I keep hearing that people who don’t have kids end up lonely, bored, and full of regret. But is that actually true, or just something society tells us to make parenthood seem like the only “right” choice?
Plenty of parents talk about how fulfilling having kids is, but I also see a lot of exhausted, stressed-out parents who don’t seem as happy as they claim.
So, for those of you who are older and chose not to have kids—what’s the reality? Do you regret it, or is life without children just as meaningful? Would love to hear some real, unfiltered perspectives!
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Myth. The people saying that are not childfree but sharing their speculation about it as if it’s fact.
This is honeslty not a common myth I ever hear, and I question in what circles you are finding this sentiment to be common?
Of course there’s many happy childfree older women out there. The fact the regretful parent sub exists should be evidence you can’t make assumptions about a person’s happiness in life based on whether or not they had a child.
I used to think it was a lie, but now that I’m older I’m regretting it massively. My brother is gay and absolutely hates women and both my parents are dead, so I’m starting to realize that if I don’t have kids my family’s lineage is over. Been something that terrifies me and keeps me up at night for the past year or so.
I’m 43 and I didn’t exactly choose not to have kids. If I had ended up in a relationship with a partner who wanted kids, I probably would’ve had them. It just wasn’t a priority for me, so it’s probably for the best. I like my life. I work, volunteer, have hobbies, and hang out with friends. Sometimes I worry about old age, but there wouldn’t have been any guarantees even if I had children. I suppose I could still try, but I feel no urge. Auntie is a better role for me.
I have no stake in lineage concerns, I’m in my thirties, choose a childfree life, and am very happy with my life in general. Everyone is different, no choice will guarantee anyone anything, you really just have to live it for yourself. You can’t choose EVERYTHING so there’s no room for regret about choices you made that have an invisible other side 😆.
Myth.
I’m 41 and increasingly happy that I decided not to have any. I’m never bored, have plenty of fun and have never regretted not having kids once. Wouldn’t want to change my childfree life for one that has kids in it for any amount of money.
10-14% of people regret HAVING kids, which IMO would be much worse since you can’t really do anything about that regret – whereas, if I get to age 50 (or whatever) and decide I want a kid actually, I could still adopt, so I’m not terribly concerned about regretting not having kids.
Honestly you wouldn’t have a 100% right or wrong answer cuz it depends on individuals. People (child or childless) without strong connections with other people in their circle will end up being lonely,bored and regret anyway. That’s the deep issue. And kid shouldn’t be the answer for their problem.
Some people who don’t have children regret it, some are happy with the decision. Some people who have children regret it, some are happy with the decision.
The only thing that matters is what you want out of your life.
I have a child, but I will say from my perspective. Half of my friends are childfree and half of them have children. We are all happy with our own choices.
My childfree friends play with my daughter, or we do childfree things, they are aunties, and when we talk about it, they always tell me how happy they are with this decision.
The ones that have kids, were like me, parents on their 30s or late 20s, and chose to have kids, they are also happy with their lives.
We are all tired. The childfree friends have more time to pursue hobbies, but the ones with children understand that this is a phase.
We hang out together with families or just the girls.
My friends that are miserable, are miserable having or not kids, and is usually because they are in bad relationships. Having a kid while in a bad relationship is even worse.
And that’s it. People make choices, they live with them, some people are happy some not
I’m turning 40 in a few short weeks and have had a hysterectomy so kids are definitely not happening ever for me – and I’m good with that choice. I’m not particularly maternal though and I don’t put much stock into family lineage.
With the state of the world I’m increasingly glad I didn’t have kids because the world is turning to shit and I would feel horrible bringing a child into this mess.
I think it’s a myth.
Like everything, it’s probably true for many people and probably not true for many others. I personally know people who didn’t have kids because the moment was just never right and they regret it deeply, and others who sadly couldn’t have any. And also know others that are happily child free. Trying to put the human experience into a consensus like this will never have an easy answer.
I think those that have regrets are probably childless and not childfree. I’m childfree, but I have a chidless friend who had an abortion years before she married, and is now struggling to conceive with her husband. She wonders if she lost her chance to be a mother, and has some regrets about her choices back then. I, on the otherhand, have no regrets about not having kids and had a hysterectomy at 32 due to medical reasons, and don’t regret that either.
