As a guy in his thirties, this floors me. I constantly see couples where the woman clearly puts in a lot of effort: she has a coordinate style, her clothes are flattering for her body, and everything (clothes, jewelry, makeup, etc.) matches or compliments. Her hair is done in some intentional way or another. I could go on.
And then the guy next to them looks like they haven’t learned how to dress beyond rolling out of bed and picking the first two articles of clothing he sees. If they’re wearing any accessories, they don’t enhance the outfit. They pay any attention to their hair or just use gel to plaster it to their head.
As a recently single mid thirties guy, I gotta ask: is this what y’all are looking for, or are you just settling because that’s how the majority of men are? I’m starting to second guess how much work I put into my appearance (coordinated outfits/accessories/hair/etc.).
Don’t get me wrong, I dress the way I do for me. I like being put together. But I also don’t want to be actively repelling potential partners with all this effort 😅
Any thoughts are appreciated!
Edit: I feel like a lot of people are misunderstanding my post and thinking I’m saying “you’re settling if you don’t have a partner who doesn’t put a lot of effort into looks.” That’s not what I meant at all.
Comments
I haven’t dated men in a while myself (though recently have been feeling the desire to again), but I notice this too and yes, it bothers me! I wouldn’t be okay with it. I don’t need partners to necessarily put in the same amount of effort I do, but certainly some effort.
My guess would be that this is settling most of the time – I think most people would prefer that their partners put effort into their appearance. You won’t be repelling potential partners!
As long as my husband dresses appropriately for the occasion, and his clothes are properly fitting him, I don’t care what he wears. It’s not settling, I do what I do with my presentation for me because it’s what makes me feel at my best, I just expect him to have the emotional and social awareness to dress appropriately for whatever we’re going to, so no gym shorts at the michelin star restaurant and no fights about wearing collared shirts to weddings.
My husband puts a lot of effort into his appearance. I don’t think I’ve dated anyone who didn’t?
My boyfriend has no interest or talent in fashion and I could not care less. I’m not settling. He has variations of one outfit and looks good in it. I don’t think I’d care if he put more effort in
Usually my husband looks a lot more put together than I do. He has a nice and fitting style (alternative/military/outdoor looks) and embraces it.
I’m settling, yes.
Looking sharp can definitely set you out from the crowd. So in your case, yeah put in some effort and you’ll likely get good responses to that.
IDK I like it when a guy spends less time than me in the bathroom.. As long as he is clean and clean clothes I like it. Plus draws in less competition from succubi
I personally find it unattractive when a guy puts in a lot of effort ( geled hair, designer clothes etc) to me it looks like trying too hard and being insecure the older the guy is the worse it looks. Just age gracefully and take care of your health and hygiene
I also love nice soft hair I can play with or a buzz cut
Also IDK why your post is getting down voted …
I put in what I consider to be a low to moderate amount of effort, and date men who put in the same. It would feel unbalanced if I dated someone who put in a high amount, or none at all.
Here’s a perspective to consider- different people are attracted to different things. Sometimes “opposites” attract in that sense because maybe to that woman she’s into someone more casual.
Sure there’s an air of truth to what you are saying that there’s societal expectations on women’s appearances more than there are for men. I think there’s definitely a degree of pressure to present well as a woman. People think it’s okay to tell me their opinions about my looks in ways I don’t see the men in my life subjected to and I can see how one might decide to care about appearances to avoid uncomfortable conversations like those.
I am a woman that can be pretty “extra” with a more casual partner. However he is not sloppy, has excellent hygiene, trims his beard nicely and he smells fantastic as he likes fragrances. Man literally sprayed BDK Charnel Gris to go to bed, but he wears jeans, a band T and vans. He could if he liked fashion as he clearly has expensive taste in other respects, but he rather spend 1k on more guitar pedals this week. 😅 He can dress up- on our wedding renewal he wore a maroon suit jacket, khaki pants and a floral tie so man can do flare and isn’t a boring blue republican ass looking suit wearer.
I’ve dated men very into style and it was appreciated but at the same time, it’s not the exterior that makes for partnership. This one has a smile that makes the world melt away.
