Just need advice or female perspective please.
I (35F) was dating a guy (35M) for 6 months, we were exclusive. We had an argument a month ago and I broke up with him (over relocating if we were to get married) and he apologised, made effort so I then got in touch with him a few weeks later after some serious consideration.
In the meantime, because we were over – he rejoined the dating app (how we met) which I have no issue with as we were done and I made it clear.
Anyway when I messaged him giving him another change – he was speaking to another girl but hadn’t met her yet so ended it and we got back together. Lets call her Lucy. Lucy was in the same profession as me and seemed like a lovely pretty girl, but he did say she had called him hot multiple times and when he ended it – she kept trying to call him to make it work.
Then for the next 3 weeks, he would keep bringing her up over small things and teasing me. If I suggested going to a concert for example, he’d bring up going with Lucy to make me jealous. I suggested we go on holiday to Japan and he joked ‘what if we break up again, and we then bump into each other on the plane and I’m with Lucy’.
He did ask if it was irritating me, and I said it was fine and then moved on. He kept on bringing her up and I then ended it as I felt disrespected – he would bring up things that I wasn’t good in and try and tease me like ‘Lucy sent me a picture of her apartment, and she loved to clean’ (cleaning isn’t my strong point…).
The final straw was him joking about marrying her and inviting me to the wedding (I know, what on earth possesses men to think this is funny or that we find this behaviour attractive?).
When he made this joke – I simply ended it without taking any calls from him and politely told him I’m looking for peace and respect, none of which are present hence I’m out and I wished him the very best with Lucy as she is clearly a better match for him than I.
He did apologise multiple times but I was so done with being compared and feeling disrespected (for comparison, Lucy is a very junior level to what I work at and we are significantly different in accomplishments – I’m sure shes a wonderful girl. If it was Angelina Jolie, yes perhaps I’d feel jealous but don’t tease me another woman. I won’t feel jealous – I will just walk).
This guy is mid thirties and yet is incredibly immature.
Am I over-reacting or is this an incredibly stupid thing to do on his part?
I finally thought ah I’ve found a good guy who is thoughtful, caring, not an arrogant moron and is able to have intelligent conversation. Universe said no :/
Comments
This all sounds very high school. Leave him alone
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Tell the idiot he could just as easily bump into you on Ricky’s arm. And if he keeps being stupid thats exactly where you’ll be. 🤦🏻♀️
He’s immature as hell and has no sense of humor, but why did you tell him it wasn’t bothering you when it clearly was? You need to learn to communicate clearly. Did you tell him to stop making these jokes at any point?
“not an arrogant moron”
Survey says: yes, yes he is.
I have no idea why on earth you are even questioning ending it with him.
Oh God, reminds me of this guy I dated named Roy. He cheated on me and we broke up and had a long-term relationship with the woman until she cheated on him.
Years later, we spoke on the phone and he kept bringing her up, how she went to the gym every night (he hadn’t figured out that’s how SHE was cheating on him). But then he mentioned how she was so good at doing the laundry and how the house was always clean when he woke up — and she did it without disrupting his sleep. The whole, “I don’t know how she got the whites so white in our laundry” was the final nail.
He suggested we try again, I blocked him.
He sounds ridiculous. You’re better off without him.
But that being said, you told him it was fine when he asked if it was irritating you. Next time, be honest.
It seems like this escalated very quickly from he made jokes in poor taste, to checking with you to see if that was okay, to you saying it was, to you breaking up with him. Like, I can understand why he was confused and apologizing when you broke it off.
Still, I think you did the right thing. You are 100% correct that peace is important. His jokes were bad and disrespectful, and even though some people seem to enjoy that humor, I don’t. So I get it.
Find someone who eagerly says “YES!” to the vacation in Japan with you! Good luck. ❤️
I mean he’s immature but I have to point out:
“He asked if it irritated me and I said it was fine”
I find it mind boggling you said this. Why not be honest and communicate clearly? He’s a moron for thinking this type of joking would land well, but you essentially told him you’re okay with it.
