Me and my partner have a young baby. My MIL refers to the baby as “my baby”. This seemed to bother my partner in the beginning more than me so we thought about how we can address it. It happened again a few days ago and as we have planned, my partner said “But I’m your baby! [Baby’s name] is your grandbaby!” since we planned to make a gentle correction without too much drama.
To this, my MIL replied with “I will call the baby whatever I want.” It was in sort of a mocking way. My partner then said, “We want relationships to be clear to [baby]. We don’t want to confuse.” MIL laughs and dismisses saying she even calls her dog her baby and that it will not be confusing.
Well after that exchange, the “my baby” thing bothers me too. Has this happened to anyone else? How did you address it?
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She keeps saying it then put her in time out, each time, then longer until she gets it
Nope you’re not in the wrong at all! She’s completely dismissing your boundaries and being disrespectful. This might seem like a small thing, but chances are that she will continue to dismiss your boundaries around your child.
“I will have MY baby around people that respects my boundaries” walk up and leave. Let your partner handle her if she throws a fit.
Not wrong at all! It is not “her” baby. She cannot call your child “whatever she wants”. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right.
You and partner need to discuss the consequences when she does this, or any other boundary crossing. For example, “you called our child your baby yet again despite telling you the reasons why we don’t like this, so we’re ending this visit now, and you don’t get to see us for a week.”
Make sure you enforce them equally, regardless if it’s you two together or it’s one of you alone. No softening from either of you, or she’ll scent your weakness, and just do it again until you cave.
Do this now, don’t wait for her to stomp on your boundaries again. Also, don’t ever leave her alone with your child if that’s her attitude.
MIL did this one time. She said “How is my baby!” To which, at the same time, I pointed at her son and said “he’s fine.” And my husband said, “this is OUR baby.”
She never pulled that again.
Your MIL is hearing a boundary and lacking a consequence. “If you refer to our baby as your baby again, we’re going to end the visit/ leave/ hang up the phone.” She is going to throw a fit, scream, yell, try to guilt trip, threaten to pull support away.
Let her.
If you’re not comfortable with something involving YOUR child, you have a right to set a boundary. The worse response you get to your boundary, the more you should feel justified in setting it. Her feelings about your boundaries are hers to manage.
And the possessive comment isn’t an overly-excited or innocent thing. She is claiming your child even after she was told this was not okay. She doubled down because she feels entitled and lacks respect for you as parents.
My MIL did this too while I was pregnant, my husband needed to shut it down with her. It’s weirdly possessive for anyone other than the parents to call a baby “theirs”
It took a few times though, and she argued with him as well on it. It wasn’t until my husband was direct with her that it wasn’t ok that she stopped.
When she inevitably does it again, “Mil, I had thought we’d made it clear last time you called LO my baby, however it seems you didn’t get the message so let me be direct, LO is not your baby so you won’t be referring that she is, let’s not make it a swinging dick situation, because you will lose . Titles are important to us, if you want one in baby’s life, you’ll need to respect our request.”
I’d threaten her to have the kid call her lucifer, if she doesn’t comply…
”Oh here is lucifer in the flesh”
”Lucifer brought my baby a gift”
”Lucifer is sad that she can’t give birth anymore ”
I have more!
I think immediate correction is warranted and necessary. It happened to dh and I with our firstborn. MIL referred to our new baby as her baby just once and I had an immediate reaction. I said, “No. This is my baby, not yours. You’ve had your babies already. You are the gramma, not the mom.” Thankfully, she never did it again.
Keep doing what your partner is doing – Shut. This. Down.
“I can call the baby whatever l want” and not listening to your partner’s gentle corrections is a red flag. You need to nip this in the bud QUICKLY because she will get worse as your baby gets older.
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You aren’t wrong. She isn’t, either. But your MIL is still being a jerk because she knows you don’t like it.
My MIL is mainly JustYes, so she quit that nonsense right away when she screeched “Where’s my baby?!” and I pointed at my husband on the couch and said “He’s right there.” Your MIL is obviously more down the JustNo path.
It might be best for your husband to deal with her and tell her flat-out that neither of you like it, it’s not okay, and if she can’t stop herself, then she’ll be the grandma that never sees the grandbaby.
As an aside, I’m probably closer to your MIL’s age than yours since my classmates are increasingly becoming grandparents. And I call my dog “my baby,” too. But not every dog or every baby is mine. I’m sorry your MIL sucks.
How does your husband feel about her parenting in general? My issue with my mother using “my baby” on my children is that she was awful to her own babies. I don’t think I’d care much if I thought she was a decent mother.
