My dad recently revealed that he knows he’s compulsive, and also that he just found out he has what he described as “no testosterone”.
These are things that I think I’ve known to some degree for a very long time. He has always been extremely particular about how he wants things to be done, and I’ve always found myself wanting to behave in a way that will ensure that he doesn’t get really emotional. I’m not afraid of his emotions, but he’s expressed things a lot throughout my life that have ended up being embarrassing, and when I was young it cost me some friends. My friends would say he was weird and then I’d just slowly lose touch with them because they didn’t want to deal with him. Not to mention that even when I and my friends were 18 and close to it, he would do things like call all of my friends’ parents if he thought we were having a party even if all we were doing was hanging out together as a group. I get why my friends stopped hanging out with me because of him.
As far as the low testosterone goes, I don’t really hold that against him since you can’t really help it, but I can’t help but remember these times growing up where he acted really strange if I did something that he saw as “manly”. I’m not exactly the most manly man of all time, but I like heavy music, carrying heavy objects, roughhousing, hiking through the forest, and driving fast (when it’s safe to do so). I also have always had a somewhat above average sex drive. I’m not saying that all of these things are strictly masculine activities. What I am saying, though, is that HE saw them as particularly masculine activities, and he didn’t exactly prohibit me from doing competitive, traditionally masculine things, but he did very much treat me like I was somehow kind of toxic for doing these things. It didn’t matter how much good I was doing for the world, and I do sincerely want to do good for the world; something about the way I carry myself always kind of put him off.
Regarding the sex drive, my dad and I had some really good communication about sex at one point, to the point that I was getting serious with a girlfriend I was with around age 16, and he seemingly wanted to make sure that I was being safe, so we talked thoroughly about sex and all that. I thought it was a good talk. So my girlfriend and I had sex (she and I were each other’s firsts), and my dad didn’t exactly catch us but he did pull me aside the next day and said that he “heard sounds” that sounded like sex. We were quiet, but you know, wood creaking, bumping, that kind of thing. Because of our conversations around sex, I thought it would be ok to tell him the truth. So I did. He then proceeded to call my girlfriend’s dad and essentially rat us out.
Now I’m 38, I have a good job, I’ve been married for 10 years, and I have 2 kids. I knew even when I was younger that I’d never do to them what my dad did to me, if only because of how much his behaviors affected my ability to trust him ever. I tell my dad almost nothing, and pretty much only have him in my life because I want my kids to have a grandfather. He doesn’t hurt them or anything, but man he is terrible with them. He has no idea how to be a good grandfather. He’s awkward, clumsy, and my kids seem kind of nervous around him, too. I don’t think he’s literally a dangerous person. I think he’s just… off. I never leave them alone with him. He’s just the weird family member. Every family has one. I was just raised by mine.
It feels kind of good to be validated by the clinical proof that he has these things that I to some degree always knew he’s had, but I’m pissed that it happened so late in life, and I’m more pissed than I am happy about the validation. If he had known sooner, if he had prioritized being a good dad and figuring out his shit when he was younger, we could have had a good relationship. I could have seen family overall in a more positive light. I do now, with the family I’ve made, but he could have done that. I could have learned how to be a good father from him, instead of having to figure it out on my own by asking myself “what would my dad do” and doing the opposite most of the time.