Does anyone else one feel tired of doing it all as a single woman?
I’m in a new relationship but was single for 3+ years so know the horrors of dating.
I was talking to a single friend and we were discussing that it isn’t acknowledged how exhausting it is being responsible for EVERYTHING while single.
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Paying rent/bills – no 2nd income as back up. My friend is scared to change career paths as it will mean studying and pay cut – can’t do this as she pays 100% of rent so too risky.
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nothing will increase your financial stability more then having a 2nd income. Everything is based on 2 people.
-Always cooking and washing up. No break as no one else will do it.
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planning weekends, doing all the emotional labour.
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no concrete support. I work with eastern cultures and they all have a strong family and support structure. In the west we rely on someone having a romantic partner only and if you don’t have this, most of us will struggle. I mean for big things like paying rent/buying a house/emergencies.
I know lots of women have useless partners who do nothing or are abusive (been there) but I mean decent, functional partners are a massive help in day to day life (regardless of gender) but it’s taken for granted and not acknowledged how much harder single people have it.
Life is stressful, expensive and exhausting for most of us women – doing it alone is a huge accomplishment!
Comments
What do you mean planning weekends?
I will say when I realized I didn’t want a partner just more money I just accepted it😭
It’s hard as hell, but I’d personally much rather struggle alone then have to rely on someone else in any major and/or regular capacity. Not to mention the potential for, as you mentioned, a pretty useless partner that just makes everything 2x harder. I did that in my early/mid twenties and won’t be doing it again. It’s just not a lifestyle that works for my mental health really, the same way it definitely wouldn’t hurt financially to get a weekend job but it would be vastly more detrimental to my mental health. It’s a balance and sometimes it sucks, but it’s the life I’ve chosen for myself and what I make work.
Yes, we do all the cooking, washing up, laundry, cleaning, but it’s also just for one person. If you had someone to switch with (provided that someone was willing to do half of all chores), there’d be more food to cook (and two different palates to please), more dishes to clean, more laundry and everything from bathroom to living room would get dirty more quickly, when two people use it.
Only thing I get tired of is the lack of emotional support.
I actually LOVE paying for stuff on my own. When I lived with my B/F we were not more finiancialyl stable. we just had more shit. We used up all the extra income on a bigger apartment, two automobiles, two insurance policies, higher utilies, etc. etc. Really the only that ended up being cheaper when I was in a relationship was dining out and streaming services. When we broke up I found it much easier to save and now I’m a home owner.
I also LOVE cooking and cleaning on my own because I’m picky. I’m too hard on others when it comes to that.
That’s called being a functional adult
Being a single woman is not different from being with a useless partner. A married woman still had to do everything PLUS children unless she married a good man who does share responsibilities and duties.
It’s 100% best that a woman doesn’t need to rely on a man for a 2nd income. That’s where people fall into a trap. What if you split up down the line? You’d need to be able to take care of yourself any way, best you are independent before getting into a partnership. 2nd income enhances, and is not the only way. Always live within your means and never be dependent on someone for their income.
I understand where you’re coming from!! But! I think a lot of it stems from “wanting what you don’t have…yet”. So in my case, when I was single/dating, I used to dream about having a life with someone, sharing roles and responsibilities, having someone to lean on, having someone around always, always having support second income, holidays etc, but, now that I am married and have kids, I look back on my old life and think “wow, how nice did I truly have it!” You don’t have to answer to anyone, you don’t have to be always on it by taking care of your kids and your spouse too and also trying to make time for yourself… you can’t just up and leave or make spur of the moment trips…
I remember when we were all super sick in the house, and I remember wishing that someone could just take care of all of us, or that I was alone to just take care of myself because it was so hard trying to take care of everyone including myself when I was feeling like shit…
I work with a lot of young single people, and often times they’re like “oh I wish had someone to share my responsibilities with…” and while that is great to want that, I think there’s something to be said about having this time truly all for yourself, working on yourself, prioritizing yourself, discovering what you really want… when I look back at those times, they were honestly some of the best times of my life if that makes sense
No. It’s way more freeing not to be tied to some other adult in anyway, shape, or form.