Also when a guy is attractive and stylish people really act like he’s a higher prize. My ex and I would get mean comments how I didn’t “deserve” him essentially. That gets tiring. Even if you are peers really you’d get rated lower and people will believe you should be “above ” him.
You aren’t repelling anyone as being yourself will filter those that don’t resonate and that’s for everyone’s benefit. Someone who you’re theyre type will see it so why are you even considering this?
No, actually I like my men well groomed.
Lack of hygiene, style or will to be attractive for me as a partner is an immediate turn off for me. If we spend a weekend together and you don’t hop in the shower once or I need to remind you to brush your teeth, that’s our last weekend.
If I feel embarassed taking you to important events, because you lack basic etiquette or any sense of how to dress, you cannot be my partner.
In general I’m not looking for a pet, I want a partner.
My partner actually puts way more effort into his appearance than I do, but OK.
My partner probably puts even more effort into his appearances than I do, and the fact that he has a sense of style that he cares about was something I found very sexy about him. So I wouldn’t worry about it being a turn off.
My husband & I are both low effort people. The best I ever look is “mostly put together” so we match pretty well.
As long as my partner is dressed appropriately for the occasion and is well groomed (hair is cut, beard is trimmed) that is all I care about. I don’t care about coordinated outfits, or accessories.
I didn’t settle. I don’t like it when men are overly put together. I am not into designer anything and I don’t want a partner who is. And I definitely don’t want a partner who takes longer to get ready then I do, and I don’t want to have to fight for or share bathroom time to get ready.
Also, the societal expectations for women and how they present themselves are a lot different than they are for men.
I expect the men I’m with to be clean and reasonably well-groomed. Clothing should be tidy and in good repair. He should know the basics of fit and colour theory. He should be willing to dress to whatever occasion we’re attending.
My current bf I had to take shopping a few times to the stores I liked and show him what looks good AND that the prices weren’t bad. He puts effort into his hair and face but I think he didn’t understand fashion. He barely has an opinion on how I dress, often tells me he has no idea what looks good and that if I like it is fine.
My son is only 7, he has tons of opinions on my outfits and I’m often impressed on how accurate his observations are. He also likes to dress good and cares about appropriate clothes for occasions. He will definitely care about fashion when he gets older and I am sure he will care his partner also cares.
I think everyone is different – and as much effort I put into myself, I also know that my bf has his comfort and preferences. He doesn’t always know what looks good on him vs what he just likes. I’m sure he’ll always be that way.
My husband gets his hair done regularly, shaves, looks after his hygiene, keeps his clothes clean
and dresses appropriately for occasion. Do I care that he doesn’t coordinate outfits and accessories- absolutely not. To assume that someone settles just because their partner doesn’t dress to someone else’s standards and sense of style is a bit wild. To me more important is the values he has than his ability to coordinate accessories.
As long as my man is dressed appropriately for the occasion and location I’m good.
I’d definitely prefer men to be hotter lol
We women are definitely settling because so many men are fat slobs haha and it is very annoying how much extreme effort society expects women to put in just to be ‘acceptable’!
If a guy even puts in a tiny bit of effort it really stands out to me and is very attractive. The bar is so low that it is SO easy to be hot as a guy
From someone who is around wealthy people. I think it really depends what you’re looking for…
I think it’s very important to care for you appearance. Health, hygiene, dressing well and smelling great is very important. You don’t need to over do it but, clean clothes, coordinated outfits…
Unless you’re a billionaire…people care, especially if they’re doing business with you, trying to date you etc. I have helped my bf so much with his style! I think it has really helped his confidence too! Because when you feel you look good and put together…you feel amazing.
My husband puts way more thought into his appearance than I do on a regular basis. I don’t care one way or another as long as the dishes are done and cat litter is cleaned. Some of my women friends on dating apps actively avoid men who seem too styled (jewelry, accessories, threaded eyebrows, etc).
I’d rather worry about the bullshit pressure on women that we need eyelash extensions, fake nails, fully colour coordinated loungewear and all this other bullshit just to go get the mail and men are allowed to just shower and be clean and dressed. Forcing them to feel horrible all the time over idk, toe hairs, or the warm-white buttons on their shirt not matching the undertone of their shoes, or makeup to shame every part of their body and contouring their face and biceps… it all seems like bullshit.