I’m so proud of you for ending this!
He knew what he was doing. He wanted to lure you in and test you by getting reaction out of you. And that’s plain evil.
I dated someone like this who bragged to me about their ex (wtf?) because he knew i hated it. I mean why else would you brag to your partner or tease them in that way?
You’re way too old for this nonsense be serious
Goddamn he’s 35 but his brain is 15🤣
He clearly wanted a reaction out of you, which is why he asked if it bothered you. You weren’t giving him the response he was looking for so he tried fishing for it, which is an extra shade of pathetic for him. That’s why he kept escalating right up to the “joke” about marriage.
I had have an ex, who I now realize, got his jollies by attempting to get under my skin. Never again will I date a man whose only source of entertainment is to disrupt my peace. No thanks.
Some people telling OP that her response that his jokes weren’t bothering her that much ok for him to keep making those jokes is wild. He is a grown as man who should be able to discern what is tasteful and appropriate. The fact that he asked her in the first place meant he knew to some degree it wasn’t ok and then KEPT GOING and escalated it. That baffles me more.
OP did the right thing and can now live her best life.
Yeah hell no. U did the right thing. Guy sounds like an idiot
He sounds like such an asshole. You’re much better off without this immature leech
Good call! See? This is the attitude I wish we as a woman would collectively have. I know it’s hard but – is it, really?
He was punishing you. You didn’t deserve it. He was just sour that you ended it the first time, so he was punishing you. Very immature. A big red flag. Good on you for not putting up with it (because he was also testing you to see how much you would take).
I’m not saying how he was acting was anything resembling mature, much less to be in his mid thirties, but if you didn’t speak up prior nor tell him it irritated you when he asked… maturity also looks like using your words. Sounds like you made the right call though.
Good on you for ending it.
My ex did something very similar where he consistently told me how women coworkers at his workplace would constantly hit on him. Initially I brushed it off because I trust him but the stories continued. I sensed he secretly liked the attention and also was saying it to me to make me jealous and make me possessive. I ended it when he told me he got wasted & got high with the same coworkers the previous night at his workplace. He told me nothing happened but the trust is gone. I was done.
You did the right thing. He was acting dumb, and I have to say, pretty sus. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he were still chatting with this girl while getting back with you. Ofc, he also could’ve been doing it on purpose to punish you for breaking up with him, which only you would know if that rings true or not. Some guys do it because they’ve got a fragile ego. You’re way better off. Here’s to finding someone worthy of your time, attention, and love!
I’m not even going to talk about him. Congratulations on your walk! Now strut that life!
He was hurt by your initial breakup and was using this girl to mildly get back at you. Good on you for calling his bluff.
i’m sorry, but you were broken up for less than a month and he went straight into trying to find someone else? this man is just looking for someone to take care of him imo, breaks after breaking up are normal and healthy
someone jumping from one relationship to the other is usually trying to avoid a convo with themselves
It’s so childish like look at what I sacrificed to be with you type fuckery and he didn’t sacrifice shit but a fantasized idea of someone he knew for 3 weeks. If he loves that fantasy so much then go be with her because its not kind to you or himself to keep bringing her up and ruminating on comparison.
You made the correct decision by ending this relation. It’s not ok to play with someone’s feelings like this. He’s AH.
Updateme
He behaved this way because his ego was massively hurt when you first broke up with him. It wasn’t because he thought it was funny. The guy is just emotionally stunted.
Not overreacting at all. What in the actually f is wrong with these men? Block him and keep it moving.
Doesn’t sound like he was happy to be back with you, because someone who wanted to be with you would not mention someone else, but focus on the two of you.
He was probably angry you broke up with him and resentful he had to ley go of another opportunity to be with you. It’s okay to have complicated feelings. It’s not okay to take it out on others. He used you as an emotional punching bag to work through his emotions and that’s just not going to work.