Being a single-mom is enough peopling and caring about someone else for me. I’d hate to have to deal with another person.
I barely make it each month for bills, but I’m certainly not interested in dating someone to fix that…I’d be taking on a whole new set of issues, regardless if I had kids or not.
Best decision of my life was decide to be single. I don’t have any stress whatsoever and I don’t miss sharing my life with anyone. I come home whenever I want and is not answerable to anyone. I cook whenever I want and I control my finances myself. Never ever will I go back to have a man in my life again. Being single is bliss.
I am extremely lucky to have chosen a life partner who has his shit together. We are both not perfect – but he enjoys taking lead despite saying he does everything 🤣
Honestly, no. In my experience, men don’t seem to make these things easier. When I’m dating, I’m still doing the planning and emotional labor. When I lived with a man, he wanted a big place in a certain area and so he absolutely made sure we maxed out our budget. I have a much harder time keeping up with cooking and cleaning for myself when I’m spending time at someone else’s house, it fucks up my ability to meal plan. My weekend planning is stress-free because I don’t have to worry about keeping someone else entertained. If I change my mind, I change my plan. If I don’t feel like it, I don’t do it. I never have to check in or feel guilty. Literally everything is easier when I’m single. That isn’t to say I want to be single forever, I think the right person would be worth the sacrifice, but it’s always been a sacrifice in my experience.
I guess I do being single different.
I live with a roommate, so I split rent and bills. I have a savings, so switching jobs isn’t scary. I also have supportive parents that are willing to loan me money if necessary. I’m not always cooking and washing up. I order takeout, do some meal prep, cook a lot of easy/quick meals, and have a dishwasher. It’s not that hard? As for planning weekends, I don’t plan that much – I go on a date, or out with a friend, I take a long (usually 15 mile) walk. I hang out at home and enjoy the place I spend rent on. I go to a workout class, get my nails done. Not much to plan out. Idk what emotional labour even means.
As for concrete support, where is your family and friends? Are they not your support? I have my family and my few but close friends for support.
Idk, I don’t consider being and living single a huge accomplishment. It’s not that hard or exhausting. I think it’s more exhausting to be in a relationship.
I’ve been single all my life. I guess I’m so used to living like this that I don’t really think of it as difficult. I’ve never even considered that it could be another way.
I wish I had more time to do it all as a single woman. I only did it for two years, and I miss it. It was the freest time in my life.
Even when partnered up, I won’t live either anyone. The annoying parts aren’t worth it.
Sometimes, but the freedom makes it 100% worth it (for me.) Sure, I have to make all my own decisions, but I also don’t answer to anyone.
Lol, love being downvoted for giving a perspective that was asked for, and is just my own. How fragile are you?
Dual income is largely overrated. Most people simply adjust living standards.
It only matters if both partners were financially savvy before hand.
It’s more common the financially responsible individual (the woman most likely) gets burned by someone not on their level.
You’ll be surprised how very few men are reliable, dependable or successful. If anything, they want a woman in their lives so she will do all those house chores you mentioned which men don’t want to do.
Not to mention, getting you pregnant and expecting you to carry all the labor.
Not really because I actually find 80% the time being with a man is more hassle for me. Messing up my place, cleaning after them. I also don’t expect men to pay for me nor will/can most of them let’s not kid ourselves.
I’ve only probably been in 2 relationships where the guy added value to my life financially (provided somewhat) and contributed to chores like cooking and cleaning. Men are not there for that sort of thing they are there for sex, company/fun times and if they’re a good one emotional support.
I feel like there’s a little “all lives matter” going on in the responses to this post and trying to make it a competition. Being with a partner, having a family, having kids is hard. No one disputes that. But being single is hard too, in a different way. It’s not a zero sum game.
