In my 20s I never really cared about porn or my partner finding others hot or maybe I just really never ever thought about it too much. I always thought thinking someone else was attractive was a fleeting thought and that’s it.
I’m going through a break up with my first (that I’ve noticed) man who was lustful and addicted to porn. He also lied like all the time about anything and everything which just made me question reality.
I’m feeling discouraged that I’ll ever feel comfortable again. I have all these fears about men obsessively looking at women on instagram or that when they see women in public they just undress them in their minds – these are things I was never concerned about in the past. I always just felt… wanted by my partner. I’m feeling like an insecure teen. It feels childish to feel how I am feeling currently.
I’m feeling lost and discouraged. How do you even bring that up with a new partner? Like hey are you addicted to porn? Do you have to scroll through pictures of women at all hours of the day? I’m worried I’ll never be 100% comfortable with a partner again.
Does anyone have advice?
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Meet new person. First stalk his socials for what he follows. Red flags, ghost, peace out. Now obviously many have dummy accounts for such things but men who have it on their own personal ones- not worth initiating the conversation. Made it past that hurdle, then yes be honest. My partner chose a screen & his own death grip over me. It’s not an easy thing to get past and I never want to again. Your life is yours but if that is something you partake in, let me know now so we can wrap this up. Last (and most important for a damaged betrayal trauma victim) let him know you are honest and transparent & so is your phone/computer. If he’s ever concerned or curious- you are an open he’s welcome to read. IF THAT is reciprocal, even if you never feel that dreaded pull to- then you have a shot at a good one.
Ask him what he enjoys watching in porn instead of “Do you watch porn?” or “Are you addicted to porn?” They will most likely give you an honest answer.
What do you mean by addicted to porn?
I walked in on my husband having… alone time… once and he was looking at pictures of me, so they are definitely out there! We’ve had pretty open conversations about porn throughout our relationship (10 years), and my feelings about it have changed over that time. I used to be OK with it, now I think a lot of porn is incredibly harmful and degrading. I would prefer he didn’t watch it, or if he does watch any, he makes sure it’s responsibly made.
I would bring up the porn conversation pretty early in dating, but it doesn’t have to be in an accusatory way. Just like “I’m not comfortable with heavy porn usage, so if that’s something you’re into we’re probably not compatible”.
I mean, should you want a porn addicted partner? Probably not. Should you obsess over them thinking about other women… also no. Sounds like you might need to work through some issues personally.
You had boyfriends who had no porn addiction and you had one then you have to be afraid of all men having a porn addiction? Christ almighty.
Thank you for sharing so vulnerably about this.. I see a lot underneath these words. What you’re feeling isn’t childish. it’s a natural response to having your sense of safety and trust shaken. When someone lies or hides porn use it can create a lot of emotional confusion and make you question your worth, it sounds like that’s the underlying question: “am i worthy?”
The thing about pain is that it isn’t meant to define you. It’s a signal and messenger that points you on the direction on how to come home to yourself. So here, instead of focusing on controlling future partners, the deeper work is rebuilding safety within so you can create boundaries that feel natural and resource/trust yourself from within.. Does that feel like it resonates? Often, that’s what allows you to feel grounded, secure, and magnetic again, because you begin to trust your own intuition and energetic reads.
This is exactly what I do so I know it is effective. When women rewire old beliefs, heal from betrayal, and rebuild self-trust, you can attract and find love that honors you. So I want you to know it’s possible for you and when you feel that sense of full self-worth, WORTHY potential partners will see it and respect it. They’re out there. Dm me if you need to chat more!
My husband watches porn and so do I! We have an understanding that we have our time and we also have alone time and those are different needs. He probably is still attracted to other women but he never tells me and I trust him to not act on those impulses. Similarly I still find myself attracted to other people (because I am married, not dead) but I would never act on them!
How you respect and treat your partner is something you control! Don’t believe anyone when they say they “couldn’t help it”— they’re ultimately not who you’re looking for.
Yes. My fiancé is obsessed with me and has zero interest in anyone else. It’s nice, but also exhausting sometimes because he wants me ALL THE TIME. His friends still send pictures of boobs to their group chat though, but that’s a lot different than scrolling through porn nonstop.
You’ll know when you’re someone’s dream girl because he’ll do whatever he has to to win you over and make you happy. He’ll also tell you you look amazing all the time and probably slap your ass every time you walk by. That’s my experience anyway.
