What triggered this was meeting someone.
I haven’t been doing great the past few years anyway, but I was at least working out, showering, wasting time in a slightly more productive way and occasionally having nervous breakdowns.
But he triggered something for whatever reason. It’s extremely silly, nothing extraordinary has happened, I simply find him attractive and he reminds me of a couple guys I was fond of years ago. This has happened other times but I never had this sort of meltdown bc of such a normal thing.
It could be because I don’t have my shit together and feel like trash and know perfectly well that I would never look good in his eyes, but that hasn’t stopped me in the past …..
Now, I feel extremely weak and I don’t know what to do. I don’t care about anything anymore, not even my dog which low key breaks my heart and makes me angry but in a really hushed way… When thinking about how numb I feel even about my dog I feel like I need to scream but too weak to be able to.
It’s been really bad, can’t pick myself up. I just feel tension all over my body and it almost hurts, but not really. Numb, tired, tense, silently angry, unable of reacting in any way.
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can’t even cry
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I lay wishing I could soak in water or feel the sun on my skin and just keep getting flashbacks of a few years ago, the summer before I went to university. That period is the only thing that makes me tear up a lil bit, but even then I was extremely sad. I had constant anxiety and felt short of breath, I was on vacation and would just look around as if my whole life had passed me by. I went to study to a city that sort of gave me consolation.
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there was a moment when I was with him, I saw some blood and for a second I wished he could “take me away”, sort of a desire to be accompanied by someone you enjoy
Comments
Make a todo list and do at least one thing a day off of it.
I was a bit confused by your second paragraph. It sounded like he triggered memories of being abused or rejected by past guys you were fond of. Third paragraph sounds like you want to possibly date him but don’t feel good enough for him. Did you ever get his number? Or maybe you feel bad because you didn’t? This sounds a lot like pining behavior. Is he local? How much do you know about him? Is there a chance you could run into him again? If you do, start by exchanging contact info and see how that feels. Good luck!
Have you considered going to a mental hospital? This sounds extreme, but you’re having a mental health crisis and I think a good hospital would be good for you. Just do a bit of research on the hospital you go to if you choose to do so. If not try seeing a psychiatrist remotely. They can prescribe antidepressants which it sounds like you need right now.
im not good at advice but if you want i’ve been looking for a new roblox/minecraft buddy :3
when i’m feeling down/paralysed (needing to do a lot but can’t do anything), i like a good distraction to slowly get my mind off things and make me feel better
maybe it could help
I don’t see a question in the post, but I think you just need to focus on self-improvement and getting some clarity to your thoughts at the moment.
Going to the park, or the beach, journaling, or just people watching, or just breathing. If you make this a daily habit you will start to see results.
Sometimes the allure of a new person in our lives can make us start behaving in irrational ways, especially if this person reminds you of people in your past.
Be kind to yourself, and do the best you can do each and every day. Some days, the most you can do is throw yourself in the shower, and lay down the whole day, if that was your honest best? Good job you put in your all. Other days you may surprise yourself how much you can do, leaving your home, getting groceries, making a meal. Then after you make a great meal you gain some confidence and even feel the desire to get out and may even talk to others. Maybe you have a conversation and it doesn’t go well. No need to beat yourself up, because you just did the best you could do.
The book “The four agreements” is really good and talks about this. If you like poetry, your post also reminds me of “Depression and other magic tricks” by Sabrina B.
I wouldn’t rush into a relationship with this guy because you may experience even more intense feelings like you already are, but that’s just my opinion on the matter.
For a relationship or even a friendship we need to have “liquid” in our emotional cup, and it sounds like you are nearing empty. That is okay, I would say just focus on refilling your own cup first.
I wish you the best of luck, take care of yourself.