I know exactly what OP is talking about. I am single, never married, no kids, mid 40s. Overall I love my life and I value my freedom and independence, but it has its challenges. I’ve been stressed with work lately – if I’m about to have a melt down, I have to calm myself down or talk to chatgpt lol. I don’t have the built in support system that people in families/relationships have. If I’m sick, I have no one to help take care of me. Have to rely on friends to be emergency contacts. There are times when it can be very, very exhausting to do all the mental labor.
This isn’t to undermine other women’s experiences. We all have it hard! But it would be nice for a little empathy on both sides.
Mhh yeah, I hear it. Today I just felt SOOOO annoyed by extra sound. As in music and podcasts, because I truly always have something in my ears because I’m doing a lot of activities by myself.
And I did ask myself if it’s a man or just solitude. And to be honest, it’s solitude. Living far from family and most close friends is not so ideal. And worse when you’re single.
No, i think it’s nice to have a partner to do stuff together, but I’m not tired of living independently, which is pretty much what you mentioned. I do everything around my house and I pay my bills, I don’t have to clean the mess of anybody else.
I think more women need to consider the Golden Girls model of living. Multiple incomes. Shared expenses and upkeep. Companionship. Seems like a good idea to me.
Nope.
I’m glad this post acknowledges with no kids too because it’s still hard
I’m glad this post acknowledges with no kids too because it’s still hard
I’ve been doing life and adulting myself for a while now. It isn’t exhausting when you have a routine for it. It requires some planning, budgeting, remembering but you would do those things in a relationship as well. Sometimes even more.
Girl, I lost my husband in January to cancer. I’m alone with 9 years old and I have no idea why our laundry baskets fill up with a speed of light. It’s Sunday afternoon instead of chilling with my family I am cleaning my house. Life’s as single person sucks and I can’t see me staying one for to long.
Single men have been doing this forever.
I say this all the time and get downvoted. A college degree or a high paying job isn’t the ticket out of poverty anymore. It’s a dual income.
The grass is not greener on the other side. Both are hard. Both take work. Both require sacrifice. Life is hard, alone or partnered. It’s how we choose to see things that really create our perspective.
Ffs, why can a single woman not find elements of single life hard, without hearing a constant refrain of, “at least you’re not with a shitty partner”?
Other people having a lousy relationship/spouse doesn’t make the single woman’s life easier. It’s just dismissive and invalidating.
If your friend breaks her leg, do you sympathise and acknowledge her pain, or do you brush it off with, “at least they didn’t amputate”?
It can be tiring but it’s rewarding! No man can tell me what to do or what not. I don’t really rely on other people to pay my bills, call me stubborn but even if I struggle, I will work hard to pay own expenses cause people sometimes be saying those things they did to you down the line and you will feel manipulated. So I refuse to participate in that.
When I had partners, even if I was only in their place on a weekend, they made me pay half of their groceries which is basically theirs. When I had a partner stayed for the weekend in my place, they never paid a single penny for groceries because it’s my food. I’m sharing it to them. Some men aren’t capable of providing and that’s a shame.
So I’d rather be single until the right person who is willing to provide and split expenses with me without resentment comes along. I don’t want to be in a transactional relationship with a man pretending to love me.
I was talking with some family about this not too long ago. We are not meant to do life alone. My cousin always talks about how well I’m doing but I’m like, I’m not because everything falls on myself. I have no issue being independent but the reality set in the more I go on this way I will NEVER be able to purchase a home, save enough for retirement and enjoy the fruit of my labor occasionally with a vacation or two a year. As grateful as I am that I’ve been able to do it all alone, I’m very ready for some 😮💨relief
It’s true. And even a woman with a shitty partner is using him for some kind of safety feature, even if that safety feature never kicks in. Like the sense of IF there’s an emergency and I’m choking, someone can do CPR. IF the house is burning down there are two people to figure out how to respond. IF there’s a man in the house, there’s more of security around a potential break-in, or stalkers, whatever.