Time. Give it time.
Yes. I get told a lot that I’m very attractive. Which is nice. I was chatting with my guy friend the other day about dating and relationships, and I loved hearing how he is obsessed with his girlfriend – it was so refreshing to hear!!!
I have been where you were 10 years ago with my ex. Long story short – it is not you, it is completely him and fuck him.
My husband watches video of me. We also have a Polaroid camera, and sometimes I’ll snap photos in lingerie and leave them for him — we’ve built up a little album now, lol. It’s honestly been a really fun, playful way to keep the focus between us, and it makes me feel wanted in a way that’s personal and real.
I just want to say: you’re not childish for feeling the way you do. You’re reacting to being hurt and lied to — it would actually be strange if you didn’t feel shaken after that. Feeling lost right now doesn’t mean you’ll always feel this way.
There are absolutely men out there who are capable of true emotional and sexual focus on one woman. Men who are honest, who value intimacy more than dopamine hits from random images online. The kind of connection you want does exist — and you are not asking for too much.
When you do feel ready to date again, it’s totally okay to bring up your boundaries early. You don’t have to grill someone on date one, but as you get to know someone, you can ask about their views on porn, social media habits, and what loyalty means to them. Someone who’s right for you will not only be open about it — they’ll be happy to help you feel safe again.
It’s going to take a little time to rebuild trust, but you absolutely can find love that feels secure and sacred again. You deserve that.
Edit: thank you for the award!! 🥹💕
Yes, there are definitely men out there that really just want you only. You just need to be pickier. I would be honest with a potential partner in the beginning, and I have opsn conversations with him. I do feel comfortable with my skin. I just don’t advocate porn because most of porn videos are unethical. For example, sometimes a person uploaded a video without their partner’s consent, so that is unethical.
A zero tolerance policy with porn is ALWAYS best after a betrayal like this. Or honestly for anyone ever, unless you are someone who is FOR SURE 100% fine with it and is completely ok with the concept after really thinking about it (even then, things change). My first serious boyfriend was an addict, and I simply “asked” my second serious boyfriend to not. He said sure, and then also turned out to be an addict. And my third. And my fourth. Guys who watch porn tend to do it any chance they get, and will always choose it in the end. You tend not to find out until you move in together. It will eat at you all of the time, the mistrust will build and you will be beyond angry and hurt every time you find it. You will learn to “know” from subtle things, and even though you know for sure it happened they will gaslight you and make you doubt yourself. It will destroy your relationships every time.
First, get therapy. It’s a serious betrayal, and causes serious issues. I completely lost my ability to trust partners after it happened enough.
Second, I agree with the women here that are saying to subtly find out. Directly asking never works unless it’s in a “sexy” context, saying that it really hurts you never works. Do this immediately. Don’t waste time. Remember, zero tolerance. Fighting the fight of “don’t do this, it hurts me” never works. They don’t care, and they justify it.
I have spent literally a decade of deep pain over this. Also, be ready to be alone for awhile. Make peace with it. Most men consume this sort of media. Your happiness is more important than being stuck in this cycle.
Yes, they are definitely out there. Like a lot of things, with social media and the internet making everything more accessible we’re more aware of the ones that aren’t. How you go about the conversation will depend on how you communicate with your future partner. In my relationship we’ve always asked each other random things that come up or what we’ve thought about, so it isn’t weird if I bring something up with little context. For me, I don’t care if he watches some porn (as long as it’s not extreme content or excessive) but OF is a deal breaker. A lot of people find it less intimidating to ask things they’re insecure about via text because they can play it off, I prefer in person because their body language will tell you more than their words. It’s been a little while since the conversation but I think we were talking about OF and I asked if he has ever used it (nope!) I asked about porn and he said yes, so I asked what he watched and it was very mild. I also know that he’s extremely attracted to me and I know that he’d rather be with me, so I’m ok with what he does on his own time.
You have to find out what you’re comfortable with and find someone who is ok with the boundaries that you have. When you have the conversation you need to go into it with a open mind to understand how they think and feel about it because if you’re guarded or judgmental they’re more likely to tell you what you want to hear. When you do listen, you need to be honest with yourself— if they don’t line up perfectly with your preferences, can you accept them where they are at and be ok with it. If the answer is no, then you need to move on. You can’t force them to change because that will likely create resentment in the relationship.