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My sister does this with my nieces babies and ngl, it grosses me out a little. But she is someone who tends to make everything about her.
My mom used to call my daughter her baby when she was a infant. It was no big deal because she didn’t have any problem accepting her role as a grandmother and stepping back for us, the parents.I think it depends if she acts like it’s a do over baby, then all references to “hers” has to stop until she realizes her placw.
If it’s the only problem with MIL I’d brush it off and would reply to “how’s my baby?” like “DH’s name was such a good boy today!”. Baby wouldn’t be confused as her parents are always a priority.
The “my baby,” thing is to establish the relationship that she wants. You should absolutely correct her and address it every time.
Someone in this sub once responded with something like, “if you keep calling LO, “my baby,” we will call you, “grandmother we never see.”
I also suggest, “that’s not your baby. Your baby is in the kitchen/office/bathroom. This is OUR BABY.”
My mother tried that “my baby” crap with my son. She soon stopped after I abruptly reminded her that he was MY baby, her grandson and to stop making it about her. She stopped the my baby crap immediately. Had she kept on she would have received another earful. However, she fully leaned into her nanna role and didn’t rock the boat again like that.
She calls your baby whatever she wants, but you don’t owe her visits and holding the baby.
If she keeps it up, you and your partner will be very ‘busy‘ for the next few weeks/months.
Don’t bother with announcing low contact. Just put her in timeout.
You give her another chance, she pulls the ‘my baby’, you take your kid, and you leave.
Rinse and repeat.
She’ll learn… eventually.
Honestly I think this one depends on your relationship with the grandma. If grandma knows her place, doesn’t push boundaries, is respectful to the parents, and doesn’t act like she’s another parent, then I think “my baby” is fine. I also think the term “my baby” can be used as a general term of endearment, without meaning that the person who said it thinks the baby is actually theirs.
However, if you have a grandparent who oversteps, thinks of themselves as another parent, and disrespect the parents then yeah I would draw hardline about them using this term.
“We are LO’s parents. She is OUR baby. Your relationship to her is that of grandmother, not mother. You need to respect that LO’s primary relationship is with us, and stop using that term.”
Or, you could go the route my father did: when he ran into this situation with my (maternal) grandmother, he said, “That’s funny: I was there when Cicadas was conceived, and I could swear that you weren’t.” Cue my religious grandmother turning 27 shades of red…but apparently it worked.
Oh dear,
Her ‘mocking’ and ‘dismissing’ tells me a lot about her. I think you might need to buckle up and read a few more posts.
MIL did it to me, as well. I bit my tongue on this one because I felt I was giving her what she wanted If I reacted. She also called my LO “our baby”.
FIL corrected her the first time, he told her ‘LO is not your baby’. That didn’t stop her.
I think you have an advantage in that your partner doesn’t like it. Your partner should be the one to tell her: You call baby ‘my baby’ again and this is what I am going to do [consequence].She is not going to like it. She probably won’t stop, But now you know what you and your partner will do.
I will think twice about continuing to be ‘not direct’ with her, especially if you notice that gets you nowhere. And if you think she will give you a hard time when your partner is not there, avoid being left alone with her. Trust your instincts right now.
You are not starting any drama, MIL is!
“That’s good to know. I will go forward keeping that in mind.” Then every time she calls LO her baby in a phone call, the phone call ends with “while you may feel you have the right to call LO whatever you want, we have the right to end this call immediately when you do so.” Same for visits.
If it bothers you both, don’t put up with it.
No you’re not wrong! You must correct her every time! I have 2 grandchildren. A girl and a boy. Both 3 years old. I could never say what your mil says. I say, for example, You are grandma’s darling/sweetheart/little one. I love both deeply.
“O dear MIL, you obviously can’t remember baby’s name or your dog’s. You obviously have some mental issues, we really should get you checked out.”
Get a squirt bottle of water and squirt her in the face every time she does it, then reprimand her like she’s a misbehaving pet. “No! Bad Grandma!” 😆
The flow chart for this is really simple.
Is it her baby?
Yes – you’re wrong.
No – you’re right.
Feel free to show her this comment. 💙
With people like your MIL, you can’t be subtle.You’re not speaking her language–hers is loud, brash, & demanding.
Next time she says this, you/your partner should say “Cut the crap. No more ‘my baby’ stuff. It’s rude, and it’s wrong. Knock it off if you want to be a part of her life!”
If she refuses, if it continues, put her in time-out for a few weeks.
This isn’t even about the “my baby” thing. If you let her break this boundary without issue, what else will she think she’s entitled to do? She gets with the actual parents’ program or she can sit out until she can behave.