Geez, what on earth is up with a lot of the comments here? Of course you’re not talking about having to pick up after some useless slob, but comparing having to do it all on your own to halving life’s burdens with a genuine partner. I’m sorry, OP! I have so much sympathy for you, but also admiration. I do love being married but must acknowledge how much softer life is this way; how complacent I can sometimes be because I know my husband will take care of things. Life was much more work when I was single and as a result I was stronger and more ferocious.
So, I have a tonne of respect for anyone actually thriving on their own but I also recognise how much more work it is, how much more tiring and draining a successful single life (yes, especially as a woman from a Western background) is. Sending you love, OP 💗
I have always been single so I don’t have another experience to draw from. I know the single life has got its downsides, of course, but they just aren’t apparent to me since this is what I’ve always known as an adult.
Whenever I imagine how nice it would be to share living expenses with someone else, I think about the inconveniences of sharing living space with someone else. Dealing with their junk and noise. And whenever I imagine how great it would be to have someone to split house chores with, I think about all the partnered women out here who do most of the housework anyway because their partners refuse to do their part. And whenever I imagine how nice it would be to have someone take care of me when I’m sick, I think about how challenging it would be to have to take care of a sick partner in addition to dealing with my own issues.
I guess I don’t see life as a single woman as a huge accomplishment in this day and age as long as you have a decent and stable income and you’re psychological OK with being single. I kind of feel like women who are in healthy relationships have it so much harder than women like me do. My free time is pretty much always going to be devoted to myself, not to another person. I don’t have to stress out over whether I’m holding up my end of the bargain or being “enough” for someone else. I don’t have to do any physical or emotional labor that doesn’t serve me directly. Yes, my bills are larger. But for me, the financial costs of singlehood are outweighed by the benefits.
Yes, I’m so tired of it. I take myself on dates and I travel solo and I’ve done a ton of bucket list things since my last boyfriend but I’m sitting here on a Sunday morning stressed because I want to do something and have no plans and am just not in the mood to drive two hours alone to the mountains today 😂🤦♀️
That being said, the loneliest I’ve ever been was in my last relationship, so I’m thankful that’s not my life anymore, but I feel like my friends who are in happy relationships just get to live life on a slightly easier mode than I do
Believe it or not, I chose to live alone. I used to live with flatmates to share on at least rental costs but eventually I was able to buy a flat where the monthly payment for the mortgage wasn’t too much more than my previous share of the rent.
I did initially plan to rent out the extra room for additional income, but the pandemic came and went, and by now I got used to having the entire flat to myself and didn’t want to compromise the privacy so I just kept doing that. I at least still have that option in the future if finances become tight.
As for the emotional support and all the other hardships – yes it IS hard and I don’t keep the cleanest house because of it. I don’t cook much and tend to rely a lot on outside food. But I’m enjoying being accountable only to myself and I am happily paying the singles tax to keep living this way. I suppose my emotional needs aren’t as much as others, I’m happy with just chatting online with family and friends from my home country, with occasional hangouts with local friends and colleagues here. It helps that I’m an introvert and ace to boot so that’s one more thing off my plate.
“nothing will increase your financial stability more then having a 2nd income. Everything is based on 2 people.”
I was actually going to post about this today! I’m single in a time when my closest friends are happily coupled and they are all so financial secure. We talk about this stuff, so I’m not assuming.
My friend is taking a risky new job but she is fine because her partner has investments and some inheritance and also a good job. Another friend’s husband’s grandmother passed away and left them enough money to pay off their house and then some.
I know I’m just sensitive to it right now, and things change, but.. Yes.
It doesn’t bother me to do everything alone because honestly, I have peace and can do everything on my timeline. What does bother me is that I have no one to lean on, no one to talk to and no one to share things with. That makes me feel empty.