If you really wanted to be a mother and can’t due to circumstance or medical reasons, that can cause regret and unhappiness, for sure. But if you’re making the conscious choice for yourself to not have kids, how can you regret something you wanted and actively chose of your own free will?
Childless and childfree are often confused.
So far I’m not bored or lonely, and I’ve spent more than an average amount of time around children of all ages – I helped raise my much younger siblings and worked with youth professionally, I babysat a lot as well as a teen and young adult.
I think raising kids is fulfilling and exhausting and difficult. It’ll feel “worth it” if you wanted to be a parent or after becoming one found some kind of identity/meaning in it. You’ll regret it if you were ambivalent or unsure, do it for someone else, and then find out it’s actually super difficult.
It’s not guaranteed that you’ll have a good relationship with your kids or that once they are adults they will hang around as some kind of future enrichment activity.
Life has the meaning you give it.
I’m not old-old, but I’m 36 and my husband is 40 and we have never even once questioned our decision. Normally, as situations arise, we are high-fiving each other and saying thank FUCK we don’t have kids. Our parents are a lot of work/expense, and we support (energy/time/limited-financially) our other friends who have kids, and that combined with living in a high cost of living area and all these bullshit RTOs going off..the idea of having a toddler running around here is abhorrent to me. We would not have the time or money, given the rest of our responsibilities, to take care of a small human properly 24/7 and we celebrate all the time that we don’t have to. I don’t expect to feel lonely later, as I’ve never really felt lonely in my life lol so I don’t seem to be wired for it.
I do feel some regret/sadness that my family line is ending (my sisters and cousins, all girls, are not having children either), but honestly our family line is riddled with hereditary mental health issues and other genetic predispositions to some pretty nasty health problems (factored into all of our decision-making about it) so it is probably for the best. I enjoy playing with toddlers and hanging with teens, but children are a dime a dozen so if I get the itch to socialize it’s not hard to send out a text and have some parent friend dump off one they’re sick of at the moment LOL.
I only hear that from family members who feel some weird ass stake into my life choices who take it personally loke as if us childfree folks are spitting on their life choices so we need to be one of them. Theu use some scare tactics to try to justify their weird ass interest into my sex life.
I’m a fencesitter that is childfree but most of my child free friends truly never wanted kids and are happy. I could see that maybe for people like me there could be a sadness at seeing another life pathway you could have lived, but for me I also don’t live with FOMO as I know looking at a fantasy in my head isn’t a reality at all. I’ve helped raise kids so I do know what it entails and my life doesn’t have any of those obligations at all and thats fucking great. I am so free to do things that fulfill me.
If anyone is child free and feeling stuck in their life it’s not really about lack of a child, but your lack of filling your life up with something that makes you feel it’s meaningful. I think when you don’t follow the typical life blueprint it can be more of a struggle in ways to find that center because there isn’t guidance on that. Possibilities are endless which sounds great on paper, but consciously deciding what going off script looks like is a little stressful to be honest. I’ve definitely felt lost in that sense, but still the most irresponsible thing is thinking a kid will fix a void inside you. A lot of people who go childfree have had a lot more inner work done to than people who don’t question why we have kids and end up mighty disappointed that a kid did not fix them but poked holes at every single flaw and struggle they had.
I’ll be 53 this year. The people who like to tell me I’ll end up lonely and regretful seem to be angry online incel types. Anyone who knows my husband and I knows we live a happy and fulfilled life. We have family and friends just like anyone else. Hobbies and interests. Plans and goals. Childfree marriage has been really wonderful, for us.
Had we wanted kids and couldn’t have them, I can see feeling a hole there. But what is there to regret about living the life that makes you happy, by choice?
I think many people who regret not having kids are people who wanted them but didn’t have them for reasons; they never found a partner, couldn’t afford it, health problems, etc. I don’t think anyone who didn’t want to be a parent at all has any regrets, or if they do, it’s a wistful “what if” rather than a heavy burden.
> I keep hearing that people who don’t have kids end up lonely, bored, and full of regret. But is that actually true, or just something society tells us to make parenthood seem like the only “right” choice?
I think these people didn’t have a lot going on to begin with and are lonely in general. These are not the kind of people who should realistically be having children in the first place. Children should not be a hobby or a placeholder.
> Plenty of parents talk about how fulfilling having kids is, but I also see a lot of exhausted, stressed-out parents who don’t seem as happy as they claim.