She’s doubling down because you embarrassed her by having the audacity to correct her on something she sees as a non-issue. It sounds like you & your partner have asked nicely already, so rename Grandma right back. MIL is now “Bobo”. Why? Because you can call her whatever you want. She established that rule herself, be a follower.
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Well, since she doesn’t get it with gentle remnders, give a directive.
“It makes ME uncomfortable when you refer to MY child as your baby. Please refer to LO by name or approved nickname only.”
No need to explain, justify or expand. I don’t like it, don’t do that with/to MY kid is sufficient.
The message needs to come from your partner, preferably in a separate call, email, text or conversation.
When MIL gives the inevitable “but I’m grandma”, “I can do whatever I want”, “your rules do not apply to me” bullshit, your partner needs to immediately respond with a restatement of expectations and a reminder that you and partner are the final authority on anything to do with your kids.
SO can sign off with something like:
> Mom this is actually really important to me. You don’t need to say anything right now, I’m not trying to turn this into a big deal, I just want you to see things from my perspective. Please respect my decisions as LO’s parent, and stop calling LO your baby.
Make sure that there are consequences for her actions too. Not just for the ‘my baby’ issue, but any boundary. You can put her in Time Out for example. Only allow supervised visits if she’s had non supervised visits before. Just make sure you and DH are on the same page and you’ll be fine.
They can call the baby whatever they want, and you can choose not to have the baby anywhere near them until they learn to respect your boundaries!
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I think it depends on how the MIL acts about other things in your relationship. If she’s the typical JustNo then calling your baby ‘my baby’ needs to stop as it’s manipulative. But if she’s a pretty good MIL, I’d let it slide.
MIL “I’ll call the baby whatever I want.” You: Not if you want to keep visiting the baby. Visit ends, and she is escorted out. You are the parents you set the rules and the consequences. And there must be consequences. Boundaries without consequences are merely suggestions.
Absolutely not wrong, this is one of the most toxic behaviors imaginable for a MIL. At no point is she the mother, at no point is it her baby in any kind of way. Her role as a grandparent is limited to what her behavior and your generosity entails. At no point can she even start pretending to be a mother figure to the baby.
Anything else is gross and unethical
How incredibly rude. Correct her every time.
Be petty and any time LO comes up in conversation with MIL make sure you clearly refer to her as “Your GRANDbaby”. She’ll get the message eventually.
Ugh. I hate this for the both of you. Idk why a lot of grandparents don’t think their actions make their own kids feel so small when they have their own children..
don’t feel bad about correcting! Especially if she’s pushing back.
My in laws would constantly push back on this exact matter and 2.5 years and another baby later, they’re still going strong with “no, their our babies too” because they’re a-holes with entitlement issues. I got crass one time and said to my baby, “no, you’re mommy and daddy’s baby because daddy put you in mommy and mommy made you and pushed you out.” Looked my MIL right in the eye and just smiled. She was grossed out and we all just laughed
This just recently happened to me a little less than a year ago and was done in a passively disrespectful way that was small but after millions of micro aggressions was the straw that broke the camels back… my response – loud and proud – “sorry MIL, I missed the part where you f**ked DH?” I was met with a lot of silence but got my point across and I haven’t spoken to her since.
Hit her with the old “if you don’t knock it off, we’ll be calling you the grandma we never see.”
Oof. My child will be my MIL’s 4th grand baby. She calls them all “her baby” and even worse, her grandmother name is “mama” for them… yes as in mother. I plan to bring this up before my child is born that this isn’t okay with me and she will have to adjust how she refers to herself and my child. However, I haven’t quite figured out how to bring up yet (we are no contact right now for other reasons so I don’t have to yet) but I know it will be uncomfortable bc my husband’s brother’s families have already normalized it. Primary reason I don’t like it is the same as your partner mentioned because it is confusing for the child!!! All this to say, you are not in the wrong, she is absolutely wrong for saying she will call your child whatever she wants. Set a firm boundary, saying “my grand baby” is perfectly endearing and acceptable. “My baby” is not.
Boundaries, now. She won’t stop.
Correct her EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.
Every and any time she calls LO “HER baby” correct her. No, this is my baby, this is our baby, this is partner and I baby.
Start time outs; if she won’t stop, then she doesn’t need to see LO. That simple.
Even my mum repeatedly calling my unborn child ‘my grandson’s is driving me nuts. She constantly messages, ‘how is my grandson doing today?’ 1. I have no idea he isn’t born yet 2. It just rubs me up the wrong way to constantly emphasise ‘my grandson’ I can’t even explain why.
