My MIL is an awful woman manipulative, untrustworthy, conniving, selfish. I do not like her at all, and I have had peace in my life when I cut her off. If it were up to me, I would cut her off forever. However, my husband is an amazing, sweet man, and for his sake, I’m thinking about making peace with her. After all, she is his mom who gave birth to him, and no matter how horrible I believe she is, to him, she’s still mom. If I were never with my husband, he’d probably be talking to her every day. Now he doesn’t talk to her as much, and I don’t want to feel like, because of me, he never talks to his mom.
MIL and SIL have both done me dirty. The only one I like is FIL because he’s smart and a caring dad. However, when MIL started her drama with me, FIL was out of the country taking care of his elderly parents. He was gone for a while and had no idea about the fight that was going on. They kept him in the dark until one day he came back, and MIL showed up at my house knowing I had cut her off but using FIL as a way to see me. I didn’t let her see me, and FIL kept asking where I was. My husband had to let him know there had been a fight between me, MIL, and SIL. FIL was shocked, embarrassed, and disappointed at them for fighting with me. He told them they were wrong in this situation and basically said they probably scared me off, which is why I wasn’t answering anyone. He told them they needed to apologize to me.
Now they’re all trying to reach me to apologize. At first, I wasn’t planning to deal with them since they’ve apologized in the past and continued to hurt me, but after months, I decided I’d hear what they have to say. When I told my husband, his face lit up — he seemed happy, and that’s when I knew no matter how much he has my back, he wants me and his family to be cool.
I told him I’m just doing this for him, and it’s not truly what I want. He told me that if I’m going to do it, it needs to be for me. I told him if it were for me, I’d rather not even have them in my life, to be honest, but I’m just trying to make peace for him.
He said i needs to let them know how they hurt him and that moving forward, i won’t accept that behavior. I said no I’m not having that kind of conversation with them because it causes me stress. I think he wants us to have a real relationship again, but I don’t think he understands that we will never have a truly close relationship. Wasting my breath is a waste. I’ll never trust them again. I’m just trying to be civil and hear what they have to say I don’t plan to have any further conversations beyond that.
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Forced apology= NO apology.
We all know this. YOU know this.
Basically your DH is a cake eater.
You are contemplating going back into a toxic situation and expecting change and that everyone shares the goal of civility. Your DH is completely in the fog about the situation and his expectations are unfair. I wouldn’t break your NC/LC. That almost always goes poorly and the abuse ramps up again. They learned how to trigger you.
What does “making peace with them” even mean? Letting them abuse you again? What is peaceful about that?
There’s a very, very slight chance that they are actually sorry and committed to changing. You could consider giving them another chance, if only so that if they act like monsters again then maybe your husband will finally see the problem and be on exactly the same page as you.
Man, I hear ya loud and clear. 👂 It’s tricky when fam stuff gets twisted. Props to you though for considering your man’s feelings. IMHO, u don’t owe ’em anything, but being civil might grease the gears a bit. Your hubs sounds like a stand-up guy, wanting peace, but remember, your emotional health is v. important too. If their sry’s are legit, cool beans. If not, peace out girl scout. You do you. 💪🏻💖 Peace. ✌🏻
No one is going to get a 100% what they want out of this situation so why even put yourself through it? Your MIL wants access to you to abuse you again but you wont ever let her get close enough so shes not going to get what she wants. You’ll be doing this for your DH but you don’t want to so it’s going to suck. So your not getting what you want. It will always be a surface level relationship it can not be more because she is not capable of it. And apparently your DH doesn’t get what he wants.
You need to make it clear to DH it will never be deep meaningful relationship. She is not capable of it. He needs to understand that. He’s putting the onus of it working on you when she’s the problem. You could also tell him, sure I’ll be around but she;s steps out of line I’ll deal with it but you may not like how I do it. Or Im just going to pretend she’s furniture and just straight up ignore her. But I ask why your even entertaining this? Isnt your peace worth protecting?
I think I’d rather be dragged naked over a field of broken glass, but if you have decided to do this, you need to make clear to your SO that it s up to him to handle his mother. She is his responsibility, not yours. That you are willing to be civil, but if she starts something, all bets are off. And there will be no interaction without him present. She and SIL remain blocked on your phone, email, socials. All communication outside visits go thru him. She has one last chance. She slips up again, and you’re done.
My mother in law is not my wife’s problem. She is our problem. We love her and we have a great relationship.
If or when you are on a situation where MIL becomes your husband’s problem….its a problem. And HE needs to step up and recognize that this isn’t about mending fences…it’s SO much bigger than that and if he’s not seeing that, he’s a big part of the problem.
You aren’t going to GET to be cool with a family that has some kind of twisted idea of what the dynamic between the MIL and SIL and their son or brother should be at this stage when he has a wife, especially when they’re not treating anybody with respect.
The “MIL as the villain” is not crazy unheard of, but it is by no means necessary, acceptable, or even normal. When his family is like that, it’s clearly and obviously immaturity, entitlement, or irrational insecurity. The fact that you can have a decent relationship with the father-in-law, and he feels that the other two are a problem, should be enough indication for the dear husband to step up and fix things, not sweep them under the rug and hope that tensions will just simmer under the surface.
Apology is not enough, and until your husband gets them to see how shitty they actually are, I’m not sure being civil is enough either.
Why don’t you tell DH that, before you’re even prepared to entertain a conversation with his mother and SIL, you want his dad to come over first for a coffee and a sit down chat and tell him all the above. Having a third party there who knows MIL very well may make you feel like you have more people in your corner and may help your husband realise that it’s not exactly a reasonable request to expect you to have a relationship with them. I would list off your grievances and say that MIL has been burning bridges with you for a long time but, with this argument, she has taken an atomic bomb to the bridge so you feel there’s no possibility of a relationship now.
You’re doing this for your husband’s sake, but it’s clear you’re not invested in rebuilding a genuine relationship with your MIL. Be clear about your boundaries and don’t let her manipulate you again.
It sounds like you’ve found a balanced approach: staying civil for your husband’s sake while keeping your emotional distance. You don’t have to trust them or rebuild a close relationship, just acknowledge their apology politely and set clear boundaries. That way, you protect your peace without causing tension for your husband.
I think you need to pump the brakes. You say how “she is his mom who gave birth to him” but that doesn’t entitle her to treat you horribly. If your husband was such an amazing, sweet man he would understand you not being around people who are so horrible to you and would care about your mental well being to not being abused vs. you rug sweeping to play a fake happy family. Sometimes things are not forgivable
wait a second. “He told me that if I’m going to do it, it needs to be for me.”
Why aren’t you listening to him! This isn’t about him pushing. This isn’t about you doing this for him. This is about you not listening to him and deciding that you know best – that you are going to sacrifice yourself and have this conversation for “peace” even though you know it is a terrible idea! Why? Seriously why?
What are you trying to prove? That you’re the better person?
Stop. Listen to what your husband is telling you. Remember that your happiness, your mental health, and your marriage are YOUR responsibility. Why would you knowingly do something to put those things at risk?