Will save some of the relationship backstory/drama, but her (23f) and I (26m) have been together about six months and this is the first time a real insecurity/potential cheating issue has come up.
Basically, when we got together I knew she had a lot of guys vying for her attention, but I’ve never really been the jealous type besides the obvious cheating heartbreak everyone’s been through once or twice, so it didn’t really bother me seeing her phone lit up every so often (also helped knowing she didn’t reply).
However, we’ve been going through some issues lately (more so just her overcoming an addiction/post rehab, but I’ve tried to make it a “both of us improvement” thing). One day, somewhat recently, I noticed a text pop up on her phone while together that read to the extent of “hmu when you’re single.” Harmless, but a part of me felt the urge to text him back something funny until I saw a string of messages, and a 45 minute facetime, in their past convos, all within the past 2 weeks.
I’d never heard of this person, but from what I can gather it’s someone she met during rehab. And while she hasn’t said anything necessarily flirty back over text, she did not shut it down either and even facetimed after getting a message saying basically “leave your bf you’ll like it better w me.”
Im conflicted, because I really do love and care for this girl. But I really don’t have an excuse for going through the phone and finding the messages/calls, and bringing it up seems like it would lead nowhere.
What should I do?
Comments
Do not feel bad for going through her phone, it is not like that is something you do as a habit. She gave you reasons to do it, you were right with your suspicion.
It is disrespectful indeed.
The situation you’re describing is exactly the one where after attempting to “help her” recover, you will be the the one needing therapy and recovering with your mental health. Don’t do it, save yourself.
her overcoming an addiction
I’m going to give you some harsh reality for a second. Addiction comes with lying and hiding and you cannot change that. unless she’s Many months, ideally a year or so out of rehab and sober, you can expect lying and all kinds of things that go with it. The occational drug here and there because “just this once doesn’t count” included. Remember, all kinds of things will be “just this once doesn’t count” …
Sounds like someone who’s already hooked up with her or preying on her for being in a relationship, it’s up to her to be loyal. Personally I wouldn’t get emotionally attached to her if someone texted her “hmu when you’re single” sounds off
Cheating and boundaries aren’t universal; they mean different things to different people. Some think texting or FaceTiming someone else is harmless, others see it as crossing the line. That’s why these definitions need to be talked about early in a relationship, not left to guesswork.
Right now, what matters isn’t whether she thinks this was “flirty” or not, it’s how it felt to you. If it left you feeling hurt, insecure, or questioning trust, that’s a sign the boundary wasn’t clear between you two.
The only way forward is an honest conversation. Lay out what cheating means to you, ask her what it means to her, and see if those definitions line up. If they don’t, the relationship will keep running into the same wall. If they do, then you’ll know exactly what needs to change for you both to feel secure.
The fact you’re going through her phone suggests you don’t trust her so that’s already too late. She has crossed boundaries and you deserve someone you can trust. Not sure if I’ll continue the relationship if I were you.
Also she’s not a child. She should know face timing someone for ages who’s clearly interested isn’t the right thing to do.
How are all these guys who text her getting her number in the first place ?