looking for some insight into the cis-man mind over here. buckle in, here’s some context first.
I’ve been talking to this guy for a while. We were in the same place for about 2 months in a pretty intense situation, and I swore I thought he had feelings for me, I was catching some feelings too. My friend said they thought he liked me. He’s about 16 years old than me (me, 20s, him, 40s).
Since we’ve been back home, for the last 2 months, we’ve stayed in touch. Texting, voice notes, and calling once in a while. I think my feelings have faded, mostly from being far apart. But I’m happy to stay in touch and be friends. We’re still talking somewhat regularly, but here’s the thing: he does not seem to truly be interested in me or remember things about me. He’ll send me little voice notes about his day, and “heart” react to my texts, and ask me how I am, but will basically NEVER ask a follow up question, and NEVER seems to remember anything I’ve said. I had a friend in the hospital and I kept talking about going to visit them and then helping to care for them and he didn’t ask a single question about that. When we’re on the phone, when HE has called ME, if I tell him a story about something, he’ll say “nice” or something but then nothing! If he tells me a story, I have a thousand follow up questions and he’s more than happy to chatter away.
I’ve only dated one guy before this (I mostly date women) and he was basically the same – seemed to want to hang out with me/talk to me a lot, but didn’t actually seem all that interested in MY personhood. It was like I could be basically anybody, and was kind of an outlet to have a relationship with a warm body. That almost made more sense to me – we were dating, we had sex, there was some physical tactile connection. With this dude, there is NO physical relationship because we live thousands of miles away from each other. But he still seems so interested in staying in touch… We’re also probably going to see each other in a couple months at something we’re both attending, and he keeps saying how much he’s looking forward to that. Don’t know if it’s about me or the event.
But anyway. Are men just typically like this? Terrible at conversation? Do women just have to make their peace with it? I am truly at a loss for how to engage with this man. Would love your insights O Seasoned And Wise Women of the Interwebs!
Comments
Do you know that meme about people who send like a whole novel’s worth of text in text messages? That’s me. My ex would reply with “K” or “Kewl” 85% of the time. Texting with him didn’t get anywhere. Talking wasn’t a lot better.
First of all 16yr age gap in your 20s is significant. What are you looking for in this person that is so far away now, a hookup or a lasting relationship. If dude can’t hold a conversation or isnt interested in what you have to say would you even want to be with a zombie? Let it go. For all you know, he’s married and keeping you around until the next time he shows up. Even if he isn’t see my first two reasons.
sounds like a lot of women I know lol I don’t think most people are good conversationalists in general.
but no, this hasn’t necessarily been the norm in my dating experience, I immediately filter out the people I don’t click with – which is most of them, but it’s a numbers game.
you’re bound to come across someone who connects well eventually, just keep putting yourself out there and keep your standards high. good luck!
As a 51 yr old single man I can tell you this isn’t normal, no we are not all like this and he is either trying to play it cool to keep from scaring you off or he is not that interested. All the other factors you mentioned that seem to make this connection difficult will eventually make you exhausted. If I’m interested in someone I take a chance and show the amount of interest I feel and if it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t. But anything else at my age would be a waste of time. Im not in high school anymore lol.
I am going to jump in here, and I’ll admit that I am a jaded old lady. I’m also a jaded old lady who had careers in male-dominated fields and I’ve seen… a lot.
My first impression is that man is 100% married.
He responds on the phone with monosyllables because he has you listed under some bullshit guy’s name. He doesn’t ask or respond to anything personal because there are ears on the other end. He can get away with a bit more in texts- but not much.
Are “men just like this?” No. But middle-aged married men looking for a little out-of-town fun with a beautiful young woman are.
My apologies if I’m way off base. But I wouldn’t trust this guy.