26M, I think my relationship is ending and I am distraught over this. I thought this was the one just like everyone always does fine. But I really did. The first year was picture perfect, then life got hard and it just got so difficult for us. Sometimes love isn’t enough and that sucks.
I don’t want to date after this. I am too sensitive and can’t handle the inevitable breakup that seems to always come. And the longer it goes on the harder that breakup is. You either get married and probably eventually get divorced or break up before then. It’s so heartbreaking and tragic knowing every relationship you start will probably end eventually. Even the few old couples I know who have been married for decades, they eventually seem to resent each other and just stick around out of habit.
It’s scary, I’m so skeptical now if lifelong love existing. Everyone will change, life changes and we usually break up. I can’t keep taking it. Meet a stranger you think is cute, get to know them, fall in love, build a life together and BOOM tragedy heartbreak, back at square one. Repeat. It sucks.
Has anyone chosen not to date anymore? How has it gone for you?
Comments
i think people our age are extremely bad at putting an argument down when it’s done and leaving it at that
too many break ups are happening because of these things, people are entirely different creatures and we’re all going through life differently, but an argument or rough patch shouldn’t be the end of things it should be the start of a conversation to say what do we need to do to get closer again?
in all don’t let a downfall keep you there, downs are necessary to go up again, i keep battling with wanting to date/not and wanting too always takes the cake
i’m not in a period of meeting anyone while my confidence regains itself after gaining some weight but the desire to be with someone is still there
I did, pretty much for the same reasons in addition to a few others – like being an immigrant from an unstable country and having to rebuild my life alone, and growing up in a semi-dysfunctional family. Minus having been through breakups – my trauma comes exclusively from one-sided limerent episodes.
Now that I’m in my 30s I am open to try it because I am beginning to understand how exactly the good parts feel, but there is no way I am approaching it recklessly.
I was in an 11 year relationship that ended when I was your age I’m now 30 and in my second relationship going 2 years strong. I took a 3 year break from dating to just focus on myself. In those three years I did have sex but I was always transparent that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. Towards the end of those three years I felt like I had worked on myself enough to try dating which led me to my now partner who actually was a friend for a year first while I was casually dating. Funny how life works out.
When I say I worked on myself I don’t mean eat, pray, love shit… I mean yea I tried that too but I did therapy to really work through my thought patterns. To be 26 years old and say you never want to date again is just a tad dramatic. Break ups hurt, yes and to take a break from dating isn’t a bad idea but to never do it again because they end in break up or because ppl get old and resent each other is just a hasty decision.
Break ups aren’t always necessarily a bad thing but they hurt and I promise you as long as you don’t sit there and sulk and build up resentment that you will be okay.
As for old couples who build resentment against each other there are a bunch of couples who haven’t. If you look for it you will find it. I work with a mostly geriatric population and when I come across couples who have been happily married for 50+ years I like to ask them what they think made it successful (because I too want a forever with my now partner) and they say communication and talking things out. I’ve also met couples who were married and then divorced and then found what they consider the true love of their life when they were 50 or 60 years old. Some people left and came back together after many years. There’s no one way to do this life shit.
Too sensitive to be able to start a relationship and date? Honestly I kind of understand a bit what boomers are complaining about these days reading this. Maybe a bit of maturity is what you need.
I did.
Honestly, it’s kind of great. I’m the only person I know who is doing consistently well.
All of my friends are in horrible relationships and on the verge of or going through a divorce.
You do miss out on a large part of the human experience. Being in a healthy, loving relationship seems like an amazing thing to experience. Finding that seems to be damn near impossible, though.
Breakups are brutal. But relationships kinda mirror learning a new skill, you gotta put in effort and time to really get good at it. Each one’s a lesson on what to work on for the next attempt. It ain’t about ruling love out forever, just taking the time to level up before diving back in
You need to grow up. According to new research your brain hasn’t even finished developing. Life is full of ups and downs, you are not the first nor the last person going through heartache.
