TW: Self Harm Mentions and ED Mentions
I (17F) am 5’1 and 220 lbs. I am fat.
I live with my mom, aunt, uncle, and cousin (26F). My cousin recently received a gastric bypass surgery and has lost over 100 lbs. She used to be close to 400 lbs and is 5’9. She is now 260. Only 40 pounds heavier than me. I have to face her everyday and I can’t help but compare my body to hers.
My mom is a single mother and wouldn’t be able to afford the surgery for me; we can’t even afford a monthly gym membership. I’m scared for how expensive dieting will be. She wants to start eating healthier with me and working out together, which I want and I desire for myself, but I’m scared.
I have been disappointed by my efforts for weight loss multiple times; each of which failing and making me more depressed than before. I have chronic depression, a chemical imbalance, which only worsens with the fact that I’m an overweight fuck. I hate my body. I’ve cut myself, I’ve deprived myself of food, I’ve smoked. I tell myself there is no hope, so why bother to take care of myself.
I want to be skinny, but I’m also honest with myself, and I’m not sure I’m willing to do what it takes. Being fat is a choice, and unfortunately it feels like my only one. I’m lazy, depressed, and have no hope. I go to a school where for one fat person, there are fifty skinny ones. I think about how much work it takes to wake up and cry thinking about how hard it will be for me to make healthy choices. I can’t even bring myself to brush my teeth for fucks sake. It’s a miracle I go to school.
Being fat is so dehumanizing, you know that everyone notices your weight. When you walk in the school halls, you’re uncomfortably aware of your size and how you look walking. When you sit and feel your shirt tighten around your back, you want to rip it off. When you see your stretch marks in the mirror, you begin to notice what is happening to your body. When you sit to eat, you start to believe that every whisper is about you. When you look down and see your reflection in your phone, you can only notice your double chin and fear if others did too. It feels as though every thing you do is big when you’re fat.
I’ve been called fat and bullied my entire life. Just today someone made a comment about my diet and my weight. People who don’t know you always feel so confident in themselves to say something about your issue. If you haven’t been fat, or have never been fat, I don’t want your opinion. I know these things about myself. I don’t want to be the fat one. It’s so cruel and disgusting. You’d think with all of this I’d have the urge to do something about myself, but the only urges I have are to lay in bed and rot. I’m hopeless. I wouldn’t wish fatness on my worst enemy.
Being fat is humiliating.
Comments
Based on what you’re saying, if you woke up tomorrow skinny you would find that you’d still be just as miserable and self-conscious as you are now. You have some mental health issues that are stopping you from doing the things you need to do to be happy, whatever that looks like and whatever those things are.
ur worth isnt defined by your weight or physical attraction, it must be a extremely difficult situation for you and its okay to have setbacks. your feelings are completely valid and taking small steps to self care, even if they take a long time they will make a big change over time. talk to someone about how you feel and you are more than the way you look on the outside, you are not alone in any sort of problems you face 😸
Its meant to feel this way. All change hurts, think of it like teeth growing in. It doesnt mean its a bad thing.
It just means something is changing.
Don’t eat after the sun goes down. Once you can do that, you can take it a step further and skip sugary drinks. If you want to skip a bunch of steps, skipping meals makes it melt off. But never eat after dark as it messes with your metabolism, even if it’s healthy or a sweetened drink by itself.
A healthy lifestyle costs nothing.
Some therapy, diet and exercizing are needed. Your primary issue is not your size, though. It’s the misery that is gnawing inside you. Your obesity is nothing short but a manifest symptom and a “family curse” of sorts. Not the disease.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s really hard to find contentment when your own body feels so unwelcoming to you as a home. I honestly don’t blame you for having a hard time with the rotting in bed thing. It’s a vicious cycle and ironically cruel that the only way out of mental ruts is the stuff you can barely do because of said mental rut.
Maybe it could help to look for a type of exercise you enjoy. It’s a lot more difficult to stay consistent with movement when it feels 100% like an unpleasant chore. My friend struggles with her weight too (thyroid issues) and has had a really hard time with consistent exercise because she fucking hates the gym. But then she found “dance along” YouTube workout videos and has been using them a lot more than their gym membership. I get why, I’ve used Just Dance YouTube videos to work out before and it’s super fun. Maybe you’ll find you like strength stuff, or seated/laying down workouts when you really can’t leave bed, or stretching stuff like yoga or tai chi. Heck, even just starting with walking listening to a podcast or YouTube video you like for the fuck of it.
Baby steps are ok too, even if you aren’t keeping a perfect workout streak or aren’t doing super intense exercise. I hope things will get better for you <3
Just chiming in so that you know that your words are being heard. I wish I could give you a hug. This is really hard and you are so young.
I hope at some point in your life you are able to feel and know just how perfect and beautiful your essence is. You’re not your body. You’re a much more magnificent bright being than just a body.
But for now, I know you’re struggling with your body and that is very real and very difficult. Sending you much love from this Internet stranger, and much strength as you navigate your path.
I was fat my entire life. In fact I’m still fat. I was 800 pounds and I’ve lost 525. I am 270 pounds now and more beautiful than I was before. I’ve always been confident I’ve always been a leader and I’ve always had many friends. Some of my best boyfriends were when I was at my heaviest. It’s a mindset. Sounds like you have some mental health issues that you need to deal with I think are distracting you from doing what you need to do. I have been sad. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been in bed. I’ve never been to your extreme because I was always able to pull myself up for my bootstrapsand get the job done being overweight and losing weight and keeping it off. Will be a lifelong journey I think that it would be wise for you to see some counselors to help you with what’s going on inside once you love yourself the changes will happen overnight.
Being fat is not (only) a choice. There are so many genetic issues at play, too, and personal and societal opportunities and resources. Don’t blame yourself!
You will be surprised by how empowering it is when you start to control your portions, the food you put in your mouth and force yourself to exercise every day. It’s hard to get that motivation but if you make yourself do it anyway, eventually it becomes a habit and it is so empowering.