AITA for requesting an STD and HIV test from my partner because I want raw sex? I, 28F have been with my boyfriend, 35M, for a little over a month now. From the very beginning, I did mention that I wanted him to get tested for STDs and HIV since we are intentionally dating and in a relationship. He agreed, but has been dragging it on and making excuses why he couldn’t go to the clinic. Mind you, our county offers testing for free on specific dates and times (but literally everyday of the week). It’s been a month now and he still hasn’t gone. I went exactly 14 days ago and it took about 20mins, in-and-out. Received my results the following week and was negative from absolutely everything. Excuses for him range from training with the National Guard to he’s tired on his days off, ect. For example, this week has been off since Tuesday-today (Friday) so 4 days off. Today his excuse is that’s he just wants to enjoy his vacation day relaxing since he had to give up his dog yesterday and is also super sad. Last week is that he’s tired and will eventually go. The free clinic is 14 mins away and yesterday (Thursday) the clinic offered was down his street 5mins away. We have been using condoms this entire time, however, last Saturday (out of all the times we had sex) apparently we had sex one time without a condom. We were drinking and I just don’t remember..I must add that I am a lightweight. For some background on why I am so hesitant on getting tested with my new partner…..my last 2 yr relationship with 29M, he gave me an STD after our first sexual encounter. I was dumb and didn’t ask for a condom since I guess we were in the moment, I’ll take accountability for that. I felt a burning sensation when I peed and he suggested we get tested. We said we wouldn’t play the blame game and both agreed to get tested. Before my ex, I went 6months without sex and was using condoms whenever I was being active. Did end up having the Trich STD and we both took our antibiotics given. Back to my current boyfriend, what is the hold up?! If a test is free and you have plenty of time off why would he not go get tested within these 4 weeks? I gave him an ultimatum…he either goes and gets it over with today (Friday) or I’m walking away from this relationship. Maybe I am overthinking or maybe I am not…since he told me we had sex without a condom last Saturday, I am worried about HIV…I am getting tested at the end of August just to be sure. I am very frustrated with having to tell a grown man 30x+ to do a simple task. What should I do? Walk away or be a pushover. AITA or do I have a valid reason to be upset and walk away?
Asking for an STD + HIV Testing
r/AITAH
Comments
Time to walk away from the relationship.
You really just shouldn’t be having sex if he won’t get tested. A condom helps but doesn’t 100% prevent all STDs (especially when you proceed to not use them while drunk)
Stop having sex with this guy. Make sure you go through with your testing.
NTA, and personally? I’d just end it regardless. He doesn’t give a fuck about you and he’s hoping you’ll eventually drop it. Drop him instead, and refuse to have sex even with a condom with your next bf until he gets tested. It’ll light a fire under his ass for sure.
He’s avoiding it for a reason. Trust your gut, do not have unprotected sex with this guy. That includes foreplay btw.
Unless you’re hoping for a baby, he should be using a condom everytime anyways.
The Gonorrhea test is the only that really is a drag. Otherwise it’s just blood tests.
I think your request is reasonable. I’ve had two women in my life who wanted to engage sex who wanted test results first. I had them done quickly.
Wait wait wait… you keep saying “HE TOLD ME we had sex without a condom”… so you’ve made it clear you want him to have an STD test and wear condoms until then yet he decided to what? Have unprotected sex without you noticing? Did he pretend to put a condom on? Were you drunk? That is not consensual sex if so…
You’re completely justified in giving him the ultimatum but honestly from the sounds of it he will probably just make another excuse. I think going forward you should 100% insist on protection with future partners and if you feel like you are too drunk to do so then it’s best to avoid any intimate interactions
You’ve set clear boundaries and you’ve given him plenty of time. You’re NTAH. If he can’t complete a simple task in a timely manner for your health and well being, what else is he going to be ‘to tired or to busy’ to do for you in the future?
Get tested again, and don’t fuck him ‘til he tests, or just walk away because he doesn’t seem to gaf.
He knows he’s positive for something.
You’re not the asshole at all. It’s basic respect for your health. His excuses are a huge red flag.
