Is it actually a reality for people who ended up getting married who feel like they were the second choice or the one who came after “THE” relationship in their partner’s life? That if things happened differently in their partners relationship or timing worked out, they would’ve preferred a world in which they were with that person? Or maybe that’s the situation for you? Just curious!
Comments
I never felt second place to anyone, really. I’m my own self. I do wish one of them would go away. And I do wish I had another opportunity. Sometimes 5 seconds means so much more than they’ll ever know, you know?
Not at all. Both my husband and I had several relationships before meeting each other, why should I feel second choice? This sounds like a weird concept to me.
Nope. I know I’m the love of his life and he’s mine. I know he didn’t settle or that I was a second choice and its the same for me.
Nope. It does help that my partner was the one who left his first relationship, but basically I’m quite confident he doesn’t have any residual feelings. In his words he felt happier alone than with her and that was when he realised he needed to leave.
As for “the one who got away”, I don’t really believe that. Maybe in very niche scenarios, like you guys were compatible but they had to move away, but for the most part I think people only have this idea because the relationship was quite new or fresh when it ended and so what’s happened is they’ve filled in all the gaps with the most ideal idea of that person, making them seem more ideal than they actually were had they stuck around and you really learned all the things about them and all the things you weren’t compatible with. Personally, every relationship I’ve had that ended in my view ended for a very good reason and I really have no desire to revisit them.
I have been pretty lucky that all of my partners were extremely devoted to me and thought I was the best thing ever. They have sucked in other ways but that was never an issue
Yes, and that’s one of the reasons I won’t date. My ex spouse and I were each other’s firsts for almost everything. I simply don’t see how another person will ever be able to compare to that. We were together for a decade starting in our early 20’s. He’d kissed a few people before me, but never had a serious relationship. So we really grew up together. We were the first people the other lived with, we bought our first new cars together, we got dogs together, we got married, we bought a house together, and took numerous trips together. I don’t see how another guy could compare. Not that another guy couldn’t compare to my ex, but the experiences simply could not compare.
I’m not in a relationship, but I have never once dealt with this. People who are still in love with their exes shouldn’t be dating, unless perhaps they’re poly.
No, he’s treated me far differently and better than his exes. From the first hello, he decided I was his “dream girl.” I know if something ever happens to us, the next one will be second place to me for him.
No, but that’s something I’m scared to encounter. I’m in my early 30s, I’ve dated and had sex but I’ve never loved anyone. But I think it would be hard to meet someone who is in similar position like me. Not that I think you cannot love more than ones, but I did came across men who were still thinking hard about their ex’s (they had other relationships after that).
No.
My guy was in a long term (nine year) relationship before we met, but I’ve never felt insecure about it. They broke up five years before we crossed paths, and he’s always been able to reflect on it from a mature point of view.
We love each other endlessly and so there’s no discomfort. I trust him completely.
Yes to the second part…. But logically, there’s a reason we didn’t end up together. There’s no guarantee we would be compatible in the long run despite the intense connection we had THEN. The timing never worked out and it just feels “incomplete.” Like we never got to really explore it. Like there should have been more even if we weren’t meant to be forever. He’s married to a woman who seems to be his perfect match. It’s painful but I’m really happy for him. We are not the same people we were 20 yrs ago.
I researched some of Carl Jung’s theories about this phenomenon. In a nutshell, he teaches that“the one who got away” has more to do with something within the self more so than something external. Like maybe there was a version of oneself during that relationship that got lost or distorted.. maybe there was no closure. Idk but it makes sense. I do think we romanticize the past, especially as we age out of our youth or go through rough patches in our partnerships. You can search his name and the topic on YouTube. It’s enlightening for sure.
All in all, I don’t feel like my husband is second. We are great together. Nothing else can be like it was then and nothing else can be what I have now with him. I would not damage/end our marriage to explore that past connection if the opportunity ever arises. It’s a sweet memory. That’s all.
In my view, it’s my responsibility to make sure no one I’m connected to feels like an afterthought.
Even in non-monogamy, there’s no excuse for ambiguity about where someone stands. Clarity, care, and presence aren’t finite resources. If a partner feels second place, something’s off—either in how you’re leading or how you’re communicating.