It’s also important to remember that this it’s just a men’s problem. I know plenty of women that font over men on social media and I don’t understand that either. It seems like every time I make a new friends I have them sending me reels or half naked men on IG or strippers and I have to tell them several times I don’t want to see it. That’s also my personal preference. I can’t remember how many times I had to tell my closest friends that when I have a bachelorette party I do NOT want strippers and I had to be clear that I would walk out before they finally accepted it. It’s the same with LV. I just don’t get the appeal, never have and never will.
I watched porn more than I should have. But preferred the homemade videos with my partner at the time.
My partners social media is filled with scientists, computer game companies and his friends. There are men out there with eyes only for one woman I promise.
Yes mine
it’s not so simple IMO. that’s doing everyone a disservice
look, we all have eyes and appreciate attractive people. it’s human nature. my partner and I point out attractive people to each other, of either gender, and he’s not bi. but he still realizes there are other good-looking dudes and it’s not fair to only point out the women (I think I actually point out more women than he does [and by “point out” I generally mean like in media and such but there is the occasional time when we’re out and if one of us sees someone, we’ll nudge the other with a ‘hey, they were hot’ look]). I mean, don’t you notice pretty people when you’re out and about?
but someone having an issue with being unable to control themselves with porn is entirely different. honestly, I’ve never really understood the appeal so it’s so hard for me to see how someone gets an addiction to it. I personally don’t have an issue with my partner using porn; I’m not always around and dictating how he gets off feels very much and controlling to me, so no thanks. I don’t really use it myself because 1) I can’t be bothered to log in to my VPN (fuck you, state I live in) so I can even access the sites to watch anyway (yes, i know erotica counts too—something I think a lot of women conveniently forget) and 2) I end up scrolling and previewing for so long to find something that hits for me that I end up losing interest. in the time it takes me to find something (it can take upwards of an hour), I could have just concocted a scenario in my head and gotten there already, all with the added benefit of not hearing the women in the videos overdone performance. unless I’m specifically wanting to hear audio from a dude, it’s prob better for me to just skip the porn entirely.
my partner and I watch it together, even tho neither of us really likes it. but it’s that subtle way to get ourselves going. this is what works for US** …. going forward, you’re going to have to communicate. understand that people are going to find others attractive and pretty and “oh she looks nice” but it doesn’t always translate into “man, I’d really love to fuck her on that park bench right now!” being secure in yourself and your relationship (finding someone who nurtures that is obvi paramount) makes all the difference.
I don’t say this without having started off being the most insecure littlest BRAT ever and having done the work myself. it’s not just ohsoeasy, like flipping a switch. you have to work on yourself. but with putting in the work and coupling that with being with the right partner, who treats you well, makes space for you, treats you like a priority in their life…. it feels easy then.
sorry, I didn’t mean to write so much. I don’t even know if this answers your question?
Going to disagree with the majority and say that it’s unrealistic to expect someone to only be attracted to you forever. To only act on attraction with you, that’s different. To be respectful of your feelings regarding attraction to other people, also different.
My bf loves me, thinks I’m hot, w/e. He also had physical and digital naughty photos and videos of me/us that he has fun with from time to time. I assume he also watches porn lol because why wouldn’t he? I have no idea what the proportion is because… I don’t care. The only guy I’ve ever been with who “struggled” with porn struggled because he was ashamed. I kept telling him that it’s not shameful and if he’d just be ok with what he likes it would get easier for him, but his puritanical mindset really ruined sex for him.
I know he watches the occasional thirst trap because when they’re ridiculous he shows them to me. There’s just something incredibly secure to me about joking about each other’s masturbation and thirst trap habits. Or like “ooooh I saw you check her out 😏.” No jealousy, no insecurity, because we know we’re each other’s person, so why does it matter how we get our rocks off (ethically).
I don’t mind some porn use
But sadly many men are unable to separate real life from porn- a growing number of men have porn brain and are completely fried- you can’t really rehabilitate them or if you can, I don’t have the patience to try
Others are able to separate porn from real life, can have fulfilling relationships and just watch porn for release
Like i said, a growing number of men are numbed out by porn, can’t form relationships, have limited sensation during sex and just see others as inanimate objects…
It’s really sad.
