I (30F) have been with my boyfriend (32M) for almost two years. Within those two years he’s only met my family twice or thrice. They don’t love him, but they don’t hate him and coming from a strict, conservative family, that’s enough for me.
Anyway, I have never met my boyfriend’s family. He says his mom doesn’t really want to meet me or get to know me just yet…which I understand…I guess? His mom is a single mom and he is the eldest son, so their family’s dynamics are a lot different than what I’m accustomed to.
His mom has been super dismissive and unsupportive of our relationship. She says she never wants me to come to their house or even come up to her and say “hi.”
We go to the same Church and every time I try to sit close to them, she moves during the service and transfers seats to the other side of the venue. It’s frustrating because I have never even met her and she’s already decided that she hates me!
I brought this up to my boyfriend and after a very long conversation with his mother, she banned me from ever entering their house or using their family car. INSANE
I love my boyfriend and we plan on getting married within the next couple years, I don’t know how to feel or how to handle this situation…HELP
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You are not overreacting but
OP, his Mother is never ever going to accept you; snubbing you in a church is a kind of big thing.
Can you accept your BF being her special one first and ##you## coming lower on his priority list?
edit-typo
I would be having another conversation with your boyfriend and telling him that if the two of you gonna have a future together, you need to meet his family otherwise you need to move on. At this point, hismother is just disrespecting your relationship and acting like she’s jealous of you.
Has your boyfriend tried to get his Mum to realise how crazy and unsustainable her behaviour is? And, she is disrespecting you in public, which will get people wondering what you have done wrong.
If you are looking to marry, will she ignore you for life? Would she get to be a Grandma to your kids, while still ignoring you?
I didn’t even read your post. Your feelings are valid! Always. Okay now going to read it.
This is beyond insane. I think it’s best for you to accept that his mom is never gonna accept you. Drop the rope and focus on yourself.
However is this a happy future you see for yourself? A future where you’re not welcome and will be excluded? What would that look like if you get married and have kids? Will he still go there with your kids on holidays etc and you’ll be left alone at home unwelcome?
Hugs hon.
Here’s some things to chew on.
Just how much input do you want from parents into your marriage? Do you unconsciously expect to ask your dad to help with car care/ lawn care/ home maintenance issues? Do you unconsciously expect to ask your mom to help with household issues? What about MIL? There are no free rides. The more time (money?) and input your/his parents have in you life – the more influence they will expect to have. Because you put them there.
Do you expect to be your husband’s first priority? Do you expect your husband to be YOUR first priority? And assuming both of those things are true — then how much time do you want/expect to spend with your families of origin post nuptials? What do you want that to look like? What does HE want those to look like? Discuss holidays/ vacation/ children NOW. See how close to the same page you and bf are now and how willing you both are to navigate a situation that works for the two of you.
Would your future MIL like ANYONE her son got serious with? Would she gracefully shift to second lady status? And if she would not – look at your boyfriend. What’s he doing (not saying) to demonstrate that you are the sun to his planet? Because the marriage vows are all about leaving your family of origin and creating a new one. Can both of you do that?
You’ve only been together 2 years. You still have time to discuss issues and address them together. And if you’re incompatible you can make hard decisions from a place of KNOWING not hoping. So many people waste time on the person of their hopes.
Her behaviour is definitely way over the top. How does your BF feel about it? You don’t have to be her bestie or anything like that but some kind of acknowledgement like a nod or a smile would be nice. My MIL ignored me for a long time, so I know it’s hurtful especially when they don’t appear to give any reasons for it. Hopefully your BF is able to see what she’s doing and support you.
Do not continue in this relationship. You still have a chance to get out before the rest of your life is dictated by a nasty, overbearing woman. He is 32 years old and she still does this. This dynamic won’t change. If she hasn’t grown up by the time her adult son is in his 30’s, she will never accept you or any other woman he brings around.
Yes, your feelings are truly valid. I could only imagine how isolated and frustrated you were in these situations. My advice is that you have to reach out to your partner and talk about it.
You cannot let his family undermine your self-worth. It’s two years of dating, and things start to go worse at this point, it won’t get any better in the future.
You need to make your BF understand that if you two do, in fact, get married that his moommmyyy will NEVER meet any future grandchildren unless she first takes accountability for her awful behavior, apologizes completely and sincerely, and changes her behavior toward permanently. And that since you’re banned from her home, she will never ever be welcomed into any home you and your BF share in the future. Go scorched earth on her now and give NO wiggle room for fauxpologies and whinings about you “misunderstanding” her.
I’m confused. Why does MIL have any say in the life of a 32-year old man? She banned you from her house? How is that relevant? Does he still live with her? Why does it matter if you can’t use the “family car”? Is that the only car?
If he’s still living with her, following her rules like an adolescent, (it appears that he’s not even graduated to teenager at this point) run, quickly. He’s not a man. He’s a child.
Sis, he’s already married to his mom.
This is insane. I’d talk to your pastor/priest about it since you both attend the same church. He wouldn’t want his congregation treating each other this way. If your boyfriend okay with this? What are his feelings on it? Do you have any idea why she feels this way? You just are in your 30s. This is insane behavior for her.
Since you go to the same church, I would involve your priest or pastor.
GET THE PASTOR INVOLVED. A member of his flock is being unnecessarily unkind to another member. And quite frankly, your bf is behaving inappropriately for allowing it. He should be staying with you when she does this. It won’t endear you to her, and she’ll likely brush it off, and so will he, but at least you’re signaling that you aren’t tolerating it.
Your feelings are valid but you need to quit begging and you need to tell bf that you are not going to forget this. It’s really weird that you know you’re “banned” when you’ve never talked to her. I think he’s likely not ready for a serious relationship because a serious relationship requires severing ties with his mom. Make it clear, you’re not allowing a relationship with any children you may have. She will not be allowed in a marital home. She has made a choice to behave uncharitably.
so, to clarify what happened – when your boyfriend tried to stand up for you in a very mild way, it resulted in his mother taking even more aggressive action against you. this is a GIANT red flag and it’s a very clear predictor of what will continue. please do not even consider getting engaged unless the situation improves drastically, especially because your own parents may not be supportive if you need to end the engagement or the marriage. from my own experience in churches i don’t think involving the pastor will help. i think you should run.
i grew up in a conservative church that likely has the same dynamics as yours. as gently as i can say this, conservative churches do not teach young women that they deserve anything above basic decency in marriage. please believe me when i say that whatever your highest hopes are for a future husband, you need to expect five times better than that – and that includes expecting a relationship where your husband actively chooses you over conflict avoidance or misplaced allegiance to abusive family. never forget you have the right to leave.
Run. Run far away. You marry the in-laws and this is a giant cluster fuck waiting to explode in your life.
They’ve got a strong emotional incest relationship going. She’s acting like a scorned lover at your very existence. He does not deserve you for not putting his mother in her place at 32. I would run.
This is emotional incest/ covert incest. I would run in the opposite direction. WTF is your boyfriend of 32 YEARS OLD doing?!?! You should be elevated as his queen- you have a boyfriend problem sis.