My life now is practically a 180 degree turn from what it used to be even as far as 3, ,4, or even as recent as 5 years ago.
I’m 24, male, trying to navigate my life time after time. This won’t be me complaining about how hard my life is or anything, but rather putting my self out there to learn from people who have been in similar situations.
Like I said, I’m in my mid 20s, I’ve been in a pretty healthy relationship with a great woman who’s treated me better by leaps and bounds compared to others. I’m medically discharged from the army with multiple heart diseases amongst other problems. So I’m getting paid to go to school by the VA for a nursing degree, and things are fairly smooth.
I think what I’m saying is that my days are productive and seem to weigh in my favor. But my nights are what have bothered me so. I’m writing this at 4:15 in the morning because I got out of bed to not wake my girlfriend. I’m sitting on my balcony and I feel heavy.
I am a domestic abuse victim and lived being hurt for almost 14 years every day. My girlfriend knows even the worst parts of me, and vice versa. But I don’t feel like I can really tell anyone how I feel 99% of the time. Or rather, I feel as though it’s irrelevant to bring up despite the golf ball swelling in my throat. I have nightmares more oft than not, and I just keep going to sleep later and later. I have forgiven the person who did it to me, but I can’t forget the blood and rage and fist flying at me. I can’t forget the gun held to my head at 11 years old.
I bring this up because I’m being as strong as I can be and doing well at it. But in my alone time it stagnates in my mind and I think she’s catching on that I’m even messier than she thought. She still shows me how much she loves me, and I love her more than anything. I don’t want her to be affected by my rigid past.
I often wonder how I’ll look to my children when they come around.
Comments
> But I don’t feel like I can really tell anyone how I feel 99% of the time. Or rather, I feel as though it’s irrelevant to bring up
It’s not irrelevant. A deeply fucked up thing happened to you, and it’s going to affect you. For what little it’s worth, I’m sorry that happened to you. And I’m really glad to hear that you’ve got things going for you as well!
You need to go to therapy to process all of this. It’s likely coming out in ways you don’t yet understand or see. And yes, it’s worth spending a long time working on it before you have kids. The things that happened as we were kids also affect the way we parent.
Regardless, sounds like you’ve been strong as fuck. Good on you for that. Getting support is part of being strong.
I haven’t gone through that much trouble as a child but I had a fairly rocky childhood. It wasn’t the worst but it was far from “normal”.
I’m 27, I have a 2 year old and another baby due next month with my high school sweetheart. We are great, I can put into words how happy I am with my little family.
I got a promotion at work to a high stress position with no training, and in day 3 the expectation was for me to glowing smoothly. This pushed me over the edge and I went to therapy.
Been in therapy a little over a year and a half, and it’s been great. I’ve learned a lot about myself, healed a lot, and become a better person. I’m far from complete or done with therapy but if you’re truly at a point where something has to change, I recommend it.
Therapy for me was not easy, it took work, attention to things I typically ignored, etc. I had to learn who I was without trauma, but it has made a substantial difference in my day to day life. If you’re willing to do the work, you’ll see the results. Other people go to check the box and say they went, and those people don’t get anything out of it
It sounds like you have a lot going for you, and things seem to be going well, congratulations on that. It’s not easy
You can do it. You just need support. You didn’t get fucked up on your own, and you can’t get un-fucked up on your own.
>I feel as though it’s irrelevant to bring up
Been there. Totally understand that feeling. You’re wrong. It is relevant because:
>it stagnates in my mind
Think of the word you used there. Stagnates. No flow. No movement. Stuck. Clogged. Thoughts move when communicated, so fucking communicate. Find a therapist. Get them to help you with that golf ball. Really, there are things that help! It fucking works, I promise you.
>I don’t want her to be affected by my rigid past.
She already is affected. Just like you will be (or are) affected by her past. And that is not a bad thing. I’ve been around a bit, and one thing I’ve learned is that everybody has their shit. Everybody. There’s worse shit, heavier shit, deeper shit…but we all have our shit, which means we can all relate. Living through that shit together can truly build a strong relationship.
>I often wonder how I’ll look to my children when they come around.
And the fact that you’re worried about that is such a good fucking sign, man. Please understand that just having that thought puts you in the better half of parents in this world. Just the thought. Just having that worry.
You can do it.
Sounds like you got PTSD from a traumatic childhood you should think about therapy to let all that deep seated rage and hurt you experienced as a child out to a professional therapist the part about having a gun held to your head at 11 years old is especially troublesome. What’s with the golf ball size swelling in your throat? Do you think that’s related to the abuse or something different like a tumor or something?