It’s almost cliche that when the nest is empty after a long relationship centered around raising a family, a lot of couples find themselves drifting apart. Who has left? Was someone else a catalyst? How has it gone since? Happy? Regrets?
It’s almost cliche that when the nest is empty after a long relationship centered around raising a family, a lot of couples find themselves drifting apart. Who has left? Was someone else a catalyst? How has it gone since? Happy? Regrets?
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Honestly, we are truly loving the empty nest life. But we didn’t just stay together for the kids. We’ve developed hobbies that we enjoy together, and ones that we do separately for balance.
But, for the most part, things are good.
Many times we stick with a marriage “for the sake of the children”.
What people don’t realize is that kids know.
In most situations, the kids don’t want their suffering parent to be unhappy.
I am divorcing my ex after 27 years of suffering and abuse. My children are adults and are wondering what took me so long.
No but I know 2 people who did
My ex wife left within a couple of weeks. She had planned it for months. I have no idea how she’s doing…don’t care. I’m doing well. Didn’t think I would when it first happened, but things have turned out okay.
My wife thought about it but we got a dog and talked it over. I think there were many factors bothering her, one being change…but after 8 years without the kids we are having the best time together. We really got to focus on us. Taking some fun vacations together helped.
My friend’s husband left her a week after their youngest turned 18. It was terrible because she felt like he must have just been waiting all that time so he wouldn’t have to pay child support.
I know many couples who did this.
Many people do, it’s almost an epidemic.
I know some people who did this. They told me that their kids told them they should have done it a long time ago.
A lot of married people are counting the days until the kids are out of the house so they can dump the spouse. Not uncommon.
Friend of mine saw this happen with her folks. She, as the oldest, could see it was on the way. But the youngest sibling left for college and was shocked at the split.
The parents had married for reasons other than love but mostly liked each other. After they split, they lived far apart. Years later all the kids ended up geographically close to each other, with kids of their own, so my friend’s parents ended up moving close too. They’ll get together on their own occasionally but know never in a million years would they want to live together again.
I left after 29 years of marriage. That was 14 years ago and I’m happy as can be. Best decision ever.
Follow on question, can anyone tell me how to get their second wife’s kids to leave the house?
I used to do volunteer work for a non-profit that provided support for divorced and widowed people.
I noticed the two most common times divorce happened were the 7 to 10 year marriage range and the kids grew up.
For the ones where the kids grew up, some cases, it was one spouse or both “stayed for the kids.” Other times, the focus was on the kids so much that when the kids left, the spouses realized there was nothing between them anymore because they hadn’t focused on each others relationship at all.
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People married over 20 years has been the highest divorce demographic for years.
Everyone in my family and friend group who have been married 20 years or more have had infidelity. (Basically anyone I know well enough to be honest with me and trust me with sharing personal things.)
I wouldn’t put up with it, but people commonly do.
At my youngest’s high school graduation, the dad of one of her friends told me he was moving to another state, had already bought a house there. They told their two kids that morning. I had never seen this guy so happy. His ex is a miserable human being. She didn’t even show up for her daughter’s graduation. Neither kid has a relationship with her.
I was in a terrible marriage and I would’ve stayed in it for my kids until they were adults but lucky for me he decided to cheat and this gave me an out and I was set free from potentially living miserably for 10 – 12 years !
When I look back … I was riddled with anxiety, gaslit and made to feel inadequate but was able to put on a mask for my kids so they didn’t see how broken I was inside.
Anyone who has or is experiencing this in their marriage, I understand why you stay …
I did- once our youngest left for college I realized we had nothing left. I knew it was coming, I had hope I could persevere but I just couldn’t.
That’s my plan. Although a gray divorce seems problematic, then again another 14 years of zero marital intimacy appears equally unpalatable.
My husband developed a sex addiction and decided to cheat. 32 years. I thought we’d stay unhappily married since we were friends. We still have adult kids at home. Last December i discovered the evidence. He gaslit me for 4 months. Turns out the affair is still ongoing. I’m starting over at 50. If someone had told me this is what my life would look like 2 years ago, I’d tell them they’re insane. Shock doesn’t even begin to describe it. Sadly in my state you have to be separated 1 year to file for divorce. It’s been 4 months, I’m counting the days.
There are 3 main reasons why people remain married in an unhealthy relationship:
(1) Religion
(2) For the sake of the children
(3) Financial
I did after 24 years of marriage. I kept hoping things would get better, but told myself that if things hadn’t improved by the time the kids left, I would leave. I didn’t see the point in making the kids go through a divorce and upending their lives because I was unhappy. I tried hard to make it work but I just couldn’t see me living the rest of my life with someone who I had grown to dislike. That was almost 20 years ago and I’m much happier. So is he.
My parents didn’t leave the marriage but they did leave the shared bedroom… after my baby brother went off to college our parents finally quit with the charades and just had separate rooms and lives pretty much. My dad said he wouldn’t get a divorce because it wouldn’t be fair to my mother since “she threw her career away to raise my kids”. So they just lived basically separate lives until my mom died in 2020.
