My husband (M,45) and I (F, 32) have been married 2 months. He is asian and my first ever relationship with a asian man. He gives me money, supports me financially and is sponsoring my greencard. He brings me breakfast every morning and we laugh a lot. However, what is really bothering me is the fact that I know he has a preference for asian women. I am white and I take really good care of myself, and it kinda bugs me, because I feel like I‘m actually quite pretty and I feel like it will never be appreciated by him. He is helping me but I don’t know how to deal with it. The other day I was wearing a hat and said :“look now I look like a asian lady“ and he said „that’s why I like it“. He once even suggested a photoshoot where I dress in asian attire… I tried to set the score even by telling him I quite like tall guys that look like football players. The thing is I feel like I am obsessed with my husband and he is not. It is still a great situation for me otherwise. It just really frustrates me, because I don’t want to feel second best to all the asian women and I don’t want to develop a dislike for women of a certain race, because my husband has a preference for them. I don’t know.. He isn’t with an asian woman, because he says they cost too much and he likes that I am happy with regular things. I freaked out after the hat comment and explained to him how upsetting it is. Since he has tried to compliment me on my figure and my new face mist and is extra nice. How can I stay with him and still be happy? I‘d hate to throw it all away but I don’t wanna feel second best to asian girls and he tries to buy me asian things. I might just dye my hair blonde, get a tan, and dress very european, because conforming to his beauty standart (dark hair and fair skin and cutesy hello kitty stuff) is making me feel like I‘m trying to be something I can never be, and frankly never wanted to be. I‘m quite happy with my race and never wished I were asian before.
TL;DR, my asian husband has a preference for asian women and I am white. He has in the past tried to get me asian things. It really makes me feel like he would like me to be something I am not, which makes me sad, because I take good care of my appearance and I am happy with my look honestly (brown hair, white skin, freckles). He is otherwise a great husband and helps me legally and financially.
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He is trying to put you down so you work extra hard to gain his favor. It’s a tactic men do all the time. Literally just like this. Whatever the woman is they will tell her he has a different type. If you are a tall white blond lady he will say he loves petite Asian women. If you were a petite Asian woman, guess what? He would tell you he always dreamed of being with a white woman. He is negging you. It probably means he’s a huge jerk and a misogynist. Proceed accordingly.
Sounds to me like you’re really overthinking this. He probably just thinks you look really nice in Asian attire. I have in the past had preferences that my current GF does not fit, but she is beautiful and I love her so it doesn’t matter to me. It’s probably like that for him.
Also “I tried to set the score by telling him I like tall guys that look like football players” is a shitty way to think about your relationship. He complimented you in attire so you took that as an opportunity to tell him you like jacked tall guys? You should like the problem tbh
Tell him how you feel and stop doing things that make you uncomfortable.
Hmm… It’s understandable to feel this way. Maybe he’s not really about you, but more about seeking validation from outside sources, it’s a strange thought, I know. Perhaps he unconsciously wants to chip away at your confidence so he can feel more in control, which is hurtful. While it’s natural to want your partner to admire your appearance, constantly reshaping yourself to fit his ideal isn’t always the best thing, and can damage the relationship. It’s IMPORTANT you focus on cultivating your own self-worth, independent of his appreciation, and seriously consider whether his actions align with a respectful and healthy partnership. Remember, genuine love doesn’t require constant alteration
He must prefer YOU though. Why else would he want to marry? However, it’s time you let him know how his remarks make you feel. I can’t imagine a man who truly loves you would intentionally hurt you. And if I’m right, then he’s a little dense in even thinking it’s ok to say such things.
Trying to get him back by saying you like big football players is so beyond childish I can’t even figure out how to explain how bad that is for so many reasons. He picked you and because you over think things you try to put him down by reminding him he’s not your ideal man …. Wow
Looking at your past post it seem like he has lots of red flags
Am Asian. Your husband is a weirdo RIP. I guess you gotta confront him at some point -.-
I am with an Asian man and have been for over 8 years. He prefers all things Asian. It’s what he knows. I am a white woman. He absolutely loves one time a year that I dress in Asian attire for Chinese New Year. Not because he wishes I was Asian, but because he loves his culture and loves when I am open to being apart of it. He loves when I try his foods and learn about his culture. He will bring me hats when I am outside and say now you are like an Asian, not because he wishes I was Asian, but because his entire family stays out of every inch of sun possible. He loves when I embrace his culture and enjoy it. Are you sure that isn’t the same thing going on in your relationship? I feel like you might be over thinking it a little. I really don’t think he would be with you if he didn’t want to be..
