Hi girlies,
I’m 22 and from London and I started my first job in IT this year. The job itself is okay, but I feel quite lonely in the office. I am a very smiley person, small talk with my colleagues, talk on meetings, ask for help when necessary, and do my work.
The only other woman in the office trained me for a month and I tried to create rapport with her but she was very cold and gave me one word responses. I thought it was her personality but she is friendly with every other person in that office making me feel so excluded. I shouldn’t have let it affect me but I did and it set the mood for me.
I was a shy kid and built up my confidence and speaking skills over the years. I can talk to strangers, uber drivers, older people, anyone etc with no issues. But the second I hear someone say I’m quiet, it floods back all those memories of being excluded, targeted, etc as a kid and makes me shut down.
It feels even more worse that my bosses and colleagues KEEP telling me over and over constantly to my face that I’m shy, quiet, nervous, lack confidence nearly every other day. I am also given unsolicited advice (which may come from a good place but kind of makes me feel small) such as being told to smile or say affirmations. The only response I have to hearing these things is to be EVEN more closed and nervous. The bigger issue is that I smile when I’m nervous and hearing these things.
When I’ve talked to my friends who are 10 times shyer and quiet than me, they said they’ve never experienced being told their quiet or lack confidence by people other than their family. What’s the difference between them and me?
I take all accountability for my lack of confidence and shy behaviour and I really want to be confident. Not confident as in cocky, loud, and extroverted. Confident as in I don’t let other people’s perception of me affect me, I can stand up for myself (often at a loss for words when faced with confrontation), and stop letting people walk over me.
I just want to ask you girlies, what were you like at 22 and how do I grow confident? How can I respond when I hear “you lack confidence” “you’re so quiet” “you’re so nervous” since it will likely happen AGAIN? Any advice would be helpful <3
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A week ago, my boss was talking to me then said I’m going to stop talking now because I don’t want to make you nervous. I was looking at the computer screen and focused on doing something as he was instructing me. I wasn’t even nervous or talking… and I know body language says alot but I have good posture.
I feel so frustrated. Next time someone says that to me, I just want to say “I’m working on it. Saying it constantly is actually going to make me more nervous”.
You really just have to put yourself out there. Even if you think what you’re saying is dumb, it’ll probably just make people laugh. I started at a new location for my company just last week. Two old guys were talking and they said to me they worked together at another place 10+ years ago. I said “Oh how fun for the both of you!” They thought it was hilarious. I don’t even know what I meant by it I just said the first thing that came to my head haha. I am told that my energy brings out energy in other people. You gotta just go for it! Most people are very receptive to pretty much anything.
I also have a lady at my workplace who is intimidating as hell. But I am just super nice to her and try to make her life easy by doing what I am supposed to do, and that makes her happy…. even if she has a hard time showing it lol. Try not to take those things personally. We never know what other people are going through. Actually now that I think about it, this lady has a daughter with cancer. A very rare cancer. So, yeah I probably wouldn’t be too smiley/chatty either.
Totally understand what you are feeling as I have struggled with this as well. I don’t know why people get away with making comments about being “so quiet”, because if I told someone that they talk a lot and are so loud, I’m sure it would be taken as an insult.
The thing that I try to do is just be competent and kind, and speak up when necessary.
Oh boy…coming from someone who has spent TOO many years caring way too much about what others think about or perceive me, please hear me.
The best thing to do is ignore them. Just be what comes natural to you–YOURSELF–albeit positive, professional and friendly. The culture in your office is messed up psychological games. I don’t understand why this goes on in a professional workplace, but maybe people are bored and feel the need for more drama in their lives. Especially in IT, you don’t have to be concerned about being a social butterfly. Just be professional and positive.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this, but this pressure can help you be stronger in your convictions to be yourself and not change your personality just to fit all the many opinions and expectations of others. It’s okay for you to be more of an introvert, just as okay as it is for someone to be an extrovert. All that matters is treating coworkers with respect and doing a good job in your responsibilities there. If you make different fake personas for people, they will see through it and disrespect you. There will always be at least one person at work who doesn’t want to like you. It’s unfortunate, but some people just don’t want to try to get along.
Hiiiii, I used to be in exactly the same position as you, so I totally get it.
Firstly, I know it’s easier said than done but don’t chase that cold girls approval. That whole thing speaks to her and her dynamics, NOT you or your worth. Be civil, be professional, but I wouldn’t give her anymore of your emotional bandwidth.
Your friends who are shier or quieter might not get the same comments because, as you said yourself, you are smiley and make small talk.
Your friends may come across as closed or give a vibe of “do not interact with me” so people don’t do it to them.
On the other hand, you could come across more like you’re wanting the connection. For whatever reason people sometimes feel weirdly entitled to “coach” you when you’re approachable.
A few ways to be perceived as more confident
use verbs first and try to use stronger ones. Example: “I think it should be done this way” or “it should be done this way, I think.” Instead try “I recommend we do it this way”
If you speak quickly, try working on speaking slower. We often read slower speech as confidence, quicker speech as nervousness
Going into meetings and such, plan 1 question and 1 observation and use whichever fits. If you consistently do this then maybe people will subconsciously start to perceive you as talking more?
Also it sucks to hear but for me it was just gradual exposure that made things easier and easier.
Just remember to be kind to yourself, especially when you’re feeling anxious.
Also, I’ve been a people leader for 10 years now managing 100+ direct reports. Honestly? The best people I’ve worked with have been thoughtful + competent + a little reserved.
As you get more comfortable and continue to show results, you’ll bloom and people will get it.
I was like this at one point also. What helped me was doing a structured CBT for social anxiety self-help program. It had daily exercises in a workbook. Having it broken down into small, manageable steps helped. I treated it like I was taking a life skills class after work and did the homework every day.
As far a response to the comments from coworkers, I used to respond “yep, I sure am!” or “Yeah, We’re all a work in progress.” or even “Yeah, that’s true” Then move the conversation to a different topic, or go back to your work. You don’t want to be snarky about it. Just matter of fact.
I think the bigger part of your response needs to be focusing on what you tell yourself in those moments, more so than what your response is to others. You could remind yourself: “here’s that familiar feeling again, I don’t have to feel or respond the way I did back then. I’m working on making progress.” and then doing a small relaxation or short mindfulness practice to bring your awareness back to the present.