Many of us thought at that age that we had found the one and it turned out we were wrong. We got up and tried again because the alternative is living a meh life with meh feelings. Love is strong and intense and worth the search and work, love isn’t meh.
You’ve barely started the race and you’re already thinking of quitting…
Take it one step at a time OP. You’re still in a relationship, see if there is something to safe still. See if it is something that you would want to put in the work for. And once it would really be over, take some time to just live your life. You don’t have to immediately start dating again. But first, proces the loss that you haven’t even lost yet.
Calm
Lonely
Sometimes meaningful most of the time empty
After having been in maybe 10 failed relationships in my life, I realized that I don’t like relationships / don’t have what it takes to be in one. It’s possible that I don’t know how to share my life with someone. Once I realized this, it was quite liberating! I no longer feel pressure to date or find a partner! I can talk to a pretty girl without being nervous, cuz I have zero desire to pursue her as anything other than a friend. Several of my long time friends live in the same neighborhood, just blocks from each other, and I’ve got to know many of my other neighbors as well. Friends, family, and cats I find a lot more rewarding than a partner.
You’re describing what every person who’s ever dated and broken up has experienced. Not unique at all. You are making this statement in a state of crisis. Do what you want but be a bit more self aware if you want to improve yourself and the lives of others. You’re just spreading negativity instead of saying anything constructive. Godspeed.
I kept getting my feelings hurt so I haven’t dated in a while and it’s been fine.
Of course it is lonely sometimes but at the same time I know so many people in relationships that are in them just for the sake of being in a relationship and they’re never happy, like never.
Just try it out and see how it goes for you it’s really all you can do.
Good luck OP.
My current relationship is a bit shaky and I’ve thought to myself if this ends, I’m not dating anymore. I’d rather become a nun than go through these cruel cycles again. I genuinely foresee myself being at peace with such a decision, if it came to be necessary.
The modern dating world is just not very healthy IMO. It’s definitely not what I expected it to be. And I’ve learned that it feels like everyone’s mind is impacted by that reality.
I think your approach is wrong. There is no absolute answer to these things. If you’re not feeling up to it, it’s perfectly fine to put dating on hold and just take a break until you feel ready. Not wanting to date is not a life long decision, you could change it at any moment you feel like you’re ready to get back into the game. Until then take the time to relax, enjoy your life, and focus on being a better and happier you.
I want to date but I don’t know where to start. I tried a couple of apps but it never worked out. Had some nice chats then get ghosted. I’m guessing most of those people are already dating someone or chatting with them through the app and just putting out feelers to upgrade.
I don’t drink or like the bar scene. I don’t want to date someone who smokes. I looked at adult Ed classes in my area but I didn’t find anything interesting. There is not much volunteer work in my area where a lot of people meet.
My wife and I 37M ended our marriage of 13 years 6 months ago. It was the right thing to do and I don’t regret it, but getting over her was the most difficult thing I had to do in my life. For 2 months I barely slept. But the wound does eventually heal, you’ll see.
I think you’re in a bad place to judge what you’ll want to think about when you’ve had some time to breathe and sleep and not be all about someone’s else’s trauma and drama. The person you’re currently with needs you to set her free – she’ll always be able to find someone to step into your same role. She doesn’t remotely value you for the grace you’ve given her: a safe place to land and sustenance while getting herself together. Instead of reciprocating, she’s chosen to crack the relationship all the way to the ground. I recently read somewhere that behavior is a language, and hers is specific.
Once you’ve had a chance to rest and recover from all of this, then think about what you want your life to look like – hobbies/activities, volunteer opportunities, local events, etc. Then go do some of those things, being mindful of what value they’re adding to who you want to be. I think this is the only way to figure out what your place is in the world in relationship to other people: community + activity.
Having said all of that, not dating/having a SO is okay. I miss being part of a partnership, when it was healthy. I don’t miss being the person who needed to facilitate, or running everything past that person, or the negativity. Life is taken up with a ton of meaningful relationships for me, and busy as all heck, but I wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to hang out with a good human. ☺️
Peaceful!
