I’ve been really stressed about my friend’s upcoming wedding and I’m not sure how to move forward. I’m from the Northeast, and she’s having her wedding in the South, where she lives now. So for me, it’s a destination wedding. She asked me to be in the bridal party and also planned her bachelorette in another out of state location- also a destination.
For context: I recently left my job because my fiancé is in the Army and we’re being relocated to a new state. I’ve been budgeting carefully, especially with another best friend getting married in September. I saved about $1,000 for this wedding, but my friend tends to have expensive taste, and the costs have gone way over budget.
The bachelorette trip was planned at a high-end hotel in a major city. The cheapest flight I could find was $500, and the hotel alone was close to $400—not including food, drinks, or other expenses. A few of the bridesmaids dropped out, so the cost per person went up. I had originally agreed to go, so she booked the room and put down a deposit.
Then I found out her rehearsal dinner for her wedding is scheduled for Thursday morning, and the wedding is Friday night—meaning I had to fly in on Wednesday instead of Thursday. She also chose an expensive hotel about 30 minutes from the venue and insisted the bridal party stay there. That hotel cost me around $800 total. I had to rebook my flights to make the earlier arrival work, and I couldn’t get a refund on the original ticket.
To make things more stressful, my fiancé’s assignment timeline was moved up unexpectedly, so I’ll be moving almost immediately after returning from the bachelorette. He had also been deployed for the past few months, so I was paying for things in my own. Between being unemployed living alone and relocating, I realized I couldn’t handle everything at once. I told her I needed to back out of the bachelorette trip-explaining that it was both financial and circumstantial-and offered to still pay my share of the hotel so the other girls weren’t left covering it.
At first, she seemed understanding. But now I’m getting really weird vibes. I sent her $400 toward the hotel yesterday, and she immediately replied asking for the remaining $40 (I hadn’t realized it was $440 total). This felt off, especially since she knows I’m in a tough spot financially right now. I responded kindly, asking how she was doing- and she’s been ignoring me ever since (over 24 hours now), but responding in the bridal party gc.
To make things worse, one of the other girls told me she had been talking about how I “bailed” and was airing out my financial situation. I’m a private person, and it feels really uncomfortable to know that’s being shared around.
Now I’m feeling conflicted about standing in the wedding at all. I still care about her and want to support her, but I also feel hurt and unsure of where we stand. I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive or if this is a red flag.
What would you do in this situation?
Comments
Don’t go into debt over someone else’s wedding.
I would not stay in such an expensive hotel, renting an AirBNB would be so much cheaper and you could also make your own food.
I’m having stress over here thinking about your situation. You’re NOT in the wrong. You tried so hard to be there for her, it’s fine. If she can’t understand your situation then she isn’t the friend whose bridesmaid you would want to be anyway.
She’s talking crap about you to other people. You’re in over a grand already, and she’s shit talking you and sharing your private biz? That needs to be a convo.
Before the convo, I’d ask myself: would she go into debt, cause herself stress, light herself basically on fire for you? Can you list 5 times you’ve gone above and beyond for her? Can you name even a semi-equal number of times she’s shown up for you? Friendships aren’t always tit for tat, but they shouldn’t be woefully one-sided. Really evaluate your friendship and decide if she’s worth turning yourself inside out for?
Maybe this is all wedding issues, and she’s venting. Maybe she shows up elsewhere for you, and she usually builds you up and therefore deserves a seat at your table. If all you’re doing is serving at her table and grateful for what she throws to you, it’s time to let her go.
If you’re going to stay in the party, I’d have the convo. “Hey, it’s gotten back to me that you’ve been sharing my financials and private concerns with the wedding party. Im really uncomfortable, and I’d ask that you please not. My life has changed drastically, but I’m showing up in every way I can, to the best of my ability. If I’m causing you stress, or my showing up as I’m able isn’t leaving you feeling supported, I’m happy to discuss that. I do expect that conversation to happen here, with us, the only two people who can actually work together to ensure we both feel supported. This is an incredibly special time for you. I’m thrilled for you and excited to celebrate you. It’s also a stressful time for me in my personal life, and I need my friend to be able to empathize with that too.”
Her response will tell you all you need to know.
Just tell your friend you will make it to their next wedding, if its closer and not expensive as hell. Not saying they aren’t going to last forever, just saying that statistically the odds are better at making it to wedding #2.
A true friend wouldn’t want you to struggle financially for her sake, nor would she make you feel guilty for not being able to participate in every activity—especially if she didn’t consider how the costs would affect each member of the bridal party. While she may be under a lot of pressure, that doesn’t excuse a lack of empathy toward someone who is genuinely trying to show up for her.
I’d suggest having an open conversation with her to understand her perspective and express your concerns. Let her know that the expenses don’t align with your budget and that, despite your best efforts, you feel she isn’t being understanding of your situation. This is especially important if she has shared details of your financial situation with others. Honest communication might help clear the air and lead to a better understanding between you both. If during that conversation she doesn’t recognize the value of your efforts, maybe it’s time to reconsider your friendship