I (M,39) and my wife (F,33) have a nephew graduating from high school. We have two little girls, 2 yo and 2 month old. The two month old has already been hospitalized once due to a severe infection. She now has colic, making it very hard to travel. My wife, is a SAHM and I work 10 hour days.
My family has now been guilt tripping me about coming to my nephew’s graduation party even if it is just me. We don’t want our youngest traveling the 2 hours 1 way to and from where the party is at and then back home, 4 hours in the car all together, let alone being around a bunch of people she isn’t used to. My wife has said she is ok with me going by myself but I don’t want to leave her alone with both girls since she has them during the week by herself.
I said when she was born that we would not be traveling with her before the age of 3 months because her sister had complications and we knew the troubles of a newborn. I have stated on multiple occasions that we would not be traveling with her, to all of their faces, my parents the day she was born. I feel like our boundaries about our daughter not traveling longish distances before 3 months is being crossed and if I give into this, where would it stop. My sister is crying to my parents and having them guilt tripping me as well. They don’t care if my wife and girls come or not, only me.
Edit for Context
We live in the US. My nephew is 18. He isn’t going to college, he is more mechanical/technical. He is moving across the country the week after his party.
As some have guessed, yes my sister is the golden child especially with my dad. We think she is trying to live vicariously because she did not graduate high school.
My sister and my wife don’t get along. Her and my dad aren’t the best either but my mom and her get along too well. My dad and sister have a tendency to blame my wife for everything even if it is my decision.
My wife and I are extremely close. Her and I both put 100% into our family. Our youngest (LS) got Air Lifted to our nearest children’s hospital at 6 days old. She had contracted rhinovirus that took her down. She was there for 4 days on oxygen battling. The same hospital our oldest daughter (BS) was in NICU at for the 1st month of her life. My wife almost died during child birth with both of them. To say all three are my everything is an understatement.
One person mentioned an extradornary gift, my wife and I are currently looking at NFL tickets for his favorite team, which is ironically the state he is moving to
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I (M,39) and my wife (F,33) have a nephew graduating from high school. We have two little girls, 2 yo and 2 month old. The two month old has already been hospitalized once due to a severe infection. She now has colic, making it very hard to travel. My wife, is a SAHM and I work 10 hour days.
My family has now been guilt tripping me about coming to my nephew’s graduation party even if it is just me. We don’t want our youngest traveling the 2 hours 1 way to and from where the party is at and then back home, 4 hours in the car all together, let alone being around a bunch of people she isn’t used to. My wife has said she is ok with me going by myself but I don’t want to leave her alone with both girls since she has them during the week by herself.
I said when she was born that we would not be traveling with her before the age of 3 months because her sister had complications and we knew the troubles of a newborn. I have stated on multiple occasions that we would not be traveling with her, to all of their faces, my parents the day she was born. I feel like our boundaries about our daughter not traveling longish distances before 3 months is being crossed and if I give into this, where would it stop. My sister is crying to my parents and having them guilt tripping me as well. They don’t care if my wife and girls come or not, only me.
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Send a card. Feel no guilt. Take care of your family. The one you created is the most important one.
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NTA.
Having strong boundaries around your immediate family is healthy. Your extended family is being selfish by pushing against your boundary. Your sister’s overreaction to your inability to attend to her child’s graduation basically sounds ridiculous and very selfish. Just keep maintaining your boundary. Maybe mute their calls and chats for a while if they continue. And remind them ‘no is a complete sentence’.
It’s called bring a father and husband. Everyone is secondary and of lesser importance when you see the need or wish to stay at home with your wife and children.
Your family is being silly, no need to explain yourself.
You’ve already said no. It is what it is. If you sister and your parents are guilt tripping you, hang up and block. They aren’t doing what’s in the best interest of your child.
What the hell?!!!!
Do they care so little for you that they think it’s reasonable to harass you over a party? A flipping party?
Tell them it doesn’t work for you and if they continue to push, you’ll block them until after the party.
NTA. You’re not responsible for your nephew or sister. You’re only responsible for your wife and kids, and you’re doing the right thing by staying with them. Their needs come first, and tbh, a HS graduation isn’t something I’d put an effort into unless it’s my own kid.
Love how the but We’Re FaMiLy contingent picks and chooses what’s “acceptable”.
Nta your chidren come before anyone else. Your wife and children ate your family now. Your parents have to get with the program that they come first for now, and always
Send a card/gift, and stay home
Your family needs you, your nephew not so much. Send your nephew a card with some cash in it. That’s enough.
Send a card with $20- in it and block their numbers. They need to talk to you they have your email.
NTA.
Step 1) Explain the situation to your nephew and ask him how he would feel if you can’t make it.
He’ll say it’s ok, he’s a 16 yo boy..
Step 2) Venmo him money as a graduation gift.
Step 3) inform your sister and family that your nephew was ok with it and was superhappy for his gift. They can’t really say anything..
Oh, and ask for pics. To show your interest.
You sound like a great dad and husband, being so considerate to your wife and kids. 👏🏼
NTA
Amazing you are supporting your wife, ans daughters.
Just say, I’m sorry. I’m not coming. I’ve sent a nephew a text and sent him a card and a gift/money that I really hope I can make his next graduation.
Save the trip for his college graduation.
Don’t go, your family is your priority!
NTA. You have nothing to feel guilty about you are protecting your family. If the baby has already had an infection requiring hospitalization, you don’t want to risk getting sick being around all those people either.
