My partner (M41) and I (F38) are on vacation with his parents, John and Joan (M74 & F66), and his daughter, Claire (F10), in a house in the middle of nowhere. I’ve been around his parents some other times and saw them fighting. I thought it was funny at first cause it was small, even stupid things like them disagreeing on something or him talking over her. I already knew that Joan complains A LOT about lots of things. And that, I said to my partner it’s unpleasant, but bearable as long as we don’t see them often…
The thing is that now that I’ve gotten to see them non-stop and do everything with them, their fights aren’t cute anymore. They raise their voice and insult each other, they feel comfortable fighting in front of us. Say John wants to have a piece of cake quietly, and Joan starts calling him fat and ugly (amongst other things). Or John’s there, just standing up, minding his own business, and Joan starts calling him old and ugly. At first, he says nothing back, but she keeps pushing and he starts insulting her back, as to defend himself, or he drops anything he was doing and walks away.
His daughter lives with his mother because I’m disabled, and he’s unable to take her to school because of his job schedule. So, she spends almost all her time with Joan. I see Joan encouraging Claire to do things with her, even going together to use the toilet. Then, Joan gets angry and tells Claire she’s annoying and exhausting, to give her a break because she gets no time on her own… Also, kid gets laughed at (as a “joke”) and told off for no valid reason or “being too much” just after getting hugs, kisses, and love from Joan.
Joan’s not always bad, when she’s not fighting/complaining, she’s nice and kind to me.
My parents were like that, only worse cause they would yell at each other, get violent, even involving my and my siblings in their fights. I’ve been to therapy. I decided to keep a healthy distance from my family. Yet, I came here and found the same family system. Less violent, still the same nonetheless. I’m a scapegoat in my family system, so I unfortunately see the way things are: in all this, my partner enables his mom.
It’s not my place to diagnose anyone (being to therapy makes NO ONE a psychologist) or to say anything about how Claire is being raised. I won’t. I guess I needed to vent about this. Also, I’m a bit anxious about John and Joan staying at home with us because their apartment is getting renovated. I feel like I’m 8 years old and I’m witnessing my parents’ screaming matches all over again. Can I tell my partner I prefer not going on holidays with his parents ever again? Is it even fair that I say anything? Should I just calm down and suck it up? Am I exaggerating?
Comments
You’re definitely not exaggerating. It’s totally okay to tell your partner how hard this is for you and that you don’t want to do holidays like this again. Your feelings matter, especially if it’s bringing up old trauma. You’re not asking for much, just respect and space to protect your mental health. Your partner should understand that.
This situation is painfully familiar, you escaped your family’s chaos only to land in a milder version of the same dysfunction. Your discomfort isn’t overreacting; it’s your hard-earned survival instincts screaming that this environment is unhealthy. Tell your partner, His response will show whether he’s ready to prioritize your peace or keep enabling the cycle. For now, survive this trip, but start planning clear boundaries. you’ve worked too hard to be dragged back into this toxicity.
Dude, u ain’t exaggerating at all. Toxic is toxic, doesn’t matter if it’s a smidge or a dump truck. Ur wellbeing matters and it ain’t being a drama queen to want peace. Ya gotta talk to ur partner, give him the real-deal lowdown on how his folks are messing with ur mental health. Set boundaries, mate – don’t have to be mean, but be firm. He’s gotta respect ur feels on this. Good luck out there! 💪🔥
Sorry, this is going to be a little blunt, but who cares how you are feeling about it or how it affects you? The concern here from you and your partner should be 100% for Claire who is being raised by a mean, demeaning, boundary challenged nut case. Because school dropoff is inconvenient? Please. There are lots of ways to get a kid to school and also lots of schools. She’d be safer and happier in boarding school! Why is your partner shirking his responsibility to provide a safe and loving environment for HIS CHILD and why are you ok with him doing it? Going on vacation and seeing all this and then letting Claire return home with these 2 is unconscionable, selfish, and frankly evil. Someone needs to step up for this poor child.
Yo, honestly? It sounds like a toxic cycle you gotta escape from ASAP. You’re not overreacting, it’s straight up messed up. You gotta look out for your mental health, fam. Don’t let history repeat itself. Sure, it’ll be uncomfortable to say but it’s gotta be said. Your partner needs to know how you feel. Maybe suggest separate holidays in future or limit the time spent together to something more manageable. You’ve done the therapy thing, you know the score. Tune out the BS and put yourself first, mate.
Vacations aren’t supposed to feel like trauma flashbacks. Just tell him being around them is draining for you and you’d rather skip future trips. That’s not petty, that’s boundaries.