I 24f have been with my boyfriend for three years now. For the past year and a half we have lived with my aunt.
My aunt is amazing, charges minimum rent and really doesn’t care as long as our rent is paid..
With that being said we both just turned 24. I’m ready to move out. To have my own home, lol. Yes it is going to be expensive but we both work full time.. no reason why we can’t afford to live on our own at this age.
We have talked about it, we have looked at places, applied to several places… I don’t know what exactly goes wrong but something always happens and sets us back. He always seems onboard but there’s never no follow through. I don’t know how to explain it. It almost feels as if he’s just comfortable living with family.. he did live with his parents prior to living with me, he moved in due to fighting with his parents.
So, because I’ve gotten fed up with him not following through and his lack of interest in moving.. I told him I don’t really want to have sex right now at least until we move out. My sec drive isn’t there and im not exactly turned on with my aunt across the hall…
Recently he’s been getting a little uneasy. Not mad or anything but he keeps bringing it up. He said to me tonight while getting in the shower, “ What that hand do? “
And honestly.. I just kinda stared at him. Cause nothing. I am not turned on with my aunt and uncle across the hall constantly and if we are gonna have sex or mess around we can do it in our own home.
So.. Aitah?
Edit:
I am moving out august 1st, regardless of the situation at hand. I’ve been working for it for 4 months! I have two jobs! I am not expecting him to house me or anything of that nature, I just wish he’d express more interest and effort.
Comments
No, leave this loser
“If he wants you to be in the mood, he should try turning you on with a lease agreement, not a shower joke. Nothing sexier than follow through and a signed rental application.”
It’s super common for people to lose interest in sex when they don’t feel emotionally or physically safe. Totally valid.
You’re not punishing him, you’re setting a boundary. If he’s not building a future with you, he doesn’t get the intimacy that comes with one.
NTA. You’re not a prude you’re just not aroused by a man who’s fine living like a college kid at 24. If he wants action, he should try acting like an adult.
NTA. Not being in the mood for sex never makes you the asshole imo, both parties should be an enthusiastic and ongoing yes etc. Have you explicitly communicated this with him, though? It could be clearer in your post if you’ve told him exactly why you’re not in the mood for it?
no, nta, dont give him wife privileges if he doesnt meet the wife requirements.
my bf also did this when we stayed over at his parents house but i wasnt comfortable doing stuff when his parents are hosting me, i feel like its disrespectful but he insisted. i eventually let him do it because i felt bad and i was zoned out the entire time, it just felt horrible. dont do the same mistake, you might end up resenting him.
Not TAH… When are you moving?
Can you sort of subtly ‘edge’ him until then? So the sexy fun, light flirty stuff is still there but without the actual sex part…. Could be kinda kinky?
I think you’ve lost interest because you’re learning that he is a loser.
Let him move back in with his parents and find someone who actually wants to grow up.
NTA
YTA
You literally are a grown ass woman. If you want permement housing. Find it. This isnt 1952. Pussy isnt gonna get you a condo. Be a grown up and stop blame shifting your lifes circumstances. Heres proof im right..
“we have looked at places, applied to several places… I don’t know what exactly goes wrong but something always happens and sets us back”
Ahh. So he did try. He appied to SEVERAL places. And got denied. Kinda like gee idk… you. Who also got denied. Because BOTH of you are in the same predictable circumstance. You’re gonna have a long life of getting cheated on if you withold sex anytime life gets challenging. Grow tf up. And take responsibility.
NTA, is it because you don’t want your aunt hearing? If so that’s perfectly understandable
YTA and dude schould run. If this is the go to move (removing physical love), then it’s going to be a sad life together of bargaining.
YTA for weaponizing sex, and for making it all his responsibility when you’re perfectly capable of doing things for yourself. It’s hypocritical to demand he grow up when you refuse to grow up yourself.
Using sex coercively is never a good move. It’s a pretty deliberate and obvious ultimatum and even if it “works” it’s going to cause so many trust issues down the road. Trust me. It might seem silly and small and easy to joke about but if you are incompatible don’t stay with someone and withhold things out of spite. No one benefits from it in the long run. I personally would never sign a lease with someone who operates this way. And if he does he will only resent you for it in the end.
NTA. Nobody wants to have sex when there are other people near by.
Sound like he’s not for you. It happens. Move on gracefully
I do think it is a bit of a dick move to use sex as a weapon. There are deeper problems in your relationship than just moving out. You guys need to have a very very open conversation because forcing him to move out is not healthy for him and him forcing you to stay is not healthy for you. You need to put all cards on the table otherwise resentment will grow on both of you guys. Talk now before it gets to bad.
