My husband and I have been together 9.5 yrs and married for 4 yrs. My husband is 60, no children and never married before. I have 1 child (34j and this is my 2nd marriage. My husband has an open invitation to my parents house. I asked my husband not to attend this years event because my daughter asked for 1 holiday with her family.
My husband and daughter do not care for each other and this is what happened. About 18 months ago my daughter and I were on the phone and I was buy her a Halloween shirt at Disneyland, she heard my husband say, that shirt won’t fit her she is a big girl. He apologized repeatedly through me but my daughter was angry, hurt and felt it was extremely inappropriate. I should mention they are similar in many ways and can be quick tempered, emotional and unforgiving.
About 1 month later my daughter came to my husbands house while I was out of state to borrow my car. He asked her several time what was wrong, she said nothing but he asked again and she finally told him. He apologized and told her she took it out of context. They went back and forth he said he was too old to change and she told him she didn’t want him to speak her name from his mouth. He told her to leave and she is now banned the the house completely. He said he will not be told what he can and cannot do in his own house.
Our house is where we have our families gather for Thanksgiving and Christmas and the 4th of July is at my parents. If she needed to borrow my car after that I took the car the to street because he didn’t want her on the property. since this happened right before Thanksgiving my daughter was not allowed to attend the last 2 Thanksgivings and Christmas‘ here. She asked if she could have 1 holiday with her family and not have my husband there this 4th of July. Last year she was not able to go because of work. So I asked my husband not to go.
We have barely spoken in about 4 weeks but he feels that I stuck a knife in his back and has discussed the possibility of ending our marriage because he is so hurt by this. This has out a horrible strain on our marriage and my relationship with my daughter who feels I haven’t supported her either. Both feel they have done nothing wrong. AITAH?
Comments
you re stuck in the middle of two people who refuse to budge but asking for one peaceful holiday with your daughter isn’t betrayal, it’ balance. thats not a knife in the back, thats a compromise.
Ask your husband if he wants to be right or be happy? He is too damn old to act this way and needs to grow up
It seems you have two children in this case.
Wanting one holiday to make your daughter feel seen isn’t betrayal, it’s balance. When two people refuse to bend, sometimes the only bridge left is the one you build. And that’s not being an asshole. That’s being a mom trying her damn best.
I would in a not so nice way try holding them both accountable. Start by sitting them down together and telling them to knock this ridiculous behavior off and if either of them wanted to you to be in their lives they need to apologize and move on.
So he got in trouble for calling a fatty a fatty
INFO: does your husband have a habit of on commenting on your daughters weight or is this a one off?
If it’s a one off and he’s repeatedly apologized, your daughter may be the one causing the issue.
If he does it frequently, then he’s a problem
NTA your daughter has been banned from her families holidays, hopefully she has other people who love her she can spend the holidays with. She is not unreasonable to ask for one. Your husband needs to grow up.
ESH your husband excludes your daughter from family events/celebrations at his house and you and family just let your daughter stay alone during those times instead of moving it elsewhere so all can attend but how dear he a older man spend one holiday alone so your daughter can attend and be comfortable after being excluded. The situation is silly anyway but if she’s not allowed in his house the venue should’ve changed to out of his house to celebrate holidays and then this could’ve been avoided. You and your family has been choosing your husband over your daughter for the last 2 years. Husband is immature and should be able to sit one event out, go see his family or friends that day.
They are both wrong and so are you. You need to settle this between them once and for all , because both of them are tearing you apart. You need to get them together and tell them they don’t have to like each other but they should mutually respect each other if only for your sake. She should never have been kept away on a holiday and neither should he.. they are both fucking adults. Tell them to work their shit out or you’ll leave the both of them…. it’s better than them tearing you to shreds until you have a nervous breakdown. What your husband said was stupid and her holding a grudge this long is even dumber. Tell them to grow up or it’ll be you who runs away.
Your husband and daughter are both jackasses. They don’t seem to care about you at all. They only care about being right, and about getting all of your attention. They don’t give a damn whether it hurts you, or not. Do with that what you will, but it should tell you how important you are, in their view. It would serve them right if you went LC or NC with both of them.
>but he feels that I stuck a knife in his back and has discussed the possibility of ending our marriage because he is so hurt by this
He unilaterally banned your own child and HE is hurt by this? Did he care about other people being hurt by his actions or is he just selfish?
He hasn’t been a family member as long as your daughter, she gets priority.