It seems like these might be people who were not entirely into having kids in the first place.
Both of the examples you list seem to come from people whose choices didn’t match their lifestyle intentions. If you make the wrong choice, you’re going to regret it no matter what the choice was. If you have kids for the wrong reasons, you’re going to regret having kids. If you’re a lonely person to begin with and want kids to keep you company but you don’t end up having kids, you’re still going to be lonely.
Two subs to check out:
I can answer this!
I used to work in a nursing home for elderly people. Many of them were childfree, sometimes by choices, sometimes by happenstance.
A few expressed sadness and regret. Most did not.
I’m 47 without kids. I used to think I’d have them when I was in my 30s. Then when I was finally at that point and ready to have them, I started questioning the decision. I ended up coming to the conclusion I didn’t want them and luckily my husband was on board as well.
I have no regrets about the decision not to have kids. My cats have kept me occupied enough. I can’t imagine trying to fit in time for kids on top of being a pet owner with a full-time job.
I
Am therapist. Many parents have said to me (childfree 42F) some version of: “I love my kids, but if I could do it over again…”
Zero regrets. I always knew parenthood wasn’t for me. 63, female, married, had a great career, and have lived an interesting life so far.
Who told you they regret not having children? Have you talked to actual childfree people ?
Where are you getting this from? I think it’s more common these days that people regret having kids than regret not having them. It’s just that it’s extremely taboo to talk about. And the line that people who don’t have kids are lonely or bored or unfulfilled seems to come from parents, because misery loves company, and if they made the commitment to have kids, they feel like everyone else should have to too.
I am childfree woman who is about to turn 50, and I have had a wonderfully fulfilling and happy life.
You’re probably hearing that from a few different angles, especially if this is online.
“I need to justify my life choices.”
“I couldn’t have kids and/or find someone to have kids with and I totally came to terms with that, and I’m definitely definitely definitely not bitter at all or taking my misplaced anger out on others.”
People using projection in a similar way that someone might use “who could actually enjoy skydiving” or “anyone who says they like tofu is faking it.” “Of COURSE they regret it” etc.
Weirdly enough, young folks (teenagers even) who are just stupidly parroting much of what their parents say but anonymously online.
“I desperately want grandchildren and have mentally taken on this person as my own adult child (who has yet to give me grandchildren). Convincing this stranger is the same as convincing my child.”
and more I can’t think of atm.
Depends on who you ask. Plenty of people regret both.
Lol myth perpetuated by regretful parents (misery loves company) and the patriarchy (to keep women in control).
Me – 46, no kids.
Lonely? Nope, happily married, have lots of friends, hobbies, volunteer, etc.
Bored? Sometimes, but being bored sometimes it great! Having the ABILITY to be bored, and not constantly bombarded is literal heaven to me.
Full of Regret? Not a one (at least that has to do with my choice to not have kids). I regret things like, not taking better care of myself in my 30’s, and staying in that crappy job too long. I won’t ever regret my choice to not have kids.
It’s basically the same myth as the lonely crazy cat lady. I think this often comes from bitter people who think that every woman who doesn’t fulfill her duty as a man serving mother and wife has to be punished. I’m childfree and I don’t regret it one bit.
This of course is different for people who truly wanted kids and couldn’t have them for any reason. I think it’s very hard for them to not have been able to have kids. I knew two women who really wanted kids and couldn’t have them and both became alcoholics. One drank herself to death. It’s sad.
I’ve heard parents they say they regret having kids.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t regret having kids but if they had known what it would be like, they wouldn’t have done it.
I’ve heard people who wanted kids but chose not to have them because their partner was childfree say they regretted giving up their dream of parenthood for their partner.
But I’ve never heard anyone who didn’t want kids say they regretted not having kids.
I’ve also never heard anyone who was on the fence for reasons unrelated to their partner say they regretted not having kids.
I’m 39 and no regrets so far on not having kids.
I’ve also seen the reverse where I have a couple of friends who had kids later on and these are people who always wanted kids who have found it a very, very, very difficult adjustment.
I have heard some people say that childless people will feel regret when they are old and sitting in the nursery home, all alone. As if there aren’t plenty of lonely nursing home residents who have kids, grandkids, etc.
But I am of the mind that it is better to regret not having kids than to regret having them. And anyone who has kids intending to bank on their future support 70-80 years from now is setting themselves up for massive disappointment.
