This past year has been shitty. Despite having beautiful, monumental moments with my partner that have culminated to this moment… I feel like a failure.
I was determined to get into shape and feel my most beautiful self, and my wedding is in two days. Dress fits and everything is ready, but I hate how my body feels.
My dad has been in hospital and now long term care for well over a year now, his health is still quite unstable and he can’t attend events. My fiance and I are having an elopement but in the year since we got engaged, I piled on about 14 lbs instead of losing 10 lbs to reach my goal weight. (so basically i’m around 25lbs over my normal weight now) and I just feel like trash. I almost can’t wait for the day to be over because i’m embarassed to be photographed and have to look at myself later.
I think maybe the stress of this year is catching up to me or something because I just feel like absolute garbage and I don’t want to go home and have my partner see this so I need a pep talk.
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Hey, I am so fucking sorry you have been dealing with this, especially with your dad’s illness. Is there any way you can postpone the wedding/elopement? As important as it is to love the body you’re in, I think I’d also be devastated if I were 25 lbs above my fighting weight at my wedding. Or, since you’re having an elopement – maybe you could do that now and then have a “full” wedding when you are back down to a weight that makes you feel beautiful again.
I didn’t go into my wedding preparations having a goal of losing weight, but by the time the day rolled around I was probably at my heaviest weight as an adult. I was the opposite, I wasn’t stressed, I was happy. When I’m stressed I lose my appetite, when I’m happy I like to eat.
I wasn’t unhappy with my body on the day, quite frankly I couldn’t have cared less. My dress fit fine. But then I got the pictures back. I’ve always had a bit of an issue with dysmorphia—-seeing my photo can be really jarring for me because it’s so different from what I see in the mirror.
So I’m not super happy with the photos, and not just because of how I looked (I should’ve gone with another photographer). But that doesn’t change how I feel about the day.
Just wanted to offer a little bit of hope. I had gained a significant amount of weight due to a toxic job and stress eating. My mom had brought it up even after I said don’t comment on my body. I had two choices turn to dieting to lose weight or accept it. I had a history of eating disorders and I knew I could not lose the weight in a healthy way. I decided I didn’t want it go into marriage carrying the weight of relapse. I also know I wasn’t in a place mentally to lose weight without becoming extreme. I went with my close friend. I got my dress taken out. I felt the most beautiful I had ever felt. I didn’t notice the weight gain. I was able to look at my photos without hating myself. I did what I needed to for me not to please my mom.
It sounds like you have a lot going on and I know for me when body image gets bad it’s not always about weight gain but feeling out of control. Not knowing how to cope with big emotions. Not wanting to face the other things. I would personally wait to get eloped because I would hate to regret my wedding due to not feeling comfortable in my body. I hope you can get to a place where you can find peace and have the wedding you dream of. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this.
Ok. Here’s the good news.
From what you’ve written, it is clear that you and your partner are deeply in love. Having a safe, supportive primary relationship is the win here, married or not. Your partner is standing by your side as you navigate what sounds like a really challenging time.
You’ve got that. That’s in the bag. So if you want to, you could go in 2 days and look deep into your partners eyes to acknowledge and celebrate your special place in each others hearts and lives.
You could, if you wanted, wear something else, something you’re more comfortable in.
You could also, if you wanted, try to postpone.
The main thing is, you are not in this life alone. You’ve already won.
Sorry your father is sick. It’s understandable that weight goals weren’t prioritized. Whenever, one of my family or pets are sick, I feel the same way.
You won’t think about any of this once you are in your dress. Your photos will be a time capsule to how happy you were with your new husband! Try not to worry in the meantime. Weddings are really stressful and it’s easy to pick yourself apart when you’re the bride. Be kind to yourself, eat the cake, drink the champagne, and enjoy your special day!
I hate, so much, that we think we don’t deserve happiness, or good things, unless we are thin. It’s such bullshit. You are not trash!
Weight gain is not a failure. You are not a failure just because you gained weight. It’s a part of life, especially for women. We typically gain/lose weight throughout our life- whether it be from puberty, pregnancy, stress/hormones, menopause, being busy, not having time to exercise enough, whatever- but it’s not a moral failing.
I’m sorry diet culture has taught us- and you- that you are not beautiful, or deserving of a fabulous wedding day, because you don’t think you are skinny enough. You are not less lovable, or loved, because you are 25 lbs heavier than you wanted to be for this one special occasion. I’m sure you will look beautiful, and your fiancé and your family and friends will think so, as well. And someday, when you are old and grey, you will look back on your photos and marvel at how beautiful you looked, and hopefully, feel silly that you were so worried about a few extra pounds on one of the happiest days of your life.
Don’t postpone or delay your life until you reach some arbitrary goal weight.
I moved states 4 days before my wedding and had to haul the wedding things between two states for the state the event and our family is in. I’m petite and I gain 7 lbs during that move week. My tailor was an asshole about letting out from of my dress. It is what it is. Life happens.
For the record I do not count my wedding even close to the top days I felt beautiful. I looked good but I got married at 24 and I was still finding myself in a lot of ways.
A friend of mine didn’t like her wedding photos, and ended up recreating/taking them a few years later. It sounds unusual, but she was much happier with the retakes and said that they felt more true to her and still feel special. So FWIW, even if you dont love your pics, that could be an option — it might help release some of the pressure for the photos and you can create a new memory/experience around them
I’ve gained almost 20 pounds since I bought my dress a year ago.
It’s the stress and the yukness of the year getting to you… your brain will lie to you and look for things to be mean about because you don’t feel great so you’re looking for a reason to feel bad because your stressed… around and around… because brains suck!
Be nice to yourself, you have done a great job to get through the tough things and you deserve to feel excited and happy about getting to marry the guy you love… you deserve it no matter the number on a scale or the size of the dress.
Just fill yourself up with nice words and talk firmly to yourself that you won’t accept the negative shit talk from YOU any more… stop raining on your own parade.
Make out with your fiancé and remind each other that marriage is about being a kick arse team forever and not about the day or the photos or your family… and not letting other people get to you because you have already won life and found someone who is in love with you as much as you should love yourself… no one else matters. You two against the world ‘fuck the haters’… even if it’s coming from the inside! It’s allllll lies and they’re just jelly you’re winning 😉