Best friend (F25) hates and was cruel to my Boyfriend (M29)

tldr my Best friend hates my boyfriend and our relationship. was extremely mean and hateful towards him but won’t apologize or address it.

For a bit of context, my F/24 best friend F/25 and my Boyfriend M/29 don’t really get along. My boyfriend has always been kind to her and has helped her with a lot of stuff, but she has always been mean to him, made many side jabs at him, and has in general just been pretty cold and fake towards him. They’ve had many moments where they’ve been civil with each other, my boyfriend even considered her his friend for a long time. We are in the same friend groups, play online games together, are in a DND group together. So we all know eachother and we’re friends.

For the past few months i’ve noticed a change in her. When I mention him she seems disgusted, when she talks about him it’s never positive, and she never acknowledges him as my boyfriend or even acts like he is my boyfriend. This might seem warranted if I were dating someone who is abusive or that she doesn’t approve of, but my boyfriend is genuinely a SAINT. He is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me and he treats me like a princess. He’s never been mean to me, in fact he’s never mean to anybody. In our circles he’s nice to everyone, he’s helpful, he’s just a generally nice and chill guy who just wants to be friends with everyone and play games. There’s never really been something he’s done to warrant her hatred towards him. We always just brushed it off, but something happened the other night that i’m having trouble moving past.

It was my birthday the other night and it was bad. I won’t go into detail but a lot of horrible stuff happened, it was genuinely one of the hardest days of my life. The both of them knew about everything that happened and were both really supportive. My boyfriend especially. He was there for me through everything, he was so sweet and caring, he did everything he could to make me feel better and to be there for me during this hard time. Towards the end of the night he posted a video in a sever all of us are in and I guess she didn’t like it. Thought it was misogynistic (it was just a video of two friends 1v1ing in a game and the guy wins and calls his female friend the B word, they’d both been smack talking each other) she basically went on a huge rant that he shouldn’t have posted that, he shouldn’t like stuff like that, it’s wrong, basically yelling at him and trying to educate him (in a very rude and degrading kind of way mind you). My boyfriend tried to reason with her, telling the two people in the clips are good friends, that they were both shit talking eachother , that the “b word comment” wasn’t said in a nasty way, that it was playful banter, that my boyfriend and I also call eachother names jokingly when we’re playing something competitive. she basically would not listen, and in fact became angrier. She said things like our relationship is not going to last because he jokingly calls me names when we’re gaming(didn’t address that i do it too btw). she belittled him. talked down on him, her tone was overall just nasty. she started taking jabs at him like “you’re doing all of this while you’re girlfriend is having a hard day. be wise” basically just making several comments insinuating that she knows what i’m going through and he’s not doing enough (he was). the conversation just ended when he excused himself, to which she continued to make petty comments and then took it to his private messages.

there is so much IM SORRY. it was just a long night. but she basically messaged him saying she knows they don’t like each other, that she wants to talk it out and try to understand each other. so he did. he laid out all the problems he had with her, talked about the way she mistreats him, how she talks about him badly behind his back, and how she doesn’t seem to like or talk nicely about our relationship. he gave her exactly what she wanted, a conversation. she basically just ignored all of his feelings and went on to say she doesn’t approve of him or our relationship, that she hates several aspects of it and thinks they’re wrong (basically she just hates that he talks for me sometimes because i’m shy and that she doesn’t like our pet names for each other and thinks everything we do i’m forced into doing. never asked me once btw if i was okay with anything, she just assumed it was all forced on me by him). he tried to communicate with her that EVERYTHING is consented for by me and that I am not forced to do anything, and she can ask me that! her response ? “continue to make assumptions as you please of what she needs or communicates, and i’ll continue to operate off of what she, as a f-ing person, tells me.” She proceeded to not address a single thing he said because she was “tired of all of this”, didn’t apologize for hurting his feelings or talking badly to him, she didn’t even really share her own feelings. Just yelling about how horrible of a boyfriend he is and how he doesn’t treat me right, then left his server, said she doesn’t give a fxck about him, and quit our DND game. I’m leaving out so many hateful comments she said for the sake of this post not being a novel.. but basically it was messy. she way cruel, very obviously letting out months of pent up anger and resentment she has towards him. she ended her message with “and i want it clear. crystal. f-ing. clear. i will never forgive you for doing this today. ever. do you get it? i didn’t want an answer to all this for your sake. i don’t give a fxck about you. you don’t give a fxck about me. we both give a fxck about her. and you, you. made this happen today, of all f-ing days. if i am to stick around, it won’t be forgotten. f-ing ever.” I guess she’s upset he “did all of this on my birthday and when i was going through a lot.”

I messaged her. I told her what I was bothered by, I cleared up misconceptions she had about us and our relationship, I defended my boyfriend, tried to tell her that I do not feel like he ruined anything and I wasn’t mad at him and that he was there for me all day long- and that she shouldn’t feel like he did anything to wrong me. She basically didn’t address or say sorry for the way she treated him. she apologized profusely to me though and was embarrassed and regretful about the way she handled things. but again, no apology or remorse for my boyfriend. her reason for her behavior was she has anger issues, that she has been feeling this way about him for so long that it blew up, dang she was jealous of him and that he got to be there for me today and she didn’t. when I mentioned the things she was telling me all sounded like they should’ve gone to my boyfriend and were everything he probably wanted to hear when he thought they were addressing their problems with eachother her response was- “ i’ll never be able to get to that place of communication with him. we just don’t mix. at least, i don’t with him. were i in that same situation again with a do over, i believe it would still have the same exact outcome knowing myself.” Our conversation basically just ended with her being so sorry for hurting me, but she didn’t give a fxck about anything she said to my boyfriend.

I don’t really know what to do from here. She is my best and kind of only friend. I care about her sooo deeply, we talk every day, we share so many interests and sometimes it feels like we’re long lost sisters. she’s been there for me through so many things and I really don’t want to lose her as a friend. But I also feel so much guilt just- moving on from everything. She treated my boyfriend badly, she hurt him, she was a jerk and basically hates and doesn’t approve and (her words) will NEVER approve of us. It doesn’t feel good because I love him. He’s a good man and you’d think your friend would be supportive of someone who treats you right. My boyfriend has told me he wants me to continue to be friend with her if that’s what I want too. He has made it clear he’d never ask me to stop being friends with her and doesn’t want me to lose someone I care about. He said he can be civil with her, but he’s lost all respect for her. I thought I could move past it, but the idea of interacting with someone who hates my boyfriend’s guts and was so vile to him feels..hard. and weird. like I’m saying you can treat the people I love horribly and I’m fine with it! I don’t know.. I feel lost about what to do or what to think. Any advice I guess? What would you guys do in a situation like this? Can you still be friend with someone who hates your partner? Should I just move on from it and act like nothing happened?