I’ve literally never heard of a single person who chose deliberately to not have kids regretting it
61 and LOVE my life. I was able to retire early, I travel internationally at least once a year, spend time with family and friends, volunteer to support organizations that have missions I love, and have a great life. I planned this life and am very happy
I am sure there are people who regret it because they wanted kids and it didn’t happen. I believe they are the minority.. More people are unhappy with their life with children than people who chose to be child free are unhappy with their life.
The only people I hear saying that child free by choice people are lonely, bored, and full of regret are parents. Every child free (by choice) adult I know is beyond happy, myself included, and my friends well into their 50’s, 60’s and beyond included. Not having kids and not having the choice may be of a different story.
Myth
One of my good friends was 34 when she had an operation that inhibited her from having a baby. She had been pushing it off for grad school then career stuff and she’s been absolutely devastated for the last 5.5 years. She was unsure about wanting kids but since the option was taken away from her I think it hurt worse. She’s been lonely and kind of sad but is focusing on traveling and finding as much joy as she can that way.
I think it does happen. But if you don’t want kids, you likely won’t be sad without them.
I know quite a few people, myself included, who never wanted kids and once we had them accidentally our entire lives changed. I can’t imagine not being a mother now.
It sucks because no one knows how it feels to be a mom (positive or negative) until you go through it, unfortunately.
I work with rich old people who had lots of kids. They .maybe visit once a year and only to pick up a check from their parent. Having kids doesn’t guarantee that they will stick around when you get old.
The old people who had no kids built up huge social networks and people visit them weekly.
I mean I’m 37 and child free and no regrets
This is mostly a common myth. And the ones repeating it are typically parents who regret their own choices. Or rich capitalists who worry about the lack of new babies being born to work for slave wages. AI will be replacing a lot of human jobs…
I’m 40 and choosing not to have kids was one of the best decisions I ever made. I couldn’t survive mentally, physically, emotionally or financially if I had them. I knew I didn’t want them since I was about 6 years old.
Kids don’t fix loneliness or boredom.
My hill to die on is that far, far more people regret having children than not. I think the reasons for this are probably something we could manage as a society with better support for parents and children. Though I think the idea of some childfree person getting to x age and then deeply regretting it is a little overstated.
People regret having kids and they regret not having kids. It’s a very personal feeling, you will have to figure this out for yourself.
My mindset is that I’d rather regret not having children than have them and regret them.
One of those only affects me and the other just passes on trauma to a new generation and I can’t do that to someone.
Plus, I love choosing the children I spent time around and leaving them to go home to my quiet, clean apartment with my dog 😆
I’m sure there are some folks that might regret not having kids, but it seems there’s far more regret associated with having kids vs not
I think it depends on the degree to which you want them. Some people have always known they don’t want to parent and I don’t think they type will ever regret opting out.
However, nowadays, with the cost of living being so high and men being…how they are (lol), I do think many women are opting out due to fears around finances and not having a supportive enough partner when they would have been parents in a prior time period and liked it a lot as just one more aspect of a fulfilling, complex life.
Those people might regret not having adult kids to pal around with in their elder years. Adult children are the shit. It’s just too bad you have to put up with ages 0-5 to get there lol.
I have children. I have child free friends. Some tried very hard to have kids and it did not work. They regret it. My husband’s aunt only said she regretted it once. We do not bring it up. She travels the world. She leads an exciting life. I do not think these things are mutually exclusive.
IMO this is a narrative that is being pushed by those who want women to “stay in their place” aka, ‘barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen subservient to a man.’
Many women feel fulfilled being mothers, and that is fantastic if that is what they want. I am very happy that they have found their happiness.
For me (46), I’ve had to be independent, I’m okay on my own, and love living life’s adventures to the fullest. I do have pets, and like to have a pet or two around, but other than that – I love my single, childfree life. I feel very, very strongly about this.
I love my life – and I know many other child-free women who love their life. I also know mothers who love their life.
I’ve also seen and met parents who are miserable because what they were sold didn’t match up to reality – at all – and the idyllic life they were told would be the case, isn’t. I’ve seen the kids who are the results of those parents. I’ve seen a lot of abused kids due to their parents not being mature and healthy enough (physically or mentally) to actually raise strong, healthy young people ready to face the realities of life.