Cant think of it as probably potentially divorced. Do you love that woman? Do you wanna wake up beside her every damn day for the rest of your life even if youre both miserable with the CURRENT situation (situations change with enough effort) and say i love you?
Can you stand the thought of someone else being with her? Does that boil your blood and break your heart?
Then what the hell are you doin on reddit man! Get your ass over there and talk and convey your honest feelings.
Talking and listening honestly are the 2 main ingredients, get deep. But not just you talking, get her input and ideas and bring them to fruition.
A relationship is truly a give and take kinda thing, you are MAKING a family, keep that in mind it doesnt just happen. Remember your own growing up, not every day will be the best sometimes arguments happen, people feel distant, our species have a lot of emotions and each person has a different way of processing their daily life. Recognize that sometimes we just need to shut our asses up and give em a hug n kiss on the head while they talk. Show your love
At the very least youll know youve tried your best. sometimes a relationship ends up being a learning experience to remember in your heart and use the knowledge to find someone you feel compatible with and try again. You dont have to “date” live your life, have fun and enjoy yourself and someone will come along who enjoys you too and youll both want to make it work. Want to build each other up and make each other feel safe, loved and understood.
You got this brudda
I guess the question becomes, were the good times worth the bad? Usually, the answer is yes, which is hilarious coming from me (single for 15 years now at 35).
I have the same feelings when I get a puppy… you unfortunately know you will likely outlive the joy of your life… but I still do it anyways.
You haven’t ended your relationship yet, it’s normal you feel anxious about your future.
Give yourself sometime to heal and know yourself again. Break ups are tough and you pretty much need to learn to do basic stuff on your own.
I personally don’t like to date too soon after a break up. I give myself around a year to heal and grow.
You’ll be ok
Life is fine without a relationship.
I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I plan to move to another country, keep studying, and keep improving while my friends pour all their time, money, and energy into relationships that most likely won´t last.
Most relationships these days will eventually fall apart. It is just a matter of time until the cheating and breakup begins. It´s ugly.
Sure there are times when I wish I had a relationships but then I only have to think about the downsides and sacrifices. Not worth it.
My story. Years ago I stopped dating after 2 (serious longterm relationships) ended by the men getting married witin weeks to another woman. Both had definately been dating when I thought our relationship was monagmous I decided no man was trustworthy. Five years later my father suggested I should get married. I was against trusting… but after time I tried dating again. I found my now husband of 33 years at age 38. I had to learn to find someone with my set of values. It took me a while. It was worth it.
It’s a good time for you to break TBH even though it sucks.
Around your age is when people finish brain development and really form who they are as an adult.
If/when you find someone you feel compatible with in your late 20s, it much more likely to last the duration than people who get together in their teens or early 20s.
All the friends of my kids whose parents are divorced come from relationships that started well before 25.
You are so lucky to be worth a relationship in the first place. I’m a 35 music professor that’s 4ft2 and have never been worth a first date to the tens of thousands I’ve asked over the decades.
You have no idea how lucky you are. Of course you’re tired of dating. You’ve already experienced more than men like myself ever will in a lifetime
I never really started tbh. The thought of putting so much effort into someone new, when there’s no guarantees of reciprocation is a non-starter for me. I realize that this means being alone, but this, to me, feels better than the unknowns of the other scenario. Dating feels like some serious forced effort, and I feel like expectations across the board are usually insane. I could end up coming around on this, but I’ve been single, what? 7 years now lol. I think I have a ton of things going for me too, but I just can’t manage to muster the motivation to put myself out there.
I am all for people choosing to focus less on romantic relationships and more on platonic ones, building community, etc. More people need to do that. Simultaneously, more people need to ditch their qualms about casual relationships, or alternative sexual/romantic relationship styles. Breakups like this are a great opportunity to explore these options, your sexuality, etc, especially if you’re disillusioned with traditional romantic relationship structures.
