I recall a time when I was really young, and my parents and I were at an event, or a function, and organiser of that event asked for a representative from my family. Naturally, the responsibility fell to my dad, who was the de facto head of the family. I remember throwing a tantrum, wanting to be the chief of the family. The patriarch. Oh, how foolish I was.
I’m now in my late 30s, and approaching 40 very soon. Over the years, responsibilities have been handed over to me. It just naturally happened. Probably because the world has changed too much for my parents to keep up. Some of my older relatives would also look to me for guidance, or help on matters.
And I have found that it is a really heavy responsibility. It can get really tiring at times. To know that you have to watch out for the welfare of others, not just your own, and the need to prevent any bad outcomes. Or to arbitrate disputes among relatives. I know someone has to do this job, and I’m in the best position to do it at the moment, but it weighs on me sometimes.
Thanks for listening.
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Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
That means you’re doing things right as hard as it is.
You’re providing surplus resources for family and friends. This is what “being a man” means.
Keep it up internet stranger. You’re doing good. Take a moment for yourself if you can. Gym, or a long walk.
Hugs and don’t hesitate to chat with friends about it. Plenty of men going through the same and we gotta be there for each other.
Oh god, I feel you my bro.
All my life I wanted to become someone people can rely on.
Now in my mid 30’s, I am that person, and it’s all too much. I want my bro to take responsibility, buts it’s too late now.
Nobody around me notices I am not OK. I don’t show it because there is no other choice. Someone has to always take the brunt of it all and I, unknowingly eager, became that person.
All I can tell you is don’t bottle it up. Sometimes a few tears is helpful.
I truly feel you
No, someone does not have to do that job. People can and should handle their own welfare and disputes and navigate the consequences if they refuse/fail to do so. Give folks resources to do things themselves, but be extremely selective in doing the work for them. You must set and enforce boundaries to protect your own peace and balance.
ProTip: Being a leader is exhausting, outdated and anti-democratic.
In the 12 years with my wife, we make decisions together. None of us feel like we are a leader. That would also be presumptuous.
Fair and natural distribution of tasks helps in everyday life
I don’t think our family even has anyone who does that sort of role. We all just look after each other.
It’s the patriarchy…./s
You grow into it until it becomes second nature. There will be a point where you have to let it go to the next generation too and that can be a struggle as well.
People often ask about why men get married. This would be a good example. My wife shares responsibilities. There are things that she’s uncomfortable with that I’ve taken on solely but she’s been happy to take on others.
Welcome to the club!
I realized a few years ago that I’m the last stop for everyone’s problems – everyone. This includes all my children, my girlfriends, my sister, my mom when she was still with us, my ex-wife, my employees, my customers, people at my properties. Sometimes it includes ex-girlfriends, cousins, neighbors, former schoolmates, and former employees. The list never ends.
And who do it get to hand off my problems to? No one – ever. It’s almost always been that way since my dad left when I was around 12. I didn’t have the resources back then, but I had to fix problems anyway.
Part of the issue is that people know I’m good at fixing problems and coming up with solutions. I’m also now the guy with the money, so that makes a difference too. I’m just stuck with this for the rest of my life. I should take it as a compliment, but that’s tough to do. People just assume it’s what I should do, so it’s often thankless.
Welcome to the club bro. It’s a privilege and a big responsibility to the head of the household.
It’s incredibly important to find a partner in life who can share this burden.
My wife and I talk about every decision in our life from “what’s for dinner” to “how are we dealing with this debt” to “should I be taking this career risk for the betterment of our family”. We walk almost every day for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening and discuss all issues that arise in our family.
Neither of us is making any sort of a meaningful decision that has lasting effects on our family without consulting the other.
You don’t have boundaries. This is a you problem. Not a them problem.
> I know someone has to do this job
Why? Why should one person do that on behalf of everyone else? Surely it should be a team effort where you support and take care of each other.
You must use your leadership and responsibility to help others grow into their own shoes so they do not need you to watch out for their welfare.
If they refuse to do so, you aren’t the head of household for them, you are being exploited by them.
Remember to set boundaries and always be conscious of your stress and burnout meter. If you go down, it will help no one.
> And I have found that it is a really heavy responsibility. It can get really tiring at times. To know that you have to watch out for the welfare of others, not just your own, and the need to prevent any bad outcomes. Or to arbitrate disputes among relatives. I know someone has to do this job, and I’m in the best position to do it at the moment, but it weighs on me sometimes.
Jfc… what, are you in the mob or something? Seriously, why aren’t these other grown ass adults “adulting” on their own? This is silly. Have everyone mind their own metaphorical store, own their own shit, and let everyone stay in their own lane.
And /u/SweetInteresting6481 – Delete the vampires from your life. Tell them you’ll let them know when/if there’s anything to share and you’ll call them then, but really, just “go live your best life” (in other words: fuck off) until then.
There’s a gazillion studies on women handling the ‘mental load’ of the family, but these invariably discount the different loads and stresses on men.
House maintenance, car maintenance, finances, food / clothing, etc. When its lacking, society’s eyes look at the father. Men have to work for purpose, for women its largely aspirational. When it comes to the difficult family matters — end of life, sorting out family disputes, major life changes — eyes more often than not turn to the father or eldest male.
I have a colleague, a woman, who i’m close friends with. She’s the head of her household effectively since her partner is frankly a loser. So she gets the traditional women’s roles AND the man’s role. Over lunch the other day she said she’d love to just be able to focus on family meals and coordinating get togethers and just discount all the financial paperwork and being the source of conflict resolution for the extended family. “Being the final recourse for everyone is EXHAUSTING.”
The reward for being responsible is…more responsibility. Its life being a fully realized male, whether married or having a family or not. Its a burden, but one to be embraced.
You can not control the way the wind blows, but you can adjust your sails
In case anyone’s wondering: no, OP didn’t ask a question.
Just make sure you take time for yourself and take care of yourself. My mom and dad split up when I was about 9 and I had two little brothers. We lived with grandparents, aunts, and an uncle, but I guess mom decided it was time for her own space. I remember getting in that apartment at 9 or 10 and being handed the “man of the house” title.
Also extremely proud, but as I got older I realized how much that title stopped me from being a “regular” kid. Everyone always told me how mature and grown up I was, but that’s just trauma lmao
It continues today with me heading the household, as my wife likes that 😂
But yeah, just take care of yourself always. Consider your feelings and take alone time for yourself when you need it, treat yourself every now and then, make sure you enjoy your time.
Just turned 30 parents going thru a nasty divorce. It’s all falling on me I’m right there with you man! We are gonna carry that weight and find a way thru.
I rejected that shit. There’s too much my parents took on that they didn’t educate me on or ask if I wanted to take on. I also felt first hand how all those distractions took away from their parenting. My priority is my wife and kids. I love the rest of my family but they have to figure stuff out the way I did.
Plus this gets to a thing I heard about how real leadership is actually service and servitude. Is getting to call yourself the head of the family really worth having to take on everyone’s problems and BS? We don’t know how much time we have. I want to reserve mine for the stuff that really matters to me
Yes, but what they don’t tell you is that in large families there needs to be a head or else it’s chaos and everyone will try to do whatever they want.
Heck I’m single with no kid and I’m already struggling balancing work, hobby, relationship and sleep