YTA SO let me get this straight. YOU got an STD and are not trying to get pregnant and you want to raw dog it ?!?! If you are not actively preventing pregnancy you are trying for it
NTA and this is my requirement for all partners, even if we ARE using condoms because those things can fall off or break. Offer to go with him and go tested at the same time.
NTA this is suspicious. He won’t do it for a reason. Hopefully it’s just fear of needles, but it could be something worse. This lack of honesty and transparency is enough to call it regardless. Whenever I’ve known of a girl to ask for a test for raw sex the man goes within 24 hours to get it because he also wants raw sex. Weird to wait. There is something you don’t know, hopefully fear of needles, but not telling is a red flag. Don’t ask him to get tested, demand it. He does it now, or you walk. Consider walking anyway, as you don’t want your relationship to become a mother relationship where you nag him to do basic responsible adult stuff.
Walk away. Stop wasting your time with this manchild.
If your relationship isn’t worth 20 minutes of his time, you ain’t worth much to him.
Just walkway and get a better man!
Stop having sex with him until he does it. Also, you were sexually assaulted. He is very well aware of the fact that you do not want to have sex without protection until he has been tested, you guys got really drunk and he had sex with you without protection, knowing how you feel about it. That is assault.
I agree with everyone else. But why did he have to get rid of his dog? That’s really sad.
Dump him. Too many excuses
Massive red flag to me. I’d say goodbye and adios but also go get your test in August.
Op doesn’t waste any time, does she?
Leave him. The only reason he would avoid it so much is because he has/had something and doesn’t want you to tell him no. He might even get happy off the thought of passing it on to women.
You got a man baby RUN!
NTA
He either has an STD, or suspects he has one and is afraid to confirm it
Or.is a man child and doesn’t want to go simply because he feels you are “making him” do something
Either way, not good
Do no have unprotected sex under any circumstances, and frankly, I’d be nervous about having sex at all
That’s very dangerous and scary. It doesn’t take much to get a test. Stay away from him
You’ve been together a month. Wtf are you thinking going raw at all with him yet. You have socks older than this relationship.
I mean yeah to the STI test, of course but ffs, care enough about yourself to also protect yourself from anything not picked up on yet by those tests as well as unwanted pregnancy.
Either that’s suspicious, or he’s just that lazy. Some people really are just that lazy and they don’t care. Either way, seems like incompatibility between you two
Absolutely NTA! I used to make all new boyfriends come with me so we could both get tested- especially if we discussed not using a condom. I’ve always been on the pill or had an IUD, but used condoms additionally to protect against everything else. Any man that’s not okay with this request isn’t a decent man, I’d walk away if it were me.
YTA simply for having any type of sex with someone who absolutely refuses to get tested. Condoms don’t protect you from all of them. There is also the chance of one breaking/being defective. You are being an absolute AH to yourself having a sexual relationship with someone who is proving he is an unsafe partner.
I always use to joke of “if you want me to touch it, ya gotta get it tested.” Which was all lighthearted fun until the first two men I dated after my divorce tested positive for something (both different ones)! Two for two!!
Dump him. It’s not just about the STD testing. He is showing u who he is. He is Mr A Million Excuses On Why He Couldn’t Get ANYTHING Done.
Why would any woman want to date or marry such a man? If this continues, you’ll become the nag and assume the role of his mother, constantly telling him what he needs to do, when, reminding him of this that and the other thing.
If u want sex, I bet u could get a situationship with a guy who would’ve gotten 10 STD tests for u yesterday.
NTA for having standards
YTA possibly continuing to sleep with him anyways, protection or not.
INFO: is it possible he doesn’t want a pregnancy scare and is deliberately delaying testing to continue using condoms?
He’s got somethin 👀
Well that’s a crime, go to the police and stay away from that dangerous person.
Why is he so hesitant? Yikes. Major red flag.
