At a family gathering, my aunt said that not having kids is “against nature” for women. I asked her, “So are infertile women unnatural?” She dismissed it by saying it’s not the same thing, which felt like a lazy evasion. She then started talking about another aunt of mine who doesn’t have children and has now become a bitter woman. That “bitter” aunt is really sweet to me and especially with kids, although I’m unaware of any family feud that may have occurred among the adults.
It’s tiring to see people disguise their personal opinions as some universal truth about nature. I want to know how others deal with this kind of mindset in families. How do you shut down these comments without turning the whole gathering into a fight?
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I’ve gotten the “going against nature” or “going against god” line before. I’ve had success calling out every unnatural thing the parties present are doing/have done.
Wearing glasses? God gave you those eyes, you don’t trust God?
Uncle George is taking Ozempic, that’s just as unnatural as the covid vaccine you’re giving me shit for, only Uncle George isn’t taking it to prevent death or serious illness, he’s taking it cause he’s on the prowl for wife #3.
Speaking of! How was Barbara’s 2nd wedding? Y’all aren’t going to shun her and call her an adultress for all her days?
Why are we all wearing clothes? Our god-given skin ain’t good enough? Are we defying nature by choosing to live in climates unsuited for our natural form? If god wanted us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
I’d do one or all of the following:
laugh in her face, loudly and for a long time. When she doesn’t join in, say, “oh. You were serious!” And laugh again.
say “what an incredible thing to say out loud” and change the subject
look at her with complete disgust and say something like “well, that’s an opinion” in the most dismissive tone possible
distance yourself as appropriate from her. If asked why, “she told me exactly what she thinks of me and I’m not interested in her opinion”
push her to explain why, exactly, she thinks infertility is “different” because eventually she will show her entire ass
Source: I decided when I was 13 that I was never having kids. I’m 50. Don’t have kids. Braved decades of the Auntie Mafia badgering me to Have A Bayyyyyybeeee.
How to shut down those comments is a perfectly reasonable thing to want and to ask. But I think a better goal might be to drown them out. Not specifically in that conversation, but by living out loud. Remember, threats are the most desperate form of begging. It’s your lifestyle combined with your lack of shame and submission that they are begging you to relinquish.
So shout what you love from the rooftops. Be thankful out loud about what you’re thankful for. Be happy and joyful in their faces. Take up space in the dinner table conversation to compliment those sweet aunties and kids for what’s great about them. When those people get the wind knocked out of their sails, boost them up. When they get interrupted, stop conversation to ask them what they were saying and be interested. Don’t wait for Issues to be brought up by bigots before you live out loud.
You can do all of this without ever “being disrespectful” or being argumentative (though there’s nothing wrong with that if you feel so moved!) and it’s what people mean by “killing them with kindness.” It’s win/win because you’re out there advertising your side and your POV to anyone who will listen– and a lot of bystanders are listening– and you’re spending your one and only life living well. Plus it’s driving the authoritarian lovers absolutely insane. Not only have they not crushed your spirit, but you don’t even deign to see them as a nemesis.
Engaging in battle with an authoritarian lover like your Aunt is tricky because seeing you squirm is a tremendous win for them which will keep them warm at night no matter if they ‘lose’ or not. Not only that, but it’s not inspirational for fence-sitting bystanders who could be swayed to your side. They see you being made miserable, struggling, suffering, outnumbered. But I think if a person is exceptionally good at arguing or draws energy from it, absolutely go for it.
Do they also think having IVF when you can’t “naturally” conceive is “against nature” too? 🙃
I used to work with a guy that had 8 kids. Whenever someone would ask me about having kids, I’d say “Vics got me covered”.
How do I handle it? Usually by politely walking away and making sure I am not seated next to her. If that isn’t possible, I start talking about something else. If that still doesn’t work I smile brightly and say “ok.”
You aren’t going to change her mind and she wants you to argue. There is no benefit to giving her that.
I get that this is frustrating. And there are topics I will argue vociferously about. For example, if someone says “being gay is unnatural” I will get in their face. But choosing not to have children is just that, a choice. And being gay isn’t.
Oh good grief. People need to just mind their business. No one onneither side of the want or don’t want kids spectrum should have to justify their reasoning. Have kids or don’t. If you don’t, be kind to those that do and be a good community citizen. If you do, be kind to those that don’t and raise your kids to be good community citizens.