They’re both being immature. Your husband said some unkind words and tried to apologise for them. Your daughter has refused the apology, which she’s entitled to do. However, your daughter upped the ante by telling him she didn’t want her name on his lips, and he met her with the same energy by banning her from his home. And now you’re caught in the middle.
If you were looking at a size 10 shirt, and your daughter is size 16, what your husband said is realistic not inappropriate. Your daughter wouldn’t & won’t accept any apologies from him and was very rude to yr husband when she came to pick up the car – and has not apologized to him. Tall people short people big people small people blonde or brunette – that’s what they are, it’s not a slur, it’s reality. Yes yr daughter sure does seem quick tempered and unforgiving whereas your husband apologised multiple times for just observing a FACT – and you’re punishing your husband over it. Why can’t she just apologize as well? For being DELIBERATELY vindictive and SO RUDE to yr husband in his own home. Fafo daughter, maybe she should learn some manners and apologize for her bad behaviour before your husband leaves you to your daughters immature rude shit-show antics. YTA
What a couple babies. Can you have the holiday at your parents and make them fight to the death in Thunderdome for the other guests?
NTA. Your husband is.
To summarise: He insulted your daughter (he apologised through you ya said which frankly means jack shit) and when she tried to tell him directly how it made her feel, he downplayed and told her to basically suck it up as he will never change and it turned into an argument. Then he banned her from YOUR home and YOUR life and it’s YOU who has missed having her around on these important family occasions. Because HE can’t grow up and get his act together.
Oh and now he’s playing games with you because you’re trying your best to still be a mother? Pfft. Let him leave if that’s all it takes to set him off. He sounds like a petulant child and you’d be well rid.
Edit: your husband is honestly giving off some DARVO vibes if I’m honest.
60 and 34 yikes
I think that unfortunately a very soft YTA may be called for here, simply for taking what was formerly a neutral space and forcing a side.
Tbh the sad truth is they have BOTH done wrong. Let’s face it, as a bigger club person she may not have fit into the shirt you were holding, and she sounds a little in denial about her size when he clearly didn’t say it as an attack.
How much more time will you let go by before you stand up to people in your life and present them with the higher road alternative??
They argued, she told him not to say her name, super childish, but to ban your daughter from your home simply should not be an option. They should have worked it out, apologies should be accepted, hurt should fade over time.
Going along with his rules was a bad decision, and not forcing a truce was too. By taking no sides you alienated them both instead of showing you were on the side of maturity, unity and family.
Divorce him. He banned your child from major family holidays for the last 2 years.
How exhausting to have to manage these two immature adults. Honestly I think your daughter asked for a fair compromise and your husband is being unrealistic here, but it really sucks you’ve been put in the middle like this.
Choosing between your husband and your daughter is tough and I don’t think any choice is a good one. NTA because they’ve forced you into this awkward position through their own immature behaviour.
YTA. For allowing that man to disrespect your daughter.
Have you driving your car up the street like you’re scoring drugs in secret, so she can borrow it. Telling you who won’t be allowed at HIS house.
You sound as if you’re afraid of him. It doesn’t matter if they are similar, she won’t forgive him, doesn’t want to speak to him, he’s too old to change or whatever bs he feels. That is your CHILD! You should’ve nipped it in the bud a long time ago.
Your daughter had every right to be pissed and hurt and he could’ve made it right but instead made it worse. And you still chose him over your daughter. You spent major holidays without your child becuse of him and hes upset over he 4th he should have spend all the other ones alone til he grew up.
ESH. Your husband is using the boomer excuse that he’s too old to change to excuse his poor manners. But credit to him, he did apologize several times.
Your daughter is now pushing to isolate him away from the family and putting a strain on your marriage. Well, mission accomplished. Your marriage is on the rocks thanks to both of these AH.
Updateme
ESH besides your husband. it appears that your daughter took offense to reality considering you were shopping in the size ten section when she needed size 16 clothes. She took offense to this and refused to accept any apologies he gave her. She then went on to insult him which caused him to ban her from every holiday. Now instead of you doing anything it seems you tried to simply ride the fence in the middle which predictably lead to a clear issue. Now your daughter is clearly unwilling to compromise on this issue so Op you need to decide would you rather have your daughter or your husband.
TBF, saying that something won’t fit someone is just stating a fact. It’s not fat shaming or a criticism. Let’s be honest with ourselves. At 34, your daughter probably needs to get a bit of a grip. In saying that, your hubby also needs to get over himself. He’s apologized, nothing more he can do or say. Let’s not make the situation worse…..Oops, too late!