We should both be allowed to shower, get dressed, brush our hair and leave.
My husband puts effort into his appearance when it’s needed, but we both live in comfortable lounge clothing 90% of the time.
If it’s date night, he will dress up in slacks and a button down. For work meetings, he’s in a suit and tie. For special events, he asks me what I’m wearing so he can dress accordingly and match his tie to my outfit.
I think there’s a balance. I don’t really care about their effort into their appearance as long as they have generally good personal hygiene, but I do think it says something about them if they either put zero effort into it or way too much effort into it. Like making sure their hair/beard is neatly trimmed and they look generally presentable–great. Unkempt hair and sloppy clothes or on the other end spending hours in the bathroom gelling their hair, maintaining facial hair, picking out the perfect outfit–no thanks.
Anecdotally I’ve noticed with men I’ve dated the ones that put more effort into their appearance also put more effort into the relationship so I think there’s also something to it in that regard as well. Like first impressions matter and if they aren’t willing to put the effort into presenting themselves decently what else will they not put the effort into?
I think it just depends on the individuals in this case.
I’m pretty low effort with my physical appearance and I’m fine with a partner who is the same. Just be clean and somewhat put together and that’s fine with me. All the men I’ve dated who were extremely well dressed and well groomed were also total psychopaths lol.
I think you should just wear what makes you feel good and also dress for the type of woman you want to attract. Some women prefer an Armani suit and others are more into a heavy metal band tshirt haha
I avoided this by declined to go on dates with schlubby dudes. My dude now isn’t a clothes horse by any means, but he puts in effort and cares a great deal about how I think he looks. Not because I have a habit of criticizing his choices, he just wants to look nice for me specifically instead of the general public. He’s clean, clean cut, his clothes are flattering / fit well and aren’t wrinkled. He usually asks me what I’m wearing to any given event so that he can match the vibe.
That may not sound like a lot but it’s more than most dudes I’ve known.
I feel that how you present yourself to the world has significance.
As a guy that maybe you could say the same for me, no, I was really never teached on how to combine, and I don’t know, I just use what is comfortable to me.
Most of the people that knows how I think learned by intuition but not everyone functions like that.
I like a casual man, and I’m usually a casual lady. Trendy when I agree with the trend. When I dress up more, he dresses up more by seeing what I’m wearing (if we leave the house together). Groomed is expected, as well as clothes that fit and match. If you look like you spend a lot of time on your hair, style of dress, etc, you would not be my type, as I’d also expect you to want all that fuss in your partner all the time.
I enjoy dressing up to be my man’s arm charm. I don’t care how much effort he puts in as long as he’s clean. That’s just not his personality and I adore him.
Everyone is different. But having a sense of style is definitely something that makes someone more attractive to me by a lot.
I think the current generation of mid 30 men have zero sense of self. The upcoming generation of younger 30 men have a higher regard of self care. Also testosterone plummets for men in their 30s which also affects motivation, energy level and fat accumulation
I’ve dated guys who care about their appearance and guys who don’t as much. While I appreciate men that play around with fashion, it’s not an essential quality I need in a partner. I like to dress up when I go out but I’m honestly a slob in sweatpants 99% of the time I’m at home so it would be weird for me to make demands of others. Hygiene is important to me though.
In the past I had low self-esteem and settled for sloppy men even though it’s not my preference. They still mistreated me. Now I’ll stay single before I let a slob in my bed or home. I spend big money on my appearance and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a guy dressed like a toddler stand next to me and get credit for MY appearance.
eh, it’s just not something my partner is interested in and that’s fine for me. it’s not like he’s a complete slob, he’s just more of a simple jeans and t-shirt person. i’m totally okay being the pretty dressed up one lol
I definitely want my partner to be just as put together as I am, if we are going out. At home you need to have basic hygiene covered. I shower/shave/shampoo, put on nice clothes, makeup to go out and I do not want to deal with someone who can’t even get a haircut or have basic hygiene.
A man with his own clothing style is so hot, not someone who just pieces stuff together like you said.
