If this is not the right sub, please forgive me.
My best friend and I (both F26) have been best friends for about 7 years. Recently she has had trauma around her father not being present/a good dad. She has dated some men but it has never gone anywhere. She constantly talks about hating men.
I haven’t had the best experiences around guys either but that’s not all I talk about. She is in therapy and I assume has talked about this.
I have an amazing boyfriend and she has only met him a couple times, but I’m not sure how she feels about him.
Guess I’m just ranting and I want her to feel safe around me and feel okay with venting, but it gets tiring listening to that trope over and over. Any advice?
Comments
I really get where you’re coming from, it can be exhausting hearing negativity all the time. I’ve had to set boundaries before, once with a friend who was constantly late. It sucked at first, but afterwards, our friendship was so much better.
And honestly? I’d been that late friend myself in my younger days… But hey, we grow and learn.
So, how do you think she’ll react if you try opening up about this?
“Hey, I know you’ve been going through some shit lately, but I’ve noticed that there’s a lot of negativity in our chats/ hangouts, and it’s bringing the me down. Do you think we can limit the bashing and try to bring a more positive vibe?”
It sounds like you two just might not be compatible. I hate men and my male partner hears about it every time it comes up, which is often, because men fucking suck. He hates them too though, so it’s not a point of friction between us.
It’s clear you really care about her, and that’s why this feels so tough. But it’s also okay to feel tired when the vibe is always heavy. Friendships should be a space where both people feel good and supported.
You could try saying something like, “I know you’ve been through a lot and I totally get why you feel the way you do. I just wanted to be honest — lately our talks have been feeling a bit intense for me, and I’ve been feeling kind of emotionally drained. Would it be okay if we tried talking about lighter stuff sometimes too?”
That way, you’re not dismissing her — you’re just letting her know how you’re feeling and asking for some balance. A real friend will want to meet you in the middle.
What I do (because it was once done to me/for me) is say “Hey, you’re spending a lot of time in space, and it’s valid. But, I’m trying to give less of my energy and mental space to my bad experiences with men. The frequency of this topic is draining me a bit. Can we rebalance?”
Then I’d suggest trying to book activity hangouts with her, not vent sessions like coffees or drinks. Things where you do something, even run errands together. A change to the body can really help change the brain grooves. Often, these sorts of conversations are kind of habitual. Change the habit, change the conversation.