I agree with other posters. If you are telling him that comparing you to Asian women makes you uncomfortable and he makes comments to make you feel less than because you are Caucasian then he is certainly playing on your insecurities. That’s a control tactic and the only reason he would do that is because he is insecure about you preferring Caucasian men and he wants to make sure to play on your insecurity to keep you compliant and tethered to him. Meanwhile you are playing into it and confirming that you are insecure by the description of your behavior. I would suggest another tactic on your part. Have no reaction at all so you don’t feed into the drama, and when he makes Asian comments or wants you to dress Asian, Etc. Just make a joke about it, or don’t react. Without emotion tell him you dress Asian for the photo shoot and I will wear this pretty dress. Even pick what you want to wear and ask him if he likes dress one or dress two. Again the only way this would work is if you don’t get emotional and flip out about it. If he’s really manipulating you, that will bother him way more than you reacting because he will be losing control. He will know you are secure and who you are with or without him.
Okay, normally I’m like, “He chose you!” but his actions and words are CRUEL, and I can understand the self-doubt! I’m really perplexed at how you’d fix this because he’s not helping. Maybe his other preference is negging his wife 😡
My husband prefers bigger women, but I’m asmaller, athletic , and like NO curves. I have zero doubts he finds me sexy and beautiful.
Why can’t he just want to genuinely share his culture with you?
You’re either delusional and this post is fake, or you need serious therapy. You married a guy you knew for like 6 months
I married a guy that preferred older women. I was 3 years younger than him. Ask me how that ended.. lmao
You’re weird for that hat comment tho
Red flags. My husband is Asian, I’m white. He has never acted like this. He married me for me not because of my race. We celebrate his cultural holidays, we had a Chinese traditional wedding etc etc but he did the same for me.
You need to tell him. And do not change yourself.
Are you guys living in an Asian country? Maybe he wants you to dress closer to the culture to have an easier assimilation? But it sounds to me like you’re feeling like you’re losing your identity. The comment about wanting to go blonde and tan, I mean if that’s what you personally like and find beautiful go for it. Sounds like you’re trying to find anything to feel more white rather than feeling your personal beautiful
It sounds like he is probably just used to Asian women, and is trying to almost psychologically cosplay you as one. The biggest and most concerning comment you made was the fact that he likes you more than Asian women because you essentially have lower standards.
It seems to me like he likes Asian women, but doesn’t like their high demands. So, he likes you and likes you enough to marry you, but is now trying to drop hints of how you could look more like an Asian woman.
The huge age gap is also a dead giveaway. He got with you because you’re easy to please, and simple, and young enough to mold you into someone he likes, exactly.
Some Asian women do have very high standards. A man that financially provides and leads, like he does, is the bare minimum. They also expect to be lavished and they aren’t afraid to show an attitude about it, especially if you’re speaking about women who were actually born in certain parts of Asia, and not “Americanized” ones.
He is also sponsoring your green card. He knows this. It seems like he supports you in many avenues and there’s definitely a power imbalance at play here.
If I were you, I’d stop obsessing over your husband. He’s weird as hell, that’s for sure, and he has some weird psychological complexes and obsessions. But he is paying for your way in life for a reason, and he married someone significantly younger than him for a reason: he wants to mold you. Into what he wants.
So stop obsessing. I don’t think he’s in it with you for love. He’s in it with you for a certain level and convenience, and so are you. You’re not obsessed with him either. You’re obsessed with being liked.
This is a transactional relationship. Just start viewing it for what it is and stop lying to yourself that you’re obsessed with him. You just want to be liked, preferred, and prioritized. And he wants someone younger and naive enough to mold, and he realizes there’s a transaction that comes with that.