You shouldn’t be pressured into sex ir intimacy until or when you are ready. There are sometimes we make concessions for our longterm partnerships (husband/wife), but if you do not want to have Cardinal relations, sex, then dont. If your partner really loves you, they will support your choice for bypassing intimacy, as a valid choice that you made and they will support you because they love you. They can always rub one out at a point where their emotional response is more important than their physical one.
I wish you to find a partner that knows thw difference. When to make you laugh, when you make u fierce, and when to love and coddle. All 3 of those points are healthy to have in a Relationship. We have to adapt into what is needed for our partners health and love of each other. Best of luck. Communication and ego checks are really the key
YTA, withholding sex as a weapon is toxic and immature as fuck
Using sex as a bargain is a big No. If sex is important to him, you may lose him. Try other ways, my dear. Talk to him nicely. I do agree that having your own place do make your life more meaningful n fulfilling.
YTA. Weaponizing sex is a really shitty move.
You’re NTA for not wanting to have sex with him because you don’t find his actions or the situation attractive, but I would highly recommend against using sex as a carrot to get him to do something.
What happens when you move into your own place but still don’t want to do it? Or next time he pisses you off and you remember this is how you can get your way.
Focus on the relationship health and situation and you’re good. “Honestly it’s hard for me to be turned on knowing my aunt is across the hall. I also am frustrated by the lack of follow through and initiative I’ve seen from you lately, and when I’m frustrated with you, I’m not in the mood to have sex.” If he asks if you’ll have sex with him once you move, I’d say: “This isn’t a situation where I can predict how I’ll feel, but if we work on living in a place where I’m more relaxed and prioritizing the health of our relationship, I’m hopeful that my desire will follow those feelings.”
NTA. Your bf is learning how not sexy it is to be that childish. Might be a red flag he wants to be comfortable and coddled vs hungry and ambitious..
dont know what the dude is waiting for… maybe hes scared?
If your bf is not on his way to becoming your fiance at this point on top of not stepping up and getting you both your own place, hes still a child and you are better without. Also NTAH. Hes a immature loser and of course hes not embarrassed about having sex with your family around, he isn’t embarrassed to have to rent and live with you and your family.
Want to edit to add. Sorry to be so blunt, but I have lived with a loser like this and it doesn’t get better.
Don’t weaponise intimacy.
Talk about it, I it doesn’t change, make a choice to move on or not..
Your boyfriend asking What that hand do. While living with family is like trying to cook a romantic dinner in a crowded kitchen there’s just too many people around. Time to get that place of your own.
Stop dragging YOUR feet.
Go and find YOUR own place.
BF can stay with your aunt or move back to parents or whatever.
YTA- using sex as a tool to get what you want is wrong.
NTA- you shouldn’t be sleeping with a loser who want to live off your or his family. Ask any single woman with deadbeat dad’s for exes. Get a Man who wants to equally contribute to your future.
From your replies, you are working 2 jobs, is he? You are contributing most of the money into the move out fund. Stop. Until he matches all you have contributed. If he is not willing to match your funds, withdraw what you deposited, kick him out of your aunts, and move on. There are tons of better men, and there is no short supply. But if my life experiences have taught me anything, most likely in a year from now, you will be posting about how he got fired and still doesn’t help take care of the kid. You are 24, still young enough to break the habit of dating guys that are not good enough. I hope you do better than so many of my friends did.
Despite the fact that he needs to buckle up and start getting things done, your decision to block sex seems to be intentional and used as a tool. You probably know sex is perhaps the one thing he ‘follows through’, so you decide to leverage it, which i find cruel if I’m being honest..
It doesn’t sound that great overall, this whole “He lived with his parents, but they had a fight and then he moved in” begs the question: What was the fight about? Was it his fault? Was he sloppy or something like that?
Second thing that I noticed: What are you looking for exactly? Apartment? If that falls through every time maybe try to follow up with the landlord and see what was wrong? The first thing that came to mind was that he may have sabotaged it somehow like anonymously messaged them like “Don’t rent out to this person because of <insert whatever>”
Last thing and that’s more of a side note, because it’s only secondary to your situation: It sounds a bit like he has to meet your demands and then you may think about meeting some of his and that normally doesn’t work out long or well. Now I’m not saying you have to sleep with him in your aunt’s house if that mames you uncomfortable, but maybe look at the whole situation (or more likely in your next relationship) from a different perspective.
Relationships are give and take, so that’s always important and I once read something along the lines of “A successful relationship is one where both parties are willing to give more than they take” and that sounds like pretty good advice to me, to a certain extend of course.
Move out on your own. He’s not going to be a grown up