I left when my youngest was 18. I just couldn’t take it anymore. He admitted to a family member that he treated me horribly. The first few years were difficult financially and emotionally, but I’m much happier.
I did. He was an alcoholic and a shit husband. I worked, as a TA because I needed to be on the same schedule as the kids. He was never available. I knew I had to increase my income so I went back to school and eventually I took a much better job with a much better salary, and when the youngest left for college I ended it. It was the right decision for me. I have never been happier in my life.
My second husband and I were together for 18 years and each had a child the same age, a boy and me a girl. I thought we had a good life. It was sexless until I had gastric bypass surgery when the kids were 16. I tried to make our marriage work again but my husband wasn’t interested in me in the slightest with my new weight loss. A week after my daughter’s graduation he served me with divorce papers. A few months later when I was 50 I had a heart attack and he didn’t acknowledge me in the slightest then either. I found out he had remarried the week before to a woman he met at a bar who was heavier like I used to be. They’re still together 17 years later. Good for him. I stayed single and found happiness being a grandma recently. That and my pets. I never understood what happened really I could only guess at that point. Made me very insecure for a long time.
We’ve been married 70 years we’re just waiting for the children to die to get divorced.
Cue the “get divorced now for the kids’ mental health” crowd. Funny how what you want logically becomes what is best for the kids.
I stayed for my step kids. I moved out right before the youngest graduated. We still hang out. They’re the best.
That is the second most common time to get a divorce – empty nest divorce.
The first common time is at 5-7 yr mark.
We had those years where the kids came first and there was no time for me form her. And no time for her from me cause I was working hard trying to make a living and keep us afloat. Sound familiar? I’m betting that’s true in 80% of marriages. But, how it goes from there is where we diverted.
We talked about divorce. I ALMOST screwed up with another woman. But didn’t.
We decided to work for us. And we did. I admit she did more work than I did on self improvement. She was fighting depression and some health issues. So we argued and we communicated till we communicated way more than we argued.
And now. We are closer and better than before. Sex is great at 60+ and we are expanding what our relationship means.
My first husband left me a few months after our child turned 18. It hurt at first, plus he was harassing me, but after a few months of misery and tears, I sucked it up, and started dating. I loved it, met my second husband to be, and never looked back at old sourpuss.
I know a couple of couples (!) like that. Turned out that the kids were the only thing they had in common.
Every marriage comes with its own set of unique reasons for either staying together or deciding to part ways. In our case, we had one child with challenges that required our united support. We chose to remain together to help our child successfully launch into adulthood, recognizing that it took two strong, loving parents to keep everything on track. My ex and I both understood that I, as a single parent with other children, wouldn’t have been able to manage raising a teenager facing difficulties, a career, and maintaining a home.
We ultimately divorced shortly after our “problem” child went off to college, and I can confidently say that this decision led to positive outcomes. Our child has since become a successful, responsible professional with a wonderful spouse. It was a challenging journey, but we did what was necessary and maintained an amicable relationship, even during the most stressful times.
Our children loved us both, and while it was painful for them to see us drift apart, they understood that the divorce was the right choice for everyone involved. Now, as we enjoy our older years, we are both living fulfilling lives while loving our children and grandchildren. We take pride in all our kids, including our once-troubled one, who continues to make us proud every day.
5 years to go.
You know, thinking about I don’t know anyone. Interesting.
My wife’s bff, we all expected to get a divorce when the kids were gone. The woman was unhappy her entire marriage. We love her but she is a horrible shrew. He is an ass, I went to school with him. Still together. I suppose she does have a 26 year old boomerang son who lives at home so in some sense the clock is still ticking. I think she gave her notice and is retiring in July, so we’ll see.
Our daughter was in her final semester of high school when my wife proved she was incapable of regaining my trust after her affair with a junkie.
🙋🏼♀️
Leaving a marriage once the children turn 18 is not about avoiding child support. Usually, the spouse that leaves doesn’t trust their partner to treat the children well and stays until the kids are able be on their own in a sense. It’s still damaging to the children but better than leaving the kids alone with an unstable parent.
I know a few people whose marriages ended when kids left for college or got to Junior/Senior year of high school.
Long standing issues, irreconcilable differences, different goals in life, and generally just not being hapoy around each other, ended things. There was no other person catalyst.
In each case, one person was completely blind sided and didn’t realize their relationship was bad.
[M, 69] In any long relationship between any two human beings there are going to be highs and lows, good and bad periods. But unlike those other relationships, MARRIAGE tethers you so close together that you can’t have a graceful pause, followed by a reunion. Instead, people sit in the same house and seethe, plotting their departure. It’s sad. Modern life has put too much burden on marriage, asking it to meet every need.
That’s exactly what I’m waiting for.
Not me. But I can think of 4 couples I know that had this happen within a year or two of last kid moving out.