EDIT: to clarify, I am mostly talking about shaming/judgment of women who are opting to be single AND sex-positive, as someone else pointed out. Single by choice women are supported here. Single by choice and slutty? No, I don’t think we are.
I may delete this if it gets too inflamed, I really am not looking for a shitfight. I’m looking to hear from women who have noticed what I have- I guess I’m just wondering if I’m imagining it.
Obvs I’m referring to a recent post (I’m not looking to start shit on or about that post, it’s just the latest in a few that I’ve noticed lately and have become quite bothered by) but I’m wondering if fellow single-by-choice or sex-positive women have noticed on this sub that there does seem to be a frequent implication that being single by choice is a sign of a person being defective or emotionally damaged in some way, and the same implication about women who prioritise sex over a serious committed relationship?
There very much feels often a tone of “oh yes, but I got that out of my system in my 20s, now I’m in a mature, settled relationship” as if those of us for whom it’s an active longterm choice are immature or stunted, and not simply making a different, equally valid choice. Or worse- objects of pity assumed to actually want a relationship but claiming we don’t as a cope. And there’s no way to refute that without sounding defensive so it just gets perpetuated.
There’s nothing wrong with settling down into committed monogamy. There’s nothing wrong with being single and celibate. But there’s also nothing wrong with not doing that.
It’s so weird because for the most part, I was under the impression that this sub skewed progressive. And yet there remains the pervasive “serious relationship is endgame” assumption.
I’ve seen posts complaining about some friend of the OP’s who’s still out having lovers and not “settling down”, as if that’s a problem to be solved.
I noticed also that a recent post where a woman asked how to have a slutty phase was downvoted to shit. Like, what exactly is the problem here? Are women like us a threat? Are we seen as the type husbands will cheat with, as if we have no morals or ethics? I have always loathed that assumption when it comes to women disliking other women, but in this case I honestly can’t help but wonder.
Comments
I haven’t noticed an anti-single bias in this sub. Quite the opposite tbh. I don’t think a few posts and comments are representative of the overall vibe. I think it’s very supportive of single women
I have no issue with people doing whatever they want, but I do think some people also try to be something they’re not. I’m a relationship person. I’ve only even kissed my ex spouse. I will never have a hookup. I hate dating, so after my marriage ended, I’m also single by choice.
single-by-choice are fine
single-mom-by-tragedy are fine obviously (breakup/divorce/death are all tragedy category)
single-mom-on-purpose-forcibly-through-hooking-up-and-having-bad-financials are not fine
and no, obv these aren’t the only 3 options but they’re pretty big ‘bins’
I haven’t noticed that at all. I’ve actually noticed the opposite: romanticizing the single by choice lifestyle.
Slut-shaming is definitely a problem here, yeah. Always wild to see such intense internalized misogyny in spaces that you would think would aim for the exact opposite atmosphere.
I think there are critics, and we tend to see criticism of our own choices. Women who are single are defective. Women in bad relationships are weak. Women in happy relationships are deluded.
Eh…I’ve seen the pendulum swing back-and-forth with regards to anti/pro-singleness on this sub.
Personally, I close tab and scroll on for both when that topic gets absurd or is overly chastising on either end.
I agree with those saying they have seen the opposite in this sub. I’ve personally seen an overwhelming majority of support for women who choose to be single.
I agree that there is nothing wrong with either side. I’ve personally found a lot of support here for voicing my singleness and unwillingness to settle romantically to just have a partner. It’s been comforting. 🙂
I haven’t noticed that at all. I say give it time and the votes and comments will skew back to the average for the subreddit – which is very single-positive and sex-positive.
I haven’t really noticed any “anti single by choice post”. Rather the opposite, I see it celebrated here more so
I do think there’s a bit of a pushback to sex positivity. Unfortunately I think a lot of women have made bas experiences by being very open in that arena. So you know “once bitten, twice shy”. Someone else mentioned pretending to be something you’re not and I’d agree with that. Yes of course no one is forcing you into hook ups (I’ve never had one) but environment matters. For a lot of us coming of age in the 2000s, we grew up with an understanding that certain things were expected when you’re dating. And I think a lot of those expectations don’t suit many women
No, I can’t say that I have
I do not give a fuck if somebody thinks I am defective though. Why would anybody here feel the need to defend their choices to a random reddit person. You don’t even really know if all of the participants here are women.
This comes under tge category of shake it off.
This sub seems very supportive of single by choice women as long as they’re celibate. If we have casual sex the attitude changes very dramatically.
Of single women? No, people seem pretty supportive. Of promiscuity? Absolutely, seen some rank ass body/sex shaming on the most benign and vanilla things
Im surprised I don’t get blowback from mentioning ENM in here honestly, as it also seems like something that can be targeted by the slut shaming faction.