I do however, think that a lot of men just have different priorities. I’m more attracted to the put together/pretty boy type who are often players unfortunately. Sometimes nice guys are more plain jane since they aren’t worried about their looks or attention, but it’s definitely a draw back for me.
I never dated slobs, as it’s a red flag for other character traits, too.
My husband is well groomed and always appropriately dressed. I have never been embarrassed by him and he often asks for my input.
Fashionista men aren’t my type, because I’m also more down to earth and it wouldn’t be a good match.
My boyfriend doesn’t care much for clothing but he’s well groomed, appears put together and is hygienic. I don’t ask for more than that, plus he does clean up well when it’s required of him. Otherwise, I’m ok with the general casual outfits
My husband is probably better groomed than me half the time. He IRONS his shirts (I have ironed like once in my life).
Personal grooming matters and the lack of it was a huge reason I wasn’t interested in men around me when I was younger.
My husband dresses decently, is very clean and keeps himself put together. And I appreciate it!
Plus it encourages me to keep myself put together.
I mean yeah. I am. IDGAF as long as he’s clean.
But I’m very low maintenance and simple in my appearance. Don’t wear makeup. Same earrings every day except really special events. I coordinate my clothes out of compulsion (the same reason I eat M&Ms in color matched pairs lol), no bigger reason than that.
These things simply are not important to me. At all.
My husband and I are both pretty low effort, though I will remind him when he’s overdue for a haircut lol. But we are both clean and groomed, usually casual but dress for the occasion.
I think fashionable women and those who spend more time/money on appearance will appreciate a man that does the same, even if they sometimes “settle” for less. You might be scaring away more low-maintenance women – I know I would assume you just wouldn’t be interested in someone like me. And that’s okay, different strokes for different folks 😊
My fiance puts in effort to dress well, smell good and keep his hair neat. He’s also gotten into lifting and bodybuilding during our relationship so he’s been in various stages of bulking/cutting where he’s been in-between sizes as he’s met his goals. It’s gotten to points where he was larger than he ever was before and he didn’t have the clothing to accommodate for that so he mostly wore nice athletic wear (which is a lot more forgiving as you go up/down in size), rotating between a couple of pairs of stretchier fabric dress pants until he cut down again to where he felt comfortable maintaining and then he adjusted his wardrobe for that. He’s bulking again now so that means he’s often dressed down (compared to me) when we’re out and about in public, casual settings. Opposite to him, I really like fashion and so I experiment more and like to dress up even when the occasion doesn’t call for it (I often get compliments on my outfits when we’re out together). I don’t really see that as a negative, I guess. He might be in joggers but he also looks fit af and he hypes me up about the compliments I get.
I honestly think my bf is hotter than me even with the moderate amount of effort I put in. As long as he isn’t dirty or smelly, I’m good. But he does put in more effort than just that. And has great legs!
Yeah my husband puts plenty of effort into his appearance. If we go out and I feel like wearing makeup that will be really the only key difference in the amount of time it takes us to get ready. I’ll also wear more jewelry because I like it. He has a few nice watches he’ll choose from as well.
I have absolutely seen the couples you’re talking about though and I would not tolerate that in a partner. Knowing how to dress and what’s appropriate for different events/situations is important to me, and I want my partner to value that too. To me it feels more about respect for each other and whatever place/event we’re going to.
I don’t put up with it. I don’t expect my partners to be obsessed with fashion, but I’m not dating someone who shows up stained and wrinkled and who looks like they never heard about sunscreen.
It’s not just vanity about wrinkles, skin cancer is a thing.
Not ok with it at all. Making an effort will definitely make you stand out from a very mediocre crowd if you’re out there dating now. Basic hygiene and well fitting clothes seems like such a low bar to set and yet here we are.
One of my closest friends has been with her partner since College and at that time they were both fit, active and equally attractive. Fast forward 20 years and she still looks AMAZING. He however, has totally given up on looking good for her and then complains that she isn’t begging him for sex 24/7. It’s wild. Like dude, look in the mirror, would you be attracted to what you see?
Genuinely yeah.
My husband doesn’t care very much about his appearance/clothes at all and I do, so we frequently go out looking like that meme of Ed Sheeran and Beyonce.