It definitely don’t see it as hard and obviously being in good relationship would be good if you find a partner who genuinely shares your same values and future goals. But i love being single, taking care of myself and putting the energy i would put into a relationship to myself has been so rewarding. I am so grateful and privileged to sustain a life on my own and but compared to the other side, I don’t see my single life as anything but my work for freedom and peace. Everything that goes into it at the end of the day benefits me and me only rather than having expectations for someone who would go on to not meet it and now we’re all disappointed. Hard is very very relative.
I’ve always found that I save money when I’m not partnered. I’m always surprised by how my savings grow when I’m not taking care of a “household” – aka me plus someone else.
This is probably because of my tendency to care for people in my household financially – it’s how I show love. But that financial care isn’t really reciprocated. Previous relationships were abusive and selfish. My current husband is underemployed due to caring for ill relatives. I don’t mind this setup, because my husband does all of the cooking, shopping, and cleaning – I’m truly a 1950s husband, meaning that when I’m done working for the day, I put my feet up and don’t do jackshit except rest.
But in between relationships, I’ve always had more money for myself.
yes! but i did everything myself, and i know it was harder than my sister, mom, friends with spouses (especially legal spouses). i bought a condo by myself, got a bunch of degrees by myself, pay everything myself. and i don’t make a lot of money- it’s hard! i have a bf now, but i did all the big things independently. i feel my friends with spouses do not understand how much harder it all is for the reasons you mentioned. especially the ones in my field- they don’t understand how much they would struggle without their legal spouses!
All the above things aren’t what stress me out as a single woman. It’s the last one for me. It can be lonely at times.
I’m laughing that you want someone to plan your weekend. Girl, just have your weekend.
American culture is hyper individualism and capitilism. These days if you’re not already privledged or have a job that pays well you’re absolutely going to struggle.
We have no walkable cities. The majority of us are working so much just to afford basic needs. Parents have no time to actually parent their kids let alone people form long lasting relationships. This country wants us sick and desperate. The working classes wellbeing was never a priority. Its about what can the ruling class can extract/exploit from us. That’s why they’re bitching about birth rates and wanting to keep up with production by banning abortions and keeping women down and in finacial hardship. Cuz everything is about putting profit over people. You will not survive without the help of others. Now that facisim is here it’s going to get a lot worse.
They don’t want women to be independent and it’s working. They want a toxic nuclear family values.
No, I actually find doing everything by myself much easier. I’m a single mom and I like it.
This isn’t about having a partner or not this is about having a support network.
I get exhausted as well because I am a single mother of a 9 y/o and financially “independent” (Im in debt right now).
The exhaustation comes from: I need more money, I need time for myself, I need freedom, I need to STOP, just stop I always have some shit to do it’s unbearable.
It alls comes down to money 💰 or support from someone who is willing to do monetary or concrete actions to help with your struggles.
If I had more money (not by working more hours of course cause I work 45 hours a week) I would pay for help…
I like having to do all of that myself. Only having to deal with my own finances, choosing when and what I want to eat, only having to go to my own social events, no significant others’ friends and family to deal with. It would be nice to have that second income to be able to buy a house but that’s not worth all the other aggravation.
Lol, not I. I don’t view it like that when it’s just me. I find it more of a burden having to work with someone else for chores duty and planning things. I always feel that there isn’t a balance and that annoys me.
I love being independent and enjoy alone time. But I’m trying to buy a house and I cannot find anything in my single income budget. And when I do get a house, everything is on me for repairs. Being single can be really expensive. And when I go back to the office, it would be nice to have a partner that can let my dog out if I’m running late. But I’d choose being by myself than being with the wrong partner.
Honestly yes, sometimes it’s hard and I’m thinking about how it would feel to have someone and share all the hard sides of life but on the other side I’m realizing I never had that with any of my previous partners either. Most of my relationships made my life harder.
I was speaking about this with some of my married friends. I told them that I’m less likely to take risks because I am the sole provider. I work full-time and I’m in a doctoral program (I don’t pay tuition). I was offered a well paid part time internship that came with a guarantee of a job that would be life changing. Life. Changing.