NTA. Venmo your nephew $50 with your regrets. Tell your sister to take 10 giant steps backwards and respect the fact that you are taking care of your family.
Your sister crying to your parents at her grown ass age isn’t moving anybody’s hearts over here.
Maybe just go stone silent. I mean, you’re currently a dad to a newborn. Your wife needs your support. If this is what you need to do for your nuclear family, then that’s what you need to do. Everyone who’s a grown-up is gonna have to start remembering and acting like a grown-up. This isn’t about winning. It’s about the priority placement of your responsibilities, and that would be your sick newborn and wife– who is 3 months post-partum. Honestly, they don’t get to decide how you go about meeting your responsibilities as father and husband. That’s a you-only decision.
So this is what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna email/group WhatsApp them in a polite but firm way that you as a new dad need to stay with your sick newborn and support your wife etc [ChatGPT can help you word this in a Civil yet firm manner]. And in the same text, tell them you will no longer be addressing this issue. Your decision has been made, and it’s not a negotiation.
Also, wish the nephew well and send him a congratulations text. Tell him you’re proud of all his hard work and what he’s accomplished and that you’re sure he’ll go on to build a great life for himself. (Maybe Venmo him some congratulations money)
And really, emotional blackmail at everyone’s grown age?
Aside: Honestly, what is up with your sister? Does she really think the sun revolves around her baby boy? Cause hundreds of kids graduate every year. Is she treating this as something where she needs to “win”? Residual sibling rivalry kicking up again? Is she the golden child? Honestly, as a mother, she should want your youngest to have every support available and to not be causing bad blood (however minor) with her SIL, who must be so very stressed. Such lack of compassion and sense.
If you want your boundaries respected: FIRST you must not break them and SECOND there must be consequences for people who do break them (like you’ll be going no contact with them for a certain period of time, etc but consequences must be pre-communicated and acted upon. So don’t make bluffs here.)
And really, it’s not your job to please everyone. They can use their life skills and get over the disappointment.
Facetime the bunch during the grad party.
Wanna blow up their schemes? Send your nephew something mind blowing with a card saying you’re sorry you couldn’t be there but look forward to doing something with him soon.
Tickets to a baseball game for you, him, some friends, his Dad
What does he really like that you can realistically accommodate?
Drag race weekend
Trip to I-fly indoor skydiving for him and a friend
Into music? Tickets to something he’d like?
Your children come first. Period. If anyone is offended by that it is their problem, not yours.
NTA
NTA – I don’t go to my nephew’s graduation party because I didn’t want to. You have valid reasons!
I only read to having a 2 year old and 2 month old. No need to explain any further. NTA.
You could go with the oldest daughter and give the wife somewhat of a break. Or you can send a card and let your nephew know you would like to meet up for dinner in the near future to celebrate his graduation. He will likely be hanging out with friends all day anyhow.
NTA. Stay home with your wife and children.
Just skip it and ignore them.
My cousin got married when my son was about 2 months old. My mom hard core guilted me into coming so everyone could see the baby.
I spent the whole time in a bathroom or quiet space with the baby. No one really saw me or the baby, and it mostly didn’t matter. They all saw him at Christmas (granted he was 8 months old by Christmas, but that’s still seeing him as a baby). The wedding sucked for my husband and I. We rode the hour in the car with my parents and sister and brother in law. So it wasn’t a great experience for any of them either. By Christmas the entire family was in agreement that it would have been best if my husband, baby, and I had stayed home.
People get excited to have family all together, especially when there are little kids. But no matter how hard people work to make it okay, it’s really hard to do things with babies and toddlers (including staying home by yourself with them while your spouse goes somewhere for the day).
YWBTA- there’s no good reason you can’t celebrate your nephew. Sorry. You should go and be a good uncle.
RSVP that you can’t make it. And send a card with money. Simple as that.
Oh no. You’ll miss a party for (checks list) a thing most people achieve. I know people who graduated HS and are totally illiterate. It’s not that big of a deal. Time to let your balls drop and defend your wife. Tell them in no uncertain terms to get fukd. Be a man FFS
Meh either way but two hours isn’t really that far/long.
I agree with the general consensus of NTA…
BUT with that being said, I think it’s important to acknowledge that (to a reasonable extent) it’s fair that family will be bummed if you miss certain events like a graduation. That’s not to say that it’s not justified but some milestones have heightened emotions tied to them.
Your reasoning seems very sound, but it may take a moment for your family to get over it. It sounds like your relationship with them isn’t the best/they can be quick to blame so that may exacerbate it but ultimately you have other responsibilities. Good for you for honoring them.
And at the end of the day, it’s about celebrating your nephew. I’d bet he’d be super pumped for the tickets and as a result won’t lose sleep over your absence.
Talk with your nephew without interference from his mum. Explain the situation but offer to do something awesome with him after he moves.
Your wife, your children, and You, are YOUR FAMILY that you must TeamWork-With Respect Love Build DEFEND
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Block These___
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& Your Life Matters Too
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Hopefully soon everything changes and is much DIFFERENT and BETTER ☁️🌥️🌱🥀
Send a card and a gift.
NTA. An invitation to a party is an INVITATION, not a summons. Send a gift along with your regrets. No big drama need be entertained.
What bothers me about the whole thing is that your parents and golden child sister don’t seem to care one iota about your kids, their grandchildren. I’d tell them you won’t be coming because you are going to take care of your wife and your own ‘golden children.’ Updateme