I’d anything I’ve seen the opposite. I see posters here quite frequently getting scolded for wanting a relationship and marriage and kids. I’m often surprised by how many comments I see advocating ignoring men entirely. I hardly ever see anyone talk about having multiple partners at all, in any context. I’d love to see it more.
As a side note, I’m pretty sure that Reddit “curates” your home feed, unlike the Popular and All feeds. I’m not sure if it’s a post-by-post thing, but it definitely happens on a subreddit level. Reddit may just be showing you the posts that annoy you the most, because that’s what all algorithms are designed to do.
I’ve noticed a shift in the direction you mentioned, yes. And there are always a couple of slut-shaming comments under various posts, as well as a lot of kink-shaming lately, or maybe there always have been, and I didn’t recognize it. I don’t know. From the time I was just a silent reader a couple of months back, I was under the impression that posts with slut-shaming were downvoted. Nowadays, it doesn’t seem to be the case. I think even reddit is moving slightly more conservatively.
I am in a monogamous relationship, but tbh, if I haven’t found my husband, I would probably be single and have hook-ups, too. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Not all of my friends have or want to settle for a relationship, and as long as they are happy, I am happy for them.
I’ve always thought this sub leans more single-by-choice than most other women-centric ones. You’re seeing some reaction to that trend in the post you mentioned.
A lot of women of the age and background that gravitate here were burned by nineties sex-positive feminism and there’s some backlash against it. Just like people raised in fundie culture are going to discuss the negatives of that. Better not to take it too personally. A lot of us are just giving advice based on what we wish we could tell our younger, dumber selves. This group is also judgy AF which in my opinion makes it more fun to read.
There was a comment recently where a woman implied that a 39M without kids/never married was defective in some way. I wonder how this woman feel feels about other women in this same position. Felt like a sad and pathetic comment, but I left it alone because this forum is meant for all women of varying opinions.
No, honestly I’ve seen the opposite. But we all know that Reddit has some word algorithmic stuff at play and not all of us see the same content.
I haven’t seen it but would I be surprised if I saw it? No. Reddit is still the real world.
No. I see a ton of posts and support for women opting out of relationships.
I don’t spend enough time in this sub to feel like I’m an expert lol.
But I’ve noticed far more posts/comments encouraging being single or flat out anti-relationship than any slut shaming or judgement towards single women.
Part of the reason I don’t spend as much time here is because being in a healthy, happy relationship with a man I call my best friend makes me feel like the odd one out lol.
The points you say here are valid. My friends in marriages with men I wouldn’t touch with a 10 ft pole are constantly trying to gauge where I am at in “finding a man” or trying to encourage me to and I’m like… can we talk about something else? Being single is really not that big of a deal to me
Definitly on the slut shaming. It’s wild, if you enjoy hock ups, you will get a ton of answers about how bad and horrible this is. Weird, I really hoped we were over this bs.
I haven’t seen a bias in any direction. It’s just a bunch of individuals posting from their personal perspectives so it swings all over the place and I haven’t really noticed intolerance of dissenting voices so long as the person is respectful.
I think there’s a fair amount of astroturfing going on in women led communities online at the moment to push sex shaming to tie into the US government’s current Puritan agenda.
The rise of sex shaming and the rise of trad wife content is no coincidence. They’re stepping stoning it at the moment by saying single and celibate is OK but they’ll soon come for that too.
Social media is infested with bots leading the agenda. We need to get smarter about identifying bait post haste.
This sub is super judgmental.
I posted once about something bad I did. Only 2 people were compassionate and understanding.
People were telling me the worst things and how I’d betrayed and abused my partner.
I had a conversation with him where I came clean and he didn’t care at all. Not saying I’m perfect or my relationship is, but people here are mean.
I haven’t noticed that at all.
I haven’t seen any shaming. Definitely not of people who are single/want to have sex. Instead I’ve seen people make suggestions, or say things like “you do you, that’s not for me.”
That’s not shaming, let’s not find a way to make something innocuous into something combative, there’s already plenty of that online.
No. In fact, I’ve noticed the opposite.
Ime this sub is supportive of singleness, sometimes even militantly so. But mention casual sex and people will come out of the woodwork to stick their nose up at you.
The vibe is very much;
“Oh I just can’t see why AnY woman would wAnT to have casual sex in the current climate”
“It’s not worth the risk and men can’t make you orgasm anyway”
Do better, y’all. If casual sex is not for you, then don’t do it. Live your best life. But when every mention of casual sex results in a circlejerk condemning it with hundreds of upvotes, that’s pretty much the same as slutshaming. We don’t really need to do that here.
Yes this sub can be quite conservative at times. I saw that slut thread (and posted in it) and it had a lot of downvotes for the first few hours.
I’ve been downvoted a lot in this sub for talking about enjoying casual sex.
Edit to add: currently enjoying my downvote. Thank you!