I couldn’t do it. Logistically I couldn’t. The part-time internship pay didn’t cover my bills. I’d have to leave my full-time position in order to go to the part-time. I thought about doing the internship and getting a part-time job to see if I could make up the cost, but then my tuition wouldn’t be paid any longer. Now I’ll incur another cost in addition to my other bills that I’m trying to pay on 2 part-time jobs for about 2 years.
If I had a partner, I wouldn’t have to worry about paying full rent. I could maybe pay half or 25% until I graduate. But these career risks for advancement are harder for me because there’s no safety net, there is no additional income, there is no one to hold me up while I climb.
The family support in eastern culture goes the other way, too. Just like grandparents might be helping lots right now with the house and young children, you would be expected to be looking after them and their home as they become more frail. It is very difficult if you are working full-time and your children are not yet adults. Putting an elder in a nursing home is unheard of, even if they are paralyzed or otherwise severely disabled. It’s not a one-way street and nothing to romanticize. Source: am from an Eastern culture.
I have executive function issues due to my neurotype, and it often feels exceptionally difficult to “do it all” alone. I work full-time, go to engineering school, and try to have a life because otherwise I’d be isolated, which would degrade my mental health even more. I’m in a new relationship despite knowing I wouldn’t have time to prioritize it while I’m in school, but I fell in love so we are forging ahead. I had a conversation with him the other day about how I’m struggling lately, and he’s been so supportive. More supportive than literally anyone I’ve ever been close to before. In the past, I was labeled as being needy for having needs and punished for asking for help. Now it’s incredibly difficult for me to communicate my needs or ask for support because I don’t know how, and I don’t know what that looks like in a healthy relationship.
Thankfully, I am able to communicate this to my new partner. He is patient and very good to me. We want to live together because we adore each other, but have also been able to discuss that I need help, and he wants to help me. I am tired of doing it alone. The only reason I’m open to living together, however, is because I trust him to make my life easier, not harder. He does what he says. And he doesn’t even need to do anything extra to be helpful – mirroring his executive function has been super beneficial for me. (I was emotionally neglected through childhood, so I struggle with self-discipline, too).
Yes. We’re only human.
I’m in flatshare at the moment and I cannot wait till few years from now till I will be able to live by myself. The only thing I miss is someone I can spend time with, cuddle to someone and get forehead kisses.
Yes I am tired. I hope we are able to build more community so that the norm of relying on a romantic partner goes away. I have a friend who lives nearby, she’s divorced and has a lot of friends due to being an extrovert and living in this city a lot longer than I have. It takes conscientious effort for me to rely on her but it’s so worth it. Asking for help is hard, but people generally like to be asked and that’s how you build a support network.
Hm, yeah I am tired of doing everything myself, especially with disabilities, and especially when I take on some really questionable tasks to diy.
But, I don’t really see any other way to live. I don’t want a partner who is just my sidekick who does whatever I say, but I don’t see them doing much to meaningfully help me in other dynamics.
Nope, paying your bills and planning your weekends is being an ADULT.
It’s just so exhausting sometimes. You never get a real break. My married friends invite me over for dinner every few weeks. The husband makes everything start to finish, dishes up our plates, and brings them to his wife and me while we sit and chat in the living room. He doesn’t let either of us lift a finger. I remember one time telling her what an absolute treat it was to have someone cook for me and even bring me the plate…she said “oh yeah, I guess you’re right, it is nice! I don’t really think about it because it happens every day” and I just about started crying on the spot hahah. She works hard too of course, but I just cannot imagine the relief of having someone else do all the cooking? Every day??? What a DREAM!
Yeah, I don’t love having a roommate in my mid/late 30s. I’m used to doing everything myself (and most apartment stuff, too).
Financially it’s challenging being single- I can’t travel as much as I want (hotels and air b&bs are expensive!), have to get my own Ubers/rides, and spend the time and money to do all the own errands- grocery shopping, get gas, etc.
I think life is definitely easier for dual-income households.