You really are stuck between a rock & a hard place.
Both are behaving like children.
If it were me & I had to choose, I would choose my husband. Your daughter overreacted in the first place & made a mountain out of a molehill. Just my humble opinion.
YTA for not managing this better. Your husband and daughter should’ve never been allowed to get this far. Neither should’ve been banned from the house OR the gathering. This one is on you.
You said your daughter went to your husband’s house to borrow your car. He says it’s his house. Do you live there? Isn’t it also your house? Also, how could you let anyone tell your your own child Isn’t allowed to see you where you live?
ESH
NTA. They both need to do a bit of growing up. He apologized many times over for stating the obvious only to have his apology thrown back in his face by the daughter. More angry words were exchanged and now the daughter is banned from the house and property.
Daughter needs to look in the mirror and accept his many apologies. Dad needs to be the bigger person and let the daughter back in with mom at least for holidays.
I suppose a divorce would solve things for daughter and dad, but OP would be the one suffering. They are both in the wrong and both need to apologize and just get on with life.
Leave jackhole, it’s not his family nor him that is suffering.
That is all on you for letting it happen.
Signed, kid who was forgotten after mom remarried…
Certainly not! What a mess. Send them to their rooms to reassess
Your husband finds your daughter an inconvenience so you should get rid of him
There’s no way that your husband comment deserves this kind of anger and hatred. Maybe annoyance or something but this kind of festering hatred? No way. Its really obvious that your daughter already hated your husband before that comment. Maybe there’s a reason for her hate. Maybe in her mind this guy is the reason your last marriage ended and she resents him for that.
If all of this is truly based on 1 comment, your daughter is completely out of line and intentionally trying to wreck your relationship.
Sometimes when your Switzerland you get lucky and the drama misses you.
Sometimes you end up everyone’s enemy.
You didn’t dig deep enough to pick a side or hold anyone accountable and now here you are. I am not saying you were a jerk, but by not holding any boundaries in this, you choose to let everyone get trapped on.
ESH
ESH
But honestly??
I would be divorcing AND cutting both out from my life if I literally had two stupid relatives acting like this.
Why are you putting up and placating both of these idiots?!?
You let your husband ban your daughter from YOUR house because of some foolish argument? I would say YTA for that part.
Damn. Both need to grow the hell up. Immature children.
Good grief. You’re dealing with bickering siblings. Maybe take a nice long vacation by yourself. Sorry you’re stuck in the middle but only you can unstuck yourself
I wouldn’t be with someone who wouldn’t allow my children in my own home. Insane.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say there is more to this story. And YTA for picking him over your daughter on holidays (I know what that’s like, that’s why I’m low contact with my dad). There is no way in hell I’d do that to my children.
How is it his house and not both of yours? Nobody would tell my child they can’t come to my house and celebrate a holiday with family. YTA for not standing up to your new spouse and telling him he can go drive around while she visits if he doesn’t want to see her. I could never exclude my daughter like you’ve done. She must be devastated. Do you know how sad it is to be completely alone on a major holiday? If he wants to divorce after you ask him not to come to the Fourth of July celebration , I’d let him.
I hope the daughter goes no contact with the both of you. I bet he’s been saying nasty shit about her and her body for years and she’s fed up. Then you just kicked your daughter aside and are letting your husband dictate your relationship with your child. What an immature AH. She doesn’t owe him forgiveness just because he apologized. She told him not to talk about her again and he throws a temper tantrum and she’s nixed from all the important holidays because he won’t change.
I think the daughter resents that your husband is in your life at all. She wants you to be 100% all about her.
So, why did you marry this person?
Good luck with your next marriage.
Ew wtf is wrong with your husband??? You let someone treat your child this way??
You let your husband bodyshame your daughter and ban her from your home???
You’re about to be divorced again. Sorry. They both sound self centered and totally oblivious as to how this makes you feel. Your daughter will probably never like anyone you marry and 56 never married is a red flag in my book 😬
YTA for allowing your child to be banned from your home
Your husband is acting like an old, stubborn mule, and your daughter is acting like an immature brat. You aren’t the A/H, but I think there’s a better way to handle this. First, explain to your husband that you understand that he apologized to your daughter, but no amount of saying sorry will take the words back or soothe her hurt feelings. Also, banning her from the house is unacceptable. It’s your house too. If he doesn’t like it when she comes over, he can leave. But it’s not fair to forcibly exclude her from family get-togethers at the house because YOU say she can’t come over. Unacceptable and no more.