But my husband’s lack of effort in how he looks is due to character traits that I actually like about him. He’s practical. He’s frugal. He’s not prissy. He buys his pants from the Carharrt aisle of the local hardware store because they’re cheap and durable. That’s hot to me. YMMV.
I happen to be extremely vain myself, but that doesn’t mean I consider that an appealing trait in a partner.
I’m definitely not.
There have definitely been times in my dating life when it felt like my options were primarily “unkempt poorly-dressed guys who are kind-hearted, funny, kinky, and politically aligned with me,” or “well-dressed guys who are none of those other things.” It’s an obvious choice for me when those are the options available.
That being said, my preference is to date people who put a decent amount of effort into personal hygiene and dressing appropriately for the occasion.
1 – yeah the majority are like that so it’s kind of settling for what’s available
2 – I haven’t met a man whose been taught to groom himself , especially not to the degree women are with body shapes and coordinating clothing like you say, but there are two types of men in this secarnio the ones who will learn and will improve their appearance to be even more desirable to their current partner and the ones who won’t do a dam thing because they already hooked someone until inevitably that one leaves them and they hook someone else
Most women are settling. I’ve been single for years, I’m in my 30s, I don’t have children. I’ve accepted that I won’t have a family because I have standards and I want things from life, and while kids would have been nice, I apparently don’t have that drive as much as some do. My brother and some friends are constantly telling me I want too much. Oh well.
I did date a guy for a bit a few years ago who I thought could really work on putting himself together more – he only wore oversized sports jerseys. I did feel like I was settling ( for much more than this reason ) but we did break up so it worked out fine. I felt like it would be shallow or mean to point it out to this guy at the time because he seemed like a decent person and growing up as a woman, you know how it feels when people pick at your appearance. Not saying I handled anything “right” in this situation, though.
It’s just not a high priority for me. I dress well and present myself well, and yes, I do find it attractive when a man has some sense of style. My partner decidedly doesn’t, but in the grand scheme of things, I’ll gladly accept the flaw of “likes cargo shorts a bit too much.” At least he’s fit from living that hiking boot lifestyle. 🤷🏻♀️
You’re not going to repel partners by presenting yourself in a way that makes you feel good! Keep dressing for yourself and don’t worry about that.
I think you’ve probably gotten at the root of the question there like. Speaking in huge, massive, big broad brush heteronormative generalisations, there are probably more women than men find it enjoyable and/or feel pressurised to spend time and effort on their appearance just as a general part of life, and more men than women who see that time and effort as purely something you do to attract romantic interest. So if one of those women and one of those men get together, there ends up being a noticeable difference.
people keep saying “men are more visual” as if they didn’t just have the priviledge to be attracked to the gender who was required to make an effort, and shamed to hell is they dared not to do any, hehe
heterosexual women would llooovvveee to be more visually attracted too but we can only take what’s given and, as in many other aspects of our dating lives, what weren’t given is shitty breadcrumbs
My husband wears jeans, band T-shirts, and flannel shirts. He’ll wear nice clothes if it’s a special occasion. That’s fine with me because it’s basically the same level I put in. I rarely dress up outside of work.
I make a point of being as well presented as possible. Good hygiene, grooming(some professional grooming), well styled, go to the gym regularly and I expect similar from my partner.
It’s not so much about the vanity side of it(though that is nice). It’s about having a partner who takes pride in themselves and cares to look after themself.
A bare minimum kinda guy, in most instances, ain’t for me.
It definitely depends on the men we have access to and the grooming standards that prevail in that area. In NV, the US I see so many dudes who put in the absolute bare minimum effort regarding styling and hygiene, if that. In Italy though, men (and women) were dressed to the nines. There’s a culture there that sets a standard and the people in it meet it, no matter the age.
I myself like to look nice. That doesn’t mean fake eyelashes or fake clawlike nails to me, but rather a put together look that enhances my features/figure. I will therefore never settle for some slob.
That said I am a mid thirties woman who is ambivalent about children (as in: I only want them if I can have them with a partner I love and in a decent financial situation etc. Anything short of that = no). So I don’t need to settle. I have the rest of my life to meet someone. Women who are on a clock may feel they do. Or they may have been raised with the idea that you just have to have a partner, even if he has the personality and looks of a puddle of dirt.