I feel like there are so many posts where women vent about their bad male partners and are encouraged to leave them more than anything lol
I find overall this sub is pretty supportive of single people. There’s been a lot of “Women in relationships, are you actually happy” questions, at least from what I’ve noticed. From the singles it’s more just commiserating over issues that come from being single.
As for sex positivity I can’t say I’ve overly noticed? I have noticed a move towards less sex positivity from when I was a teen and in my 20s but honestly, I think it’s a good thing. I was definitely a target of that messaging that being promiscuous was feminist and kind of “girl boss” and a way to own your sexuality and live it up and experience life well. I was shamed a lot in my teens and early 20s by “friends” for being a virgin still.
In hindsight I’ve realized how problematic a lot of that messaging was and how women were still getting the short end of the stick with slut shaming, unfulfilling sex and straight men just being entitled and shitty a lot of the time. Like the patriarchy is still too patriarchical in my opinion for women to get to be totally free and have fun with their own sex lives in a fulfilling way, which sucks.
I’m of the mind that consenting adults should be able to do what they want without judgement as long as it’s not hurting anyone. And I know women who have done the single, lots of partners lifestyle and really have fun with it. But I also think we have to be honest and open, especially with younger women and teen girls that there are drawbacks and concerns to consider. From personal safety to consent issues (“stealthing,” posting things online, etc) to STDs to just having to deal with assholes who only see you as a means to an end and not an actual person. It’s shitty but it’s also the reality of the world we live in.
I hope it doesn’t result in an over correction back into more conservative, super slut shaming territory. But like everything else there is nuance and I don’t think we do anyone any favours by thinking one way of life is good or bad.
>I was under the impression that this sub skewed progressive
I honestly have the opposite impression mostly
I think I’m shocked sometimes by how not sex positive people are and that’s on me. But also all
The cheating concern posts on here kinda track
I don’t think so. Almost every response to a recent post was “yasss girl!”
If you want to exclusively hear from women who have the same opinion as you, how do you want to know if you are “imagining things”? Personally, I have not noticed any of that. We tend to in general see and notice posts, comments, etc. that bother us. It doesn’t mean there is a general trend.
Btw I believe the least love here is reserved for (married) mothers / parents.
So I think I GAVE one of those responses – I DID have a wild phase in my 20s and I HAVE settled down now with a child. Perhaps you’re speaking on me or not, but I never intended to come across like that’s the end game or anything, but it would be remiss to share my experiences from 15 years ago without acknowledging how things may have changed in that time. But I don’t actually recall thinking any of the posts were negative or judgy, so perhaps we’re both reading in to things differently. Not to invalidate you experiences, but I guess we tend to read what we want to in the absence of tone and stuff?
I think it’s silly to pursue casual sex in the current environment (between men not caring about women’s pleasure, men pushing back against having to wear condoms/birth control being mostly on women’s shoulders, and if you’re in the US – the attempt to remove the right to abortion access). But I don’t care if other women do it.
I’m not someone who does casual sex – never been into it conceptually. So when I see a question about casual sex, I just move along because it’s not relevant to me and I’d have nothing to add to the discussion. I would also solidly not classify myself as “sex positive”.
I think there’s a pushback against the rampant sex positivity that was going for a bit with every kink under the sun being A-OK – the whole “your kink is not my kink and that’s ok” trend that was common in the 00’s and 10’s. I can’t say I’m unhappy to see that, personally.
But I think centering yourself as some all-important force for women to perceive you as a “threat” is a pretty ridiculous question to ask. I don’t think people think about you or your life choices, OP, as much as you may hope.
This sub is very conservative when it comes to sex, drug use, drinking, “slutty” behaviour. Even things like wearing makeup are often frowned on.
This sub represents a very specific type of woman and unfortunately is not super welcoming to women who don’t conform.
I did see some of that bias in the hoe-phase post awhile back. Can’t say it’s prevalent but it definitely exists.
TLDR:
“As of January 2025, Reddit has an estimated 1.1 billion monthly unique visitors. That’s an increase from 864.6 million monthly unique visitors in January 2024.”
For reference Reddit Weekly Active Users: Q1 2021= 201.9 million.
Source: Reddit ( https://investor.redditinc.com/financials/sec-filings/default.aspx )
Anti-single? No. But yes, it’s pretty slut shamey here. But Reddit is a mainly American app and our culture is born out of Puritanical culture in all of its misogynistic glory.
The value proposition for casual sex between STI risk, pregnancy risk, risk of SA/physical violence, and emotional entanglement is often not sufficient for many women. Women should support women, but there is a difference between not agreeing with that lifestyle and not pursuing casual encounters personally and being mean to women who choose that lifestyle. Women should be supportive and information-based and try to teach other how to stay safe, whenever possible.
I’ve noticed people here sometimes tell women who post that wanting to connect with men sexually is sort of a devaluing of the self. When did we become so self hating that something as basic and pleasurable as sex is looked upon like this…super weird imo.