Absolutely no sex for me before getting testing done. You don’t want some disease! 😊
homestly if he fights you on this what else will he fight you over? also why is he so against going to get tested if he doesn’t have anything? if he does and still did it raw than you definitely need to be tested. the “apparently we had sex one time without a condom. We were drinking and I just don’t remember” comment really worries me. this goes to show he does not respect your boundaries.leave this man. you were drunk and not in the right state of mind and he took advantage of you. if he genuinely cared about you he would go get the test without push back. this is an easy ask of your partner. please leave and find someone who genuinely loves and respects you
My kids and most of their friends insist on STD testing of a potential partner and themselves before starting a sexual relationship. And it used to be easy, it was the single largest service provided Planned Parenthood clinics at low cost or free based on ability to pay. With PP under attack by Republicans and many Christians, testing is harder to find and more expensive.
“The U.S. South — a region that is home to roughly 39% of the population — accounts for over 60% of the top 25 metropolitan areas with the highest STI rates in this year’s study. But, believe it or not, that’s actually a slight improvement over last year’s study.
The number of Floridian cities in the top 100 has slightly increased, though Miami has improved relative to other cities, ranking 19th now instead of its previous 16th.
Gulf states, in particular, are heavily represented in our top 25 metro areas, accounting for over a third of them. Louisiana alone is home to three of the 25 cities with the highest STI rates, though Montgomery, AL, has jumped several positions and leapfrogged New Orleans, LA, to become the city with the 3rd highest rates. A look into the state-level data from the CDC reveals similar trends seen in the data for major metropolitan areas: seven of the top 10 states with the highest gonorrhea infection rates are located in the South, and the South contributes eight of the top 10 states with the highest rates of chlamydia infection.
NTA, however why are you still with him? Its only a month in and he isnt willing to give you peace of mind? Hell he isnt even allowing himself peace of mind. Men rarely ever get tested compared to women. So, my two cents
Excuse my language but…
If he’s too tired to get tested, then there’s no way he’s not too tired to get fucked.
Drop the asshole.
He doesn’t respect you or care about you. Time to move on whether he gets tested or not.
That’s being responsible
If he can’t bother getting tested, is this someone you want to be with?
NTA
Yeah, this guy ain’t it. You’re young and smart and deserve SO much better.
Girl, what’s it to you? Please respect yourself. Just leave and wish him well. If he was really about you, this wouldn’t be an issue.
The AI bots want to have raw sex now eh?
Naughty computers
He’s not getting tested because you’re still giving him sex. Clearly he doesn’t mind using condoms. Quit having sex and he’ll either go get tested or leave you. Why should he go through all that trouble and what I can only assume is embarrassment on his end, when you’re still putting out?
Drop him
This is such basic health request when engaging with people sexually, that no, you are not overreacting by prioritizing your health and safety.
At this point, I think you DTMFA.
I’d skip to Quest lab and wait as a walk-in for some unprotected hanky panky. That dude is hiding some diseases.
I get joint testing with every guy I date after we have the discussion on safer sex and what it takes for me to accept raw sex. All partners have complied.
I’m curious if he has HPV or herpes? Or just overall fear? Regardless, it’s a healthy boundary and not a hard ask.
So he has already raped you and your still around. Jesus christ woman.
Normal request. My partner and I did it before any sex. It’s called respect.
No Nookie till he gets tested. Every time he asks or hints for nookie, hand him a list of places to go for testing.
If he doesn’t get the hint after a few times, move on.
NTA. either he already knows he’s positive for something or he’s taking your fears and your ability to feel safe with him as the absolute last thing in his priorities list.
Also, if he knows how strongly you feel about this, he should be putting a condom on no questions asked, no matter how “in the moment” you two were.
You have been dating for a month. HIV has an incubation time of several months, and you can’t even be sure that you’re the only one he’s having sex with. You shouldn’t have raw sex with anyone after such a short time, regardless of testing.
I’m not saying that he’s a cheater, you simply don’t know him long enough.
Nah you’re justified in knowing what you’re exposing your body to. If you’ve both been active then it makes sense to establish that baseline. If he’s not gonna do it then you need to set your boundaries and consider walking away.
You should both be tested
You should have dumped him when he wouldn’t go to the clinic lol
I would not have sex with someone who doesn’t have a recent clean test.
I agree. Break up with him if he won’t get tested. NTA in the slightest.
NTA, and I’d end the relationship based on him doing you raw without your knowledge under the influence which is a type of rape is you don’t consent to it, on top of his refusal to go get tested.