However, I think part of the problem you’re running into is the idea of change. This idea that a lack of certainty & permanence is “too tragic to handle,” that you’re “too sensitive.” Love (romantic, and platonic) is about how the good times it brings are always worth the sad ending. Thats why even when we know how it ends, we love again and again. It’s tragic, but you can handle it. If you loved love so much that it hurt you that bad to lose it, down the line I’m sure you’ll want to do it again.
A lot of my favorite works of art are about the tragedy and the joy of change. The game Outer Wilds, The Dispossessed by Ursula K Le Guin, and more. One of my favorite musicals is called Hadestown, and it’s about the tragedy of Eurydice & Orpheus from Greek mythology. The entire story is about change, how brutal the winter can be and how it makes the spring all the more joyous when it returns– even when we know it’ll end, and it’ll be cold and bitter once more. It’s got a really good closing song that goes
It’s a love song / It’s a tale of love from long ago /It’s a sad song / We keep singing even so / It’s an old song / It’s an old tale from way back when / And we’re gonna sing it again and again.
Cause here’s the thing / To know how it ends / And still begin to sing it again
I met husband on Tinder of all places when he was 32 and I was 28. I had almost given up and decided to give it another shot. Now we’re happily married. I think the right person is out there, just try to put less pressure on yourself. Society has a lot to say about this or that, but ultimately it’s up to you to make the life you want.
Not by choice 😞
Back in the day I did it for 6 months. No one noticed.
One word:
Peaceful.
Everyone has too much bullshit.
I also have too much bullshit.
It’s already enough to deal with my own bullshit, I don’t need to add anyone else’s to my pile.
Taking the time to grieve and heal after a breakup is normal. For some people it takes shorter, for some longer, it also depends how the relationship ended, some are harder to heal from than others. But that doesn’t mean that you need to give up on dating forever. Especially not at 26.
You haven’t even broken up yet, of course you’re not over your (maybe) ex yet and have no interest in immediately jumping into a new relationship. Put the existential topics aside, live your life and you’ll probably feel ready to give it another shot before you know it.
I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say I’m in the same place as you right now. 26F, had a very rough conversation with my partner until late last night, and I’m currently crying in bed thinking about the fear of my future.
I guess I decided that because I haven’t been in a relationship for a while and I’m not looking for one. I’m fine. I feel better alone. But I’m a girl though. I’ve noticed that guys seem to crave relationships way more than girls do
I gave up because it just isn’t worth the head ache, I hate rejection, rejecting others and I feel passed around when I kiss these miss matches after a date. Over all I’d be wasting precious time of my one life trying to get something that probably doesn’t even exist. Love actually isn’t worth the pain despite popular belief. Y’all be crashing tf out when u get cheated on so honestly I’m good over all. I’ll always want a partner but at the end of the day I feel protected that I’m not in a relationship or dating because heart break is pretty lame.
Breakups are better than dying alone with no meaningful romantic partner to spend your life with or have a family with in my opinion.
I have become disillusioned with relationships after a separation in September last year. I don’t trust myself enough not to take that baggage with me so deciding to stay single was a no brainer. Trick is just to stay busy and be comfortable in your own space. I often don’t talk for an entire weekend so my voice is croaky answering the phone on a Monday morning.
Take your break but don’t give up completely. It was the same for me in my early to mid twenties..Them I met my future wife just after I broke up with the woman I thought was my future. I was in a really dark place. When I met my wife it was kind of love at first sight. I didn’t used to believe in that but I do now. We’ve been together for 36 years. Married for 34. We been through all kinds of trials but the love remains. I know I’m lucky in that regard.
Been single for almost 14 years.
Yeah. It’s been fine I guess? But that’s just because I mostly learned that I prefer to be on my own and do my own thing.
My hobbies and spending time with my friends are enough for me.
I suppose I’m meant to be forever single in this life… it’s truly unfair and painful
I realized I’m genuinely happier single. Shakira said it really well in an interview “I love love, but I think I love friendship more. I don’t want to grow old with a partner, I want to grow old surrounded by good friends”. That’s how I feel 🙂
Take some time after the split to handle your emotions. At least 6 months. Don’t make any major decisions in that time.
When you have handled them and have truly moved on, you will want to date again