please don’t share anywhere
i urge you to read my last post “was i justified in going NC” for some very important context to get a feel of the pattern of their behavior and how they’ve already responded to us before.
but TL;DR for my last post: they made me feel like an incubator, boundary stomped, made nasty uncomfortable comments my first few months PP. when confronted about it, they completely flipped out, flipped it onto us, called us sensitive, hurtful, insulting, crazy, and played the victim, you know the drill. we were so shocked and traumatized by it we brushed it under the rug (horrible idea) and tried to move on but visits remained uncomfortable and we backed off after a couple months and told them we were taking space until they can reflect and apologize. they did not respond to that well
i wanted it to be NC but unfortunately we didn’t take it that far and i’d say it has been LC since they still text DH and i but i don’t respond. they have not respected our space in the slightest. since telling them we want space, we have been called sinners and disrespectful for “demanding” the people who raised him (my DH) to self reflect. they played the victim to everyone in their extended family and they never seemed to have any intention to actually apologize one day. here’s my biggest issue now: they’re guilt tripping us so hard that i’m honestly starting to feel guilty and i need some sense knocked back into me. or if im being too harsh you can let me know that too
i will admit this was very unfortunate timing because a few months before we said we wanted space, MILs very close family member started having health issues. i don’t want to get specific about any of that to not out myself and out of respect. however, family member started having health issues after our initial conversation with MIL and FIL about how they hurt us. so we didn’t bring any of this up after she started having health problems. it was already an issue beforehand. this entire time it’s been used against us “people are getting old, people are dying, don’t take too long because you never know when’s the last moment you will get with someone” they will text DH about random things (he usually doesn’t respond) with no issue, but when they give an update about the family member, they say “i know you don’t want to talk to me but can i at least update you about ___s health?” like, now all the sudden you feel like you need to ask permission to make my DH seem like he’s such an evil son you can’t even tell him about the health of someone he cares about?
DH has responded back every time about said family members health because he does care. he asks for updates, says they’re in our thoughts in prayers, and genuinely cares and they know that. the family member lives out of state so he cannot visit them.
FIL reached out after 4 months and wanted to apologize to DH, so they met in person and he kind of apologized? he started it off with “when can we talk about when you’re going to unground us”. eye rollllll. i personally don’t think it could have been genuine but DH says it was a step forward. he gave the excuse that they’re very stressed with the family members health many times and that’s why they reacted poorly to things. THEN, DH told him i need an apology from the both of them and that i’d prefer a phone call because i do not care to put myself in another uncomfortable situation with them face to face. i want the phone call to see if it’s genuine, if not they wil not see me or my son. simple as that. they rejected this and said they prefer to see me in person to be able to read my facial expressions (hmmm.. to see if your manipulation is working on me?) i knew that it took everything out of FIL to play pretend and act like he cares when “apologizing” to DH. and i knew that DH saying i want one as well would make them go right back to the same old same old. MIL also seems to think she doesn’t have to do any apologizing to anyone, not me nor her son. which bothers me because he has made it clear so many times it was BOTH OF THEM
DH said no, a phone call is what she’s comfortable with. we then received a text from MIL saying along the lines of this “ after much prayer we decided we need to see you in person to finish the conversation” note how they don’t mention anything about an apology, and they just assume it’ll all be fine and over with afterwards. “let’s move on. (family member with the health problems) ___ is going to need all of us. we need to be together.” the family member does not live in our state!!“when you’re ready for that let us know. i hope it’s sooner rather than later. too much time has been wasted already.”
i’m pissed about this text. i go back and forth from saying i never want to see them again because they’re clearly weaponizing family members health against us and using it to manipulate us and it feels so unfair and wrong. but then i genuinely start to feel like “dang, should i just suck it up since they’re going through a tough time? am i doing too much?” i want to tell them to please stop using it against us BECAUSE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS SITUATION. we already had issues before any of it. i really don’t know what our next step should be. i don’t know if we should even bring up how they’re trying to guilt and manipulate us or if that will hurt them and make us the villains even more. these people are so extremely difficult to work with. we haven’t responded yet and i need advice.
have i mentioned MIL has called my own mother multiple times crying to her about me? and when my mom finally said she’s not comfortable listening to this anymore and that they need to work it out with us, MIL responded back with “well we have never experience pain like this before”. MIL has since been blocked, but before i blocked her she would repost a facebook post everyday that had something to do with going through tough battles, the importance of forgiveness and being kind, etc. complete victim bullshit. they have made themselves the victims so hard in this situation it’s making me question reality.
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Have your husband set up a WhatsApp group for members of his family to provide health updates about the sick family member. Call it something like the Susan’s Family Group. This way, whoever is the source of the information can provide it to everyone at once. And if that source is not MIL or FIL, they will be relieved of the duty of serving as middle man. If they are the source of the info, either they will refrain from the passive aggressive digs, or they will just embarrass themselves.
Not dismissing your sick relatives, but EVERYONE has something else happening in their lives that is important/impacts their emotions/is massively stressful – and most people don’t use that as an excuse to bully and victimise members of their family. Your in laws are bullies. They are cruel and selfish and self absorbed. I suggest your husband, if he actually cares about you at all, goes directly to the sick relatives for updates on their health rather than taking grapevine gossip and keeping the door wedged open.
I say often to my teenagers that actions have consequences- and your in laws need actual proper consequences or why would they change? You told them what you need – phone call apology (which is way too little in my option) and they aren’t even prepared to do that. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep these people warm.
I would respond that it’s a phone call or nothing. Their choice.
It sounds like they are used to bullying people to get their way. It’s amazing how well this works on nice people who don’t like conflict. Don’t be that person. It sounds like sticking up for yourself (yay, you! Keep it up!) is really bothering them and has them on the back foot for once. Keep them there.
So they can call your mom but not you?
If they’re sorry, they’re sorry. Typically when you’re sorry, you take what you can get, and if that’s a phone call, you pick up the damn phone. If they won’t do that, nothing has changed and they aren’t ready.
If you’re a Christian, please PM me- I am part of a group on FB that frequently deals with the spiritual/religious side of this.
In the meantime, maintain your own boundaries and encourage DH to consider starting a family chat so they can’t keep this workaround going. I personally take issue with people discussing health anyway because it leads to gossip, which actually is a sin. I know it’s hard, they’re just throwing a bunch of stuff at a wall to see what sticks.