Listen, my husband is way hotter than me, and he always has been. But I looked past his camo pants/striped shirt outfit when we first started dating because he was so funny and kind. I wouldn’t call that settling. I have the man I want.
My dude styles his beard and knows how to dress for the occasion. I don’t wear make up or shave or wear bras or give a fuck about what society expects of me. We are both comfortable with our natural bodies and evenly matched!
I do not want a partner that puts more effort into his appearance than I do. I don’t care much about style/appearance. As long as he is neat and clean, idgaf. This post seems kind of shallow.
Hygiene is more important than fashion to me. My ex was stylish but I had to beg him to brush his teeth. My current partner dresses more casual but is cleaner than me, lol. I far prefer the latter!
That said, I think dressing appropriately for the occasion is a sign of maturity. I wouldn’t want to have to parent a thirty something man and tell him what to wear to a nice dinner or event.
I’m married now but if I were to hit the dating scene I would absolutely be looking for a man who puts effort into his appearance. My standards are a lot different now versus when I met my husband (21y/o).
I put in a good amount of effort and so does my husband. That is part of what attracted him to me. We are both a little vain and appearance is important to us so even in our 40s we make an effort most days.
It might be the case of it just not being important to others? Maybe some women are settling but I am not sure that’s all. I see mostly unkept couples to be honest and not necessarily one person really upping their game and the other looking like a hobo. Some women, just as some men, do not put much stake in that and I think that’s okay.
It does bother me and I’m called shallow for it. I put a lot of effort into my appearance but my boyfriend doesn’t. He’s naturally very attractive so I think he gets away with it, but it bothers me when he wears a hoodie to date night or stained shorts to the farmer’s market. Sometimes it bothers him too, like when I show up dressed up to go out and he gets sheepish saying “I didn’t know we were looking nice today.” Sir we are going out in public and I always look nice! When I’ve brought this up to my friends they tell me I’m being shallow. I just want us to look like we go together
There’s actually pretty consistent data that most couples pair up with partners of similar attractiveness so I don’t really agree with the premise of your question. Perhaps it’s because couples who have asymmetric levels of attractiveness are more noticeable that gives the impression that they’re more prevalent than they actually are.
Of course there are some women who deliberately prefer a less attractive partner (usually from insecurity or as a power dynamic preference) or who buy into certain gender roles which dictate men focussing on their appearance as being less masculine but that’s not the case with most women I’ve met.
This is me and my husband. I accept that it’s a part of who he is, and it’s not important enough to me to care about changing. He has a handsome face, fit body and is clean and smells good so I think he makes old shirts look good lol and he’s low maintenance. He doesn’t expect me to dress up fancy for him or anything, he just knows that I like it and is happy to compliment me. If I need him to dress up for a special occasion I will just help him pick something out so we can both be happy. I also prefer men with a simpler look rather than many accessories, etc.
My partner hates wearing accessories so I don’t expect him to. He has nice clothes and wears them when expected, and he asks me for advice sometimes. He takes care of his appearance and hygiene.
IF he was someone who dressed like a slob 24/7 I wouldn’t have been okay with that, but he doesn’t. We both slob out sometimes (running to the store real quick example) but if we’re out to eat or something we are dressed nicely.
I think I’d expect someone to match the energy for the most part. He doesn’t need to be dressed to the nines, but if he rocks up in a graphic tee, jeans and sneakers to a nice restaurant when we’re on a date, I’d probably side eye those choices.
I’m not high maintenance, but I do dress nicely, wear heels, and use light makeup and accessories. I think you can also look sharp while being dressed down or casual by picking the right items and getting stuff that fits well. If someone looks sloppy, it irritates me.
In my day to day life I’m very casual, but I still try to look put together, so it is disappointing and a bit frustrating when a guy I meet is not making a bit of an effort to look at least casual or choosing something to flatter him. The last guy I was seeing was super nice but I was sad he would show up to a wine bar for a second date wearing the slouchiest hoodie, and basically whatever he was wearing that day. There were other things but that was a turn off for sure.
I’m indifferent to it. I have dated men who put a lot of effort into their looks, the brands they wore, etc. And they were just as disappointing as any other man.