My mum says this all the time to my kids and I’m fine with it… because she’s mostly a justyes. She doesn’t make any other claims on my children, she understands that I’m in charge, and if I asked her to stop she would think I was weird, but she would eventually stop (after forgetting a few times but she’s had a stroke, so she gets a pass.) She’s not saying they are hers, she’s calling them hers as in her loved ones.
That’s the difference. You know when it’s ok and when it’s not. You know whether your MIL has earned the right or not. Trust your instincts and stand by what you’ve said. Nothing like a break from someone to encourage them back into their lane!
We directly told my MIL to stop. Didn’t tiptoe
It isn’t about what is being said. It is about disrespect. She is not respecting your wishes as the parents of the baby and is trying to establish a power dynamic in which she gets to do what she wants and you put up with it.
It is time for you to decide how to deal with her. This behavior will get worse as the baby gets older.
Next time tell her to stop or there will be consequences.
Then if she doesn’t stop give her consequences like a time out.
Honestly I feel like this is quite a common thing to happen, some people it bothers others it doesn’t.
The real issue here is you’ve asked her not to do it and her response is that ‘she will call baby whatever she wants’. Where does that line end? Will she say whatever she wants to your child? Will she disregard your input as parents when she baby sits and do whatever she wants? She has no respect for the fact that you are the parents and what you say should go. This needs to be nipped in the bud.
If you’re petty like me you could also start doing the same back to her. ‘Okay MIL we will start calling you whatever we want too’
‘Oh look LO nanny boundary stomper is here’
‘HI rude ass MIL’
‘How are you today loud mouth?’
When she gets annoyed and upset and tells you to stop you can hit her with ‘I thought it was okay to call people whatever you want’ lol
Make your mil super uncomfortable. Hubby needs to say “ew. I made my baby with ____ not you.”
If you are going to confuse our baby, every time you tell her an untruth we will correct you and leave. Your choice.
Tell her soon she’ll be called that lady we use to know.
You can either end the visit/conversation next time she does it or take the approach DH and I did with his mom.
If she asked how’s my baby I’d tell her to ask DH or he would respond with how he was doing. If she asked where her baby was I’d tell her where DH was. She stopped doing it really quick especially when we did this in front of other people.
The calling the baby “my baby” thing, on its own, is weird but shouldn’t have been a big deal probably. But when she refuses to listen to you, the parents, you suddenly have a much bigger problem.
I would tell her straight up to cut it out or she’ll be known to baby as memaw…
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I used to think “my baby” was weird until I became a grandma 1 month ago. I find my self saying “oh my baby boy!” When he is handed to me. Because of this and other subs I try to make a conscious effort to say “my buddy” instead of baby, but it just comes out naturally. Not in a possessive way, but in an affectionate way. My daughter does not have a problem with it but I don’t want to cross unspoken boundaries unnecessarily. But my how it just slips out.
Now, if MIL has been told not to, and doesn’t correct herself when it comes out thats an issue.
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I never understood the ‘my baby’ thing upsetting people. I’ve called all 18 of my nieces and nephews my babies, my girl, my boy, my whatever. They were never once confused as to who was their parents. However the parents didn’t have an issue with it and if they did for whatever reason, I would have immediately stopped.
Even if we don’t understand it, we should always respect people’s decisions especially in regards to their children.
I think having a more serious conversation about it (not in the jokey way) would help get the point across that you guys actually want her to stop. If you are okay with her saying my grandbaby tell her that.
You have to be blunt in telling her that she is the grandmother to YOUR child and that is a gift NOT A ‘RIGHT’ period!
It really depends on the type of relationship both of you have with the grandmother. It’s not her place to decide anything when it comes to your baby. In some situations, this is considered harmless and in others the JUSTNOMILs are trying to replace the mothers. Since your MIL has disrespected your wishes and even gone as far as to mock your parental authority then it’s time to place boundaries with consequences. Your MIL needs to understand that it’s not for her to understand as neither of the parents are asking for her permission in regards to the baby. She doesn’t have to understand nor agree with your decisions but she sure as hell needs to listen, respect, and support the wishes of the parents. And support doesn’t mean compliance with back biting comments either.
She’s really dismissive of your boundaries and needs to be checked. The gentle way didn’t work so a stronger message may work. Maybe ending the visit, or stopping her and saying she’s grandma and not a parent, she will follow your guidance or there will be consequences.
Set boundaries then ENFORCE them.
She says ‘ my baby,’ she’s banned from seeing/holding baby for day/week.
