Bf (32M) can’t seem to choose me (34F)
We’ve been together 4.5 years and been rocky for over a year. We’ve had lots of open, hard conversations but no matter what we try, he still seems to feel the need to pull away from our relationship and can’t fully commit to a future. Says he doesn’t feel free or lit up. I’m not asking for marriage or anything, just enthusiasm for a shared life together. We’ve been trying so hard because when our relationship was good and we were all in, it was amazing. Is he just wanting me to break it off? I’m exhausted and sick of being in a state of unknown.
Keen to hear people’s thoughts on what his motivation for NOT breaking up with me is. How long is too long to wait for him to choose whether he wants to build a future?
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What do you mean specifically? What are some issues that you have run into?
Don’t waste your life on someone that hasn’t made a commitment to you after this long
You need to decide if this is how you want to continue your relationship. You’ve already said you’re feeling sick from the lack of certainty, maybe it’s time for you to create your own certainty and make the hard decision he seems too scared to make.
You’ve already wasted too many years .. move on
He’s not breaking up with you, because it’s convenient for him to have your company until he’s bored with you.
It’s been 4.5 years. If he wasn’t enthusiastic during the first part of the relationship, it’s not going to happen now.
Ironically, it might happen if you dump him and he realizes what he lost, but at that point I hope you realize you can do better.
Find someone that naturally is excited to be with you. He’s out there.
If after 4.5 years he still can’t commit, he’s telling you everything you need to know. He’s staying because it’s easier than leaving, not because he truly wants a future with you. You deserve someone who’s sure about you.
he’s not breaking up with you because you’re the backup plan he can count on. he can do whatever he wants, probably microcheat or actually cheat and you’re still around. he’s not happy or enthusiastic about being with you, you’re 34 and just chilling with him.
why wouldn’t he stick around for a life of convenience? he is waiting around for someone better, doesn’t hurt to have a placeholder in the meantime.
Never ever stay with a man that long unless there is a ring on
your finger.
Don’t waste your time.
You need to take control of your life. Why are you waiting for him to break up with you? Most relationships of 4.5 years were good in the beginning but now it’s not and more time doesn’t make it get better. That time has passed and it’s not going to be like it was, move on.
What does he say when you ask him what more he needs to be all in on your relationship? Hint: feeling free and lit is not an acceptable answer. If he gives you another nebulous response like that, you’ll have your answer. 4.5 years is enough time to know whether he’s ready to commit.
Dump him. He’ll probably realize the error of his ways and chase you to get you back but don’t fall for it. He’s shown you what he has to offer. And it’s not about you, he’ll do the same to the next chick after the novelty wears off.