I put a lot of effort into my looks because it’s like creating a temporary art piece. I listen to podcasts for two hours, which entertain and educate me while I shower, do my makeup, hair, puck clothes, shoes, purse, and jewelry.
Now, I do love a good cologne. You can wear average clothes as long as you pair it with cologne.
My husband will dress up when he has to but he baseline is comfort and so is mine. He is not a cologne, jewelry, etc. type of guy but that’s OK because I knew that when I married him. He is truly a IDGAF about anyone else’s opinion kind of guy and doesn’t feel the pressure to go by society standards. He isn’t smelly, his clothes don’t have holes in them, and he doesn’t look slobby.
I love when a couple is well-dressed (bonus points if they match!) but it couldn’t be me.
I haven’t read all the responses but a lot of women are talking about their own male partners and then listing stuff that is above and beyond what you describe in your post. I absolutely know what you are talking about OP, the vast majority of men I work with are baseline clean at least (thankfully) but I’m absolutely arounded at how they have wives given how downright ugly they are. I’m not talking about unfashionable or their god-given features, I’m talking about not wearing clothes that fit on already extremely unfit bodies, bad haircuts that are more about their own self consciousness about losing hair than actually working with what they’ve got it any way (ditto for facial hair), clothes in weird materials that are wrinkled and mismatched. Not to mention literally most of them don’t have any sort of skin care and it SHOWS. So many of them would honestly be better with mid-tone khakis or jeans and a black tshirt and some cereve face wash and moisturizer – it wouldn’t be any additional effort but they wouldn’t look like they’re literally melting and/or turning to dust in front of me. And it’s not like a lot of these guys are actually charmers or have great personalities to make up for it trust me. If anything the most sociable people I work with are the ones that end up looking better in that they do usually wear clothes that fit and look like they actually view clothing with something other than utter disdain.
To put it bluntly, no we’re not okay with it OP. The women in this sub replying to you do have higher standards on aggregate so there are a lot of happier than average relationships and a much higher number of contented singles, but a lot of women really just don’t feel they have any other options. My last cis male ex really put the nail in the coffin because he wouldn’t stop wearing gd basketball shorts with slides (plus white high socks of course!). Absolutely gross, but I was straight up told I was shallow by people around him every time I said anything. It was simply embarrassing. Moreso for him than me of course but god what a waste of time he was from top to bottom and he couldn’t even do me the solid of dressing well to make up for his obvious deficiencies.
The only thing you’ll have to combat OP is that by their 30s a lot of women have had a ton of bad experiences with men and are a little more gunshy than you may have experienced in your 20s. Your clothes aren’t going to be the thing that pushes them away you’ll just have to be patient with a lot of us. Or also maybe widen your search because many like myself are absolutely 100% done with cis males and we aren’t willing to take risks on y’all anymore. It sucks for guys that are decent (presumably like yourself) but you’ll likely still do fine OP with a bit of patience and luck. There are still more women looking for a decent guy than decent guys out there it seems so hopefully you find a match that appreciates you.
I don’t have a partner but many of my straight friends do obviously and I seriously think they just take it for what it is. It’s probably too much trouble to try and change anything and in one case in particular, it took a lot of time and patience for her just to get him to clean his surroundings, much less put effort into his appearance.
I do not have this issue personally. My husband puts himself together cause I mean once again (non-western) cultural expectations
I have kind of just stopped putting in effort to. It felt awkward to be dressed nicely with him in bball shorts or sweats. Now we match. Doesn’t seem to bother him and we are both comfortable. It’s actually helped me let go of a lot of insecurities not being so concerned when how I present myself all the time.
What you seem to react to is the BWS men. That is Boyfriend With Skills that influencer women seem to latch on to, or else who can post on Insta and TikTok taking that perfect picture of them against a backdrop of majestic Mohave waterfalls frozen as the spring equinox is happening.
Don’t worry mate. Step away from social media and you’ll see plenty of guys who care for their appearance, as they have a real job. If you are hanging in circles where you see them in the wild… Good on you, you can become one of them, if you have a particular set of skills in marketing?
My partner dresses pretty well honestly – since dating him I’ve had to step it up when we go out together because he will get a lot of attention and compliments I want to feel like we match when we’re out.