Dude has herpes and knows it.
So if he does have say herpes what are you going to do?
he’s the asshole, please walk away
NTAH.
Gf asked me to do that, and I did it without hesitation. It was an important part of building trust early on.
Girl, PLEASE continue to use condoms & other forms of birth control. If you are so silly enough to come here to ask this question & give literally unnecessary background info, you are definitely not someone who should risk procreating.
THEN, you actually asked if you should walk away or be a pushover…girl BYE with that dumb shit.
Walk away. You’ve given him enough time to figure stuff out.
NTA
Common courtesy
Sounds like he already knows that something’s going to show up and if it’s herpes those condoms are not going to protect you.
Why would he bother getting the tests done if you’re already putting out?
One month on and he’s already being like this? Movie tf on.
In this day and age, it’s perfectly acceptable to ask for an STI screening before you start having sex with them. Certain strains of HPV can cause cancer mostly cervical, but throat and anus is also possible. Chlamydia can cause infertility if not treated in a timely manner. I think it is time for you to find a new partner. The current one is not worth it.
He maybe doesn’t trust you to manage birth control and doesn’t know how to, or have a desire to, breach the subject. Regardless, his lack of transparency is unacceptable and you have every right to suspect he has an STD because of it.
1 month and raw sex oh hell nah. So many levels of u alshould not be having sex period. Just no. No to the relationship, no to ANY relationship get your head straight first, no to any sex , just no
You do the right thing, walk away. He just doesn’t care
Run and legit ask yourself why you would allow any man in you raw, tested or not. You’ve been together a month. Even if his current test is negative you’re going to risk this shit? Girl, no! Stop this fucking reckless behavior.
Ladies you wanna treat your coochie like a clown car, that’s cool but do not mess with any man who doesn’t suit up to play.
Please walk away. You’re smarter than this. Put your own self worth first
Girl.
Girl. Walk away.
He doesn’t give a damn about you & your health. You know this. And you know there are diseases out there that could affect your health permanently.
Please choose you.
NTA and my guess is he has one that doesn’t go away. You can still get an STI with condoms so stop having sex and give him a deadline or break up with him.
Ffs
Get PEP or Doxy pep IMMEDIATELY following sex without a condom. Fuck all that. You should NOT be having sex with someone who refuses to get tested. Protect yourself.
He probably knows or suspects he is positive for something and doesn’t want you to know. Or doesn’t want to face it himself.
And if he had not used a condom even once, it’s time not to have sex with him again.
Honestly based on this behaviour, it’s maybe not worth sticking with him.
NTA. He’s got something and knows it.
Red flags 🚩 in abundance here. Run away.
NTA
Um, thats literally something I list in my profiles. When my last test was, and I expect your results before we even think about a sexual encounter. Otherwise it doesn’t happen, condoms or not. Its not a risk I want to take
This is highly suspicious NTA
NTA, this is a valid concern and at this point it sounds like he does not care about you, you’d be better off without him, find someone who has no problem with this and agrees with you, good luck OP
NTA, i dont have sex w someone until we both get tested even w condoms.
NTA and, honestly? You’re under reacting a bit. My personal policy is every time I add a body we both get tested, I won’t go barrier free except hand stuff until we’ve been monogamous for a full 6 months and after another STI screening for us both, and I continue to get tested every 6 months for the duration of the relationship. Most STIs aren’t a big deal if you catch them early and even the permanent ones can be managed with treatment but its be44er for long term health to find out sooner rather than later.
You’re a month in & looking into condomless sex with a guy who cant even get tested? You gave up easily, at least in his mind, because you didn’t even wait for tests before having sex. He clearly has an STD and im sure it prevents him from finding a willing partner because most want that clear test before any sex. Walk away, and in the future don’t do anything without knowing he’s clean.
You want him to get tested because YOU (not him requesting but you) want to have unprotected sex? Am I understanding that right? I mean, yeah ill say its odd that he doesn’t want to get tested even if only for peace of mind but maybe he’s dragging ass because HE doesn’t want to have unprotected sex. Or maybe I am reading this wrong?