Next, talk to your daughter. Tell her that your husband apologized, and while you understand that she was insulted and hurt by his comments, it’s time to stop beating a dead horse. Let her know that she is welcome to come back to the house and ask her to kindly not discuss the incident again with him. And finally, hold the 4th of July festivities where they have always been held.
I feel like OP is leaving critical details out. Two people typically don’t go into entrenched grudge land over a single incident.
It also seems like husband never directly apologized to the daughter. Just tangentially through mom.
Daughter is from this description holding a significant enough grudge that it is suspicious.
Frankly I suspect OP is omitting patterns of behavior to make it seem like the daughter is being unreasonable and husband is absolved because he ‘apologized’. We don’t actually know exactly what the husband said by way of apology. I suspect it was not a sincere apology. I also suspect husband has exhibited a pattern of abusive behavior in which the ‘shirt’ incident was just the final straw.
The altercation at the house lacks details which is also suspicious.
Your husband apologized through you and to her in person.Your daughter is causing a problem and wants to have her own selfish way like a teenage brat.You don’t penalize your husband when he has apologized correctly and your daughter still throws it in his face.She is trying to cause you to get divorced as that is what she wants and only wants her way.Tell her to grow up and accept his apology or no more borrowing car and that you want stop your husband from attending events because she is a brat.
Idk if y’all were shopping in the wrong section that would stir up insecurities cause some parents do that intentionally to guilt their kid. Like, they both need to chill
YTA, as is your husband. I’m honestly amazed you permitted the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays to still take place at your house even knowing your daughter couldn’t attend. Maybe if you’d put your foot down and hosted the holidays elsewhere so she’d be able to attend, she wouldn’t want a holiday specifically with your husband excluded.
My dad has decided since he is retired, him & my mom no longer have any obligations to me. Holidays & birthdays are now spent on my own, because he now just wants to enjoy his life. This too say, your daughter not being able to spend holidays with you because of a decision that was made for her (not excusing her behavior), just sucks. Either a conversation needs to be had with both of them at the same time to grow up, or holidays be relocated to a venue where all are welcome.
>>He apologized repeatedly through me but my daughter was angry, hurt and felt it was extremely inappropriate.
Sorry, but no one can apologize “through” a third party.
>>About 1 month later my daughter came to my husbands house while I was out of state to borrow my car.
Why are you referring to it as your “husband’s house”? Do you not live there also?
>>He apologized and told her she took it out of context.
An apology given simultaneously with a disclaimer isn’t a real apology.
>>They went back and forth he said he was too old to change and she told him she didn’t want him to speak her name from his mouth.
Her response wasn’t kind, but the fact is that your husband never gave her a genuine apology; he DARVO’d her, and she saw right through it.
>>He told her to leave and she is now banned the house completely.
>>Our house is where we have our families gather for Thanksgiving and Christmas and the 4th of July is at my parents…. since this happened right before Thanksgiving my daughter was not allowed to attend the last 2 Thanksgivings and Christmas‘ here.
Honestly, YTA here. By choosing to spend the most important holidays of the year for seeing family —Thanksgiving and Christmas— in a home your husband has decreed that your daughter may not enter, you’re just as responsible for your daughter not being able to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family as your husband. Frankly, you and your husband deserve each other.
YTA. The fact that your husband has never been married before or has no children holds absolutely no bearing in this situation.
If you think he is lacking in some areas because he has no baggage, why did you marry him then?
You are using this as a constant excuse for whenever there is a concern with your adult daughter. You are very biased and it’s not fair. You knew he had never been married and had no children before you married him.
And why does your adult 34 year old daughter need to borrow a car so damn much??? Can’t she be independent and rent a car???
So, OP, let me ask, is your daughter a “big girl”? Would the shirt have been too small for her? Even if he hadn’t said she was a big girl and had only said the shirt wouldn’t have fit her she may have taken that as him calling her fat. If she’s a big girl, she is aware of it, may feel insecure about it and is mad that someone else noticed it.
From what you said, he has tried to talk to her and has apologized but she is dug in and won’t even listen. If she is not even willing to hear him out and he decides that she is no longer welcome in his home then that’s that. Now you, OP, need to sit them down and tell them to grow up and cut the shit.