as much as it once did. The desire to make that pivot can be a lot, and disrupt the normalcy and steady state the status quo in a relationship.
I am a woman, but I am/was the breadwinner. We divorced after 4 years – he felt that he made compromises he later discovered he couldn’t keep and didn’t feel that he got the amount of independence he preferred.
I have never seen this kind of dynamics going on without some kind of abuse at some point. No matter whether it ends up in divorce or the couple managed to work past it.
Not when I was still growing and living in Asia and not now when I am living in Europe.
A lot of providers buckle (or even break) under the financial pressure, even them who are not, often do not see the contribution of their non financially earning spouse.
I am afraid both young men and women who are thinking to go into this kind of dynamics have not adequality prepare for the question of future resentment.
It was drilled into me to always have my own income and have a career so it wasn’t really on my mind to have a provider. That said I do want someone who can support themselves at least and had good financial sense.
I worked since I was a preteen (babysitting since I was 11, then my first real job at 14), I always worked but in 2008 I got laid off right after my husband and I got married and the economy tanked at the same time we found out we were expecting and then I was put on bedrest for my pregnancy. We had another child 2 years later, but the whole time I was trying to get a job. After the second baby we decided I’d stay home as it would cancel out childcare if I did work, and then me staying home just extended. Now our kids are teens and I’ve been trying to get a job for the past 3 years and it feels impossible since I’ve been out of work so long. I’m now back in school to finish my degree, but it really makes me look back and wish I had pushed harder to work. My husband makes decent money and we have retirement and life insurance but I still worry if something was to happen to either of us, I wish I also had retirement or more to contribute. I tell everyone I don’t recommend being a SAHM just because the job market is so competitive.
When my husband and I first started dating, neither of us had much of anything. We both worked off and on during the early years. When I got pregnant with our oldest, I started staying home while he worked. When they were a toddler, I decided to go back into the workforce. At one point, I got the job I currently have. We had 3 kids by this time. The youngest was like 9 months old, and we made the decision for my husband to be a stay at home dad. I provided for our family and bought a house in 2020 on my income. He started a part-time job when our youngest was finally in school and has just recently accepted a full-time position. Our money has always been our money. I do the budgeting and let him know if things are tight or not, but beyond that, he can buy what he wants except big purchases, we discuss those. I want a partner, someone who is with me 100%. We adjust as needed. No one’s ego gets in the way.
The easy life ain’t always easy
I grew up wanting a provider, definitely influenced by female aunts and cousins who married wealthy, (mostly) older men. I wasted my early 20s chasing this.
One of those aunts got a breast cancer diagnosis and her husband (2nd, not the father of her kids) left. Then I learned this was NOT an unusual occurrence! Statistically, if the woman is deemed disabled or has a disease their male partner will leave, vs when it’s the man who is sick, their female partner will stay and become their caretaker.
I think it radicalized me, “You’re on your own kid, you always have been.”
I met my husband when he was a manager at a local hotel. Few years later he’s changed industries and is a regional manager of managers.
With the exception of 2019, I have always out earned him. Currently, I make almost double. I’m smart, I’m capable, I don’t need a man to buy me purses I need a man who can fix problems.
On our 2nd date I mentioned my head light was out and needed to take it in that weekend to be replaced. The next day he showed up to my work with two different bulbs (he only knew the make/model of my car, not the exact year), he changed the bulb, and asked if I was free for brunch now that I didn’t need to take my car in.
We weren’t exclusive at that point but I deleted my dating profile while he was still in the parking lot lol.
I watched a lot of women in my mother’s generation who depended on a man end up stuck putting up with infidelity of abuse.
So I was always pretty deadset from a young age on not being dependent on a man. I set a goal for myself when I was like 15 to someday earn enough money so that if the father was a deadbeat, my children could still live a comfortable, upper middle class lifestyle. And I’ve succeeded. I’m married and pregnant, but I’m the breadwinner and earn 80% of the household income. If he left me today, we’d be fine financially. I am with him only because I love him and that’s very freeing.
I’m the opposite.
I was raised to girlboss so hard that now at 36, I’m burnt out.
I love my husband and wouldn’t change our life.
But if I were single now, money would be a much bigger factor in dating than it was for me a decade ago.