Yes, I see where they had sex w/o condom recently. If that was a “heat of the moment” thing while drunk it couldve genuinely been a misshap? I dont know.
He probably has HSV, my friend is on a mission to find the one and has had 40+ tindr/app dates this last year. She always asks for tests, two behaved exactly like this and both ended up having some version of herpes.
End it babe. If he wanted to, he would. That applies to everything.
NTA
He is a grown man. If he does not want to take the time to make you feel safe and protected, pass. I made all of my exes get tested. He might be scared of the answer, and he is risking your safety because of this. My husband would never.
To add my two cents. I got mine done literally the next morning after my gf and I discussed it when we started dating. It’s not hard and I wanna prove to her and myself I’m clean so we don’t have to worry about stuff moving forward. Plus I knew the sooner I did it and could show her the sooner we would actually start having sex. I think it should just be the norm for new relationships tbh
YATAH. You continue to fuck him while he continues to avoid testing. Both of you are immature.
It shouldn’t be that hard. Do you really want to be with someone who drags their feet like this for something easy? I’d be worried about the rising cases of syphilis and the fact that men of often non-symptomatic for lots of things!
Lmao doesn’t the national guard only meet one weekend a month? Don’t do anything with him unless he tests. Including oral/hand jobs. If you get something on your hands it’s easy to forget how much stuff we touch, and how often we touch our faces/rub the area around our eyes and mouth. There’s no reason to drag feet for std testing.
Absolutely walk away.
Also, he probably assaulted you if you remember anything about the sex and he does. You can’t consent if you’re that drunk, and if he’s lucid that’s your answer.
I don’t have sex with people until they are tested prior, I hold myself to the same standard. If they won’t – ✌️.
My guess is he knows he’s positive for herpes and doesn’t want to ‘fess up
NTA, and if you can’t trust him to get tested, how can you trust him with your health? You’re smart to insist on the testing, and if he won’t do it then he’s not the guy.
Crazy to me that you didn’t get tested first before having sex…..
The National Guardsmen get tested for HIV every two years. Ask when his last one was or ask to see his medical record.
As for punching the bore, most men will decline due to the discomfort and slight pain. Unless they’re actually showing signs or their partner tests positive, they won’t go for testing.
But, you’re NTA. You’re protecting your health and he doesn’t show a vested interest in being in a safe and healthy relationship – walk away.
Why are you still having sex with him if he isn’t willing to get tested….
You should stick to your boundary. I’ll tell ya, condom sex sucks. It’s fine if it’s the only option and you are both really down to fuck. But getting tested is so quick and easy, it is def an easy step to raw sex. Sorry to over share my prospective as a penis-haver.
If he isn’t willing to do so, he has something he doesn’t want to tell you about or he is so unwilling to take a step to make you feel comfortable that is almost worse. Dump the dude, lots of DDF guys out there willing to show you.
I mean I feel like he probably has something if he’s just making excuses the entire time he probably is hiding something definitely not the asshole though
He knows he has an STD
Nta. Leave. It should be standard to get tested regularly and for someone to be like Im good, you? When starting something new.
cut your losses and move on.
NTA –
He isn’t doing it, either because he has something, or feels its beneath him to get it done (whether thats some stigma about his “image” getting it done or just ego) but either way, you should probably get rid of him. I NEVER have an issue getting an STD/STI check for any new partner, and ask the same. I want to be safe, and I want them to be safe. I want both of us to feel comfortable getting into a physical relationship, and as adults, it should pretty much just be expected that you are going to get them.
The amount of effort in avoiding it, and the amount of affront he has for being asked, is sending up tons of red flags about this situation.
On top of it, I’m side eyeing that whole “We were drinking the other night, and I guess we had sex without a condom, but I don’t remember it” statement too. Even if no other substances were involved in that situation playing out, the fact that he KNEW you didn’t want to have sex without a condom until he got tested, and still took advantage of the situation to go in raw tells me you should be avoiding him like the plague (which he might have, who knows, he still needs to get tested) and letting everyone of your friends know to avoid him too.
You shouldn’t be walking away, you should be running away screaming.
NTA. This makes me mad for you OP and I think he took advantage of you being drunk.