I think calling a grandchild my baby is common and doesn’t bother a lot of people. I think it becomes more a point of contention when a grandparent crosses other boundaries and seems to be possessive. It is then triggering. I think saying we think it’ll confuse the baby was a bit of a cop out instead of saying we don’t like it, stop doing it or we’ll end the visit. MIL sounds like she likes to push boundaries and you need to be firm.
I am a grandmom who tries really hard to NOT be a Just no MIL. However, I admit to saying “who’s Mom-Mom’s baby?” or “Are you my baby?” I said that to my own kids, too. I try to be conscious of it and honestly don’t mean they are my babies as opposed to their mommy and daddy’s babies….it just slips out out of habit.
However, if the parents objected to it, I would apologize profusely and NOT be saying “I can call the baby whatever I want.” That’s where I draw the line, because it IS their baby and they DO have the final say.
sounds like grandma needs a time out
That was an expert steamrolling she just did for a simple request. Your partner said to stop, she brushed it off and doubled down, so time for consequences. “Mom I told you I don’t want you calling LO ‘my baby’. I asked nicely the first time. Your visit is over now and we will speak to you later.”
It’s not the request as much as it’s about disregarding a parenting choice. If she refuses to follow simple ones then she will refuse to follow major boundaries.
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“The difference is mother, the dog belongs to you, our baby doesn’t. Our baby is exactly that, OUR baby. Please just start using ‘my grandchild’ or similar because we don’t others trying to claim our baby as theirs, even in a joking way”
Not a hill to die on. Unless she crosses boundaries in other ways.
I’ve heard older women do this, its so freaking weird.
My mum said it once (as a joke) and my partner shut it down HARD. “No, he’s your grand child. He is (me) and my baby. Don’t call him your baby or you can go home.” To be clear i in no way felt threatened or anything, but for him it was a hard boundary and even wasn’t tolerated as a joke. To be clear he would have done the same with his mum too.
It hasn’t negatively affected their relationship and she hasn’t done it again (nor would she, she was very sheepish and apologetic about it once she realized how upset he was), but when you are gentle about correcting something people don’t recognize it as a boundary. They treat it like a negotiation.
“But I’m your baby, this is your grand baby” sounds like playing. It doesn’t come across as “mum, don’t call our baby your baby. If you do it again we will ask you to leave/will leave.” If it’s a hard boundary make it known that it’s a hard boundary, be clear that it’s a non negotiable and that you will enforce consequences if they cross the boundary.
The other thing is never set a consequence you aren’t prepared or willing to follow through on. Once the consequence is named, they don’t get any strikes or warnings or reminders. If you don’t follow through it sends the message that you aren’t firm on the boundary and then they will experiment (usually subconsciously) with how far they can push it before it’s actually enforced. Then when the consequence is finally enforced they come back acting shocked/confused/angry because well you let them get away with it previously without consequences, why are they being punished now? Then you guys get the guilt trip, flying monkeys etc… big mess.
If you enforce the consequence they will likely still argue but they can’t argue with “we told you this would happen if you did it again, you did it again. We will talk about this later but we are serious about this boundary.” And they will likely back peddle. STILL ENFORCE THE CONSEQUENCE. This is SO important. An apology is still required but it doesn’t erase the consequence. They will probably still blow up family and friends but “we told her wha would happen if she did it again, she did it again. She will have another chance next time but we are making this boundary very clear that we are serious about this and this way she will remember it for next time.”
Finally, husband needs to be the one to shut this down. If you get involved now she will project this as you being the one with the issue. He sets the boundary, you back him up. He was too soft the first time – if you come in harder than him she will twist the narrative as you being the one with the issue and creating drama. It worked with my partner because there was no time to think or discuss it – he jumped in and drew the line in the sand with no hesitation. There was no room for push back. Your husband gave her room for push back, now he has to be the one to draw the line.
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I’d be petty.
“Ok then, we will call you what we want. [Partner] I think this visit is over and Crusty Old Harpy needs to go home.”
I think I would say something like “Are you saying that OUR CHILD is the same importance to you as your DOG?!? If that’s the case we may need to rethink how you fit into this equation.” And then look at your partner with this horrified confused look.
To be honest the real issue isn’t her calling your baby “my baby”, the issue is her complete disregard for your partners boundaries. Your partner made it clear that they didn’t like it and gave a reason why and MIL just steamrolled it and made it clear she doesn’t care how your partner feels about it and that’s not okay. This is your and your partners child not hers and you get to decide what is and isn’t okay and your MIL needs to respect that and the longer you allow her to continue disrespecting those boundaries the more boundaries she will push past. This particular boundary may not be that big a deal but to just let it go (especially if it’s still bothering you both) is a president you don’t want to set.