Before I start- I’d like to mention that polyamory isn’t really my thing, or at least I thought it wasn’t. I understand how it can be very toxic, which is why I never expected to be involved in a relationship like this. I started seeing this girl in January, knowing she’s in a poly relationship with her wife and other partners. I probably wouldn’t have gone out with her if I knew she was married, but she dropped that bomb in the middle of our first date. It went really well, so I decided to give it a shot. This is arguably (if not definitely) the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had, and it has completely changed my view on monogamy. I am completely comfortable having her as my only partner, and her seeing other people doesn’t bother me at all, which surprised me. I think her doing what makes her happy helps her be an overall better person to be around. It makes me wonder how many people force themselves to be monogamous when they truly want more people in their lives. I know on Reddit we always see the “My partner opened our relationship and now regrets it/I regret agreeing to it”, but I thought it would be a nice change of pace to see an alternative perspective from a generally monogamous person. Feel free to ask any questions you may have.
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All that matters is that everyone has fun and gets tested regularly.
I get it now. Thought poly was messy and toxic, but here I am, thriving in a way I didn’t even expect. Guess love doesn’t have to be one size fits all.
So do you only see her like once a week and how often do you get tested?
So what’s the routine like? Do you chalk up a plan to have the carousel ride without any altercation? What if two people arrive at her place at the same time? Most people want monogamy as, sex aside, they in most cases find themselves being a priority for the partner. In a poly, there is no guarantee on if anyone is preferred by the partner or is on priority. That can feel very alienating when you are at a low in your life. It is very easy to praise polyamory when you are at a high.
I think it’s gets a bad wrap, and overly negative criticism as anything does if it “is not normal.” Overall, people should live their life how they want, and love who they want and it shouldn’t matter to anyone who people are sleeping with if it doesn’t affect you. This is no different. Glad you have something that makes you happy.
I prefer mono just because I don’t have the time to see multiple people but I have done poly twice and it was generally pretty good. In recent years I’ve thought about it less of a “orientation” and that it’s simply just a relationship style. It has issues the other side of the coin that you have in monogamy and both just require the choice from both people. There’s definitely unique struggles you don’t learn about until you’re in that situation but after the fact even though I still prefer monogamous relationships I feel like a much more secure individual. It’s so hard to see multiple people when you’re insecure and in a way I think a lot of monogamous relationships romanticize or award certain things that when you’re with more than one person immediately shows its real face as just insecurity.
Good for you. For me whatever reason, whether it’s sociological or historical, etc, most humans just can’t deal with the idea of sharing their intimate partner, especially in the long term. But that doesn’t mean it can’t work for some people.
Sure, but it isn’t love.
Hi SRC-toss,
Your post really stayed with me. I’m working on a project where I set real posts to music — no edits, no agenda, just a reflection. I used your exact words, shaped only by phrasing, and turned them into a song titled:
“She Changed My Mind”
🎵 https://suno.com/s/SQQHYBsKFZ4fYXic
It’s part of an ongoing series I call Post to Song. I hope you find something meaningful in hearing your words come back to you this way.
— JoyNSoothe
I think the reason poly gets a bad rap on Reddit is largely because the negative stories we’re hearing are when people either use poly to cheat with coerced permission or it’s an attempt to fix an already unhealthy relationship.
People who practice ethical non monogamy who treat others with kindness and respect from the get go and have healthy communication with partners from the jump are a totally different ball game. I’m in a mono relationship but I have friends who have healthy poly relationships. Honestly if you really are going to be in a happy poly relationship you need to be more in tune with your own emotions and needs and better at communication than most people in mono relationships make the effort to be.
Happy this is working out so well for you OP!
I though this is FwB relationship, not poly. And she has fun with other females? How do u think that if she has fun with other males?
I think it really depends on your placement and what you want. I wouldn’t have a long term situation like that ..that’s just too messy on a variety of levels but something less serious with lower stakes, it would be fine for me