I think you have to pick your battles- in an ideal world id prefer a man who doesn’t watch porn but we don’t live in an ideal world so instead I focus on men capable of relationships and that pool is ever shrinking
They exist but can be difficult to find in the social media and dating app worlds.
Finding someone attractive vs wanting to be with them sexual vs porn are all very different and independent things.
Just because someone find someone else attractive doesn’t mean they want to be with them, romantically or sexually. If you’re upset that your partners find other women attractive, that’s definitely an insecurity that you need to work on, ideally with therapy. I find a lot of different men attractive and it has nothing to do with me not wanting my partner. Most people don’t rank attractiveness and wouldn’t leave their partner because this random person is a 9 and your partner is only a 7. It’s more “dang this person is attractive” and that’s it. A fleeting thought like you said.
my partner only wants to be with me, and I trust him because he’s never given me any indication that he wants to be with someone else. He is a former man. If he wants to be with someone else, he would be. No one is forcing him to be in a relationship with me. We chose this. We choose this every day. If he wants to use visual stimulation to fuel an imagination to get off, cool. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t think I’m attractive. It doesn’t mean he wants to break up. It doesn’t mean he wants to be with them.
I’m probably a little more side-eye when it comes to social media or OF kind of porn (vs pornhub and all that) just because there’s an para social aspect to it. I find commenting on or communicating or socializing with social media “models” or OF or whatever is the same as messaging or communicating with other women in general and going around saying “you’re so fkn hot” and any other potential dirty/flirty talk is crossing a line with how we defined exclusive, monogamous relationship when we started dating. Scrolling? Sure. Messaging or other communication? No. Ideally he wouldn’t be scrolling either because I wouldn’t know if he’s messaging and if I know he’s scrolling, then the opportunity to do so is too great.
Talk to your partner about boundaries.
My ex was only into me. I told him once it bothered me that he watched porn and he just stopped. He was so loyal. I miss that part of him.
I’m currently with a porn addict. He has curbed his use a lot, but it still bothers me that he watches it and I know he checks out instamodels and things like that. I’ve honestly considered leaving for that reason, among others. It’s extremely off putting.
If I date again, I’d have the same issue you’re having and it’s something I worry about.
My boyfriend and I have a hidden folder with videos of us doing it or just me or just him doing it solo so when we are apart (he travels for work and is out of town a lot) we just use that. I want to believe he only uses that and nothing else but I guess you’ll never know lol. He says he does. He knows my stance on porn. We also live together and have sex regularly so it’s not an issue.
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My husband used to watch porn, probably still does occasionally but he’s repeatedly told me, unprovoked, that he can only get off solo anymore if he’s looking at pictures of me. So, I count that as a win, but I don’t mind porn usage much as long as it doesn’t affect our lives together, I watch it too sometimes.
My partner – I would say he’s demisexual because he really has no interest in sex with someone he doesn’t know and while he’s looked at porn, that desire basically disappears when he’s in a relationship. So, no thirst traps on his social media, just lots of nerdy hobbies silly humour.
While there are too many men out there with porn addictions, and slowly more and more people are realizing how harmful that is to relationships, there are men who at least only want to be with one particular lady.
It’s absolutely best to never date a man with this type of addiction, and often it means they’re not able to have sex with their own partner. The myth that any critique of porn use is anti sex is finally fading thankfully, given the reality of how many healthy young men have made themselves incapable of sex due to porn addiction. Frankly, while the responsibility for this is on the men, the rates of SA are higher with men with this type of addiction, plus studies show they have a decrease of empathy for survivors of SA. And of course, many women with a partner like this end up with lasting damage to their self esteem. Often masturbation and porn use are equated as the same thing, but masturbation using one’s own imagination doesn’t have the harmful side effects, unless a guy has a death grip.
But yes, men who are truly monogamous do exist, including men who genuinely want monogamy and are very capable of it for many years.
I think they exist. My partner watches porn sometimes when he needs a release and I’m not there. It doesn’t bother me. He doesn’t look at other women when we’re out and doesn’t comment about other women in a sexual way. He doesn’t follow hot women on Instagram or any of that. I’ve also seriously asked him if he wanted a threesome (I’m bi) and he’s always said no and was serious. He’s only interested in me, so the porn doesn’t bother me at all.
I trust him and we have excellent communication. Whenever I’m feeling insecure or uncomfortable about something, I just tell him about it and we work through things together.