With other male partners it’s just the social standard for men – they don’t need to make as much of an effort and I personally understand dressing for comfort > style. I do have pretty good style but I’m not really a name-brand flashy/fashionable dresser, I don’t put that much effort into my hair or make-up (I’m an air dry girlie, minimal products, eyeliner/lipstick sometimes) I just have a personal style and aesthetic so it probably looks like I’m making more effort than I am.
My late partner gelled his hair, took care of his nails, used moisturizer, had an excellent choice of cologne, and a killer sense of fashion. I loved it! He did it for himself, but through it, he was such a pleasurable feast for my senses, too.
No, I’m not okay with the comparative lack of effort men put into their appearance. Especially their hands/nails if they are bitten/dirty and dry face skin. Ickkkkk. While I accept that it’s rare for a guy to do as much as my partner did, I do wish guys took better care of themselves. Looking at the nature, the male should be fancy! So please don’t worry and please stay fancy, the right lady will come along.
My first bf was “a slob” , my second tried but ended up with just showered and dressed clean and still looking a bit lost. The one I have now… It’s amazing how much basic grooming, clean and whole clothes and cleaning up lines do to a man. I almost have to elbow women away because they fawn around him, just for making an extra effort.
I do care. My bf does make an effort to dress well and match my vibe. We don’t live together so it’s not always easy to coordinate but depending on the event or place we’re at, he will dress accordingly. He doesn’t always dress up, I’d say I make more of that effort but it’s because I enjoy feeling put together. He appreciates when I look nice and I do too when he looks nice. It’s not always what I would want him to wear, mostly that wears sneakers like 90% of the time lol but we also dress down often when we’re relaxing or doing something casual. I don’t think I’d be able to date someone who didn’t put in effort, to a degree. Not saying they always have to dress up but if they never made effort, it would bother me. Anytime I see Hailey Bieber with Justin and see the difference between the two, it kinda makes me sad for her lol it’s really all just personal preference
Probably love or comfort triumphs the desire for a well dressed man. I had to pick and buy my ex his clothes before he stopped wearing gym clothes everywhere. He had a desire to look nice but only knew how to put an effort towards his hair and beard. He appreciated my gesture but honestly I was getting bothered that I’d be dressed to the nines and he did the absolute bare minimum – and he was insecure about it.
I think I have low expectations on the men’s appearance after being in the relationship: as long as they look clean,smell clean and dress up according to the event we’re going to then I’m fine. But I’m definitely not into beards so I choose the ones who are ok with that from the beginning already.
Not in the slightest! I won’t even go on a first date with someone who doesn’t put effort into their presentation.
Grown men who dress like toddlers or like they’re at the gym when they’re not are wildly unattractive to me. I put a good deal of thought, effort, and curation into my appearance and am exclusively attracted to people who do the same.
It’s kind of like the bar is so low that just getting a decent guy who’s good looking is pretty lucky, so expecting him to also be put together is more like a “nice to have” and women just let it slide. In fact, I think women just assume that they’ll be dressing their partner once they get into a relationship.
And you will not repel partners, at all. Anything that enhances your appearance is a plus for any woman that you date!
I’m not happy about it, but I’ve learned to live with the fact that I can ask him on a date where I wear a pretty summer dress and sandals with my legs waxed, my hair done, make-up and he…. looks like he just came from the gym. Or from a construction site. The only times I’ve turned it into a thing have been when attending things like weddings. Cargo pants and gym shirt won’t do it at a wedding.
I’d say that I stopped caring as much as I got older. My partner and I are about 50/50. Dress up when we go out or for special occasions. I sometimes have a self care grooming day and tend to go further into looking nicer (once a week). But besides that, just having basic hygiene, jeans and T-shirts are fine, etc… We just prefer things nice and easy.
He does love when I dress up though. But also prefers me to be comfy. So, works out.
Absolutely do not stop putting an effort into your appearance lol.. most women prefer a man that doesn’t have that “just rolled out of bed” look but end up settling because [insert redeeming quality that actually isn’t that redeeming].
To speak for myself though, I’m not ok with any lack of effort in appearance, grooming, or hygiene.