Stay broken up.
Good for you! You realise that he’s going to bang on about how cool you are to poor Lucy.
It was stupid of him to think this was a funny thing to do.
I understand why you felt disrespected, but I don’t quite understand why you said it was fine when he asked if it irritated you and it did irritate you. Did it seem like he was hoping it would irritate you?
It’s a different point that maybe you don’t want to date someone who has to be told not to do stuff like this (that’s its own thing), but why say it’s fine when it bothers you enough to break up over?
Not overreacting. I could see it happening once and telling him on the spot that if he wants to bring her up, he might as well go be with her. But him telling you and over again seems like he’s thinking about her and definitely comparing you to her, so what’s going to stop him from reaching out one day after all this thinking? Nope.
Nope. I wouldve dropped him so fast. If you have no kids with this “man” then I would run for the hills….enjoy your life, you don’t need that weird energy. You are the prize
This guy reminds me of an ex who did nothing but compared me. Worst thing is, he was very religious and worked as a prosecutor, but was very dumb when lying because I caught him so many times. I ended it too because i didnt want to lose my self respect.
He expected you to be a “pick me” and fight for his attention whereas you are a “pick myself” which shows incredible emotional intelligence so really, hats off to you for walking away. Actively trying to make someone insecure in a relationship about another woman is a form of manipulation. Thank god you’ve seen that and bailed.
it is an incredibly stupid thing on his part.
> He did ask if it was irritating me, and I said it was fine and then moved on. He kept on bringing her up […]
and here’s where it’s also an incredibly stupid thing on your part, and how you tripped into it. and how you’ll keep tripping into it if you don’t take yourself seriously.
Two thoughts:
First red flag is that he takes joy in causing you stress.
Second red flag is that he uses another woman – who had done nothing wrong – as the butt of his jokes.
I’m not a particularly jealous person but I am a girl’s girl and neither of those things sit right with me.
I’m also like you. I’d rather just leave a relationship if I feel like I have to compete with someone else.
He’s incredibly immature. You did the right thing cutting him loose.
Total lack of empathy. How would he like being compared to other men and found lacking?
If he dates Lucy, he’ll end up doing the same thing to her eventually, no doubt about it.
Let Lucy have him
You did the right thing, no doubt about it. Life is too short to tolerate boneheads like him.
He is immature and lacks EQ at the very least. This is very odd behavior from him. You did not overreact. Even joking about marrying another woman would have my hackles up.
He was trying to neg/punish you for breaking up with him by making you feel insecure and inferior to Lucy and to make you hold onto him more tightly out of fear he’d find “better” and elsewhere. It’s manipulative and disgusting and I’m so extremely proud of you for knowing your worth and not falling for his games and ending it when he continued to disrespect and manipulate you.
You broke up the first time, it was clearly the right call.
Don’t go back to this man .
now you will watch lucy dating another better man, while he clean his appartment himself lmao
Nit overreacting at all. I think you handled it very well, drama free, efficient.
What on earth would have made him think that what he was doing was ok, especially considering you two were restarting things after a break up… I don’t understand
You are not overreacting he is trying to make you jealous as a mean to make you feel like you could lose him. It’s hard to explain but he is trying to make you feel like you would lose “the great man he is” by trying to force a competition between him and this girl.
In my opinion it’s one of the peaks of insecurity in men. Not only you are not overreacting but honestly he is diminishing you (directly attacking your self esteem) as a way to secure his place.
i read once that this behaviour is part of narcissistic emotional manipulation.
All this shows he is probably to immature for a long relationship
Sorry if what I said is confusing but it’s a hard concept to explain and I’m drunk lol
I’m so proud of you for walking away and not looking back. This guy might have had other redeeming qualities but the overwhelming one is he’s an idiot.
He sounds like a man child, good riddance.
> he did ask if it was irritating me and I said it was fine and then moved on.
whyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!
You don’t deserve this.