If you want to be a mother and your heart loves the idea of caring for and raising a child for the next 18+ years – whether or not a man is involved – go be the best mother you can and live your dreams.
Personally, my dreams involve NOT being tied down by another human being (my animals limit some things, but I took them on knowing that, and they more than make up for the limits having them imposes). At least major decisions I can make on my own, and I love that. I’ve moved all over the country, and next up is an international move – and being able to just decide that (within the limitations of my pets needs and quality of life) is something I not only want, but on some level, need.
I’ve seen this asked in r/childfree and there are always wonderful answers from people even in their 50s and 60s, happy with their choice to remain childfree. I tend to think it’s mostly propaganda or people who are childless not by choice who feel regret or sorrow
No kids, no dudes, just a dog, amazing friends, and a passport ❤️
I’m 33 and so far no regrets. I did have my 16 year old cousin’s, who are also siblings, yesterday to do their hair….I had some regrets about 10 minutes in.
I had the girl for the weekend and the boy for 8 hours and I would like a paid vacation please. More power to their parents because god damn. I mean this with love.
I had an abortion about 8 years ago, and every single day that passes I thank my lucky stars I made that choice. I wouldn’t replace my freedom for anything, especially not for a kid whom you don’t know what personality they might have ended up having. There are some really obnoxious children out there, with really nice parents actually…I can’t imagine having had one like those, I would have been so miserable.
I’ll admit these kinds of posts hit me hard, because there is an idea you have kids or you don’t. And if you don’t have kids, you didn’t want them.
I’m mid 40s now and very much wanted kids, but I never met the right person and I didn’t want to do it alone. I’m “childless” vs “childfree” in the lingo but often I describe myself as childfree because I like the word more lol. It sounds less depressing.
I’m hitting perimenopause and I’m having a very hard time with it. I mostly love my life, and it’s amazing and fun, but it’s hitting me very hard that I will not experience pregnancy, giving birth, and being a mother (and please please please random internet strangers, don’t tell me I can do it on my own or I can adopt or foster, I am well aware and that’s not what I want). Also, I will never be a grandparent. Childless people also get a lot of “all lives matter” type comments. If I tell people I’m scared that I won’t have anyone to check up on me when I’m old, people will go YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE KIDS TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. Or EVEN PEOPLE WHO HAVE KIDS GET ABANDONED BY THEIR KIDS. It’s very dismissive of a very real concern that many childless people have, especially those of us who are also single.
Do I regret not having children? I don’t know if it’s as much a regret because it wasn’t really a choice. Am I sad about it? Yes. Not all the time but right now it upsets me a lot and it’s hard for me to be around pregnant people or babies.
I think my life is meaningful, but I have long periods of loneliness. At this point in my life, I would rather have a partner and not kids. I am open to being a step parent.
Sorry for this Debbie Downer of a post lol. It’s just something that has very much been on my mind lately, and I really have no one talk to about it except Reddit and ChatGPT! Haha.
47 child free and no regrets at all!
I was 7 years old when my parents were my parents were the age i am now, zero regrets at my childless life. If I ever change my mind in the future I can always adopt or foster, but given my fairly poor expectations for this planet over the next 10 – 20 years just seems a fucked up thing to do, bring new life into this world cause what, you’re bored? Lonely?
Also I work in law and see a lot of contentious child/contact shite and I am always glad I’m not tied to some loser permanently.
I have never met a woman who has actually said they regret not having kids 🤷♀️
> I keep hearing that people who don’t have kids end up lonely, bored, and full of regret.
From who, exactly? And what source is used to backup these claims other than bitter parents projecting their misery onto childfree folk and trying to bring them down to their level?!
I’m not older, person se, but I’m nearing 40 and have known children weren’t for me since my teens. I have actively even taken surgical procedures to prevent accidents.
I have everything I need in my life that I could ever want and not an ounce of regret or remorse or even loneliness comes into the equation.
I travel frequently with my boyfriend and family on vacations, we buy what we want, when we want it. There is more peace and tranquility than I know what to do with.
All in all I have never encountered a miserable childfree person of any age filled with regret. I have, however, met remorseful parents.
I think not having children makes your life easier. Having kids is really hard and they add a challenge to your life that nothing else really compares to. For many people, challenge is ultimately what makes your life meaningful. Also, if you live in the west traditionally there isn’t really community once you get older except for your family. And even that is getting rare.