Today took the cake.
She attacked me by saying “did your mother not teach you about culture” but in the most caring tone… as if i need to be taught.. as if shes the pseudo-mum… because we dont go to church on Sundays.
I said “yes she did but we (partner, me, and baby) dont go”.
My partner said “upto us what we do on sunday”. P.S. he also grew up with church but chooses not to go. So maybe she uses me to make him feel bad for not continuing traditions she set but he doesn’t pick up the seed shes trying to plant, whereas i get burned. You know what i mean?
But here’s the thing. My mum is dead. I didnt realise how bad i felt hours after we came home. I thought we had a good day but she has really triggered me.
I am missing my mum and im remembering that she loved going to church but i hated it and its upto me and my partner how we raise our family. Maybe church will be part of our life in the future or maybe it won’t be or maybe our daughter will decide for herself.
How dare MIL try to make me feel bad by making it sound like my mum didnt do good job or im a bad mum for not doing church. Ugh
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Your mom did a great job.
Your MIL needs to learn that if she can’t say something nice she shouldn’t say anything.
In a sweet and gentle tone, to MIL: “Did your mother not teach you about manners? Did she not teach you that other people are entitled to make their own choices about their OWN families, including choices about spiritual matters?” Then give her an Emily Post book for her birthday with every nasty thing she does already marked with a higlighter pen. Tell her, in the same concerned tone, that you’re trying to help her stop embarrassing herself.
Edited for punctuation.
First of all, whether or not you go to church is none of MILs concern. She’s just mad that your family is choosing something different from her choices. Also, culture has nothing to do with why you choose to go to church. Anyway, my MIL went bat xxx crazy trying to get my children baptized. Even calling my mom to pull her into some scheme about taking 15 minutes with my mom’s pastor and doing it without us since it is a “family tradition”. My mom is deeply religious, and she was like, that’s not how any of this works 😂 Needless to say, it has nothing to do with you, your family, or church. She just wants control and an opinion that matters. You do you. Your family is your business, not hers. You definitely shouldn’t feel bad about that and I’m sorry you do.
If your choice to skip church on Sundays means your mom didn’t teach you about culture, ask her what she taught her son who also chooses not to attend. Good grief, she’s sanctimonious. It’s really not a good look.
It is very obvious from her comment that going to church does not make one a good person.
I’m sorry that she triggered you. I’m assuming she knows your mom has passed, which makes her comment extra cruel. I hope you can take time for some extra self care 💓
“You raised your son and he doesn’t want to go either!”
My mom died in 2017 and was not only an incredible mom but also my best friend. I can easily imagine the mix of emotions roiling in your gut and chest. For me, speaking ill about my mom would be a hard boundary with swift, harsh consequences to future contact. Even if the person were to sincerely apologize, they would be on probation for an extended period of time where they’d better mind their p’s and q’s. It’s OK to draw a HARD line on this and fully expect your MIL to mind her behavior in the future. You should never have to hear one cross word about your mom, especially by someone who consistently does a worse job than she did.